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On a binge that doesn't seem to end.

Candy_Girl_1985

Candy_Girl_1985

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Joined
Jan 7, 2010
Messages
5
I have used cocaine via insufflation for almost a year now recreationally. But the last month I have been on this binge, about a gram and a half a day. I have had about 10 hours of sleep in the past week or so and I have lost a significant amount of weight ( I previously weighed only 112 at 5'1). I weigh 94 Lbs now.

I am getting my MA in psychology and my studies have been affected in the worst way. At first, the usage enabled me to get things done. I would pull all nighters to study and my grades were substantially increasing. I was happy and everything was wonderful.

Me being in college brought money from my parents because they feared if I had a job that it would affect my studies, so they paid for my schooling and gave me 2000 a month to cover my bills. Normally, this paid for my apt, my car, my insurance, etc. and left me with about 300.00 for spending money. I don't know about you but 300 is only enough for 3 grams of great cocaine.

So three grams usually lasted about two weeks for me. Now it only lasts two days. I sold my car to get a cheaper one and that worked for about a month, then as the addiction increased I moved in a roommate.

that is working for me so far, I try to ration my drugs to try and deal but it doesn't seem to work. I have tried to do small thin lines at a time, but this only leads to me doing a line one after the other until it's gone. And every single time it is gone, I feel like shit. Not because I did all of it, but because I didn't have anything left, which makes me furious at myself.

So I have no idea if anyone else is doing the same thing, but I am feeling bad about this.
 
I'm sorry things have gotten to this point for you. All isn't lost clearly though, as you are still in school and thats great.

I understand how mentally anguishing stopping such a binge can be, but for the sake of everything you could possibly lose its really time to weight your options for quitting.

Do you have adhd? If you could stop using cocaine and switch to an amphetamine salt to help with your studies or your cravings for coke that might help, but I'm not an MD.

DO NOT get down on yourself too hard girl, we all slip up at some point. You just need to pick yourself up and keep trying. Best of luck. :)
 
yeah. i was in school, same deal, parents gave me cash to live on. I ended up using (ketamine/mdma/opiates) every day all day, started failing classes, dropped out and now I'm stuck looking for kitchen work.

I would stop, or at least slow down now. maybe go to a counsellor. you'll be better off later.
 
I have read so many threads in this forum and feel selfish to write about my problems because I am aware that so many people on this forum have it so much worse than I do. But I do feel like I am going to be at that point soon if I do not quit.

I've tried to just kick it. Obviously this is a mental drug and usually has no physical withdrawl symptoms.

But I believe that is bullshit. As soon as I am out, my nasal cavities feel like they are on fire. My head hurts badly, my nose feels like I have unbelievable sinus pressure...

I do not have anything, not even depression. But I do believe that depression will be coming soon, and it will be too deep when it does.

My family has not noticed anything yet because I have not asked them for extra money until today. I told them I was moving into a more expensive living area and asked for an extra grand a month. They refused, telling me how spoiled I was and I had to work for extra. Of course I was furious at them, telling them they were selfish. I do believe my mom thinks something is wrong with me because I am not one to fly off the handle like that.

As soon as I did, she told me she would send the money only this month but after that I am done. that should last me a little more than a week. But I know once the money is gone, I will literally have no money to pay the bills next month. I am on the verge of being kicked out of my apartment. I know money will be given to me next month but I feel as if I need it for more. I don't know if I am making any sense. I am currently on my last line and freaking out right now. My dealer is at a club 30 miles away. It is snowing out of this world and I am prepared to take a shower, do myself up, and pay another 600 dollars to get 6 grams. Should I only get 3 grams and save the money? Because I know the more I get, the more I do. I don't know I am not making any sense, my mind is racing right now.
 
I think it'd be useful for you to get professional help - your uni will probably have counsellers and I'd actually highly recommend seeing one of them because they can work with your uni to make it as easy as possible for you to quit while also continuing your studies. They should also be able to refer you to specific drug treatments if that's what you need.

