Marauder
Bluelighter
This is not a scientific study. It's a stream of consciousness. Some things I've been wanting off my mind. In this thread, I will stick to stimulant abuse.
The inefficiency, mental dialogue, inability to focus, boredom keep resulting in stimulant binges. 2010 was heavy in Methylone, 2C-E, MDPV, Xanax, and MXE.
From the end of 2011 until now, ...
I have been taking an SSRI + Wellbutrin. Doses varied and there were periodic withdrawings from the meds. For the most part, I was on these daily at their highest available dose. I missed some days and double (or triple) dosed on other days. If I was withdrawing for a week, I will take 1 dose, wait 12+ hours and take 2.5x etc. There was considerable instability in the beginning of my regimen but the past year has remained fairly consistent in subjective effects (though doses and ingestion time varied.)
Wellbutrin and Paxil or Zoloft feel like they diminish everything (except 2Cs, MXE, weed, ...) "Diminish" in this context means that they dampen some of the effects of cocaine, MDMA, Methylone, MDAI. Anything that acts on increasing serotonin or dopamine or norepinephrine indirectly or directly will be subjectively different, weaker, stronger, etc. Don't mix prescription drugs together or other substances.
Anyway, from 2010+, there were heavy binges on 4-FA, 4-FMA, Cocaine, and MDV.
MDPV is pure and cheap. Even if it wasn't, it's the most addicting thing I've ever felt. This drug only gave me empathetic effects in very high doses. I had MDPV sitting around for a few months, having tried a tiny line than and finding it uninteresting. If I wanted MDPV to work as expected, I would take at least 15 coke sized lines a day. Sleep was non-existant, I felt I was awake and fully alert. The drug is very stimulating and feels somewhat like ethylphenidate or ritalin. High and chronic dosing leads to vivid hallucinations, voices, delusions and paranoia. With chronic use, there seems to be a ceiling after which you experience these effects (stimulant psychosis.) This ceiling is lowered with every dose. I have gotten to the point where even if I abstain for a month, only a few doses will begin making me paranoid. If I miss one day of sleep I begin hallucinating. The hallucinations are a manifestation of my paranoia. I was in fight or flight mode. I felt fantastic, but was unable to fully understand why. I never gave it a thought. MDPV abuse leads to psychotic symptoms very rapidly.
In hindsight, being in an instinctive mode is very enlightening and gives a good picture of cognition, motivation, happiness and etc being being broken down. The more you take the drug, the more (subtle) effects you begin to recognize. You begin to see patterns. What general mechanism in the brain is responsible for what subjective effect. Being able to see frames of reality from different angles is a major catalyst in helping me consciously grow.
The entire "experience" was life changing to me and my views on motivation, happiness, mindfulness, meditation, schizophrenia and depression.
A batch of 4-FA from a US supplier blew every other stim I've tried. It was potent, very long lasting (8+ hours), had no crash or hang over except with chronic use. The drug is not moreish. It completely changed my perception on nootropics. Euphoria is just another effect of the drug. People generally take or stick to a family of drugs that makes them feel like they are at their best. For example, anxiety has serious repercussions on almost every aspect of my life. While benzodiazepines have their cons, when taken responsibly (no dose increases, stick to a strict routine/schedule), they stop the internal dialogue completely.
I say "internal dialogue" - what does that mean? It's a feeling of not being in the present moment. The majority of what you are experiencing in your mind and physically are related to the past or the future. Everything is questionable and you will begin to question everything you're doing. This becomes routine and your body finds ways to work around it, but you're always at a cognitive disadvantage. The "cognitive pros/cons" in this context means that your brain and body are stable enough to allow for sustaining attention to some activity, to passively and objectively experience (be aware) of external stimuli. There's no "good" or "bad" - things just are. you can choose to label every experience in a certain way, or maybe your emotions happen first (chemically) and begins having a strong influence on your thoughts. On what you pay attention to.
Anxiety causes one to operate at below the national baseline. It's a range and these both allow to depression as well. It's an illness.
In the past 3 days I slept for a total of 6 hours here and there and have gone through at least 4.5g of very pure coke. I feel nothing if I take the amount my friends take, anxious and irritated if I take a slightly higher dose. It's only when I do a VERY big line that I feel coke the way it feels off meds. There's empathy, etc. This is because of my meds and I DO NOT suggest you take big lines. In fact, I'm beginning to hallucinate in my peripheral vision and will be going to sleep.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been taking etizolam on and off. I always take benzos when binging. I try to keep my mind and heart rate down, and benzodiazepines add some protection against having a seizure (serious if you're on wellbutrin/bupropion.)
After the first few doses, stimulants become very impotent, ineffective and have a short lifespan. Not sleeping or fully recovering between doses quickly leads to your prefrontal cortex being shutdown and you being a robot—not yourself. You may feel good, and this gives you positive thoughts (emotions lead to thoughts) but this is temporary. Maybe having a routine and sticking to it will lead to performance enhancement.
I need to stop, but when? I'm not talking about the withdrawal. After I get through that and back to my baseline, I return to the boy who grew up with low mental and physical energy, a short attention span and what have you. It doesn't matter if the drugs lowered my baseline or not. There are definitely lasting changes, but none that are negative.
This coke feels (and looks, tastes) very pure. It feels very clean. I have not experienced any severe crash thus far (this entire week.) It's extremely difficult to choose between buying an 8 ball and getting the binge out of my system, sleeping off my last dose and waking up somewhat near baseline (when meds taken after coke, but then what?), taper myself off (no withdrawal symptoms that a few hours of sleep won't fix though.)
