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Probably no hope

Vacuumhed

Vacuumhed

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 30, 2009
Messages
82
Fuck you all
Or is it actually fuck myself
So many different worlds
yet what I see seem to be the only one
One with a lot of rage, hate and envy
No different from yours
Still different from the norm

Watching the people around
joking, messing
having discussions
Hearing their laughter
Such enthusiasm for life
as simple as 1+1
yet to me a complex equation
trying to solve it step by step
without much success
12 years
full of confusion
24 years
full of fear
full of misunderstandings

Enviornment changing my mindset
becoming more and more isolated
turning paranoid
unmotivated
down
loosing that once beloved myself
That little guy, eager to explore and discover
running from activity to activity restlessly
however, a time with true happiness
the unforgetable moments spent with the family
That funny confident dad awkard like me
Loving yet never home
Too busy with the work he was so intrested in
Traveling the world, all around.
And the kind mom who had such a hard time
sacrificing herself for her only treasure
always supporting and listening to the spoilt son
such warm and soft times
that will never come back

Now snorting powder
BInging cigs
Drinking
Popping pills

Jobless
unmotivated
Intrestless

I am pretty much in a serious mood of going on. I can not accept myself for the one I am, I am in need of social contact, but I cant. Its simply likie requesting me to walk with two legs when you only have one. I NEED SOCIAL CONTACT. A lot of people with aspergers have a strong intrest, but I dont.

Wanna know? Been so fucking lonely whole my life due to my fucking aspergers, being used by friends that I believed were real friend, but in reality they were just using me as my family was rich. Im tired, I cant fucking stand people anymore due to fear, distrust and inability to hold a conversation. I cant fucking stand doing anything and I cant fucking stand keep on pretending I am alright. I CANT FUCKING STAND THE ANXIETY MOOD SWINGS CANT FUCKING STAND STANDING FUCKING SHIT ANYTHING.

There is no point in continuing, I have already come way too far to the point of no turning back. Without social skills I am going nowhere.
 
Man I am so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time :(
At the risk of oversimplifying things, it sounds like you're hanging with the wrong crowd. Perhaps, if you're in to drugs, you're trying to socialise with the very people who are more likely to take advantage of you and your fortunate position in life (i.e. your family's weath).

But there ARE a LOT of people out there who aren't like that, who won't take advantage of you, and who will accept you for who you are. You just have to find them.

I think the first step would be to move away from the drug scene man, seriously. It's not helping your situation ONE BIT. I know it will be hard at first, especially if you've been messing around with drugs for a while, but in the long run it will help your depression, your anxiety, your aspergers, your outlook on life, and it will motivate you to find the right people to socialise with.

Do your parents know how unhappy you are at the moment? Maybe talk to them, things will be easier still if you have their support <3
 
i would agree with everything n3oph7e said and add that you need an outlet for this emotion other than drugs. i've been playing music for 6 or 7 years now and its always been my way of communicating or getting out all those emotions that i can write down with words or explain with conversation. its also turned out to serve as a great social medium. when people hear my music it seems like they understand/appreciate who i am more(or less if the dont like it haha) but either way, i find many people love art for the same reasons you are hating life right now. what i mean by that is you can spend all your energy, time and emotion focusing on how fucked things are or you can do something about it.

find ways other ways to express your thoughts if words dont work for you. honestly the more active you are, the more motivated you becmoe. you have to start somewhere. interest and passion come with time, what might be a small flame at first can grow into a wildfire if you tend to it right.

dont focus so much on the things that bring you down and focus more on doing the things that make you happy. dont give up man.
 
Wah, I know you are angry but that was really well written - you've got a good flair. I am so sorry you are so angry but with eloquence like that you're going to be alright - there's a way for you. *psychic vibe*

So forgive me if I am all wrong, I am just going to ask questions

So I'm reading that you're lonely and I dont really properly undrstand aspergers apart from what I've read, but not from a real person, so I'm going tostay away from that so you can call me an idiot - but my question is

With eloquence and a way with words like you have and a clear expression of how you feel, who have you told closer to you about how you feel?
Who could you tell? Who cares about you? Or, who superficially cares about you for their own ends? (hee x)
How could you tell them?
What is you want? What things could you do to make that happen?


I'm just saying that ... there's a way for you - I dont know- forgive me, but I read about how you are feeling angry and lonely and yet you have master over such a communication tool... go communicate. I think you'll find peple will welcome you.

Mayb you're hiding behind the aspergers - I dont know.

I dont want to anger you - if I seem flippant, it's because I dont know you and just reading what I read - you write beautifuly - get on with it. hahaha
 
^ wtf is the point in that? lol?

Anyway,if it makes you feel any better... I am pretty much the poster boy for suffering soul. I know what its like to be so low that you feel like your going to explog de, but you dont. You keep it all locked up inside instead. And it builds over years until you crash. And when you crash its like what 4-10 years of bad merit hitting you all at once?

Im not exactly the advice master, but from the little that I know, focus on whats real, not what society tells you is real. Bless you.
 
