@P.0.T.u.S
I started my use of 0xycodone about 10 years ago, in August of 2005. I never prior to 2013, the first 8 years,
took more than two of the common Percocet generic 5/325's. Over 50% of the time, I took only one tablet
per day, and in the first 5 of the last 10 years, I did allow deliberate breaks of about 2 days out of a 10 day run
without any Percocet tablets. However, by December of 2013, I lost my source of self administration of the
Percocets. I tapered down slowly,often 1/2 tab per day, in the final year, but could only abstain from this
relatively low dose, no longer than 14 to 21 days. In 2013, several times, I was in abstinence for 10 weeks at
a time, and once, I was able to actually abstain for 5 months entirely. My source that cut me off is permanent.
The Post Acute Withdrawal Systems, is what always caused me to return to my 0xycodone pill habit. Since I
have never had a M.D to prescribe the meds to me, I turned in 2014, to sources again, underground, in this
case, outside of the USA, and, I will just say, the only 0xy I could obtain, was the much stronger, 20mg to 40 mg
of 0C.
As a recovering alcoholic of 28 years of unbroken sobriety, and 28 years of unbroken sobriety from Cocaine, and Methaqualone, benzodiazepines, with the exception of low doses of stimulants for ADD no
Nicotine, and MJ, "I was still what I call dope sick, even after toughing out the 5 to 7 days of detoxification from the opiates Percocet 5mg with 325mg of APAP or most lately, 0C ER 20 to 40mg.
The book "Pain Pill Addiction" (Prescription for Hope) by Jana Burson, M.D written in 2010 ISBN 978-160844-
698-0 by Dog Ear Publishing, hit me hard with a rude awakening about the psychological cravings I denied, as
most of the time, while abstinent, from 0xycodone, I consistently felt a feeling of low grade persistent fatigue,
depression, and irritability. The medical model calls this PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome).
My M.D (a Psychiatrist member of AA) has monitored my dextroamphetamine use since sobriety year
11 (1994) up to the present year, with a gradual decreasing dose, as the benefits have been decreasing
for at least the past 6 years, taking this international controlled substance, that I never abuse.
When I was in my 12th year of sobriety, I was unemployed for nearly one year, and, I have had three (3)
major depressive episodes during my lifetime that lasted over two years in duration, usually triggered by
a romantic relationship breakup, all three times, (the last time was a violent expensive Divorce) and due to a aggressive, uncalled for Restraining Order, my ex-wife placed on me, she wanted more $$$
my Depression, I gradually lost faith in the over 2,500 AA meetings I had attended for 28 years, with 8
different male sponsors, and in addition to that during the 28 years of sobriety from alcohol, I had had 4
psychotherapists, I saw each one for about two years in length, twice a month, for one hour, either a MSW,
or Ph.D talking male or female therapist with Dialectic Behavior Training, Cognitive Behavior Training, and
most importantly, Relapse Prevention Training, that was very intense, that involved 90 minutes of intense
private 8 person group therapy confidentially every week for one year. I learned about switching addictions, that I have done all of my life, especially sex addiction, achievement addiction, and
escape addiction, (moving geographically all over the USA, and, taking expensive trips to foreign
countries, well beyond my means, to escape reality. (Holland, Germany, Austria, Caribbean, Hawaiian
Islands on 4 different occasions, the Caribbean, and, Mexico, on 3 different occasions) 1985 to 2014.
I learned and believed, that there are about 8 healthy behaviors, that are outlets, for stress if done in modesty,
but, "Food" (eating and dieting) or Gambling, or Sex, or Working/Achieving, or Exercise, or Thrill Seeking
Behavior, or "Escape" or "Spending" in a ADDICTIVE COMPULSIVE EXTREME WAY, had life damaging
consequences in my life, with the other 8 members of this non AA group. (2 of the 8 committed
suicide, during the same year of therapy, and, all, had what society labels success).
The addictive equation I learned and later "forgot" was, "Pain + alcohol or drugs = immediate pleasure + future
pain, and, what I forgot in a dozen years of AA sobriety, and no mood altering pills, was, that, Pain + Compulsive
Behavior = immediate pleasure + future pain.
