Mental Health opiod usage out of control.. Help

[need-a-life]

Hi, I'm new here but I appreciate the solid no BS advice I have recived so far.
I go through 600 mg a month of hydormorph over a 10 day period for a very real chronic medical condition. My problem is that once I get them, I take them all, in increasing dosages until they are gone. Usually about 10 days. Stopping once I start seems to not be an option anymore. That leaves me occasionally going to the ER for IV morphhine or dilaudid to cover the rest of the month. Not a good thing. I've accidently taken too much before, it kind of creeps up on you. Once I woke up on the bathroom floor, not knowing how I got there and there was a FULL tub of hot water that I had somehow started and stopped. If I had entered the tub I have no doubt I would have become a statistic. I'm one lucky girl there.

I know (or maybe not) that rehab or a 12 step program will go for complete elimination of the dilaudid. I actually do need it a few times a month for pain. I had a MRI last week just to make sure it was not progressing to pancreatic CA. No results yet. I'm sure it will be the same results as usual but they are just checking for worst case scenario.

My question.... is it possible to do some sort of harm reduction and through whatever means, be able to have the narcs but only get to a place where I use them for physical pain rather than mental anguish. Life just seems rosier on narcotics.. duh.. I know..you got to come down sometime and life is still there.

Any ideas or am I going to have to possibly stick with multiple ER visits for pain control They really hate that but tough! . I'm in Canada so thankfully I'm not running up any bills doing that.

Thanks

 

[tripnotyzm]

I think it comes down to self control..
This is a pretty common dilemma with patients who actually need such prescribed drugs.
The fact that they are so addictive creates a dangerous opening for addiction.
One good thing is that you realize what is happening, and you are seeking help on your own. A lot of people drift away with the drugs and let the addiction control them for a very long time.
I am sure you will receive some good responses and great support from others in this forum.
Stay strong and good luck with your pain & drug management.

 

[mindsnare]

Wow that musta been scary waking up on the floor knowing how close a call that was...

Anywho on to the issue at hand.
Do you have anyone close to you that could potentially hold on to your meds and administer them when you need? Or do you feel comfortable talking to your doc about it?
That would just take care of the practicalities.

But what I think you should really consider is why you are taking so much.. is it just fun or are you trying to numb yourself to deal with deeper issues.

Have you considered talking to a psychologist or someone similar about all this?

Just a few thoughts, I hope ou get some more betterer suggestions, it must be a struggle when you have legitimate pain issues to deal with. Do they have pain management clinics in Canada? Might be worth looking into.

Also as trip says it is all self control.. if you figure that one out let us know!

All the best, much love to you.

 

[lonewolf05]

Keep yourself alive for a few more years. A new pain killer is being developed that is derived from scorpion venom that is non-addictive and is even more powerful than morphine. If you have so much of a self-control issue that you are ending up in the ER you need to seek professional help immediately. DO NOT WAIT! You may end up saving your life.

 

[blueheaven]

As an addict, I'd just like to temper the "it comes down to self control" advice with a side of "self control may not cut it" if you're using to get high and not just for pain. That's where a lot of people including me got started, no judgment here. The only thing that has worked for me to walk that fine line between "therapeutic usage" and "eating all the meds" is putting somebody else in charge of my meds. But that kind of thing can destroy a friendship too, depending on where it stands, so sometimes it makes more sense to let the professionals be in charge of the meds. One thing I can promise is that you are not alone and if you do decide to share your dilemma with your docs, they will have seen/heard this before, so don't let embarrassment or something keep you from getting help if you need it to stay alive. You run a real risk of having your script yanked wtih some docs if you admit non-therapeutic use, but if your use is putting you in mortal danger - and it sounds like it is - then you might need to try something new. There do exist docs who will not yank your script but will work with you to find somethign more sustainable, so don't feel like it's necessarily all or nothing if you try to change something or get some help.

Good luck. I feel for ya.

 

[mrflowers00]

you could always have someone else hold on to it and dull it out to you as needed

 

[need-a-life]

Thanks everone for the advice.
This sounds really silly but after reading your posts I just realized that I am worse off than I thought! I'm not interested in becoming a statistic from OD-ing. And I'd like my life back. My eyes are more open than before. My brother went to an inpatients rehab for Alcohol (and whatever else he was doing). He was doing great in rehab, leading groups, etc. Within 10 days after being discharged he was drinking again (no surprise) and sadly he stroked out and died. I don't want to end up like him.... dead.

