TheGreatYashu
Bluelighter
not really rolling thoughts... just thoughts I wrote down and want to share...
Over the past year, my life has changed more then I could have ever imagined in my most fantastic dreams. If you would have strolled up to me 1 year ago and asked me where I was going to be in exactly one year I would have probably filled your head with dreams of being an IT manager, owning my own computer business, or perhaps even ambitious ideas about a big house, beautiful wife, and a great job. Honestly, what I would have said was really dependent on where you ran into me. If it was at school you would have heard more about being successful by rising up and out of the “conform or be cast out” mentality. I felt I was part of a doomed generation, where popularity was passed off as more important then knowledge and creativity. At work I told people about my plans to start my own business someday. To make my parents happy, at home I would let them know about my plan to get married, have two kids, and live in a nice house. Yes I know there is nothing inherently wrong with the aforementioned dreams, but they were not mine. I had no real dreams, expectations, or plans for my future. I considered it an accomplishment to live through the day. I was depressed. There was nothing about life that I appreciated; nothing about it I held close to my heart, in fact, my heart was empty. I felt as if life had dealt me a crappy hand to just get me to fold and leave the damn game. In school I was hated by everyone I knew, I got beat op constantly, I had no friends, and I was so incredibly bored at the dribble that they were trying to force down my throat. Rather then doing something worthwhile with my time, I was required to sit in a bricked nightmare for more than 10 years of my life, fearing for my life, and being force-fed things that I either already knew, or didn’t care to know. I had to leave this place for an equally as nightmarish household where the other three occupants treated me as if even the shit on my shoe had divine authority. My mind was the only safe haven. It was the only place I could run free in a world that appreciated what I had to offer. I was scared to show my true self to a single soul because if my “normal” self were readily ripped to shreds by the world, my true self would have never stood a chance.
Honestly I don’t know why I changed when I did. I don’t remember the exact time; I don’t remember where I was or what was on my mind at the time. My normal self went to sleep that night, yet never woke up. Instead………* I * woke up. I sat and stared at the world before me through my OWN eyes for the first time in my life. I was 18 years old, yet it felt like I had spent those first 18 years locked up, and I could finally see what the world looked like on the other side of the prison walls I knew so well. I can’t describe in words what I could see, only that it was surely the most beautiful sight that had ever managed to cross my optic nerve. I felt like I was, for once, just another insignificant, yet important part of a most complex universe. I think I had found my place, I found what it was I was here for, and it wasn’t to be a rich, popular, success. I had been hit with an epiphany of the most epic proportions.
I was here for one single reason, all others became completely trivial. We live in an incomprehensibly vast universe filled with a next to infinite number of completely unique things. From the smallest subatomic particle to the largest galaxy, to everything in between, it was all actually out there. I was a human being, an animal, standing on the surface of earth, a planet tens of thousands of miles around, orbiting the sun, a collection of hydrogen gas millions of miles away, thousand of times larger then the rock I was standing on. This is where the light that I saw came from; this is where the energy that fuels the planet I stand on comes from. This amazing yellow ball of plasma is but a star in a galaxy of billions more. Our sun sits on one tiny corner of a galaxy many many light-years across. I will die before I see the light that just left a star on the other side of just this wonderful creation, 15 billion years in the making. The Milky Way in witch we and billions of other stars are part of, is floating millions of miles a second away from the center of a universe filled with billions of other galaxies just like this one. Each with its own set of billions of stars, and many home to their own worlds. This ever-expanding universe could be just one in an infinite number of universes, each a cosmic marvel of its own. 6 billion other people share this speck of a planet with me, and within each of those people are trillions of atoms, each made up of a possible infinite amount of even smaller particles, miniscule universes of their own in a way.
