anonymous_mouse
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2009
- Messages
- 77
(Not my first time doing mushrooms, but my first time on more than an eighth)
The other night I took the spiritual journey I'd planned for a week. My friend M, an experienced sitter, came over to A's house, and we made some mushroom tea. It contained 7.5 grams, or two and a half eighths. I should have gone into such a state as to forget my own existence, but that didn't happen at all. Apparently I am so entrenched in reality that nothing can tear me away.
Five minutes after I drank the tea, I had to lay down. M and A came in and talked to me. Five minutes after that, I felt myself receding. I told them that "I think I'm getting to the point where I can't talk anymore." I put on my headphones, and closed my eyes. First, I saw a myriad of moving rainbow fractal art, with pictures of spirits that I can't even describe. As the music became darker and darker, I saw darkness enclose over the images, and then light, and then light and darkness mixing together. I felt fascination, but then the fear crept in. My body was vibrating with energy, and I felt heavy and tired.
M checked on me, and then A checked on me. Each time I said "I'm okay!", but I wasn't sure if that was true. After a while, I crept into the bathroom to pee. M and A were talking in the kitchen. I tiptoed back into the room and lay down, and did not put the headphones back on. The music did not seem right for this moment. The universe became more and more chaotic. I crawled under the blanket, shivering, and my thoughts became faster and faster. When I opened my eyes, I saw that the door had disappeared, and the room was sealed off, and I wasn't sure if I was alive or if I was simply a ghost that thought it had a body. But I couldn't even speak to call to A and M. For the second time, I had to pee, and then I discovered the door actually existed. And when I came out of the bathroom, I heard one of my friends say hi to me. It was the most immense relief...
After a while, both M and A opened the door. M knelt next to me, and asked me what I was thinking.
"I feel like the whole universe is unbalanced. It seems like all possibilities can happen right now."
"Things are getting a little weird, aren't they?" said M.
"Yes..." I said. "I... I think I want to smoke a cigarette."
M said he would roll one for me, and I could come out when I was ready. A few minutes later, I did. I tried to zip up my coat, but my hands wouldn't work. A zipped it up for me. Everything looked very beautiful and the colors were bright and just amazing! We went outside. M asked me what my vision looked like.
"You both look normal." I answered. "You look like my friends." Then I said, "I'm really grateful. I love you guys. You're like angels." I felt a lot of love for them, and all my friends and family who weren't there at that moment.
It was a brief moment. The fear returned as soon as I lay down again.
I thought about a lot of things. I thought about the possibility of God - or rather, the impossibility. I thought about existence. I thought about how I had heard about this enveloping love and light in the universe, and that I would never be able to reach it and be embraced by it. I rocked back and forth on the bed and repeated things out loud to myself, like "I don't know why things happen. And I'm scared of the question. This is really terrible. I am really scared. I am not okay with the question."
The question I was scared of was the question of our whole existence. Life, and death, and beyond life and death. I felt that my human mind had broken open because it couldn't comprehend any order or meaning in the chaos I was feeling. M said I would be back to normal in several hours, but I didn't believe him. I thought about how I had gone insane forever, and how I would starve to death on the streets because I wouldn't be able to hold a job or do anything normal. I thought about how I would die, and then rush screaming into another incarnation, another body, because I could not see the light that I've been searching for my whole life. I kept repeating words out loud to myself. I felt the rise of terror, repeating and repeating. Then I felt sad that I would always be this lost spirit, a sad ghost that could never be at peace. I saw the universe crumbling, as all possibilities began to manifest in my own mind. In the meantime, I felt every single physical feeling at once. My skin was crawling, I was weak and tired, but I couldn't sleep. This lasted about three more hours.
I fell asleep for half an hour, after my ten hour journey.
I woke up and M was gone. I was calm and things had sort of gone back to "normal". But I was sad, because even though I had discovered the ultimate source of my own anxiety, nothing had been resolved. But I was grateful - I felt a lot of love and compassion for other humans, especially my friends. I was awed that I had so many people watching over me and loving me.
I'm still trying to decide whether the journey was productive for me or not. Somehow it seems like some things haven't changed. In other ways, they have. I feel more sad, but more of an existential sadness than any kind of depression. How could I not be sad, knowing that I am still stuck in this constant fear? How could I not be afraid when I could not understand any reason for anything that existed? That there seemed no point to life, that the whole universe was chaos, that there was no light of peace and love that I had been hoping to reconnect to. But I am also fascinated by the ultimate terror of everything that is. I'm "calm" now, but I want to experience the fear again. And why? When I was scrambling, my skin crawling, begging for it to stop? I think it's because I learned so much, and I have a lot more to learn.
And I want to know the truth.
