RobotRipping
Bluelighter
Well to begin, I have been a drug user for about 7 years now. I have managed to avoid physical addiction by mostly sticking to psychdelics, the odd stimulant and opiate and rarely taking any pills of any kind.
This was all okay until I discovered Phenezepam. I have a long history of anxiety that stretches as long as I can remember, no matter how hard I try i cannot seem to uncover the root of my anxiety problems. I knew that benzos were great at eliminiating anxiety so I was quite excited to finally have a pure source of one, instead of barely enjoying the odd ativan or klonopin.
The first few weeks were in retrospect absolutely awful, however, while high, they seemed like the most fantastic weeks of my life. I started out at about 1-2 mg couple times a day and I have never been so messed up in my life. I would lose balance everywhere and had a few falls directly on top of my computer and my coffee table, which you would think would be nearly impossible but was quite likely during that time. I was extremely social for once in my life (I am very inhibited socially usually) and felt that I was finally on top of things and feeling normal.
This feeling continued while my tolerance eventually allowed me to function on phenezepam without falling everywhere and looking to others like I'm an alcoholic. However my doses had increased also to about 6mg a day and up to 12mg a day depending on how good i wanted to feel. I was now taking phenezepam 24 hours a day.
Now in month 4-6 I have little memory of what went on. I was making friends, being social and finishing my undergrad degree and somehow getting good marks. It seemed like a miracle or dream come true.
I was also working a shitty job and was finding at high doses that I would slur my words so badly that I could not talk. The solution at the time was 32-48 mgs of ephedrine, which would balance out my extreme slurring so that no one could really tell i was very high.
In month 6 my usage was getting extreme, probably averaging at least 10mg a day, done throughout the day 4-5 times (phenezepam) while sticking to a relatively small dose of ephedrine. The thing with phenezepam is that it lasts forever (not literally but a lot longer than ativan for example). This is when I found out that I would never be able to get phenezepam again. I used what i had left (i lost 500mg of phenezepam as well, never to be found again).
I asked a doctor if coming off phenezepam cold turkey would present any medical problems (like a massive seizure) and the doctor refused to discuss it. So not much help there, so I decided to go cold turkey (well i didn't have any other choice). The withdrawals never hit me until probably 2 weeks after. I do not remember ANYTHING from the first 2 weeks, it's so blurry and hazy that I couldn't have been withdrawing but it's certainly possible.
The 2 weeks following this were miserable for me, somehow everything fell apart in my life (of course life has to wait until I'm off phenezepam to drop bombs on me). I fell into a dark hole of depression, with massive anxiety, panic attacks almost daily and a feeling of utter destruction and defeat.
I'm now about one month in total off of any benzo whatsoever. I still get cravings in my dreams which troubles me and my anxiety is difficult to deal with but no matter what, I'd choose to deal with my anxiety rather than become a monster like I was.
When i was on phenezepam i felt confident and powerful. I now realize this was all a grand illusion created by myself. I was an arrogant asshole and did things that I would not normally do (being overly aggressive and rude). The complete lack of responsibility did not occur to me until after I quit.
I've quit every drug possible except cannabis in order to feel normal again. It was the hardest thing to withdraw from for me as I've never experienced a real physical addiction before. Coupled with depression from messing up my life so bad, it has been an awful time. I could probably get a prescription for a benzo but after experiencing the pain, I can't do it again. Is there any hope for someone with extreme anxiety (less so depression)?
I've tried wellbutrin but the first dose made me feel like i was going schizophrenic (I had a psychotic break about 6 years ago and I went paranoid schizophrenic for a period of maybe a couple weeks). The increase in dopamine is not something I want to put my body through, as I feel it may have some possibility of causing me to go schizophrenic again. Is this really the case? Will wellbutrin help me with social/general anxiety?
I'm out of answers but am forcefully turning my life around, had an oppourtunity at a good job but messed it up and I am having difficulty putting the pieces back together. I have a long history of trauma which is likely why my anxiety is out of control but nevertheless it has been a lifetime problem, stemming from something I either suppressed in a deeply hidden memory or that happened to me as a child.
I apologize for the long post, for those withdrawing from phenezepam or other related chemicals, I hope you get through it and out of that terrible pit of self-destruction that I found myself in at least. It is not easy at all but it can be done.
All in all I wish I had never touched a benzo, even opiates don't make me feel like that (for some reason I just don't like opiates, maybe i should try more but likely not). If others have had similar experiences with benzos I'd love to hear how it went as these kinds of stories have been the only thing that has helped me through my addiction.
