Opiates run my life! HELP

[xxxanaxxx]

Hey,
I guess I'll give some background on me, I'm 22yrs old and have been physically been addicted to opiates for the past 11 months, almost a year. I started shooting heroin when I was 16 or 17 and was always able to avoid physical addiction by using a few times a week and spacing out my using days. I started doing drugs when I was 15 and don't seem to have any problems with my drug use besides the past 11 months with opiates. I have access to pot, benzos, X, psychs, K, etc... and can control myself and use responsibly.

How I got physically addicted; I started going to pain mgt. docs with my friend who was older than I, wealthy, succesful, expensive cars, house, etc... So I really looked up to him and admired him in how he was able to have money and nice things and be able to get high at the same time. He developed a physical addiciton to the roxys and dilaudid and told me. I was using but avoiding a physical addiction, we both decided to embark on a physical addiciton and that when it was time to clean up we would go to detox together or whatever and he had money so that was not an issue.

Anyways, a few months ago he passed away from an overdose of ketamine, oxys, xanax, dilaudid, and ecstasy...(crazy right?). I lost my best friend and the most important person in my life and was left with no house, and a raging addiction to opiates. My use varies, I like to maintain on 900mg of oxy IV, 300mg (10 roxy 30mg) per shot, 1 in the am, 1 in the middle of the day, and 1 before bed. I have the tolerance where I can do 6,000mg of oxy in a day and still get out of bed. Yes you read that right, I have gone through 200 roxy 30s in 24hrs and been able to walk around and function.

I am writing this in as I am in detox right now, I am here for 14 days because last time when I tried detox for 7 days I left so sick I relapsed within an hour. I should be getting a life insurance check from him passing any day now which will make life much more manageable for a bit till I blow through the cash. We were both dr shopping with quite alot of drs, at this point I am still going to 2 doctors and am terrified, I have a clean legal record and would hate to get a charge on that.

I am a reasonably smart person and have ambitions to go to college, law school, raise a family, etc... But these pills are holding me back. I can't legally get enough to maintain my addiciton from one doctor so I am forced to break the law. I hate my life without opiates and do not see myself ever being completley drug free. I feel like I have opened a pandoras box and can never go back, a day without opiates is hell to me, I want to wake up to a shot and go to sleep to one too.

I know people have beat this but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't want to stop using but I do at the same time! They have cost me everything, from money, to my best friend, to my family etc.... And for some reason it all seems worth it to put that blue water in my veins and feel that woosh.

I feel like I'm in too deep and don't have the strength to climb out of this hole. I don't enjoy life without opiates. What do I do, keep on, live fast, die young of an OD or suicide. Or clean up and hate my life? I should be elated, I'm about to get a check for over $100,000 and all I can think about is how long that will last till I blow it and end up finishing myself off. FUCK That money could put me through college, lawschool, etc... but am I really going to put it in my fucking arm?....probably

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, just some advice, i want to be able to use without a physical addiction like I used to but I also want to use every day...I'm so lost and feel like I have been through a war dealing with all of this. If my check came today I think I would probably pack my bags, leave detox and go get high....pathetic!

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ENCOURAGEMENT
either "yea, man, enjoy the next year and go out with a bang" or "clean yourself up, make something of your life, this is how I did it, etc..." Ive been to detoxes, rehabs, treatment, NA, AA, CA, all that jazz so none of this is new to me. I guess I just wanted to throw this out there and see if anyone could relate and whate the BL community had to say on my lil dilemma.

 

[Blowmonkey]

What do I do, keep on, live fast, die young of an OD or suicide. Or clean up and hate my life?

Please don't think like that. It sounds like you hate the state you're in already, don't keep on living on the same foot. Please attempt to clean up, you might hate your life for a while, maybe for a long, long while, who knows, but even if life seems terrible, it's always better than dying (and hating yourself in the process).

I have no experience with an opiate addiction though, so I can't really imagine how you feel or have suggestions on how to cope with trying to get better, I hope someone here has some good advice for you.