I took on my own free will 0xycodone pills, due to the Pain of rejection, losing 50% of my assets, and my
lifetime partner, as my ego was badly damaged, and when the Depression returned I had faced twice before, unable to hold down a job, and unable to live independently, just slept and ate my life away.
in my 20's and my 40's, this time, I lied to myself, that perhaps strong pain meds would elevate my mood to
escape the Depression, that I was facing almost 10 years ago. I did not tell anyone, not even my M.D.
Now, I have escalated to 0C 40 mg tablets and, in the past 12 months, I am slipping in a black hole, why?
I cannot afford it moneywise, I feel too guilty to go to AA or NA meetings anymore, or even ACOA meetings.
I dropped my Sponsor 6 years ago. In my interpretation, once one loses faith, trust, and "belief in
anything" (the first 3 steps in 12 step programs) one is just not going to last....with any peace of mind
In the past 180 days, I have gotten much worse elevating from 5/325 Percocets USA, to 0C 40mg, and,
have only been able to be abstinent a total of 60 days out of the past 180 days...........thus my withdrawal
of 5 to 7 days and my PAWS I can only handle now, barely two to three weeks without returning to ...........
well...................8 times the daily dose, I was "managing, from 2005 until 2013. I have since by
divorce 10 years ago, over $500,000.00, over 50% of my retirement security, not all my fault, but
I am running scared meaning I am paranoid, as, I cannot continue spending twice what I receive
monthly, without losing everything, all of my security. I have already sold 4 of my 5 antique cars, and
now owe, a record US $25,000.00 on credit cards, from a "0" balance since the year 1987 to 2011.
My education from the school of hard knocks from other addictive drugs, many years ago, and the book I
just referenced, tells me, I need from 8 months to one year to feel "normal" again, and "not dope sick". The longer one is on opiates, the longer it takes one to feel "normal".
That is a tall order and I am in great fear, as, I am entering the retirement age, and I no longer work for a
living, and have not worked for a living, in 3 full years, retiring early. The drug prices alone all by itself, will
have me bankrupct within 3 years if I continue at the pace, I began in early 2014, and doubled up in 2015 to
twice the usage. "Your case, IMHO, is entirely different, my case is a extreme case, and I do believe
you will be alright, with your early knowledge, of the consequences of long term use, like I have had"
Therefore, I do know what you mean, by "Cravings yes, physical withdrawals no". I compare Percocet and/or
0C 20 0C 40 or even 0C 80 as something I cannot have in my paid for home, just like in my late 20's, when I
could never have "white powder nose candy" in my home ever, if I did, I could not stay away from it. In that
case I moved 2,000 miles away, went into a 42 day inpatient treatment center, and then a 90 day halfway house,
until I found a caretaker, a new girlfriend to rescue me, and take me under her wing, and escape my environment
of drug users, and, to attend AA, CA, and NA where no one would recognize me, in a state 2,000 miles away.
I do not have those options anymore, because I do not have the money, nor the energy, or desire, to make
such a radical move to save myself. I must do this somehow, with the help of someone, that is running the
Universe and it sure is not me. Internet Addiction Disorder is my escape when I am @ excessive compulsive
use of a healthy outlet, like using the Internet from 40 to 60 hours per week and then sleeping my life away,
the rest of the time. Sorry for my long rant, but, I am powerless right now, in spite of two college degrees in
Psychology and Substance Abuse and totally burned out of speaking the "solution" at 12 step meeting from 1983
until 2011, when I quit 12 step meetings, 100% AA after leaving CA, NA, ACOA, and Coda 4 years ago.
I was wrong, Percocet did not heal my broken heart when my wife left me almost 10 years ago, and, now, it is
abstain, or lose all of my assets my health, and perhaps my life. I though it was healing my Depression, as
psychotherapy did not, former material possessions did not, exotic traveling (escape) did not heal my Depression,
nor did educational credentials, or bragging rights of long term sobriety did not heal my Depression, I now see
that opiates make it worse for me....and I often think I am losing my mind. You are not alone. (Not edited for errors
in spelling...sorry) Some of my data came from another book "Staying Sober" by Terrance Gorski, of Chicago IL
"A guide for Relapse Prevention" 1986.