I'm just not exactly sure if this is the way I should go about it. Maybe I should try again, but even more.
The other night I took the spiritual journey I'd planned for a week. My friend M, an experienced sitter, came over to A's house, and we made some mushroom tea. It contained 7.5 grams, or two and a half eighths. I should have gone into such a state as to forget my own existence, but that didn't happen at all. Apparently I am so entrenched in reality that nothing can tear me away.
Five minutes after I drank the tea, I had to lay down. M and A came in and talked to me. Five minutes after that, I felt myself receding. I told them that "I think I'm getting to the point where I can't talk anymore." I put on my headphones, and closed my eyes. First, I saw a myriad of moving rainbow fractal art, with pictures of spirits that I can't even describe. As the music became darker and darker, I saw darkness enclose over the images, and then light, and then light and darkness mixing together. I felt fascination, but then the fear crept in. My body was vibrating with energy, and I felt heavy and tired.
M checked on me, and then A checked on me. Each time I said "I'm okay!", but I wasn't sure if that was true. After a while, I crept into the bathroom to pee. M and A were talking in the kitchen. I tiptoed back into the room and lay down, and did not put the headphones back on. The music did not seem right for this moment. The universe became more and more chaotic. I crawled under the blanket, shivering, and my thoughts became faster and faster. When I opened my eyes, I saw that the door had disappeared, and the room was sealed off, and I wasn't sure if I was alive or if I was simply a ghost that thought it had a body. But I couldn't even speak to call to A and M. For the second time, I had to pee, and then I discovered the door actually existed. And when I came out of the bathroom, I heard one of my friends say hi to me. It was the most immense relief...
After a while, both M and A opened the door. M knelt next to me, and asked me what I was thinking.
"I feel like the whole universe is unbalanced. It seems like all possibilities can happen right now."
"Things are getting a little weird, aren't they?" said M.
"Yes..." I said. "I... I think I want to smoke a cigarette."
M said he would roll one for me, and I could come out when I was ready. A few minutes later, I did. I tried to zip up my coat, but my hands wouldn't work. A zipped it up for me. Everything looked very beautiful and the colors were bright and just amazing! We went outside. M asked me what my vision looked like.
"You both look normal." I answered. "You look like my friends." Then I said, "I'm really grateful. I love you guys. You're like angels." I felt a lot of love for them, and all my friends and family who weren't there at that moment.
It was a brief moment. The fear returned as soon as I lay down again.
I thought about a lot of things. I thought about the possibility of God - or rather, the impossibility. I thought about existence. I thought about how I had heard about this enveloping love and light in the universe, and that I would never be able to reach it and be embraced by it. I rocked back and forth on the bed and repeated things out loud to myself, like "I don't know why things happen. And I'm scared of the question. This is really terrible. I am really scared. I am not okay with the question."
The question I was scared of was the question of our whole existence. Life, and death, and beyond life and death. I felt that my human mind had broken open because it couldn't comprehend any order or meaning in the chaos I was feeling. M said I would be back to normal in several hours, but I didn't believe him. I thought about how I had gone insane forever, and how I would starve to death on the streets because I wouldn't be able to hold a job or do anything normal. I thought about how I would die, and then rush screaming into another incarnation, another body, because I could not see the light that I've been searching for my whole life. I kept repeating words out loud to myself. I felt the rise of terror, repeating and repeating. Then I felt sad that I would always be this lost spirit, a sad ghost that could never be at peace. I saw the universe crumbling, as all possibilities began to manifest in my own mind. In the meantime, I felt every single physical feeling at once. My skin was crawling, I was weak and tired, but I couldn't sleep. This lasted about three more hours.
I fell asleep for half an hour, after my ten hour journey.
I woke up and M was gone. I was calm and things had sort of gone back to "normal". But I was sad, because even though I had discovered the ultimate source of my own anxiety, nothing had been resolved. But I was grateful - I felt a lot of love and compassion for other humans, especially my friends. I was awed that I had so many people watching over me and loving me.
I'm still trying to decide whether the journey was productive for me or not. Somehow it seems like some things haven't changed. In other ways, they have. I feel more sad, but more of an existential sadness than any kind of depression. How could I not be sad, knowing that I am still stuck in this constant fear? How could I not be afraid when I could not understand any reason for anything that existed? That there seemed no point to life, that the whole universe was chaos, that there was no light of peace and love that I had been hoping to reconnect to. But I am also fascinated by the ultimate terror of everything that is. I'm "calm" now, but I want to experience the fear again. And why? When I was scrambling, my skin crawling, begging for it to stop? I think it's because I learned so much, and I have a lot more to learn.
And I want to know the truth.
I'm just not exactly sure if this is the way I should go about it. Maybe I should try again, but even more.
