Please help. My last relapse caused me to do things I never thought I would :(

[MiraLuv]

Hi guys. I've been clean since Monday from heroin but used some fioricet to get thru withdrawal. That's over now but I can't get it out of my head that most every morning I would bring my son to the westside. I live in Chicago. To buy it. I'm such a horrible person! I regret doing that so much! I'm a single mom I live alone with my son and have been an addict for 15 years. Trying recovery since 2001. Relapse are getting shorter. Which I guess is good. I just can't do this anymore. I do not want to use drugs. I also have severe anxiety borderline personality disorder and an eating disorder. I had such a bad panic attack that my dr put me back on gabapentin yesterday and I finally slept ok and the withdrawal is pretty much gone today finally. Rehabs didnt work. Meetings help when I go. I lost my job last year and started to get deeper into drugs now I'm in school and I need to get more of a life and sober friends. I don't want my 2 year old son to suffer for my opiate addiction. Can anyone please help me!!

 

[brutus]

As a recovering addict, there's a great deal of things that I regret and it took me quite some time to forgive myself. But eventually you must forgive yourself for things that you did such as bringing your child to go and buy dope. There's no reason to let your past haunt you.

 

[MiraLuv]

Anyone else relate?? Thank you for the reply and not judging me!!

 

[Sepher]

There are things I am deeply ashamed of that I did when I was an addict. I robbed my own mother blind when, against her better judgement, she took me in after I'd robbed her blind previously on the promise that I was trying to get clean more than once when I had nothing left and nowhere to go. She has more than forgiven me for it. Self-forgiveness is harder to find, but I have found it mostly. As an addict I was much, much less than the man I would want to be. That man, that heroin addict that I once was, no longer exists. He is almost a stranger to me eleven years clean.

Guilt is a useless emotion, except insofar as it shines a light on things we have done to others that we should maybe try and redress. If you feel you owe your son something then fine. If there is something here you think you can and should redress, fine. If there is nothing to be done there and it's just something in the past you will have to live with, fine. In living with it be gentle with yourself, accept that as addicts we do things we would not ordinarily do, and move on. You must forgive yourself for it. Stop dwelling in the past, else it will continue to impact on your present. Focus on your where you are now and what you are now as you move into the future.

 

[stilesface]

Mira...I'm a meth addict (52 days clean) and the single mom of a 5 year-old boy. As part of recovery I just focus on making him #1 from this point forward. I cannot undo the past, it is part of me and part of my boy. I can only show him that I can beat it, that I love him enough to stay clean and to be the best mom I can be...because i have already been a not so great one. Holding ononto the guilt can drown you. Kids forgive, they just want to be loved, encouraged, provided structure and stability. Just do that. It gets easier. Not even two mnths in and my son is thriving and adjusting and happy. He holds no blame, but is just happy to have his mom back. You can do this. You need to do this. You sound like you know what to do. Good luck!

 

[MiraLuv]

Thank you! Congrats on almost 2 months!!

 

[spork]

You say meetings help when you go, by all means GO to them then!! Do whatever it takes to make it there. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and want what's best for your son. Please allow yourself forgiveness for your past mistakes so you can move forward and be the best mom you can be.

 

[MiraLuv]

Thanks!