I'm going to meditate.
The inefficiency, mental dialogue, inability to focus, boredom keep resulting in stimulant binges. 2010 was heavy in Methylone, 2C-E, MDPV, Xanax, and MXE.
From the end of 2011 until now, ...
I have been taking an SSRI + Wellbutrin. Doses varied and there were periodic withdrawings from the meds. For the most part, I was on these daily at their highest available dose. I missed some days and double (or triple) dosed on other days. If I was withdrawing for a week, I will take 1 dose, wait 12+ hours and take 2.5x etc. There was considerable instability in the beginning of my regimen but the past year has remained fairly consistent in subjective effects (though doses and ingestion time varied.)
Wellbutrin and Paxil or Zoloft feel like they diminish everything (except 2Cs, MXE, weed, ...) "Diminish" in this context means that they dampen some of the effects of cocaine, MDMA, Methylone, MDAI. Anything that acts on increasing serotonin or dopamine or norepinephrine indirectly or directly will be subjectively different, weaker, stronger, etc. Don't mix prescription drugs together or other substances.
Anyway, from 2010+, there were heavy binges on 4-FA, 4-FMA, Cocaine, and MDV.
MDPV is pure and cheap. Even if it wasn't, it's the most addicting thing I've ever felt. This drug only gave me empathetic effects in very high doses. I had MDPV sitting around for a few months, having tried a tiny line than and finding it uninteresting. If I wanted MDPV to work as expected, I would take at least 15 coke sized lines a day. Sleep was non-existant, I felt I was awake and fully alert. The drug is very stimulating and feels somewhat like ethylphenidate or ritalin. High and chronic dosing leads to vivid hallucinations, voices, delusions and paranoia. With chronic use, there seems to be a ceiling after which you experience these effects (stimulant psychosis.) This ceiling is lowered with every dose. I have gotten to the point where even if I abstain for a month, only a few doses will begin making me paranoid. If I miss one day of sleep I begin hallucinating. The hallucinations are a manifestation of my paranoia. I was in fight or flight mode. I felt fantastic, but was unable to fully understand why. I never gave it a thought. MDPV abuse leads to psychotic symptoms very rapidly.
In hindsight, being in an instinctive mode is very enlightening and gives a good picture of cognition, motivation, happiness and etc being being broken down. The more you take the drug, the more (subtle) effects you begin to recognize. You begin to see patterns. What general mechanism in the brain is responsible for what subjective effect. Being able to see frames of reality from different angles is a major catalyst in helping me consciously grow.
The entire "experience" was life changing to me and my views on motivation, happiness, mindfulness, meditation, schizophrenia and depression.
A batch of 4-FA from a US supplier blew every other stim I've tried. It was potent, very long lasting (8+ hours), had no crash or hang over except with chronic use. The drug is not moreish. It completely changed my perception on nootropics. Euphoria is just another effect of the drug. People generally take or stick to a family of drugs that makes them feel like they are at their best. For example, anxiety has serious repercussions on almost every aspect of my life. While benzodiazepines have their cons, when taken responsibly (no dose increases, stick to a strict routine/schedule), they stop the internal dialogue completely.
I say "internal dialogue" - what does that mean? It's a feeling of not being in the present moment. The majority of what you are experiencing in your mind and physically are related to the past or the future. Everything is questionable and you will begin to question everything you're doing. This becomes routine and your body finds ways to work around it, but you're always at a cognitive disadvantage. The "cognitive pros/cons" in this context means that your brain and body are stable enough to allow for sustaining attention to some activity, to passively and objectively experience (be aware) of external stimuli. There's no "good" or "bad" - things just are. you can choose to label every experience in a certain way, or maybe your emotions happen first (chemically) and begins having a strong influence on your thoughts. On what you pay attention to.
Anxiety causes one to operate at below the national baseline. It's a range and these both allow to depression as well. It's an illness.
In the past 3 days I slept for a total of 6 hours here and there and have gone through at least 4.5g of very pure coke. I feel nothing if I take the amount my friends take, anxious and irritated if I take a slightly higher dose. It's only when I do a VERY big line that I feel coke the way it feels off meds. There's empathy, etc. This is because of my meds and I DO NOT suggest you take big lines. In fact, I'm beginning to hallucinate in my peripheral vision and will be going to sleep.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been taking etizolam on and off. I always take benzos when binging. I try to keep my mind and heart rate down, and benzodiazepines add some protection against having a seizure (serious if you're on wellbutrin/bupropion.)
After the first few doses, stimulants become very impotent, ineffective and have a short lifespan. Not sleeping or fully recovering between doses quickly leads to your prefrontal cortex being shutdown and you being a robot—not yourself. You may feel good, and this gives you positive thoughts (emotions lead to thoughts) but this is temporary. Maybe having a routine and sticking to it will lead to performance enhancement.
I need to stop, but when? I'm not talking about the withdrawal. After I get through that and back to my baseline, I return to the boy who grew up with low mental and physical energy, a short attention span and what have you. It doesn't matter if the drugs lowered my baseline or not. There are definitely lasting changes, but none that are negative.
This coke feels (and looks, tastes) very pure. It feels very clean. I have not experienced any severe crash thus far (this entire week.) It's extremely difficult to choose between buying an 8 ball and getting the binge out of my system, sleeping off my last dose and waking up somewhat near baseline (when meds taken after coke, but then what?), taper myself off (no withdrawal symptoms that a few hours of sleep won't fix though.)
I'm going to meditate.
.. I did
