TDS One more sob story

[deficiT]

Ghosts are always in the corner or haunting every step

If it's not a voice in my head it's the screaming silence in my living room

No more booze no more dope again

Trying too hard + saying too much always reminding myself of myself every action I take I hate within a minute maybe 5

Nothing scratches the itch and I'm stuck again

2 suicide attempts in six years + 2 rehabs

Won't die and won't recover

2 months sobriety is all I can eek barely + even that's a stretch

My nose is falling apart but I cant return to the needle

Always in love w/ someone else + nothings ever good enough for me

Feel like I'm just waiting to die

Tripled manic state

Compulsive compulsive compulsive

Wife hates me for sleeping w/ other girls again and again

Maybe I'm cursed or maybe its my family or my dead drunk father or my dead drunk grandfather or my crackhead mom + her family that didn't want me

First world problems + filled w/ endless regret

Big fraud that I am

Broken nose but can't go back to the needle

Malnourished

Don't wanna work can hardly get through 20 hours a week

Dont wanna eat

Movies are boring
Music is boring
Cant pick up a guitar of focus on anything

Anhedonia upon me

No insurance no money no therapy

No meds + doing too many stims

Weird dissociative trips again/ convinced death was imminent last night

Trips won't fix it

My skins oversized and frail

Can't stop doing stims

Haven't slept for real in too long

Still in love w/ someone else and nothings good enough for me

Endless regret

I really wanna drink but I guess I can't

Right on cue for winter

Nothing seems genuine anymore and I haven't felt like a person in 13 years

Alcohol addiction then stimulant addiction then needle fixation then heroin addiction then stimulant addiction again and again

At least I have somewhere to stay

Could always be worse

my feelings are generally invalid and I think too much

 

[Jabberwocky]

I was just in the hospital on a 5 day hold, first time ever. It was pretty humiliating. It doesn't ever seem to end does it?

 

[deficiT]

Thats gonna be a no from me simon

 

[Jabberwocky]

No shit, there are good times though, yes.

 

[deficiT]

Few and far and in the rearview distance

I try to be positive but run out of steam every time

If i'm not depressed I'm manic + saying too much + freaking people out

Sleeps never enough no matter long

Have had a handful of good times in my life

They were cool but not worth all the other struggle

 

[Jabberwocky]

Right now with Covid, lockdowns, unemployment, and shrinking GDP all over USA and Europe, its a shitty time all over. Lets hope and pray we make it through, one day at a time. I'm hoping a vaccine gets approved by year end and we can start recovering.

 

[deficiT]

True... idk my depression predates covid so I have my doubts + no global pandemic would certainly help

I think I'll be alright if I win the lottery and never have to work again or leave my house

That's where I'm placing my bets

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I’m sorry deficiT. I wish I had the right things to say to make you feel better.
I can tell you that up until some point in my marriage to my 2nd husband, I honestly used to laugh hard at least several times a day.
Then there came a time when I no longer laughed and I started taking more antidepressants. I had always suffered from anxiety, and that became worse.
I’m fortunately now divorced and I haven’t had to see my ex since I saw him in court 6 years ago when I requested an extension to my restraining order.
But I have never laughed again like I used to. I laugh about once a month, but it’s not the kind of laughing that I used to do. Once or twice a year, a movie or a video will make me really laugh.

 

[deficiT]

Yeah I can't really laugh unless it's stupid or inappropriate or annoying to those around me

 

[deficiT]

Or of poor taste and barely coherent

 

[mokele]

Ghosts are always in the corner or haunting every step

If it's not a voice in my head it's the screaming silence in my living room

No more booze no more dope again

Trying too hard + saying too much always reminding myself of myself every action I take I hate within a minute maybe 5

Nothing scratches the itch and I'm stuck again

2 suicide attempts in six years + 2 rehabs

Won't die and won't recover

2 months sobriety is all I can eek barely + even that's a stretch

My nose is falling apart but I cant return to the needle

Always in love w/ someone else + nothings ever good enough for me

Feel like I'm just waiting to die

Tripled manic state

Compulsive compulsive compulsive

Wife hates me for sleeping w/ other girls again and again

Maybe I'm cursed or maybe its my family or my dead drunk father or my dead drunk grandfather or my crackhead mom + her family that didn't want me

First world problems + filled w/ endless regret

Big fraud that I am

Broken nose but can't go back to the needle

Malnourished

Don't wanna work can hardly get through 20 hours a week

Dont wanna eat

Movies are boring
Music is boring
Cant pick up a guitar of focus on anything

Anhedonia upon me

No insurance no money no therapy

No meds + doing too many stims

Weird dissociative trips again/ convinced death was imminent last night

Trips won't fix it

My skins oversized and frail

Can't stop doing stims

Haven't slept for real in too long

Still in love w/ someone else and nothings good enough for me

Endless regret

I really wanna drink but I guess I can't

Right on cue for winter

Nothing seems genuine anymore and I haven't felt like a person in 13 years

Alcohol addiction then stimulant addiction then needle fixation then heroin addiction then stimulant addiction again and again

At least I have somewhere to stay

Could always be worse

my feelings are generally invalid and I think too much

Or people hittin you up pm, making you feel sorry for them, worrying theyll do something stupid which they tell you about. Hoping and praying for such a Person, just to get a
HaHa like Nelson from Simpsons. After reading all shit that the guy has to put up with, just to find out you were the trashcan and all the desperate shit was just to keep you from ignoring. Yes, this Forum also attracts trolls. Psycho Trolls.