Yet there I was, standing right there inside it all. I knew that I meant absolutely nothing to some star on some other galaxy on the other end of the universe, but yet here I was. And compared to vastness of it all, the indescribably chaotic, yet mindlessly simple existence that was so incredibly unique that if even one atom was in just a slightly different place early in its creation, an entirely new universe would have existed today…
Compared to all that is really there, all 15 billion years of action and reaction later, my problems meant so immeasurably little, my mind left them behind, and all that was left was complete bliss. There is more beauty locked up in one square inch then every problem every single human has ever had since the first cave man stubbed his toe on a rock, or realized that he had to take a shit and there ere no leaves around, just a pinecone.
I was for the first time in my life able to put it all in perspective. Through this perspective I was wasting my life worrying about more or less nothing rather then just appreciating what was really there. 18 years of wasted life. 18 years of looking right over what was under my nose the entire time. Those few seconds I stood there and pondered about this, was worth more to me then 18 years worth of moments before it. But at the same time I appreciated those 18 years instead of regretting them. It was those 18 years that brought me to that defining moment in time, and if just one thing was different during the infancy of my life, I would have been someone completely different, somewhere completely different, thinking something completely different.
In my mind I imagined it all: the universe, my first 18 years, and this existence, past and present. It all made perfect logical beautiful sense. The almost infinite piece puzzle had just put itself together and I finally saw what I had been putting together one small piece at a time.
This is how I live now. I walk this planet with the ability to look through the curtain of life to see beauty that everyone misses. The beauty that can’t be even remotely described with mere words, a beauty that has the power to make every problem all but disappear, a beauty that when seen, Will make every moment of life afterwards a great, most wonderful moment that is to be cherished, never taken for granted. Every time a problem presents itself I remind myself of this beauty, and the problem falls into its rightful place in the universe.
Life has become a most wonderful adventure for me, each experience, good or bad, I cherish with my entire heart, because I will only be here on this insignificant planet for so long, and there is more beauty out there than I will ever be able to soak in one lifetime. Inside every moment, good or bad, is a piece of this beauty, I just have to find it. When I die, I want to know that I never took it all for granted, that I appreciated all that I could in one lifetime, and the last thought that will go speeding itself through my mind will be that of complete and utter peace with the universe that I am indeed a part of.
Over the past year, my life has changed more then I could have ever imagined in my most fantastic dreams. If you would have strolled up to me 1 year ago and asked me where I was going to be in exactly one year I would have probably filled your head with dreams of being an IT manager, owning my own computer business, or perhaps even ambitious ideas about a big house, beautiful wife, and a great job. Honestly, what I would have said was really dependent on where you ran into me. If it was at school you would have heard more about being successful by rising up and out of the “conform or be cast out” mentality. I felt I was part of a doomed generation, where popularity was passed off as more important then knowledge and creativity. At work I told people about my plans to start my own business someday. To make my parents happy, at home I would let them know about my plan to get married, have two kids, and live in a nice house. Yes I know there is nothing inherently wrong with the aforementioned dreams, but they were not mine. I had no real dreams, expectations, or plans for my future. I considered it an accomplishment to live through the day. I was depressed. There was nothing about life that I appreciated; nothing about it I held close to my heart, in fact, my heart was empty. I felt as if life had dealt me a crappy hand to just get me to fold and leave the damn game. In school I was hated by everyone I knew, I got beat op constantly, I had no friends, and I was so incredibly bored at the dribble that they were trying to force down my throat. Rather then doing something worthwhile with my time, I was required to sit in a bricked nightmare for more than 10 years of my life, fearing for my life, and being force-fed things that I either already knew, or didn’t care to know. I had to leave this place for an equally as nightmarish household where the other three occupants treated me as if even the shit on my shoe had divine authority. My mind was the only safe haven. It was the only place I could run free in a world that appreciated what I had to offer. I was scared to show my true self to a single soul because if my “normal” self were readily ripped to shreds by the world, my true self would have never stood a chance.