Vacuumhed said:
Fuck you all
Or is it actually fuck myself
So many different worlds
yet what I see seem to be the only one
One with a lot of rage, hate and envy
No different from yours
Still different from the norm

Watching the people around
joking, messing
having discussions
Hearing their laughter
Such enthusiasm for life
as simple as 1+1
yet to me a complex equation
trying to solve it step by step
without much success
12 years
full of confusion
24 years
full of fear
full of misunderstandings

Enviornment changing my mindset
becoming more and more isolated
turning paranoid
unmotivated
down
loosing that once beloved myself
That little guy, eager to explore and discover
running from activity to activity restlessly
however, a time with true happiness
the unforgetable moments spent with the family
That funny confident dad awkard like me
Loving yet never home
Too busy with the work he was so intrested in
Traveling the world, all around.
And the kind mom who had such a hard time
sacrificing herself for her only treasure
always supporting and listening to the spoilt son
such warm and soft times
that will never come back

Now snorting powder
BInging cigs
Drinking
Popping pills

Jobless
unmotivated
Intrestless

I am pretty much in a serious mood of going on. I can not accept myself for the one I am, I am in need of social contact, but I cant. Its simply likie requesting me to walk with two legs when you only have one. I NEED SOCIAL CONTACT. A lot of people with aspergers have a strong intrest, but I dont.

Wanna know? Been so fucking lonely whole my life due to my fucking aspergers, being used by friends that I believed were real friend, but in reality they were just using me as my family was rich. Im tired, I cant fucking stand people anymore due to fear, distrust and inability to hold a conversation. I cant fucking stand doing anything and I cant fucking stand keep on pretending I am alright. I CANT FUCKING STAND THE ANXIETY MOOD SWINGS CANT FUCKING STAND STANDING FUCKING SHIT ANYTHING.

There is no point in continuing, I have already come way too far to the point of no turning back. Without social skills I am going nowhere.
Click to expand...

That was written quite beautifully. Do you journal? I know sometimes it makes things easier if you write them down, so that when you're ready you can go back and look at all the bad times versus the good times. I know I'm not exactly the most credible person, as I've had my own flirts with death, and it would be hypocritical of me to cast the first stone, but at the very least, my hospitalizations and partial programs have given me lots of outlets to release the way I feel inside and maybe writing it down might be good for you, as it seems to come so naturally to you. You must be a right brained person to be able to be so creative (I might even be as bold to ask if you're left handed), me on the other hand I'm very left brained and am steeped in logic (A+B=C type of person, mostly in part in my training in college). I hope you use the outlets that have been bestowed upon you to help release your frustrations, and elations into words. I wish you the best, and hope the best for you. Good luck.
 
I read your thread and no replys yet bc I felt a connection that made me laugh and swell tears. Nothing helps better I can find in my days than understanding. I'm not doing well right now is how I found this forum. I am seeking optamism out of lonelyness not to mention the rest of my drama. Why seek the safety of the web to connect??? Well

"There is no point in continuing, I have already come way too far to the point of no turning back. Without social skills I am going nowhere. " - Originally Posted by Vacuumhed

I'm in cronic pain so my temper is very close at hand. I've developed a tendancy to lash out. I'm 31 and been dealing with this for a decade to just now realize this. Help is very hard to find without fate I believe. I gave up on life in ways and I am seeking optamism and anything/something to touch my life that feels real again. I am of the type that got stuck living on min wage. Just to say I've had to focus so hard I get confused, and give up after so much turn down. I'm still here so to this I'll give thanks no matter how resentful I feel. When I ask myself why do I avoid so much I answered fear every time. Time after time my lashing and expectations control my decisions. If I could laugh that would be awesome but as always I am angry. I'm fucked over , thats fucked up , bullshit ass bullshit fucking asshole selfish fuck lalalalala with no release. I found the smile bc i feel at times

Originally Posted by Vacuumhed
Fuck you all
Or is it actually fuck myself

The reality of right and wrong can get very distorted. I don't want to drive people away from me and I don't want to be so angry.

This as a whole was refreshing. Ambition without motivation. I feel like an excuse as I laugh at myself.
 
Death seems intresting. It will end all kinds of misery, and having experienced deep stuff with psychedelics and cannabinoids, death is a wonderful thing.

I'm not gonna die yet. But it's hard living a life where you cant describe yourself in a way that people will understand, so they get the reason I don't fit in. It's so complicated.

Mixed state mania sucks dudes.
 
^ Each time I attempted and failed suicide, I was happy that I did survive. To some suicide seems poetic, but in the end it isn't. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just remember, no matter how bad you feel now, there are still days where you are happy. I know how hard it is to stop ruminating over your problems to sit back and objectively look at your situation, because molecules such as dopamine and serotonin can wreak havoc on your though process. Like I said, sit back and try to remember the last time you were happy, or had a good day, because being depressed can skew time, and make time frames that last for days seem like they are forever. I'm sure there are things that you feel like you have yet to accomplish and suicide will never allow you to complete these tasks. Our subjective thoughts make us seem like our situation is unique, when in fact there are many, many others that are feeling/going through the same thing you are right now. It's all how you cope with these situations. What had helped me was to make a crisis card, which gives me outlets to escape these feelings by doing something as simple as talking to a friend that understands you, or even doing things that distract you from the way you're feeling, no matter how hard that may seem. I am willing good hope, and positive vibes your way, so that you can get through the way you're feeling now and make it back to a point where you're not so down.
 
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