(Nuvigil-225mg + Coffee-16oz) - It reminded me why I stopped taking drugs
I'm deleting everything I wrote last night, and rewriting the trip report with the comedown and aftereffects taken into consideration.
I just woke up the next morning and read what I had written, and, well... damn.
This is entirely not the mindset I was looking for when I originally asked my psychiatrist for something to help with fatigue resulting from depression/medication. I'm a recovering drug addict with a history of stimulant abuse, along with plenty of other various kinds of drugs. Obviously amphetamines are out of the question (and I'm ever so thankful considering the intense experience I've had on something supposedly weaker/safer!). I would have jumped at the opportunity to use this combination over a year ago, but because I literally lost my mind while using the synthetic cannabinoid smoking blends for a significant amount of time, I no longer have any desire to get high. I thoroughly enjoyed most of last night while it was happening, but the seemingly-realistic (I can never truly be sure what's really real and what's not) realization that comes the next morning following the experience sent me spiraling into a horribly bad trip (while sober) that I wouldn't even wish for my worst enemies. Keep in mind, I wasn't doing this combination to get high, or anything close. I just wanted to be relieved of fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc. I guess that's how it all starts though... Well, I got a legitimate prescription, my doctor knew of my previous problems with addiction, psychosis, and yet... you'll see.
I believe the reason for most of my fatigue is the particular antipsychotic I take, Risperdal. I was originally placed on antipsychotics due to paranoid delusions of being in Hell that were a direct result from the smoking blends (laced with only God knows what, as if synthetic THC wasn't bad enough already). Not figuratively, but literal, biblical Hell. I came to the "realization" that I had been condemned to suffer for an eternity. It wasn't as if I was hallucinating, seeing or hearing things that weren't there. That happened briefly, but did not persist. It was that in my damaged state of mind, I thought reality itself, the very fabric of time and space, and all the horrible happenings of this world, existed for me, and for me alone. (I'll add here too, that I'm still never really sure I've gotten over it; the religion I consider myself most aligned to is Buddhism, which has a basic belief that we're all suffering in samsara--Hell, at least until death, or until we reach Enlightenment, or something; I really don't know/care to know any longer). I no longer believed others were real; I thought I was literally doomed to spend the rest of my life and afterlife in Hell, alone, and that it was all a punishment for things I had done wrong in the past (not believing in God, for one).
Before I came to this frightening "realization," I had slowly begun to partake in meditation--which is essentially the practice of awareness; an awareness not of anything in particular, necessarily, but of reality itself, as it unfolds. It's simply the act of paying extra attention when you speak, work, listen to music, whatever. Over time, while using drugs, I would frequently get into arguments over religion and the "nature of reality" with whomever would listen and partake. As I began to pay more attention to what I was saying and doing, I came to realize that my ideas on religion and my ideas on the way reality functioned were totally insane, and that I basically just sat around all day getting high, coming up with horribly damaged and crazy religious ideas. This is when I came to my first true "realization"-- that realization that I had become insane. It was quickly after that I came to the "realization" I was in Hell, because insanity is something that, in my mind at the time, could only exist in a fucked-up Hell.
This easily lasted for approximately three weeks until I was stabilized and doped up on Zyprexa, and then later Risperdal, which took almost all of that away from me up until late last night/early this morning. My dose was recently lowered to combat fatigue, so I'm fairly sure this could have played a part. I'd been doing fairly well for a little over a year. Yesterday I took both my morning and evening Nuvigil together, not realizing the harm that this could do, as well as a little over two cups of strong coffee for that extra boost, which was something else I felt was innocuous for the most part because I drink caffeine on a daily basis and have somewhat of a tolerance. Of course, I didn't realize I had only been drinking particularly weak fast-food coffee prior to this. I felt wonderful for the better part of yesterday, doing things like I felt were "normal," having tons of energy, talking a lot. It wasn't until I took my second dose of this particularly strong coffee (store-bought, but brewed myself, nothing special) that I began having psychotic issues. I won't get into details, lest others take a perverse interest in reproducing the feelings, but needless to say, I've never felt a high so profound and beautiful, and I've tried a LOT of drugs. It was then that I came online and started giving "talks" to a few friends regarding religion and Enlightenment, telling people that I had reached the state of mind that Buddha once reached, and shit like that (still well under the influence of Nuvigil and caffeine at the time). Then I decided it would be a brilliant idea to come and share my ideas with the whole Bluelight community and perhaps "enlighten" someone, or point them in the right direction on the path towards that goal.