 

[jaspersilence]

Pretty soon those E.R visits are going to get you into trouble with your doctor,whom may cut you off completely...Conjure up the will power,or give your meds to someone who can administer them only when needed...Good luck friend

 

[need-a-life]

I've stopped the ER visits. Unfortunately a couple of them resulted in suprise admissions due to my lytes being a mess and not being able to keep down the dilaudid and zofran (for nausea). I can't tell when the lytes (decreased potassium) go whacky and kidney function decreases (increased creatinine, etc ) by how I feel.

Ultimately I realize this is going to be alot harder than I thought. And that really is putting it mildly. Harm reduction is my goal but I'm not sure that will even come close to working.
I apparently have the self control of a flea.
I'll have to spend a bit more time reading the board here. There is alot of great information.

 

[SkagKush]

Unfortunately as an addict self control is not always the issue, and being 'weak' has nothing to do with it. Once you have put something into your body your sort of past the point of being able to control your intake. It sounds as if your at a crossroad in your drug use and pain management, so it might be time to reach out and ask for help. In my opinion it sounds like dealing with the physical pain is more important to you then numbing out the emotional pain. You have clearly voiced that you have an issue and that you want to do something about it, thats the first step.

Good luck in your journey.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

Perhaps for a start you could get the pharmacy to only give you a small amount of your drugs at a time?

Is your pain something that you truly feel you will always require opioid medications for? If not, perhaps you could consider being honest with your doctor and doing a controlled taper in order to get off opioids and then switching to treating your pain with non-opioid drugs and other treatments? If that seems unrealistic, perhaps you could consider switching to a less addictive and less easily abused form of an opioid? For example a patch or something?

Another thing to consider is getting help with your mental addiction. If you are scared to discuss it with your doctor you could always talk to a therapist or go to meetings or something. There are normally reasons behind why someone uses their drugs in an addicted out of control manner as opposed to strictly the minimum required for their pain, and working on those reasons is very important. It may still be difficult to go back to self-controlled strictly as prescribed use of these drugs though.

I know for me switching to a drug that was not my "drug of choice" and working on my mental addiction and life/lifestyle helped a lot, as well as learning how to better cope with physical pain and emotional pain. I eventually decided to go off of opioids completely and deal with my pain in other ways, which has certainly not been easy but I really wanted to be free.

 

[Morphling]

Would it be possible to switch to an extended release version of a different med, something it's hard to abuse and to which you might be less tolerant? Dilaudid is indeed the crack of all opiates, trust me I know.

 

[mrflowers00]

i have the same problem but i go through 1000mg of hydromorphone in 5 days and 3600mg of oxy in 5 days the other 20 days i'm in tons of pain i have no clue how to live a normal life while i do this to myself

 

[need-a-life]

I tried long acting opiates but I was trying to work at the time and I can't work with opiates in my system. I forget things and am just not me.
I wanted something short acting so I could grit my teeth at work, then take the pills when I got home. That worked for a while but I lost control of when I was taking pills. Never at work, heck, I'd just not go to work. That's a big problem yeah?!
I switched to dilaudid because I dont' get the euphoria from it like supadol (oxycodone). I liked supadol so they had to go. Problem is that I still chase the high with dilaudid but rarely get it. I do however feel better on it, no pain, more energy, etc. REally I'm just stoned and my body knows it. I do get depressed for a couple days after running out of pills every month but that passes.
I've tried rationing them out via friends etc but that can be hard if you actually need them and your friends are at work and you have to wait or it's the middle of the night, etc.
I'm afraid of getting cut off all the way if I admit that I'm having problems since it actually does hurt. Just not all the time but often. NSAIDS don't work. I do have lots of other prn meds for cramping, nausea,etc, that can help, but nothing stops the viseral pain like opiates.

MRflowers00 I totally get you. That is a whack load of drugs in a week. And being in chronic pain , I'm so sorry.

So I'm left with how do I stop myself when I don't always want to stop. Maybe because I'm worried about it now it will help somehow. Shoot, I'm looking forward to next week because I can refill my RX. How sick is that!