 

[Opioid420z]

Wow... What a story.... I"m addicted to roxi also... Not at the levels your talking, yet all in all, when you get your tolerance down which IMO goes down very rapidly if you fight for a day or 2 and use sparingly and let yourself feel sick and uncomfortable you will see just how fast your tolerance goes down. I would personally recommend in your situation, because you still wana use that you look into a methadone clinic. Your talking some pretty high levels of intravenous oxy use, and my brotha if you just took one 8 mg suboxone or a nice does of lets say 60mgs of methadone you will see that in a few days your head will get more balanced and you will see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Your brain is so lopsided from using opiates that right now your in a very depressed, hopeless, fearful, suicidal, I'll never beat this situation.... WHICH IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!!! Let your brain heal for a week or so on a good enough dose of methadone to let your brain heal. You've been using a lot and in high dosages which is ok.... and yes you can beat it. You will see just like I saw that indeed your brain does change while on opiates and will take sometime to balance out. You may need a good dose of 80mgs or up too 100mgs of methadone a day to feel normal, and just think about all that money you will save!!! WOWOWOWOW!!! You will have a great life and have sooooo much to live for right now. Your best friend has passed the torch to you my brother and don't let him down and don't let yourself down. Let your brain heal, mabye your not ment to detox right now.... With the levels your talking about I wouldn't detox off that amount... no way in hell. I would go to the clinic and stay using opiates but an opiate that will allow you to focus, think clearer and not feel so depressed and hopeless. What your feeling right now is normal, and you will never forgive yourself for this opportunity that god has presented you at this time. I'd say continue to use opiates just use the right ones that are long acting and will allow you to live out your dreams and make that $100,000 turn into much more. This is not a lil dilemma this is a major opportunity for you to use the medication that you love and live a normal successful life, your just gona have to switch up the type of opiates you take. SO WHAT DUDE!! Fuck it.... I"d take $100,000 and a dank cup of methadone a day for 6 months lets say or up to a year or more.... You will still feel great and have all the cash to live your life as you want. Don't clean up, detox, rehab, all that jazz, its sooo difficult for somebody like you who has used for a long time and at the levels you were using its just gona take more time for you. Your going down an extremelly difficult road of sobriety which imo is gona be soooo fustrating on you that you will not be able to handle it mentally. Your brain needs you to stay on opiates right now and focus your thoughts and dreams to make this work. Failure will only lead to more using, and in turn more hopeless thoughts. Stay on your favorite medicine just change it up a bit, you will see that in time you will see that light.... Spend a portion of that $100,000 on what you really wana do or see yourself doing down the road asap when you get the check. Don't allow your inner addict to allow you to spend that type of money on roxies bro. Stay on the opiates..... Switch it up and cut back the level of use.... You will like methadone and within a few months you will see that indeed you are in control.... At that point its up to you what you wana do..... Sobriety or stay on a medication that is working for you.... So what if its opiates or methadone or whatnot... You'll be on the road to a college education, new car, jet ski, whatever you want... God what a gift.... Fuck detox bro... let your brain heal......

 

[curlygurl1980]

Hello, first off sorry about your friend that is so sad. I myself have been an opiate addict for ten years. I understand what u mean when u say u want to get clean but then again u dont. I tried every way possible to get clean but was just never able to do it. That is untill i got on methadone maitenence. Methadone has been an absolute life saver to me. I know some people say its just swapping one drug for another but i dont care. To me its like if i was a diabetic i would take insulin everyday and thats how i look at my methadone. At this point i have no plans on ever coming off of it and thats totally fine with me. It blocks the urge to use for me and i feel fantastic. Suboxone also worked okay for me as well but i could not sleep while taking it. U sound like someone that could really benefit from methadone it made all the differenc for me. Best wishes to u and if u have any questions about methadone i would b happy to answer them for u.

 

[xxxanaxxx]

thanks!

WOW, thanks for the advice guys, I don't post much so usually my threads get a weak reply and then disapear into oblivion. At this point I have been in detox 7 days and have 7 left until I am discharged. I have a Dr. appt the day after I get out though!! I am starting to feel a bit physically better and have gone like 4 or 5 days without eating, last night I was able to eat some chicken and rice Everyone here is social and talking and friendly most of them don't even know I'm here because I lay in bed ALL day, maybe go outside for a cig but other than that I do not leave my room just becasue I feel so shitty I don't want to put on a smile and fake the "im good how are you?" with the staff/ patients.