When I was struggling with meth at uni I worked with the uni counseller to get time off from classes to attend detox (they sent me all the reading and classwork etc so I could continue studying from detox without attending class), I got extensions on papers and special consideration. Basically the uni really wants to help you pass and there should be a lot of help out there to help you achieve that.

I'd also recommend trying to quit in the middle of the year rather than around exams. I made the mistake of trying to quit 2 weeks before all my work was due and the tiredness, mental fatigue etc made it impossible to study and I ended up getting back on just so I could get my work done. I'd imagine the mental confusion would happen with quitting coke as well.

The sinus pain is also something I get really badly when I'm coming down off meth - again I think coke would be similar in that it works as a decongestant and when you take it away your body overreacts and gets extremely congested, causing intense sinus pain. I've found pseudoephidrine to be really effective in reducing that pain.

I think you do need to talk to someone to address this addiction, I think it'd really help you break this cycle.
 
I would try and get some sleep before making any decisions, usually the nights are the times when I make the worst decisions. Sleep helps anxiety and you will feel better in the morning. When I was trying to quit, I would say to myself, okay I just won't use today, and then I can use tomorrow. I would get incredibly anxious being without, but if I just got into bed I would usually pass out from exhaustion. I wish you well...
 
footscrazy said:
I think it'd be useful for you to get professional help - your uni will probably have counsellers and I'd actually highly recommend seeing one of them because they can work with your uni to make it as easy as possible for you to quit while also continuing your studies. They should also be able to refer you to specific drug treatments if that's what you need.

I think you do need to talk to someone to address this addiction, I think it'd really help you break this cycle.
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Great advice +1. Thats so much money to be spending, I'm not sure where you live that prices are so astronomical, but thats not my point. What I'm trying to say is maybe its worth the pain of going cold turkey and dealing with depression for a tad. Its so much better than getting kicked out of ya crib.

And lying for drug money is always a serious sign that you may need some outside help.
 
I agree its time to get profesional help you sold your car moved in a roomate are neglecting your studies and bills. Contact a couseloor at your uni then go to detox or rehab. If you dont you will fail out of college your parents will cut off your money and you will be screwed quit while you are still somewhat ahead
 
Hello,

As others have suggested in this thread already, you're geting into trouble right now, and heading toward worse trouble if you keep at it, but you're still in a place where you can save yourself. You can :)

First and foremost, this:

I have read so many threads in this forum and feel selfish to write about my problems because I am aware that so many people on this forum have it so much worse than I do.
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has to be abandoned before you're really ready to make the changes you need. True, some people do have it worse - perhaps a lot worse. But so what? This is a complication in your life, one which warranted you at minimum to seek out help (at least here), and we ultimately only personally know the bests and the worsts of our own experiences. This is one of your lower ones, or so it has transformed into. Suspect your relativism about how "bad you have it," and focus on the fact that you have it "bad enough that you recognize that you have a problem. It's not selfish at all. What would be selfish would be actions down the road where you began to lie to others, manipulate others and do things you wouldn't normally do in order to continue the binge. But hopefully that won't have to happen.

Cocaine really is a strange one in that it eats away at your pockets nearly as bad as anything. As well, it transforms your character into something which is far from what it would be in a more neutral case. And once the glamor and the excitement of the cocaine honeymoon goes away, that alter-ego isn't one that you really remain happy about having.