 

[deficiT]

Damn good thing I didn't spend 18 hours of my life saying a bunch of crazy shit on BL

 

[deficiT]

That woulda sucked//// I guess I'm feeling a little better now

 

[Larimar]

Yeah I always ask myself am I real depressed or does my life just suck right now? We are having some money problems and I always wonder how can you ever be happy or not anxious if you are poor ???? I have so much on my plate I just try to be mindful and enjoy the little things like a nice breeze on my face , a smile and giggle from my toddler , a good meal ..Just keep on keeping on

 

[December Flower]

Ghosts are always in the corner or haunting every step

If it's not a voice in my head it's the screaming silence in my living room

No more booze no more dope again

Trying too hard + saying too much always reminding myself of myself every action I take I hate within a minute maybe 5

Nothing scratches the itch and I'm stuck again

2 suicide attempts in six years + 2 rehabs

Won't die and won't recover

2 months sobriety is all I can eek barely + even that's a stretch

My nose is falling apart but I cant return to the needle

Always in love w/ someone else + nothings ever good enough for me

Feel like I'm just waiting to die

Tripled manic state

Compulsive compulsive compulsive

Wife hates me for sleeping w/ other girls again and again

Maybe I'm cursed or maybe its my family or my dead drunk father or my dead drunk grandfather or my crackhead mom + her family that didn't want me

First world problems + filled w/ endless regret

Big fraud that I am

Broken nose but can't go back to the needle

Malnourished

Don't wanna work can hardly get through 20 hours a week

Dont wanna eat

Movies are boring
Music is boring
Cant pick up a guitar of focus on anything

Anhedonia upon me

No insurance no money no therapy

No meds + doing too many stims

Weird dissociative trips again/ convinced death was imminent last night

Trips won't fix it

My skins oversized and frail

Can't stop doing stims

Haven't slept for real in too long

Still in love w/ someone else and nothings good enough for me

Endless regret

I really wanna drink but I guess I can't

Right on cue for winter

Nothing seems genuine anymore and I haven't felt like a person in 13 years

Alcohol addiction then stimulant addiction then needle fixation then heroin addiction then stimulant addiction again and again

At least I have somewhere to stay

Could always be worse

my feelings are generally invalid and I think too much

This is my go to response for people who got depressed after long periods of drug abuse: It might be your Lithium. If the amount of Lithium in your CNS is too low, you will experience a sort-of "empty" feeling, being very anhedonic, unfocussed, bored senseless. I've had patients pretty much depleted of Lithium, who thought they would never feel any close to normal ever again, but they did, after a few months of treatment, usually.

Also, if you can, get your TSH-level from a doc. You're likely suffering from hypothyroidism. Your thyroid is likely not producing enough hormones to control your metabolism, which can also be a BIG PLAYER in the depression game - such can be treated with Levothyroxine, Synthroid or other thyroid medicine. You'd gain a few pounds, but I think in your case that's very good.

edit: For anyone reading this: Be mindful that Lithium actually lowers your TSH level, so if you're low on both, you should consult your doc about how much of each you should take in order to return to chemical balance. As far as I know there's no interactions between Levothyroxine&Lithium or Synthroid&Lithium, but you should still ask your doctor.

The other thing ofc is your malnourishment(vitamin deficiency) & sleep deprivation. In order to get a scintilla of chemical balance in your brain, you will both need healthy food and sleep.

Another way to return to normal is ofc sports, but I can see how addicts have a problem doing them, so I would advise you to at least go for a short run, or a long walk every week.

Sorry if you've heard all this before. I'm rooting for you!

 

[deficiT]

This is my go to response for people who got depressed after long periods of drug abuse: It might be your Lithium. If the amount of Lithium in your CNS is too low, you will experience a sort-of "empty" feeling, being very anhedonic, unfocussed, bored senseless. I've had patients pretty much depleted of Lithium, who thought they would never feel any close to normal ever again, but they did, after a few months of treatment, usually.

Also, if you can, get your TSH-level from a doc. You're likely suffering from hypothyroidism. Your thyroid is likely not producing enough hormones to control your metabolism, which can also be a BIG PLAYER in the depression game - such can be treated with Levothyroxine, Synthroid or other thyroid medicine. You'd gain a few pounds, but I think in your case that's very good.

The other thing ofc is your malnourishment(vitamin deficiency) & sleep deprivation. In order to get a scintilla of chemical balance in your brain, you will both need healthy food and sleep.

Another way to return to normal is ofc sports, but I can see how addicts have a problem doing them, so I would advise you to at least go for a short run, or a long walk every week.

Sorry if you've heard all this before. I'm rooting for you!

Nah I dig it

Repetition is key

Never really even heard about the lithium thing

Wanted to hike this weekend but just ended up sitting around and wasting it

 

[December Flower]

Nah I dig it

Repetition is key

Never really even heard about the lithium thing

Wanted to hike this weekend but just ended up sitting around and wasting it

While the main action of Lithium in your CNS is protecting your neurons & neuromuscular junction, neural cell lines, etc.- it also works to stabilize your mood.

While Doctors aren't entirely sure HOW it acts to improve & stabilize your mood, it certainly does.

I have seen a lot of (ex-)addicts in my line of work, and this is usually one of the most crucial themes: a lack of Lithium in the CNS.

 

[deficiT]

I guess I very well could be low on lithium

 

[deficiT]

Haven't listened to Nevermind in forever

 

[December Flower]

Haven't listened to Nevermind in forever

It IS a great song

But yes, it's usually all about your brain chemistry. You CAN get better, and it might help you kick your drug habit by giving you a better outlook on life.

edit: If you get into Lithium treatment however, don't expect it to turn your life around in a second. It will take some time, but it's worth it.