To make a very long story short, when the Nuvigil had worn off (15 hours past original dosing time), I came into the frightening and inverse portion of my psychosis which is what prompted me to quit drugs back in the first place. Extreme "realizations" of being in Hell once again, and all the anxiety and everything that goes with it. Not to mention, I had just broadcasted my extremely crazy, drug and psychosis-induced ramblings to all who have access to Google. So I had that to worry about on top of the fact that I was in Hell. Fun. So I've rewritten my trip report to, instead of focusing on the positive aspects (which was obviously written under the influence), to instead focus on the whole picture, which includes psychosis, which is something you never, ever, in your entire life, want to see even a tiny glimpse of. I feel it'll take days before I'm back to feeling "normal" (as normal as I might ever be), as I have to reevaluate constantly, at the end of every day, whether or not everything I've said to everyone, everything I've done, and everything I've written that day, is completely sane. It's entirely possible the Risperdal, and other antipsychotics just block my ability to see just how fucked up I am, or maybe they do truly help. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to tell.
Moral of the story: tl;dr
Honestly, I'm saying this in your best interest when I urge you never to abuse or use any shady research chemicals or psychedelics, hallucinogens, synthetic marijuana/smoking blends, amphetamines, meth, whatever. If you only knew what was lurking around the corner for you in months or years of abusing these substances (I truly consider use of any research chemicals or synthetic marijuana products to be abuse, for obvious reasons), you'd give it up as easily as you'd pass up the opportunity to spend a moment in Hell.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. For those who are still interested in trying Nuvigil and coffee or Nuvigil alone for some sort of high, I doubt you'll feel much (recreational, at least) from it, unless you have a prior sensitization to psychosis or mania (f you do, it's especially important you get the fuck off drugs entirely and give you mind time to heal).
Good luck, I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do, regardless of drug choices, life choices, whatever. Just try and be safe. You owe it to yourself.
I'm deleting everything I wrote last night, and rewriting the trip report with the comedown and aftereffects taken into consideration.
I just woke up the next morning and read what I had written, and, well... damn.
This is entirely not the mindset I was looking for when I originally asked my psychiatrist for something to help with fatigue resulting from depression/medication. I'm a recovering drug addict with a history of stimulant abuse, along with plenty of other various kinds of drugs. Obviously amphetamines are out of the question (and I'm ever so thankful considering the intense experience I've had on something supposedly weaker/safer!). I would have jumped at the opportunity to use this combination over a year ago, but because I literally lost my mind while using the synthetic cannabinoid smoking blends for a significant amount of time, I no longer have any desire to get high. I thoroughly enjoyed most of last night while it was happening, but the seemingly-realistic (I can never truly be sure what's really real and what's not) realization that comes the next morning following the experience sent me spiraling into a horribly bad trip (while sober) that I wouldn't even wish for my worst enemies. Keep in mind, I wasn't doing this combination to get high, or anything close. I just wanted to be relieved of fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc. I guess that's how it all starts though... Well, I got a legitimate prescription, my doctor knew of my previous problems with addiction, psychosis, and yet... you'll see.
I believe the reason for most of my fatigue is the particular antipsychotic I take, Risperdal. I was originally placed on antipsychotics due to paranoid delusions of being in Hell that were a direct result from the smoking blends (laced with only God knows what, as if synthetic THC wasn't bad enough already). Not figuratively, but literal, biblical Hell. I came to the "realization" that I had been condemned to suffer for an eternity. It wasn't as if I was hallucinating, seeing or hearing things that weren't there. That happened briefly, but did not persist. It was that in my damaged state of mind, I thought reality itself, the very fabric of time and space, and all the horrible happenings of this world, existed for me, and for me alone. (I'll add here too, that I'm still never really sure I've gotten over it; the religion I consider myself most aligned to is Buddhism, which has a basic belief that we're all suffering in samsara--Hell, at least until death, or until we reach Enlightenment, or something; I really don't know/care to know any longer). I no longer believed others were real; I thought I was literally doomed to spend the rest of my life and afterlife in Hell, alone, and that it was all a punishment for things I had done wrong in the past (not believing in God, for one).
