Cyanoide
Bluelighter
I am sorry if this post isn't especially coherent, even when drunk it seems to be important to me that my posts follow some kind of logic.
I have an alcohol problem and I get severe withdrawals when I drink heavily. These WD's I treat myself with massive amounts of diazepam and clonazepam. And those are also a problem in itself, because I have 2 times successfully withdrawed from benzos. The first time I was in detox for almost 2 months, the second time was spring 2016 when I found a doctor willing to help me. I'm addicted to all GABAergics; alcohol, benzos and Lyrica. In that order. I am fortunately not physically dependent on benzos now, but at this rate I will soon have activated severe benzo WD again.
So here's the story:
My alcohol problem started in 2012. I had been using prescribed benzos for 10 years and was tapering diazepam. It was horrendeous. I started drinking heavily in September and couldn't stop. October 2012, I was at work both drunk and high on diazepam. There had been suspicions at work for some time as to e.g why my speech was so slurry. But at that point I had actually drank 24/7, first thing in the morning and last thing in the night. So when my boss called for a meeting to discuss my situation, it was too late. I was sent to detox, where firstly the alcohol WD's were treated, and after that a benzo taper with diazepam which was successful.
I was without benzos for about 6 months. Then I started using RC benzos (etizolam, diclazepam, pyrazolam, flubromazepam etc). It didn't take many months until the WD's were again "activated", and I was again physically dependent on benzos. And importantly, at this time I again drank 4-6 pints of beer every night to make things worse.
I found a doctor willing to help me. At that point I was heavily hooked on RC benzos, I used diclazepam daily. We switched to oxazepam and I did a very painful and traumatic taper, while working at my job normally. Or as normally as you can. The taper was successful, and in June 2016 I was again benzo free.
I decided that I'll never touch benzos again.
September 2016 was the starting point for the current situation, although it's a continuation of my alcohol problem that started in 2012. I started drinking again, almost every evening, 4-6 pints. Sometimes more. I also started abusing Lyrica heavily, as it was a wonderdrug for both alcohol and benzo WD. But I didn't use Lyrica only to combat the WD's, I've been heavily abusing it in 1000+ mg doses quite often just to get high. I occassionally also used amphetamine and cocaine, and for the comedowns even more alcohol and benzos.
So when I finally successfully tapered the benzos the second time, it took only a couple of months to ruin so much. As alcohol is a GABAA agonist just like benzos, the drinking activated the benzo WD's again. So now I combat the most severe alcohol WD's with diazepam and/or clonazepam, and the more minor with Lyrica.
I am at the moment physically dependent on Lyrica. Although the WD's are fortunately not dangerous, they are extremely unpleasant. The anxiety is worse than on benzo WD, horrendous, and the insomnia is severe. So guess what I tried taking to get some sleep? Beer.
I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before I again am physically dependent on benzos, as I take them almost weekly in massive amounts. And e.g. diazepam has active metabolites with an extremely long half life (nordiazepam). So the benzos are in my system a long time.
The reason I take them is alcohol. In December I got seizures from alcohol WD for the first time, and it was extremely scary. I had been drinking for several days then, maybe 3-4. I had never previously felt like being in acute physical danger. That was the catalyst to this thread. I realized that I am going to die if I continue like this. At the moment my drinking is forcing me to use benzos, as there is no other option to combat the WD's. I drink almost every evening, and I have been drinking this weekend (although I've mostly used amphetamine). I've drank enough to "warrant" 50-60 mg diazepam to calm me down. I have a clear limit as to how much I can drink without getting WD's, and it's 4 pints. Anything over that and I'm screwed. The problem is that I often exceed that limit, as my judgement is impaired under the influence of alcohol and I don't care about the consequences.
To better understand my life situation, I will need to write another post. But basically, I am very lonely. I have only one friend that I see 1-2 times a month. Other than that, there's no content in my life. I hate my job with vengeance, and that is one big factor that drives me to drink. My colleagues are rasistic, homophobic and sexistic. Being in their company is depresssing. And that's a big chunk of my life that I spend at workplace I can't stand. But the loneliness is the most important reason for my drinking. I fill the void and emptiness in my life with drugs.
Detox and such is out of the question. Been there, done that. And here I am again. I can more than well handle the alcohol WDs with benzos myself. I have also been in hospital a few times the last years where I've been given IV diazepam. Those times it was my parents that drove me to the hospital, as I had no benzos to help me.
