Nowhere else to turn

Dcole461

Bluelighter
Joined
May 26, 2016
Messages
83
Location
I've often thought what if I'm in a mental institu
Ive pretty much run out of the desire to live. I'm writing this as I'm supposed to be working.

Long story short as Ive tried everything else and dont expect this to help either, I moved here for a guy, did everything for him. I wasnt perfect, I cheated, but I still supported him financially and made it possible for him to finish school. I lived with constant threats of divorce (even before I cheated but I was blinded by love).

This whole experience drained everything I had in me. Despite my flaws, I know I gave everything and I have the literal scars to prove it. And he just walked away. He has a boyfriend now and wont even help me pay for the divorce.

I want to go back home but I dont have the financial resources. Im also bipolar and wouldnt have health insurance back home. Im quase addicted to meth... as in I only ever have the desire to do it here, never when Im home.

Anyway, I guess that wasnt really short, and if you actually read it all, actually respond, or actually have some words to get me to keep going, Id actually want to.

I am living now for the sole purpose of not hurting my parents... but that just means, in reality, I died a long time ago.

Help? Please...
 
Hey, we're here.<3

And by the way, we read many posts much longer than that.
___

We would love to talk with you.

It sounds to me like all you've got to do is get life in order. Perhaps the first step is securing yourself mentally and financially.

But that's where bluelighters with far more life experience come in. Not me.

However, I would like to mention that you seeing your flaws means you aren't blind to yourself.

If you aren't blind to yourself, you can see other people much better.
____

As a matter of fact, you living for not hurting your patents is quite noble. But don't let it be/become a disservice to yourself, friend.

A reason to keep going?

Easy. Right now you're just awash in wisdom and disappointment, a situation emotionally hard. Not to mention you sustain the crutch of Bi Polar disorder (medicated?).

If anything, keep going for yourself, for your parents, and for anyone who didn't make it out of the same situation.

The reward of wisdom will be much greater than you expect.
____

All of us are here. Talk anytime.

None of us can garuntee immediate responses because that's just how forums work, but do expect a response.

Come on! You seem like a bright person! We're here for you!

<3
 
Thank you so much for the reply! I wasn't wrong either, I read it and I was able to finish my work day :-)

I'm not even like I was this morning all the time, which makes this so much harder. I have friends that care and my parents really care, but I hate to worry them and even more I hate to burden them. This just leads to me internalizing everything I feel which is almost harder to deal with.

I feel bad even complaining. In all honesty my life isn't bad. My situation isn't even that uncommon. One of my best friends thinks tough love will help. I realize I'm not a Syrian refugee or a starving child in Africa. Unfortunately the simple logic that someone has it worse doesn't affect chemical imbalances.

I have tried the medicine route. 7 years of various combinations of about 14 different medications. I gained and lost 60 pounds, slept 16 hours a day, had God delusions and everything. Just a funny story, I started a new medication once and I took it right before a therapy appointment. During the session I fell asleep and the tdoc couldn't wake me up. I woke up 4 hours later in the ER. I want to manage my bipolar without the use of any drugs, prescription or otherwise.

When it comes down to it, the only thing I need is for someone to be able to give me a reason to keep going when I don't want to. I have a VERY solid plan for the future. In a few months, I could have a huge promotion, be debt free, and be 2 years from going back to school for what I really want to do. So I really do feel bad complaining because I know not everyone has a viable 2 year plan to "happiness."

When I'm feeling like I have no future and I've ruined my life, despite that being so untrue, how do I cope and find a reason to keep going without the "help" of drugs?
 
Well im not really an authority on living the good life but i do have some redeeming qualities. I love dancing. I dance infront of the mirror or anywhere i can0. The exercise really helps and doing something i love really helps. Its the number 1 activity that helps me when im in withdrawls or getting better. So find something u love. And if u have something, do it more.

I have a good attitude. I love life andnsure its been rough as hell and i got ptsd to beat the band, but i wont allow that to let me be a hater. Having myself as a friend is crucial. Its going to save my confused ass in the end.
 
