Please tell me I haven't done anything permanent (MDMA)

[PrinceOfNigeria]

I've only fully realised now that I've been taking pingers(Common MDMA Pills) every weekend or so (Sometimes 2 days in a row or if an event came up during the week I'd partake again) since January 26th with the quantity slowly increasing from 1 or 2 in a night to 5 in a day total + 10mg dexamphetamine + a couple lines of crushed pinger and dex. Before this I already smoked weed everyday and was quite comfortable with it went from smoking like 3 grams in a nice night to 7 between myself and a couple close mates when we're rolling. I'd read this study briefly at some point (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20174577/) and thinking myself smart in the moment while I was still reeaaally scattered from the weekend still I would smoke as much weed as i could get my hands on between the weekends and am unsure that it's contributed to the problem. The thing is I'm only 16 (Please don't even bother commenting on how irresponsible/idiotic it was due to my age, I assure you I've already been hating myself for it) I was fully aware of MDMA's neurotoxicity beforehand but I somehow managed digging myself this hole still thinking I've known people who've taken way more in a night and they seem fine. I didn't take into account the regularity of use in these people and the motivation.

A couple weeks past January 26th and my family situation was deteriorating, I'd completely lost interest in school (Year 11 which in Australia means I'm preparing for the HSC which is the equivalent of the SAT I'm pretty sure) and had taken to wagging and snorting dex occasionally on these days (pinger on one of them) and slowly began realising that the reason I hang out and talk with friends was changing from because I enjoyed them intellectually and emotionally, to just enjoying taking drugs with them. I've also always had an anxiety problem that runs in the family but have always managed it really well. I only realised the extent of my use due to a violent fight with my parents and almost getting the arse from school. I can feel my thoughts are slower than they used to and am really worried I may have permanently blunted myself intellectually and emotionally. I've noticed my inner dialogue has been simplified a LOT. I find it harder to enjoy smaller normal things and when I talk to people it's like I don't actually listen, I simply extract what i need out of the sentence if that makes sense. It feels mechanical almost. I go for a walk and the goal is simply to get to Point A rather than taking everything in and THINKING. I'm infinitely more irritable and have sporadic mood swings.

I've already abstained for 2 weeks and am currently on a holiday in Thailand partially as an effort to get away from the drugs and just everything really to sort my head out. Yet I still don't have much improvement. Please tell me there's a way back, I've recently bought some multivitamins and plan to take those regularly and I can't get my hands on 5htp supplements. To any who've gone through a similar experience or worse who knows how did you pull yourself back out of the hole you dug, and did you ever fully recover? I just cant get past the feeling that I've permanently fucked myself and become the brainless druggie I've always sought to avoid. (First post so I apoligise if I still posted in the wrong thread)

 

[PrinceOfNigeria]

thanks. love you

 

[badfish45]

I'm not judging you for your drug use, as I am almost 17 and have had periods of heavier use of substances that can do damage to my brain. I used to take DXM, so man dont hate yourself for it. You wanted to have fun, it's what we all just want to have. That's what makes drugs so attractive to you and me. They're something new and fun that everyone our age does, and while we struggle to make sense of this existence, drugs stay the same and never seem to change on us. You make mistakes, we all do. It's about what you take from them.

Anyway, MDMA can have some pretty detrimental affects if you continue to use at that rate. I'm glad you're trying to abstain, but try to straighten out your head a bit. You seem very jumbled, torn apart and confused with your decision on quitting, but for the sake of your mental health I see it as a very good choice. MDMA should be experimented with no more than once a month, and at our age no more than once every 2-3 months (and ideally, we should abstain until we are adults). It is considered neurotoxic, so I'd suggest reading up on this.

http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/mdma/mdma_neurotoxicity.shtml

I know people who have had periods of MDMA abuse and had a lot of memory troubles as well as depressive episodes, and after a long period of abstinence they were able to almost fully recover. I don't know the extent of damage you did to your brain, but it seems like abstaining from the drug permanently would be good for you. Get yourself some exercise, some brain exercises, go experience life outside of drugs. You and me have the rest of our lives to do drugs, but we only have a couple more years to be kids. Now is not the time to give up and just indulge in these hard drugs, saying "fuck it, I'll deal with it later, I'm just a kid now". Your brain is all you got, so you need to respect it. Hard drugs are going to be around all of our lives, and if we want to use them when we're older, then nobody can stop us, just like they can't now. But as you've learned, our decisions when we decide to play with the fire of drugs at our age, most likely we'll get burned somehow. It's not our time to be launched into the void. It's not our time to narrow down our lives to experiencing one high. Don't feel like you've destroyed your entire life. I'm glad you learned this early, most of the people I know are still learning, but I'm so sorry you had to learn. It took me a couple of years, but really the only drug I'd ever recommend doing at our age (and that's implying that I'd recommend drugs to anyone our age) is marijuana, and even that can be shady.

I wish you the best in your recovery.

 

[Sepher]

I think you'd be unlucky to have done permanent damage to yourself. In Ecstasy Discussion you'll see advice to roll only every few months, which is straight harm reduction of course, but the pattern of use you describe is what we were all doing weekend in, weekend out for months and years in the late 80s / early 90s, vast majority of us got away with it I think with no lasting damage. That's not to say anyone should push it on that basis, obviously. It was never a good idea, that's just how it was.

Over-frequent use can lead to serotonin receptor down-regulation, the brain trying to protect itself from too much serotonin swimming round your system. I'm guessing here but I suspect that may well lie at the root of a lot of the negative effects you're experiencing here. Period of abstinence should see things start to rebalance out. I'm unsure of the time-frame TBH, I'm no neuropharmacologist or whatever but I wouldn't worry overmuch just now. Still early days for you, the consequences of your pattern of use are still being played out. I would hope ( and expect ) that things improve for you in the coming weeks.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

I'm going to move this to Sober Living since you said you were making an effort to get away from drugs and looking for advice about recovering from your drug use, but if you would like it moved back to The Dark Side please let me know

Personally I went through a phase where I was taking MDMA and speed regularly, and yes I do think I recovered pretty quickly. (The problem for me was that I messed it up later on by using addictive drugs of a different class, so don't do what I did in that regard, I had to learn the hard way, but I truly don't think my MDMA/speed use caused me permanent damage). I think you're doing the right thing by stopping and by taking vitamins - try to eat healthy, get lots of sleep, drink lots of water and try to do things you enjoy too.

TDS -> SL

 

[RedLeader]

I went to uni in Australia, so I know how the scene is down there. It's very easy to get caught up doing it every weekend, I guess because there are just so many weekend ecstasy warriors in that country. Anyway I lived that life for about a year (07-08 ), drinking, speeding, tripping, etc as well.

I moved to Hong Kong for a few months the day after my last roll and tried to calm my life down there. And honestly, I feel like I bounced back pretty fast. I missed it a lot, but the side-effects (brain-zaps, sleep paralysis, dehydration, fog-like reality) all went away in a few weeks. Yes, I have battled depression and anxiety for years after, but who knows how much of that is innate, was instead caused by other drugs, etc. I try not to label myself anything (e.g. washed-up e-tard) and just focus on NOW and how I can make life marginally better.

Just don't let a quick rebound from this give you overconfidence in your own resilience. This is how I ended up on heroin, and you don't want to go there. Trust me.

5htp, vitamin, h2o, perhaps some BCAAs...TIME and REST. You will be okay, your body just has to heal itself.