Before I came to this frightening "realization," I had slowly begun to partake in meditation--which is essentially the practice of awareness; an awareness not of anything in particular, necessarily, but of reality itself, as it unfolds. It's simply the act of paying extra attention when you speak, work, listen to music, whatever. Over time, while using drugs, I would frequently get into arguments over religion and the "nature of reality" with whomever would listen and partake. As I began to pay more attention to what I was saying and doing, I came to realize that my ideas on religion and my ideas on the way reality functioned were totally insane, and that I basically just sat around all day getting high, coming up with horribly damaged and crazy religious ideas. This is when I came to my first true "realization"-- that realization that I had become insane. It was quickly after that I came to the "realization" I was in Hell, because insanity is something that, in my mind at the time, could only exist in a fucked-up Hell.
This easily lasted for approximately three weeks until I was stabilized and doped up on Zyprexa, and then later Risperdal, which took almost all of that away from me up until late last night/early this morning. My dose was recently lowered to combat fatigue, so I'm fairly sure this could have played a part. I'd been doing fairly well for a little over a year. Yesterday I took both my morning and evening Nuvigil together, not realizing the harm that this could do, as well as a little over two cups of strong coffee for that extra boost, which was something else I felt was innocuous for the most part because I drink caffeine on a daily basis and have somewhat of a tolerance. Of course, I didn't realize I had only been drinking particularly weak fast-food coffee prior to this. I felt wonderful for the better part of yesterday, doing things like I felt were "normal," having tons of energy, talking a lot. It wasn't until I took my second dose of this particularly strong coffee (store-bought, but brewed myself, nothing special) that I began having psychotic issues. I won't get into details, lest others take a perverse interest in reproducing the feelings, but needless to say, I've never felt a high so profound and beautiful, and I've tried a LOT of drugs. It was then that I came online and started giving "talks" to a few friends regarding religion and Enlightenment, telling people that I had reached the state of mind that Buddha once reached, and shit like that (still well under the influence of Nuvigil and caffeine at the time). Then I decided it would be a brilliant idea to come and share my ideas with the whole Bluelight community and perhaps "enlighten" someone, or point them in the right direction on the path towards that goal.
To make a very long story short, when the Nuvigil had worn off (15 hours past original dosing time), I came into the frightening and inverse portion of my psychosis which is what prompted me to quit drugs back in the first place. Extreme "realizations" of being in Hell once again, and all the anxiety and everything that goes with it. Not to mention, I had just broadcasted my extremely crazy, drug and psychosis-induced ramblings to all who have access to Google. So I had that to worry about on top of the fact that I was in Hell. Fun. So I've rewritten my trip report to, instead of focusing on the positive aspects (which was obviously written under the influence), to instead focus on the whole picture, which includes psychosis, which is something you never, ever, in your entire life, want to see even a tiny glimpse of. I feel it'll take days before I'm back to feeling "normal" (as normal as I might ever be), as I have to reevaluate constantly, at the end of every day, whether or not everything I've said to everyone, everything I've done, and everything I've written that day, is completely sane. It's entirely possible the Risperdal, and other antipsychotics just block my ability to see just how fucked up I am, or maybe they do truly help. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to tell.
Moral of the story: tl;dr
Honestly, I'm saying this in your best interest when I urge you never to abuse or use any shady research chemicals or psychedelics, hallucinogens, synthetic marijuana/smoking blends, amphetamines, meth, whatever. If you only knew what was lurking around the corner for you in months or years of abusing these substances (I truly consider use of any research chemicals or synthetic marijuana products to be abuse, for obvious reasons), you'd give it up as easily as you'd pass up the opportunity to spend a moment in Hell.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. For those who are still interested in trying Nuvigil and coffee or Nuvigil alone for some sort of high, I doubt you'll feel much (recreational, at least) from it, unless you have a prior sensitization to psychosis or mania (f you do, it's especially important you get the fuck off drugs entirely and give you mind time to heal).
Good luck, I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do, regardless of drug choices, life choices, whatever. Just try and be safe. You owe it to yourself.
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