Thanks for reading.
This was all okay until I discovered Phenezepam. I have a long history of anxiety that stretches as long as I can remember, no matter how hard I try i cannot seem to uncover the root of my anxiety problems. I knew that benzos were great at eliminiating anxiety so I was quite excited to finally have a pure source of one, instead of barely enjoying the odd ativan or klonopin.
The first few weeks were in retrospect absolutely awful, however, while high, they seemed like the most fantastic weeks of my life. I started out at about 1-2 mg couple times a day and I have never been so messed up in my life. I would lose balance everywhere and had a few falls directly on top of my computer and my coffee table, which you would think would be nearly impossible but was quite likely during that time. I was extremely social for once in my life (I am very inhibited socially usually) and felt that I was finally on top of things and feeling normal.
This feeling continued while my tolerance eventually allowed me to function on phenezepam without falling everywhere and looking to others like I'm an alcoholic. However my doses had increased also to about 6mg a day and up to 12mg a day depending on how good i wanted to feel. I was now taking phenezepam 24 hours a day.
Now in month 4-6 I have little memory of what went on. I was making friends, being social and finishing my undergrad degree and somehow getting good marks. It seemed like a miracle or dream come true.
I was also working a shitty job and was finding at high doses that I would slur my words so badly that I could not talk. The solution at the time was 32-48 mgs of ephedrine, which would balance out my extreme slurring so that no one could really tell i was very high.
In month 6 my usage was getting extreme, probably averaging at least 10mg a day, done throughout the day 4-5 times (phenezepam) while sticking to a relatively small dose of ephedrine. The thing with phenezepam is that it lasts forever (not literally but a lot longer than ativan for example). This is when I found out that I would never be able to get phenezepam again. I used what i had left (i lost 500mg of phenezepam as well, never to be found again).
I asked a doctor if coming off phenezepam cold turkey would present any medical problems (like a massive seizure) and the doctor refused to discuss it. So not much help there, so I decided to go cold turkey (well i didn't have any other choice). The withdrawals never hit me until probably 2 weeks after. I do not remember ANYTHING from the first 2 weeks, it's so blurry and hazy that I couldn't have been withdrawing but it's certainly possible.
The 2 weeks following this were miserable for me, somehow everything fell apart in my life (of course life has to wait until I'm off phenezepam to drop bombs on me). I fell into a dark hole of depression, with massive anxiety, panic attacks almost daily and a feeling of utter destruction and defeat.
I'm now about one month in total off of any benzo whatsoever. I still get cravings in my dreams which troubles me and my anxiety is difficult to deal with but no matter what, I'd choose to deal with my anxiety rather than become a monster like I was.
When i was on phenezepam i felt confident and powerful. I now realize this was all a grand illusion created by myself. I was an arrogant asshole and did things that I would not normally do (being overly aggressive and rude). The complete lack of responsibility did not occur to me until after I quit.
I've quit every drug possible except cannabis in order to feel normal again. It was the hardest thing to withdraw from for me as I've never experienced a real physical addiction before. Coupled with depression from messing up my life so bad, it has been an awful time. I could probably get a prescription for a benzo but after experiencing the pain, I can't do it again. Is there any hope for someone with extreme anxiety (less so depression)?
I've tried wellbutrin but the first dose made me feel like i was going schizophrenic (I had a psychotic break about 6 years ago and I went paranoid schizophrenic for a period of maybe a couple weeks). The increase in dopamine is not something I want to put my body through, as I feel it may have some possibility of causing me to go schizophrenic again. Is this really the case? Will wellbutrin help me with social/general anxiety?
I'm out of answers but am forcefully turning my life around, had an oppourtunity at a good job but messed it up and I am having difficulty putting the pieces back together. I have a long history of trauma which is likely why my anxiety is out of control but nevertheless it has been a lifetime problem, stemming from something I either suppressed in a deeply hidden memory or that happened to me as a child.
I apologize for the long post, for those withdrawing from phenezepam or other related chemicals, I hope you get through it and out of that terrible pit of self-destruction that I found myself in at least. It is not easy at all but it can be done.
All in all I wish I had never touched a benzo, even opiates don't make me feel like that (for some reason I just don't like opiates, maybe i should try more but likely not). If others have had similar experiences with benzos I'd love to hear how it went as these kinds of stories have been the only thing that has helped me through my addiction.
Thanks for reading.
,.good luck mate..
I'm sorry you had to experience it.