one step forward, two steps back..

[junkie_with_heart]

hi...

this is my first post...

i'm in a kinda fucked up position right now and dont really have anyone to talk to so i guess this is the right place, i might be mistaken... please some1 move it if its not right, also if you don't wanna read this post that's ok..

i've been depressed (social anxiety & depression) since i was 19 (26 now).. several shrinks some medication (mainly lexapro), obviously drugs (everything up to cocaine)..

then 2 years ago a friend of mine introduced me to clonazepam.. what a fuckin amazing feeling the first pill!!.. like i didnt know u could live without anxiety until then!

i convinced my shrink to give it to me for high anxiety situations then worked my way up until 2mg, now 2mg only makes me feel *almost* normal - i think i have already tolerance to that dose-, i still feel this "chemical" anxiety even at that dose (ie no fear of something specific but internal fear that looks for reasons to be anxious - does that make sense??)..

because my family moved, I lost all my childhood friends. I live in argentina now and I dont really have any friends, just colleagues (university).. but I don't feel like we're on the same page most of the time (language doesnt help obviously).

then there's the cocaine.. I used to do it in social situations but now it's gotten to a point where I take it to just numb the pain.. not everyday but every week at least, which along with the clonazepam addiction (let's call it what it is) *SCARES* me....

i live by myself and work from home which obviously doesnt help, i dont have the kind of relationship with my parents that i could just call them and vent...

i've had past girlfriends but I always needed them more than they needed me and kinda sabotaged the relationship.. just the last two weeks i was dating a girl and i liked her and she was into me, but today she told me that she still has feelings for her on-again-off-again boyfriend with whom she broke up just a few weeks ago... which is why i fell into the old pattern of taking coke and several pills (clonazepam) and why i committed to writing this now

even though when we started dating I was always trying to not get myself hyped up about it, but in the back of my head there's always the thought, maybe she's the one, the one constant that can help me get my life together...

anyways, right now i'm on 45mg mirtazapine (which makes me sleepy) and 2mg clonazepam (which also makes me sleepy at best).

it's so frustrating because I don't know where to go from here.. i hate the clonazepam but if i don't take it I feel like shit (literally crying in front of the pc) and don't get *anything* done.. If I take more it'll get worse eventually

I also hate that it's become so easy to me to numb every emotional setback by doing coke..
and the worst thing is that I do have lots of things going for me, I wasn't abused or have any major trauma like that in my past, it's just frustrating to think that I could be having fun and doing all the things I'd like to do, having finished school etc, but instead I wallow in depression..

sorry for this long post and thanks if you're still with me.. any reply whatsoever would be appreciated

i've had suicidal thoughts tho I could never do it, mainly because I couldn't bear doing it to my parents, thats one of the main reasons really... but I did think about checking myself in in some sort of institute, to get rid of the clonazepam, the drugs (although i'm not really *hooked* on any except clonazepam) and maybe become more centered, but then again i have obligations school & work etc

i feel generally like the typical "Damned if you do, damned if you don't!" situation, i just don't know in which direction to move

I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist and will start (once more) therapy next week, but in my experience they don't really help. the psychiatrist knows that i take xtc on occasions (really only maybe every 2 months, so that's not the source of my depression), though I didn't tell her about the cocaine since she's from my medical plan (i dont have to pay for sessions) and in my experience they are really fast on labeling one as a drug addict and stopping treatment - but then again, the coke is not the problem. I don't wake up with this urge to do some lines but when it comes to a point where I already feel like shit I use it..

thanks for your time

 

[MeddieFrac]

Hey have you ever tried Xanax? Since Klonopin seems to work so well for you, without a doubt Xanax will help you 10x more than Klonopin. IMO it's the ultimate anxiety medication, and it tends to be more euphoric than Klonopin so Xanax will help with depression also. Depression & anxiety often go hand in hand with one another, and it's usually difficult to tell which one causes the other, but in this situation it seems like your social anxiety is affecting your interpersonal relationships, thus causing you to be depressed.

You could perhaps go on a relatively high daily dose of Xanax (usually start out at 1mg 3x a day) until you build up a social network which will give you support to deal with anxiety & depression, then gradually taper off the Xanax once you have your life in order.

I have alot of experience with depression & anxiety/social anxiety since the age of 15 (I'm 23 right now,) and I would say Xanax has helped me to open up and become a more out-going person. It was really a miracle drug for me, but I messed up and became addicted to it and started doing more and more each day (eventually took ~15mg a day,) but before the Xanax got out of control it really did help my life and let me build up relationships, get my life in order, etc.

I wish the best for ya.

 

[sid3]

I don't agree, the xanax does work faster, but has a much shorter duration. The xanax wds are far worse, and tapering usually involes switching to a longer acting drug, like the one your on now. You need to find a dose that you feel stable on, then stick with that for a few weeks. Once you've been stable for a few weeks,you can slowly start reduing your dose, ten percent is often the norm,but I'd sugest five percent every two weeks to make the reduction go smoother.Soetimes it takes a little longer at a certain dose, which is no big deal, just don't spike the dose(go back up)

Sounds like break ups hit you hard, just like they do for most people. Self medicating to mask the pain is nothing new, and although it can be helpful in the short term, done for too long, it will only delay your emotional healing. Running out and hooking up with the first skirt you see isnt the answer either as rebounds usually crash and burn. I do think that getting back out there is one of the best things you can do. Our self estem can take quite a hit after a break up, meeting new people and socializing with members of the opposite sex will improve your mood as well as rebuild your self esteem. Numbing out by isolating with the coke isn't going to improve anything,which you already know. It would be better used to help with any social anxiety etc, if going out alone seems to unappealing to you. Maybe it can be used as a social anxiety med.