Honestly I don’t know why I changed when I did. I don’t remember the exact time; I don’t remember where I was or what was on my mind at the time. My normal self went to sleep that night, yet never woke up. Instead………* I * woke up. I sat and stared at the world before me through my OWN eyes for the first time in my life. I was 18 years old, yet it felt like I had spent those first 18 years locked up, and I could finally see what the world looked like on the other side of the prison walls I knew so well. I can’t describe in words what I could see, only that it was surely the most beautiful sight that had ever managed to cross my optic nerve. I felt like I was, for once, just another insignificant, yet important part of a most complex universe. I think I had found my place, I found what it was I was here for, and it wasn’t to be a rich, popular, success. I had been hit with an epiphany of the most epic proportions.
I was here for one single reason, all others became completely trivial. We live in an incomprehensibly vast universe filled with a next to infinite number of completely unique things. From the smallest subatomic particle to the largest galaxy, to everything in between, it was all actually out there. I was a human being, an animal, standing on the surface of earth, a planet tens of thousands of miles around, orbiting the sun, a collection of hydrogen gas millions of miles away, thousand of times larger then the rock I was standing on. This is where the light that I saw came from; this is where the energy that fuels the planet I stand on comes from. This amazing yellow ball of plasma is but a star in a galaxy of billions more. Our sun sits on one tiny corner of a galaxy many many light-years across. I will die before I see the light that just left a star on the other side of just this wonderful creation, 15 billion years in the making. The Milky Way in witch we and billions of other stars are part of, is floating millions of miles a second away from the center of a universe filled with billions of other galaxies just like this one. Each with its own set of billions of stars, and many home to their own worlds. This ever-expanding universe could be just one in an infinite number of universes, each a cosmic marvel of its own. 6 billion other people share this speck of a planet with me, and within each of those people are trillions of atoms, each made up of a possible infinite amount of even smaller particles, miniscule universes of their own in a way.
Yet there I was, standing right there inside it all. I knew that I meant absolutely nothing to some star on some other galaxy on the other end of the universe, but yet here I was. And compared to vastness of it all, the indescribably chaotic, yet mindlessly simple existence that was so incredibly unique that if even one atom was in just a slightly different place early in its creation, an entirely new universe would have existed today…
Compared to all that is really there, all 15 billion years of action and reaction later, my problems meant so immeasurably little, my mind left them behind, and all that was left was complete bliss. There is more beauty locked up in one square inch then every problem every single human has ever had since the first cave man stubbed his toe on a rock, or realized that he had to take a shit and there ere no leaves around, just a pinecone.
I was for the first time in my life able to put it all in perspective. Through this perspective I was wasting my life worrying about more or less nothing rather then just appreciating what was really there. 18 years of wasted life. 18 years of looking right over what was under my nose the entire time. Those few seconds I stood there and pondered about this, was worth more to me then 18 years worth of moments before it. But at the same time I appreciated those 18 years instead of regretting them. It was those 18 years that brought me to that defining moment in time, and if just one thing was different during the infancy of my life, I would have been someone completely different, somewhere completely different, thinking something completely different.
In my mind I imagined it all: the universe, my first 18 years, and this existence, past and present. It all made perfect logical beautiful sense. The almost infinite piece puzzle had just put itself together and I finally saw what I had been putting together one small piece at a time.
This is how I live now. I walk this planet with the ability to look through the curtain of life to see beauty that everyone misses. The beauty that can’t be even remotely described with mere words, a beauty that has the power to make every problem all but disappear, a beauty that when seen, Will make every moment of life afterwards a great, most wonderful moment that is to be cherished, never taken for granted. Every time a problem presents itself I remind myself of this beauty, and the problem falls into its rightful place in the universe.
Life has become a most wonderful adventure for me, each experience, good or bad, I cherish with my entire heart, because I will only be here on this insignificant planet for so long, and there is more beauty out there than I will ever be able to soak in one lifetime. Inside every moment, good or bad, is a piece of this beauty, I just have to find it. When I die, I want to know that I never took it all for granted, that I appreciated all that I could in one lifetime, and the last thought that will go speeding itself through my mind will be that of complete and utter peace with the universe that I am indeed a part of.