What I need is some content in my life. The alcohol and drugs have killed my inspiration for so many things. E.g. I have a big passion for Psychedelic Trance, I play records, like to record sets and collect both new and rare records. Or should we say, I had a passion. I had a good run from January 2016 to August 2016. Well the benzo WD was terrible but I didn't use any other drugs, I exercised (jogging, cycling, badminton) and ate healthy. But the inspiration for exercise is also gone. The alcohol and other drugs have somehow "passivated" me, and made me apathetic and I suffer from severe anhedonia. I also wrote a post in another section about my sexuality being killed by SSRI's 3 years ago. I don't get any enjoyment from other stuff than drugs, really. I do love to listen to music. But that's about it.
10 years ago I suffered from panic disorder, GAD and severe social phobias, which locked me into my apartment for 5 months. It was a kind of "official sick leave", and the psychiatrists gave the green light to it. So I only went to therapy, not to University (I would have been forced to take so massive amounts of alprazolam that there wouldn't have been any point). As the years passed I suddenly noticed that I don't have any social phobias or panic disorder anymore. I don't know the reason for that, but I'm completely indifferent to big masses, meetings, seminars etc. That's probably the only good thing right now. But I have this past of mental problems, which is good to know.
I wouldn't have written this if I were sober. At least now when I've taken amphetamine, alcohol, Lyrica, clonazepam and diazepam I have inspiration to write and even contemplate things. When I'm sober I'm so uninspired and also shy that I don't get much done. I sometimes also wonder what role my personality plays here. I'm a very shy and kind person (some say too kind, as I always avoid conflicts), quite emotional and vulnerable. If someone would want to abuse or take advantage of me, it would probably be quite easy. I can't stand my ground. Another issue that I don't get things done. I should find a new job (I would like to go back to the University to study Sociology as a postgraduate). I should start a diet. I need to save more money. I need to start exercising. I need to eat healthy. But nothing gets done. Nothing.
I need to get my life sorted. Alcohol has destroyed so much the last 5 years. This has to stop. I have also started to get arrhythmias from the alcohol, and a markedly high blood pressure. For that I take propranolol. I don't eat healthy, as I really just don't care. I've gained 15 kg just in a few months.
Please, any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
(Edit: Just to clarify, I don't drink amounts exceeding 4 pints every evening, but now and then, like right now).
I have an alcohol problem and I get severe withdrawals when I drink heavily. These WD's I treat myself with massive amounts of diazepam and clonazepam. And those are also a problem in itself, because I have 2 times successfully withdrawed from benzos. The first time I was in detox for almost 2 months, the second time was spring 2016 when I found a doctor willing to help me. I'm addicted to all GABAergics; alcohol, benzos and Lyrica. In that order. I am fortunately not physically dependent on benzos now, but at this rate I will soon have activated severe benzo WD again.
So here's the story:
My alcohol problem started in 2012. I had been using prescribed benzos for 10 years and was tapering diazepam. It was horrendeous. I started drinking heavily in September and couldn't stop. October 2012, I was at work both drunk and high on diazepam. There had been suspicions at work for some time as to e.g why my speech was so slurry. But at that point I had actually drank 24/7, first thing in the morning and last thing in the night. So when my boss called for a meeting to discuss my situation, it was too late. I was sent to detox, where firstly the alcohol WD's were treated, and after that a benzo taper with diazepam which was successful.
I was without benzos for about 6 months. Then I started using RC benzos (etizolam, diclazepam, pyrazolam, flubromazepam etc). It didn't take many months until the WD's were again "activated", and I was again physically dependent on benzos. And importantly, at this time I again drank 4-6 pints of beer every night to make things worse.
I found a doctor willing to help me. At that point I was heavily hooked on RC benzos, I used diclazepam daily. We switched to oxazepam and I did a very painful and traumatic taper, while working at my job normally. Or as normally as you can. The taper was successful, and in June 2016 I was again benzo free.
I decided that I'll never touch benzos again.
September 2016 was the starting point for the current situation, although it's a continuation of my alcohol problem that started in 2012. I started drinking again, almost every evening, 4-6 pints. Sometimes more. I also started abusing Lyrica heavily, as it was a wonderdrug for both alcohol and benzo WD. But I didn't use Lyrica only to combat the WD's, I've been heavily abusing it in 1000+ mg doses quite often just to get high. I occassionally also used amphetamine and cocaine, and for the comedowns even more alcohol and benzos.
