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Professional Sports Is Very Interesting (funny satire of sports fandom)

psood0nym

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When I first read this piece I wondered how ardent professional sports fans would react to, or rebut, its attack on the lifestyle. I'm still curious.

The Onion said:
Have you ever noticed how interesting professional sports is? If there's one topic that I enjoy spending hours thinking about and ruminating upon, that is it. Every match or round or game is an endless source of deep and satisfying contemplation. I never tire of watching a player rounding the bases, crossing the threshold into the end zone, or beating another professional athlete into unconsciousness, and then obsessively dissecting and analyzing every detail. A night spent speculating on the outcome of a sporting event—Will the first team win? Or will it be the second?—is the most intellectually stimulating evening I can imagine.

Whenever a ball is hit, put into a hoop, or carried to a particular point of significance, my mind instantly races to consider all of the action's possible ramifications: "How will this affect future hittings, throwings, and carryings of other, different balls?" I wonder to myself. What a joy it is to closely follow a random group of men thrown together in one geographic location working together to win contests of athletic ability. Each and every victory of a team full of people I'll never meet over another team full of people I'll never meet is a complex web of nuance and metaphor to contemplate at great length.

When my favored team or athlete defeats an opposing team in a sporting contest of some sort—be it the Super Bowl, or the playoff games leading up to the Super Bowl—I am full of thoughts, and eager to share these new thoughts with others who enjoy thoughts about sports.What could be more nourishing to the intellect than spending as much time as possible discussing scores and statistics with people?

You know when an athlete is interviewed before a game, and he proclaims his desire to beat his opponents? That is extremely interesting. Will they do it by scoring more points? Or by some other, more technical means? Only time will tell. And when a defeated athlete is interviewed following a loss, and explains the reasons for the disappointing outcome, that, too, is extremely interesting. Will he blame poor defense? Or poor offense? Either way, a topic to consider for weeks or even years.

When I'm not watching and then thinking about sports, I enjoy listening to other sports enthusiasts talk about the sports that they watched. Most of all, I enjoy my peers' descriptions of certain feats of athleticism they've witnessed. In turn, I like to reply with a similar anecdote about something I have seen myself, and then follow with a historical precedent that parallels both. Hours go by like seconds when I'm involved in a discussion like this. Invariably, one of us will say, "That's one for the record books," and, though exactly which record books is never totally clear, it is a professional-sports insight that will always be true.

Unfortunately, I occasionally encounter fans of teams I do not support, and I will never be able to understand how they can have come to such a clearly incorrect conclusion. I spend a great deal of time trying to set straight whatever misinformation they have received. Yet, they somehow still manage to believe that their team is the best, despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary. Take Red Sox fans, for example. The Red Sox suck, whereas the Yankees, by contrast, rule. There's simply no debating that. Why some people cannot grasp such obvious, empirically demonstrable facts is beyond me.

Perhaps the most wonderful thing about professional sports is that I always have the option of watching well-dressed, highly paid people discussing sports on television if I don't necessarily feel like discussing sports myself. These men and sometimes women often have an interesting take on the week in sports, and it gives me a lot to think about. For example, there may be factors in the outcome of a sporting event that I had not considered, such as the wind speed or a bad decision by a coach. The sportscasters will put forth a conclusion, with which I will either agree or disgree, and then, if the occasion arises, I will share that insight or conclusion with others and assimilate it to my own canon of knowledge and analysis about professional sports.

My goodness, there are so many sporting events to see and learn from. My only regret is that I lack the time to give my full attention to each and every one of them. If I could live forever, I would, and I would follow all the sports there are, enjoying multiple lifetimes of rich, rewarding study and discussion.

Sadly, this is an impossible dream. One day I will die, and will no longer be able to know what is happening in the world of professional sports. But I am grateful. I thank my creator for blessing me with the gift of a mind, and further bestowing upon me that eternally compelling topic—professional sports—with which to exploit it to its true and most glorious potential.

I like sports.
From Professional Sports Is Very Interesting, in The Onion.
 
Yea here's my fav.....and its actually from the Onion as well

You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area

By Bill Brodhagen
April 18, 2001 | Issue 37•14
Bill Brodhagen
Article Tools

As you can see from the calendar, the game is coming up this weekend. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our cities are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the sports team from my area defeats the sports team from your area.

On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction that your area's sports team will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear you make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that your sports team could beat my sports team? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way.

When the sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.

I would not be a bit surprised if the individuals on the team from your area were sexually attracted to members of their own gender. That is how ineffective they are on the field of battle.

Underscoring your team's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. The colors for my team, on the other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one another. They are a superior color combination in every way.

While we are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective facilities in which our teams play. While my team's edifice is blessed with architectural splendor and the most modern of amenities, yours is a thoroughly unpleasant place in which to watch a sporting contest. I know of what I speak, for I once attended a game between our respective teams in your facility. Let's just say the experience left me wishing that my car was inoperable that day due to mechanical problems, rendering it impossible for me to get to your area to attend the game.

If you need another reason why the sporting franchise representing my area is superior, look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are the supporters of the team from my region more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. In addition, the female supporters of the team from my area possess more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women from my side that I have observed could make a living by posing for pictures for major men's magazines. The women who cheer for your team, I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so.

One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in your immediate area possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the team from my area inspires loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.

To illustrate this point, let me tell a brief story: Recently, I was on vacation in an area of the country far away from my own, and I saw many individuals wearing items of clothing that bore the insignia of my team. I approached one such individual and asked him if he originated from my area. He said no, explaining that he simply liked the team from my area and had for many years. Interestingly enough, during this trip, I saw no clothing or other paraphernalia bearing the insignia of your team.

Do you still doubt that the team from your area is inferior to the one from mine? Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.

The day of the game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the team from your area, your team will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.
 
the second Onion article is a classic, and sourced numerous times by any sports fan worth his salt.

the first article is kind of funny. to the original poster, do you see sports as worthless as the article's author?
 
to the original poster, do you see sports as worthless as the article's author?
No, definitely not in as general a sense as your question implies. I like playing some team sports, but I'm mostly into more individual stuff (skiing, rock climbing, rafting, jumping off shit on drugs with a rubber band around my ankles). The perspective illustrated in the article is pretty close to mine regarding professional sports fandom, however. I've had this essential prospective since about second grade (when I was disturbed by everyone I thought I knew suddenly screaming at me manically to run after I kicked some silly ball during gym class!) despite a lot of attempts at counter-conditioning by my friends and family. I figured some fans might enjoy the self-deprecating humor. But more, the literal perspective implied by the article has always prevented me from feeling anything but fleeting passion about the outcome of a game. Yet this passion commands billions of dollars, and takes up the free time and mental energy of billions of people. I can't reconcile the two perspectives, and I'm curious how sports fans do (if they do).
 
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