Don't know much about Argentina, or why you moved there. It could be looked at as a great oppurtunity to experience living in a forgein country and sampling the different culture. I'm not sue if it's one of the forgien countries where it can be advantagious for an american to meet women. It can be hard to make new good friends no matter where you are, the best advice is to leave your comfort zone as often as possible. If you really find you dislike living there, make a plan, set a certain amount of time, then move somewhere else if possible. Few people ever get the chance to travel, let alone live and work abroad.

There's usually a pattern when it comes to previous relationships. If you sense your giving off the needy vibe(you need them moe than they need you) that's a really easy thing to change especially given that you're aware of it. Sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you. The clonopin will eventually cause additional anxiety, that's just the way benzos effect most people after taking them long enough. Getting stable then clowly tepering is the best way for removing them from your life,as far as the coke, you can comeup with a plan to eventualy quit that by limiting your use,or just cold turkey it. Not sure how long/often you've been using it,I'd probably try and limit my use with a schedule and quit date in mind, if I found myself unable to stick to it, I'd go coldturkey. At least your posting and getting some help, it's a good start and will/can prevent your use from spiraling out of control. Geting over a break up can become a great excuse for getting out of control, but it can also be a learning experience that will benefit you in your next relationship. Good luck

 

[junkie_with_heart]

thanks to both of you.. i agree that clonazepam definitely was a miracle drug for me but the same pattern happens like you said meddie, you take more get hooked and suddenly it doesnt work anymore.. (tolerance). i don't think switching to xanax is the right way to go.. i think they recomend valium if one wants to taper of, but my doc told me that it would make me very tired and i'm tired all the time as is.. lol

regarding upping my dose to a lvl that feels good, i did actually think about that but i don't know if my psychiatrist would approve.. but in reality the dosage i'm on right now doesn't do anything for my anxiety so that might be something to think about! thanks

i can't take coke alone for social anxiety, i get much more anxious and fiendish in social settings. at one point in my life i was so upset with not having friends and not going out that i did some really interesting coctails that would make me completely impervious to anxiety (zolpidem which used to work wonders, now it doesnt work anymore, clonazepam and cocaine and or ecstasy to get some energy).. this had some success but it's not something i could do all the time

regarding argentina... if you have some money saved you can live really well here, even tho the country in general is going down the tubes, capital (buenos aires) still is very beautiful and a good place to live..

anyways if u ever consider travel here pm me and we'll meet some argentinean girls ... and thanks a lot for your advice!

 

[Legerity]

Are you taking clonazepam as prescribed? If you really want to reduce or eliminate it, maybe you can look at the causes of your anxiety and work on them in other ways. Therapy, exercise, good nutrition, meditation, etc., all help. But especially changing your thought patterns and learning to better catch yourself when you notice your thoughts leading you somewhere that you don't want to go. Buddhist psychology has a lot of insight into this, if it is of any interest to you.

Do you think it would be difficult to reduce your cocaine consumption? That would definitely be one thing that increases anxiety levels, and maybe by doing less coke you will need less clonazepam to deal with your anxiety.

 

[junkie_with_heart]

Are you taking clonazepam as prescribed? If you really want to reduce or eliminate it, maybe you can look at the causes of your anxiety and work on them in other ways. Therapy, exercise, good nutrition, meditation, etc., all help. But especially changing your thought patterns and learning to better catch yourself when you notice your thoughts leading you somewhere that you don't want to go. Buddhist psychology has a lot of insight into this, if it is of any interest to you.

Do you think it would be difficult to reduce your cocaine consumption? That would definitely be one thing that increases anxiety levels, and maybe by doing less coke you will need less clonazepam to deal with your anxiety.

no the coke isn't a problem, i don't really enjoy it. i think i could stop it whenever i want, the only problem is weekends. the friends i have usually do coke and if i do something with them it's nearly impossible to not take some.. but i've been trying to change my weekend plans to something more healthy, it's just when I'm alone on a friday for example and dont have any plans at all that i feel this terrible loneliness and take some and study or do stuff in my house... but i can definitely reduce the consumption,

the clonazepam i'm taking as prescribed except for some special situations when i just wanna go to bed and wait for the next day - not often though (i'll take like 4mg or something not a huge amount)

regarding thought patterns.. i try, i read a book that i would recommend 'overcoming social anxiety', i don't know the author though.. but one of the first things they teach is to be aware of negative thoughts and try to eliminate them as soon as they come up.... now i'm listening to some tony robbins tapes which i would also recommend.. but there's still this internal anxiety that isn't connected to any thought patterns, it's not that i think about something and get anxious but i'm just anxious without any reason.. sometimes i wake up at night and feel just anxious and have a hard time to go to sleep

i really think this is the benzos turning on me.. dunno this friday i'm going to see my shrink

thanks for your reply!