There are people in here detoxing off methadone too and they all seem to think methadone is a bigger trap than oxy because it is so much harder to kick. I've tried methadone a handful of times but don't really remember the effects I got from it, I think I took like 120mg. I think half my addiciton is to the needle and the instant shot into heaven. I would be scared to bring up methadone to my doctors until I was sure I liked it and it worked for me because I don't want to say the wrong thing and lose out on my precious roxys and dilaudids.

Would yall suggest trying a new doctor and asking for methadone showing them my perscription history of roxys, xanax, dilaudid, soma, and just telling them my friend gave me some methadone and it made my life more manageable?...see how it goes for a month and if I like it go back, if not drop that doc?

I know I probably sound like a whiny lil bitch that I don't want to wait for the methadone to kick in and yada yada yada. For those of you that are on it, do you wake up sick? You dose once a day? Can you still occasionally shoot oxy or dope and get a rush/ high? How is methadone compared to and oxy high? I'm sure my tolearance has dropped considerably being in here and they say I will be 100% detoxed when I get out. Is it realistic to maintain on oxys and dilaudid IV if I'm able to stick the the perscribed dose or am I setting myself up for failure taking into account tolerance over time and other factors.

Thankyou so much for your replies I really appreciate yall taking the time out of your day to try to help me out. I really was not even considering methadone because in here they make it sound like "your still a junkie just substiuting one addiciton for another, get to the root of why you use, etc etc.." I use because I like to be high and have that escape where when everything is shitty I can sit back, fix up, and sit back on the couch with a better feeling about the world.

Its going to be real hard leaving those shots of blue oxy filled juice behind but I think it would be much easier if I was able to be on methadone where I would not have to deal with being sick when worst comes to worst and my script runs out or something.

Any additional comments appreciated...thanks so much for the advice!

 

[Opioid420z]

The addicts mind is just unbelievable really...... You would suffer for 14 days in a detox then go right back out and use the next day? Why even check into a detox to begin with? Check into a methadone clinic. If you wana use opiates for the rest of your life then by all means go for it, just all in all then accept that choice and go with it. Like the lady said who also replied, she accepts it and manages with taking her medicine and functions the best she can in this world. Methadone IMO does make you feel amazing, way better than oxy can ever really give only because of how long and balancing it feels. Oxy is an immediate high, in the beginning anyway... Methadone is a high that comes on within 15 mins or longer and stays with you for almost the whole day into the night, yet this also goes away after a few weeks on it.... Methadone would fit you man and all in all you would be able to "yes," still get high while on Methadone to some extent you will just have to use much more of your Drug of Choice which is not safe and not smart. Once you get to a dose of 80mgs - 120mgs of Methadone you really can't get that high even if you take mad roxies, even IV.

Your post was "Opiates run my life! HELP," why did you say "Help," for if all you wana do is go take fat roxy shots of the blue juice right when you get out!? Your gona be in the same position immediatly. After one dose of your Drug Of Choice your body will become just as addicted as you were when you first got into the detox, thats why I'm saying go on Methadone right away, yet you have to be the one that wants it........

 

[xxxanaxxx]

um....

Yea opiod420 i feel you 100%...i want my cake and to eat it too lol. I say help because I want to NOT WANT to do these fucking pills but I do. I spoke with some of the therapists today about MMT and they all say "your 22 and your going to be on the done for the rest of your life?...stop being weak and just get over it...others have done it you can too"

I hate that it runs my life but I hate the fact that from what they say I will never get to feel that oxy/dilaudid bliss if I turn my life to sobriety. Wouldn't it be better to get methadone from a pain management doctor rather than a clinic so I have once a month visits vs. everyday trips to get my fix?

I know no one has a magic bullet answer for me, I guess I just wanted to get my story out there, get some advice, help warn other to STAY THE FUCK OFF THE NEEDLE AND OPIATES....I NEVER thought it would happen to me...Ive spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on crack adn left that behind but these opiates seem to be a whole different ball game!

