malakaix
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2008
- Messages
- 3,055
I have just recently finished writing the draft of a 10,000 word story detailing a week long hitch-hiking journey myself and a friend undertook last year in June.
I've only shown the finished draft to two friend's of mine to get opinions, both had a similar recommendation regarding the style of writing, i've never written anything of this length before or in the form of story/memoir format so I wrote with what felt comfortable and allowed me to get the bulk information down. I seem to have written mostly in past-tense, as though im re-telling the series of events rather then telling them as their unfolding with the reader's progression.
Both friends advised it would be more interesting in present-tense. I've taken the criticism on board and made an adjustment to the opening paragraph of the first chapter. I was hoping to get opinions on what reads better? At the moment i'm leaning in the direction of the second example.. but it also means i will have to re-write the entire thing, it will be easier since everything is already there and i can make adjustments.. but it's a lot to edit.
So here are the examples: (The grammar and punctuation is probably wrong, i still need to edit everything) The second is probably more of a mix of the two..
Old/Past Tense:
We started out on the right hand side of the southern highway leading out of Budapest after a series of metro and bus stops, there was a small emergency lane just to the right of the road that Yannek had researched as the best spot to begin hitch-hiking our way out of the city. I walked upto the edge of the road and watchedYannek stand off to the wayside completely in his element while i stood nervously next to the highway with my thumb out as car after car passed us by, this was uncharted territory for me and my heart was racing with the uncomfortable realization of what we were doing beginning to set in. I was familiar withthis in the movies but now I was on the receiving end and wondered if reality would match expectation. Each minute felt longer then the next as the traffic passed by.. this was pushing the limits even for the amount of solo travel I had previously undertaken but the shear exhilaration of the moment emboldened me.
New/Present-Tense:
"It should be just over here" Yannek yelled out from across the street, as he looked up from just below an underpass. Trusting his judgement i followed his lead hoping that he knew where he was going, we had been walking fifteen minutes down a street in the outer-limits of Budapest after a series of metro and bus stops and were now looking for a small emergency lane just above an underpass which we had researched as the best spot to begin hitch-hiking our way out of the city. It was mid-morning, no later then nine-o'clock and the rush hour traffic was in full swing, as we scaled the small hill leading up-to the rusted metal barrier we were met with a view of the high-way stretching out into the horizon. "This is it" Yannek said, "Just hold your hand out and remember to smile". Confronted now with the very immediate realization of what we were doing, I was thrown into the throes of anxiety and dread. I watched Yannek stand off to the wayside completely in his element while i stood nervously next to the highway with my thumb out as car after car passed us by, this was uncharted territory for me and my heart was racing. I thought back to movies and TV shows where I had seen people do this, and began to wonder if reality would match my expectation.
I've only shown the finished draft to two friend's of mine to get opinions, both had a similar recommendation regarding the style of writing, i've never written anything of this length before or in the form of story/memoir format so I wrote with what felt comfortable and allowed me to get the bulk information down. I seem to have written mostly in past-tense, as though im re-telling the series of events rather then telling them as their unfolding with the reader's progression.
Both friends advised it would be more interesting in present-tense. I've taken the criticism on board and made an adjustment to the opening paragraph of the first chapter. I was hoping to get opinions on what reads better? At the moment i'm leaning in the direction of the second example.. but it also means i will have to re-write the entire thing, it will be easier since everything is already there and i can make adjustments.. but it's a lot to edit.
So here are the examples: (The grammar and punctuation is probably wrong, i still need to edit everything) The second is probably more of a mix of the two..
Old/Past Tense:
We started out on the right hand side of the southern highway leading out of Budapest after a series of metro and bus stops, there was a small emergency lane just to the right of the road that Yannek had researched as the best spot to begin hitch-hiking our way out of the city. I walked upto the edge of the road and watchedYannek stand off to the wayside completely in his element while i stood nervously next to the highway with my thumb out as car after car passed us by, this was uncharted territory for me and my heart was racing with the uncomfortable realization of what we were doing beginning to set in. I was familiar withthis in the movies but now I was on the receiving end and wondered if reality would match expectation. Each minute felt longer then the next as the traffic passed by.. this was pushing the limits even for the amount of solo travel I had previously undertaken but the shear exhilaration of the moment emboldened me.
New/Present-Tense:
"It should be just over here" Yannek yelled out from across the street, as he looked up from just below an underpass. Trusting his judgement i followed his lead hoping that he knew where he was going, we had been walking fifteen minutes down a street in the outer-limits of Budapest after a series of metro and bus stops and were now looking for a small emergency lane just above an underpass which we had researched as the best spot to begin hitch-hiking our way out of the city. It was mid-morning, no later then nine-o'clock and the rush hour traffic was in full swing, as we scaled the small hill leading up-to the rusted metal barrier we were met with a view of the high-way stretching out into the horizon. "This is it" Yannek said, "Just hold your hand out and remember to smile". Confronted now with the very immediate realization of what we were doing, I was thrown into the throes of anxiety and dread. I watched Yannek stand off to the wayside completely in his element while i stood nervously next to the highway with my thumb out as car after car passed us by, this was uncharted territory for me and my heart was racing. I thought back to movies and TV shows where I had seen people do this, and began to wonder if reality would match my expectation.