True, there are the odd physical things, such as those you listed. I had them too. I think a lot of us can relate to that. But those, not to diminish, but they will slowly go away within a few days of stopping and then you'll have some time to battle your mental cravings. Which is really where the will-power and the soul-searching comes into play. Do you crave the cocaine high more than you crave a life of normal (if we can even say that) young adulthood? You have to make this decision for yourself, but we're all hoping that you choose to work through this and be able to not only finish your degree strong, but minimize the friendships you affect through your use, and any bad decisions cocaine may have served as a catalyst for you. We all make mistakes, but again I think you've still got a solid window for turning it around, or saving yourself :)

I went through it years ago. For me, it was about a 6 week binge of daily use. It had its good points at the beginning, but as it progressed, it turned into chasing a feeling, and at the same time being increasingly depressed from being around the scene of it, and feeling ashamed as my friends stood around and watched me spend so much of my money on something with such a short high and such an intimidating wait for the next one. Looking back, I wish I had never touched the stuff. I wish my friends didn't dabble in it with me. This was all in the last 6 weeks of my last year of undergrad. Memories which were supposed to be about celebrating our accomplishments and saying good-byes. But while most people were having pints at the school pup, I was in my dorm room with a select few "friends" chasing something that was forever gone.

I echo with footscrazy et al and suggest that you meet with a school counselor about your addiction. He or she will be able to give you the best advice in terms of both getting you free from the addiction/compulsion, and (hopefully) save your education path. It's largely a mental battle, true. But as long as you can find the right help, I think you will be surprised at how nice and friendly people will be to you.

As well:

footscrazy said:
I'd also recommend trying to quit in the middle of the year rather than around exams.
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This is good advice here, too. Looking at the calendar, I think you're in a good position to make this move sooner than later. If I may ask, how far along are you on your MA? I hope it's not like your last semester, where everything is insanely chaotic.

I'd try and lose contact with your friends. You said you had a friend at a club who deals? Delete his number and forget the club exists. I don't know how much your close friends know about this problem, but if any of them can be by your side to help you stay distracted, remind you that you know you want to change for the better and even give you a shoulder to cry on, then I'd rely on them right now. You'd be surprised that even though a lot of people wouldn't fundamentally understand cocaine addiction from a user's perspective, many people will surprise you by how supportive they are.

If you would like some related reading, TDS has a cocaine/crack megathread here. If nothing else, it might comfort you to read stories from other people in your situation. At best, it can give you supplementary advice to what people can offer you here.

I wish you the best. Keep us updated on how the next few days/weeks go. If there's anything more this forum can do for you, let us know. Take care and I hope things get better :)

-RL
 
I think you should take a leave of absence. Heroin and crack, or rather me being a fucking dildo on heroin and crack, caused me to fail out of law school. Looking back on it, it was a blessing, but that's not the point. Law school's hard to take a year off from, but I'd imagine a MA in psychology is something you could easily (comparatively) put on hold while you get your head on straight.

And no, don't spend the $300 or the $600. I can think of occasions that add up to thousands of dollars I could really use now where I made the wrong choice about calling the dealer. Few things beat the feeling of laying into a pile of your DoC, but it all amounts to shit once you're off the parental teat and you realize that money isn't as easy to come by as you think it is now.
 
i just did a gram in one night and i rarely do coke and feel like shit now. I can only imagine what you're going through.
 
Wow. Your story sounds like mine.

I would use cocaine here and there in amounts of one gram to "party" with and have a good time through the night. Hell, I'd split a gram among five people and have a wonderful time. Of course, I would always fiend for more and didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late.

Fast forwarding to today, I've been through rehab, IOP, and numerous coke binges. And let me say, you have a helluva tolerance. It builds quick with coke, and that's when OD's and death happen. The "more more more" mantra gets you nowhere and nowhere fast with cocaine.

I've ran through 45 grams in a month, half ounces in two days, and half gram lines every coupla' minutes. The simple fact is that if you're susceptible to cocaine and you find yourself binging as you are, it's going to be a tough situation to get yourself out of. Not impossible, but tough.

Cocaine is a drug that rewards us instantaneously with our first line. After that, we are left chasing the high and essentially only getting high on the preparation period. The cutting, the crushing, the lining out.... sure, it makes us feel like a rockstar, but more is never fucking enough with cocaine.