IDK what I want ..like I said...party for a rock star for a year and then go out like a rock star, or figure something out, get a degree, have a normal family with good kids and all that white picket fence jazz.

Just looking for some support, advice, and I suppose misery loves company lol
At least this detox has really lowered my tolerance becasue I can bust a nut in 3 seconds no joke and can't stop having wet dreams every night so my doses must be lowwww.

 

[Opioid420z]

Hahaha... mad funny... The thing is my dude is that you can get those feelings of a roxi shot without using anything. Take great food for example or the chance to go on a sick vacation to a destination anywhere around the world of your choice. Now thats a rush!!! Take sex, well...... sick, kinky, long lasting sex for that matter not 3 seconds lol... now thats a rush!! I hate the roxi also bro.. I really do... I"m at a really low dose now... I take a half of a 15mg a few times a day to keep me ok... and thats really low for me were talking 7.5mgs I'd say every 3-4 hours. Even this I wana stop... I"m trying hard to get my tolerance down even lower to just jump off and be done with it... I"ll get a few zanax and ambien and get threw the next week feeling shitty... I just don't want the withdrawl to be to intense and thats whats keeping me at bay with my use. I hate the dependency I feel for roxi, it really does run your life, yet I guess if you have enough of it you can control your finances and your choices, yet you will never really be ok. At 22 IMO I feel that your use for so long since your like 16 makes you right up there with the 30 and 35 year olds or higher 20's that have been using for years. Your just young and the therapists want you to quit. If you really feel that your gona come out and use again, go for methadone. I say Methadone because IMO its more effective than suboxone... I hate that vomit orange taste that makes me gag just thinking about that taste.... I can't use suboxone for that reason..... Other wise I would do a taper like I did in the past by insufflation of just specks of powder from the sub, until those little bumps get lower and lower all finished within 7 days or less. Sounds to me like your gona come out and use again so I would demand that I go to the methadone clinic. If you can get it from your doctor, I"d say "NO." Why? Because you will find out that after a dose of Methadone it does indeed feel very good and your gona wana take more to get that same roxi juice high. You have to be ready and really wana stop the see-saw effect of using roxi. I really get sick of it... I take a bump or a half of pill, wait 2 hours-3 hours and my body already wants more, I get RLS and anxiety/anger when I don't get my roxi piece, I can't sleep a full night without waking up 2-3 times throughout the night to take a small bump to go back to sleep... Its fuck'n unreal and so annoying... I was always an amazing sleeper since a baby... My mommy is the reason for that....

Also, this is what is scaring me recently... Abusing opiates at a young age or using opiates for a long time or whatever really takes its toll on your digestive and elimination system. Not being able to take a shit for 4 days after you ate 2 times a day for 4 days is soooooo bad for you. I heard that the bacteria can build up so much in you that the doctors will either have to remove your large intestine and have you shit in a bag that connected to your stomach..... FUCK!!! Or get colon cancer, and a host of other problems that can kill you. Opiates paralyze your intestines, even taking laxitives sometimes don't do shit!!! Its fuck'n pathetic. I think you took your drug use to the upmost highest level anybody can achieve and for you to wana do it again? Why..... Get into something else... You already hit the highest point you will ever get... Its like mountain climbing or some shit. After you climb mt. Everest everything else is boring... so switch it up. You don't have any dreams or hobbies? You seem like you came soooooo far, and to just go out there and start from ground zero again? Or just fuck'n sell it and keep the money and buy something!! I don't know... Get a sick car, or boat!! A boat is one of my dreams, I wish and pray that one day I will be able to afford one. Even a wave runner would be wonderful. The feeling of being free out on the water alone, mabye a joint in the water proof section of it for that special place to me is heaven. Not sniffing a fuck'n green or blue powder that really doesn't do shit for me, except help me feel "normal." Its a fuck'n bs way to live and competely unproductive. Imagine looking back 1 year from now and saying to yourself.... "I'm so fuck'n fucked up right now, so strung out and so addicted again, GOD I just wish I stayed clean or medically stable after I got outta detox a year ago." Imagine what could have happend? Or what didn't happen because you want roxi to fuck you in your ass your whole life. If you like the roxi cock then take it, bend over and this time there will be long spikes on it to fuck'n rip your ass apart. I'm gona be done with this... Just won't let myself get super addicted like I was 2 months ago anymore.. I've been using for 3 years and am sick of it and personally hate the shit... People are fake, friends turn into cash for drugs, and the brain gets sicker. The rush you get off success and being able to buy shit, explore the world, live, eat, shit, fuck, kiss, enjoy the natural feelings that god gave you, not the fake ones that a fuck'n opium poppy and a chemist in a lab does.... I will beat this... and I will finally succeed. They have a computer at the detox center eh?