So when I finally successfully tapered the benzos the second time, it took only a couple of months to ruin so much. As alcohol is a GABAA agonist just like benzos, the drinking activated the benzo WD's again. So now I combat the most severe alcohol WD's with diazepam and/or clonazepam, and the more minor with Lyrica.
I am at the moment physically dependent on Lyrica. Although the WD's are fortunately not dangerous, they are extremely unpleasant. The anxiety is worse than on benzo WD, horrendous, and the insomnia is severe. So guess what I tried taking to get some sleep? Beer.
I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before I again am physically dependent on benzos, as I take them almost weekly in massive amounts. And e.g. diazepam has active metabolites with an extremely long half life (nordiazepam). So the benzos are in my system a long time.
The reason I take them is alcohol. In December I got seizures from alcohol WD for the first time, and it was extremely scary. I had been drinking for several days then, maybe 3-4. I had never previously felt like being in acute physical danger. That was the catalyst to this thread. I realized that I am going to die if I continue like this. At the moment my drinking is forcing me to use benzos, as there is no other option to combat the WD's. I drink almost every evening, and I have been drinking this weekend (although I've mostly used amphetamine). I've drank enough to "warrant" 50-60 mg diazepam to calm me down. I have a clear limit as to how much I can drink without getting WD's, and it's 4 pints. Anything over that and I'm screwed. The problem is that I often exceed that limit, as my judgement is impaired under the influence of alcohol and I don't care about the consequences.
To better understand my life situation, I will need to write another post. But basically, I am very lonely. I have only one friend that I see 1-2 times a month. Other than that, there's no content in my life. I hate my job with vengeance, and that is one big factor that drives me to drink. My colleagues are rasistic, homophobic and sexistic. Being in their company is depresssing. And that's a big chunk of my life that I spend at workplace I can't stand. But the loneliness is the most important reason for my drinking. I fill the void and emptiness in my life with drugs.
Detox and such is out of the question. Been there, done that. And here I am again. I can more than well handle the alcohol WDs with benzos myself. I have also been in hospital a few times the last years where I've been given IV diazepam. Those times it was my parents that drove me to the hospital, as I had no benzos to help me.
What I need is some content in my life. The alcohol and drugs have killed my inspiration for so many things. E.g. I have a big passion for Psychedelic Trance, I play records, like to record sets and collect both new and rare records. Or should we say, I had a passion. I had a good run from January 2016 to August 2016. Well the benzo WD was terrible but I didn't use any other drugs, I exercised (jogging, cycling, badminton) and ate healthy. But the inspiration for exercise is also gone. The alcohol and other drugs have somehow "passivated" me, and made me apathetic and I suffer from severe anhedonia. I also wrote a post in another section about my sexuality being killed by SSRI's 3 years ago. I don't get any enjoyment from other stuff than drugs, really. I do love to listen to music. But that's about it.
10 years ago I suffered from panic disorder, GAD and severe social phobias, which locked me into my apartment for 5 months. It was a kind of "official sick leave", and the psychiatrists gave the green light to it. So I only went to therapy, not to University (I would have been forced to take so massive amounts of alprazolam that there wouldn't have been any point). As the years passed I suddenly noticed that I don't have any social phobias or panic disorder anymore. I don't know the reason for that, but I'm completely indifferent to big masses, meetings, seminars etc. That's probably the only good thing right now. But I have this past of mental problems, which is good to know.
I wouldn't have written this if I were sober. At least now when I've taken amphetamine, alcohol, Lyrica, clonazepam and diazepam I have inspiration to write and even contemplate things. When I'm sober I'm so uninspired and also shy that I don't get much done. I sometimes also wonder what role my personality plays here. I'm a very shy and kind person (some say too kind, as I always avoid conflicts), quite emotional and vulnerable. If someone would want to abuse or take advantage of me, it would probably be quite easy. I can't stand my ground. Another issue that I don't get things done. I should find a new job (I would like to go back to the University to study Sociology as a postgraduate). I should start a diet. I need to save more money. I need to start exercising. I need to eat healthy. But nothing gets done. Nothing.
I need to get my life sorted. Alcohol has destroyed so much the last 5 years. This has to stop. I have also started to get arrhythmias from the alcohol, and a markedly high blood pressure. For that I take propranolol. I don't eat healthy, as I really just don't care. I've gained 15 kg just in a few months.
Please, any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
(Edit: Just to clarify, I don't drink amounts exceeding 4 pints every evening, but now and then, like right now).
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