My advice to you is to see what you want right now: do you want to stop, or do you want to continue using?

The most successful times and time I have quit is when I am completely depleted of all emotion and dopamine. When I do a fat line and realize I actually feel better sober. That's when I know cocaine is useless, and that's when I know I can seek help knowing how stupid and shitty the drug is.

If you're like me, until we reach this point you're not going to give a fuck about stopping. You're crying out on here, you're reaching out to other druggies who would like to stop/are newly sober, but it's simply crying out. We all do it when we start to feel hopeless and you're entering a time where you either nut up and stop or continue binging.

I would highly recommend you getting clean for just a couple days while making up your mind that you want better and see the other side of life. After one to two to three days, hit rehab. A nice jump start to 30+ days of guaranteed sobriety while learning about life again would potentially do you wonders.

Cocaine is a helluva drug. It's fucking insane. It's crazy. You know this, and until you choose to throw your old fuckin' self to the grave along with your addiction you will not be able to live life. You're an addict, but addiction doesn't have to define you. When we are active in our addiction, it defines us. When we decide to beat the fuck out of it and throw it to the grave along with our old self, it simply becomes a part of us.

If you have questions, hit me up. You struck me a little too close for comfort saying what you said. I completely empathize, but ultimately you have the choice to A)continue using, or B)stop using. Easier said than done? Not if you want to stop the bullshit cycle of insanity. Cut everything dealing with cocaine out of your life.
 
fifleman said:
Wow. Your story sounds like mine.

I would use cocaine here and there in amounts of one gram to "party" with and have a good time through the night. Hell, I'd split a gram among five people and have a wonderful time. Of course, I would always fiend for more and didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late.

Fast forwarding to today, I've been through rehab, IOP, and numerous coke binges. And let me say, you have a helluva tolerance. It builds quick with coke, and that's when OD's and death happen. The "more more more" mantra gets you nowhere and nowhere fast with cocaine.

I've ran through 45 grams in a month, half ounces in two days, and half gram lines every coupla' minutes. The simple fact is that if you're susceptible to cocaine and you find yourself binging as you are, it's going to be a tough situation to get yourself out of. Not impossible, but tough.

Cocaine is a drug that rewards us instantaneously with our first line. After that, we are left chasing the high and essentially only getting high on the preparation period. The cutting, the crushing, the lining out.... sure, it makes us feel like a rockstar, but more is never fucking enough with cocaine.

My advice to you is to see what you want right now: do you want to stop, or do you want to continue using?

The most successful times and time I have quit is when I am completely depleted of all emotion and dopamine. When I do a fat line and realize I actually feel better sober. That's when I know cocaine is useless, and that's when I know I can seek help knowing how stupid and shitty the drug is.

If you're like me, until we reach this point you're not going to give a fuck about stopping. You're crying out on here, you're reaching out to other druggies who would like to stop/are newly sober, but it's simply crying out. We all do it when we start to feel hopeless and you're entering a time where you either nut up and stop or continue binging.

I would highly recommend you getting clean for just a couple days while making up your mind that you want better and see the other side of life. After one to two to three days, hit rehab. A nice jump start to 30+ days of guaranteed sobriety while learning about life again would potentially do you wonders.

Cocaine is a helluva drug. It's fucking insane. It's crazy. You know this, and until you choose to throw your old fuckin' self to the grave along with your addiction you will not be able to live life. You're an addict, but addiction doesn't have to define you. When we are active in our addiction, it defines us. When we decide to beat the fuck out of it and throw it to the grave along with our old self, it simply becomes a part of us.

If you have questions, hit me up. You struck me a little too close for comfort saying what you said. I completely empathize, but ultimately you have the choice to A)continue using, or B)stop using. Easier said than done? Not if you want to stop the bullshit cycle of insanity. Cut everything dealing with cocaine out of your life.
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i love people like u. this is sound advice!
 
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