 

[SomeOneInFl]

I am so sorry, its very hard to lose a person. First off you must remember your friend does not want the same to happen to you that did to him. Second its hard to want your cake and eat it too with out going overboard. Of course best it to detox and never do it again. But the other option is to surround yourself with friends (not people after the money) who either do not party, or those who do and are responsible and will keep you in check. I had a friend who had no control, once he moved in with me, we partied here and there but he got a job, started moving ahead in life and all. The other suggestion is to take a large amount of that money and put it in an account that you cannot easily get to, like a dual signature account that needs both signatures for a withdrawal and do it with someone who will help you not blow it all.
I feel for you and wish I could do more to help.
My very best regards and wishes

 

[MindOverMethadone]

I am an avid methadone/suboxone HATER, but in your case, I would recommend it. As people ^ have stated before, methadone and suboxone DO work. If your tolerance wasn't so high I would recommend a short suboxone taper but in your case, a long-term maintenance schedule seems to be in order. The clinic I went to charged 14 dollars a day for two 8mg suboxones and I got to take them home. That's $14.00 compared to what....I can't even do the math. With your habit, your 100 grand will be gone in a matter of months, if that. There comes a time in every persons life when we have to make critical, life-altering decisions. Take charge now.

You would be surprised how strong Methadone and Suboxone are. I haven't met a single person who hasn't been able to find the right dose. It all depends on whether or you're serious about quitting. I know group meetings and such sounds like a pain in the ass and something you would never do but think about it this way; you have goals and aspirations? I do too. I've tried going to College while attempting to maintain my habit...doesn't work. I dropped out my SENIOR YEAR! I had one more accounting class along with a couple other worthless finance classes (not important), but I was almost there :/

There will be days when you run out, withdrawaling, and it absolutely FUCKS everything up. You miss class, work, seclude yourself. It's pathetic isn't it?...If you know in your heart that rehab isn't something you want to do, don't plan on going to lawschool, or college for that matter. It's not going to happen. Raise a family? Forget about it. Nobody wants to marry a junkie. Unless the person you're marrying is a junkie too. In that case, forget about having any sort of stable relationship.

I'm a dreamer, I like to think positively. But your situation is a very serious one. Doesn't seem like anyone is giving you a reality check. I'm just saying this because I was like you, except now my 300+oxy habit seems like childsplay compared to yours. If you need someone to tell you how it is, I'm here. I don't want you to think of me as your enemy; simply someone who really wants what's best for you. Do yourself a favor. Do your future wife and your future clients a favor. Check yourself into a clinic. One that drug tests you often and offers counseling.

I want you to look back in a couple of years and say, wow, I was fucking up!! You can do it man. Keep us posted.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Its this way: do you wanna get clean? no you dont from what you have typed because only one person can make you get clean & thats yourself. When you get that check for $100k, your craving for opiates will be stronger than you can imagine & you will be back in the same spot shooting up.

I dont know how long that money will last you but if you continue on this journey & waste all that money, truth be told, you will get so depressed from blowing it all, you will think of suicide because you dont have anymore money to get high & also what you could have productively done with that money.

Is there any way you can take that money & put it in some kind of account or ira or something where you cant touch it until you get clean & into college because your friend would have wanted to have seen you get an education & done well in life.........dont end up like you friend, his misery & accidental death gave you a way out of the same misery he was going threw. $100k to do as you wish, but do the smart thing, I know its difficult but when you graduate with a degree, he will be so proud of you. Also, as you get older, you can use this success story to help others understand there is more to life than just a needle.