I actually do know some things I love. I love to study and to learn. Last night, I spent hours studying (I'm a nerd when I'm not doing drugs lol). I do love other stuff too but I find it so hard to do the stuff I used to love because it reminds me a lot of my past. Before my marriage and during.

Music, for example, has always been big in my life. I was originally studying instrument performance (can't say which instrument because I feel like that plus my story = my identity haha). But this morning I was listening to "Hold On." If you don't know that song I strongly recommend it! The lyrics are so perfect for me.

"No one can change your life except for you", "Don't you know, things can change, things'll go your way, if you hold on for one more day."

What keeps me going (at least when I'm not depressed and suicidal) is the fact that one day things can and will be better, I know it.

I told my mom once (she doesn't 100% agree with my plan but she'll support me no matter what), "it's only too late when I'm dead, until then I can stay focused on my goal"

I know I can be fine with most aspects of my life going forward. Other than sharing the above which hopefully helps someone, I did cry myself to sleep last night. The place I'm in just reminds me so much of my ex husband. I was crying though because I think of all that I did for him and I can't imagine ever doing that for someone again. I have had relationships since we separated, and I felt "love" in one of them, but in my mind, I know that I could never be as I was for my ex for someone else. Logically it doesn't make sense that all I did for him could still result in anyone doing what he did to me.

I don't want to bring up painful memories for anyone, and I know I'm young and there are people who have been divorced 3+ times (no judgement), but has anyone come out of this type of situation on the other side (Adele anyone? lol) and been able to fully commit to another person? Obviously the answer is yes, but what made you able to do it? What were you thinking when you decided/felt that you could do it again?

Thanks in advance for the response!
 
and for anyone who didn't make it out of the same situation.

I just wanted to say I think this is really powerful. I mentioned it before but I know my situation is realistically not bad and I'm sure everyone here knows suicide happens when "pain > coping resources". I have to admit, I never thought of what you said though. Maybe one day that equation will be true for me, but I am fighting to make sure that never happens. BL = +1 coping resource
 
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Were the constant threats of divorce thrown on you before or after you cheated (just read again, and realized, that you already answered that 8() ? If the former is true, then this guy had serious issues and was mentally not stable enough to be in a relationship. I can relate to that first hand, because I was the ever doubting male part in such a relationship (no marriage though, because that will never happen :D) once, because I was really vulnerable physically at this time and actually wanted to be alone rather than in an unbalanced relationship. But the girl did not understand (helper's syndrome + she projected something into me, that was not really there).

Long story short. It could never work out. The lesson I learned is, that I take my inner doubts seriously next time and cancel (just flee and never contact the person again) the relationship, when I realize, that something is missing, instead of involuntarily pulling the partner down with me because our values and views we are not "compatible" with each other.

Anyway : You should consider your instrument as your partner. Music connects every person instead of just isolating two and creating a partnership of convenience if you consider it through pessimistic eyes (purposes of that partnership are regular sex, reproducing, financial support).
 
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(no marriage though, because that will never happen :D)

Ok so emoticon = joking? haha

I have to say, I don't want to view it as giving up, but I feel like that part of me is done for this lifetime. My current therapist (actually my favorite of all that I've had) said when I first came to him, it was like I cut my hand and I was trying to stop the bleeding... my marriage was ending so I didn't want to even think about another relationship.

Fast forward more than a year and having had a relationship where I really did love the guy I just didn't want it. It wasn't for fear of commitment. Actually he was attractive, very well off and studying for a great career. But I am NOT about to take advantage of anyone which is what I would be doing if I continued the relationship. Not in a goldigger sort of way but because I didn't really want to build a life together.

Do you think I'm giving up? I just don't think it's for me anymore. I do regret cheating on him (not because of how it affected him but because of how I project that on myself) but at the same time, I might still be constantly threatened with divorce because I wouldn't have ended the relationship. I just wish I didn't think about what he did to me towards the end of the relationship, after it ended, and what he's still doing everyday. That's what hurts the most. Just the thoughts of the past, but that's why I have my drugs I suppose, to forget :(
 
Well im not really an authority on living the good life but i do have some redeeming qualities. I love dancing. I dance infront of the mirror or anywhere i can0. The exercise really helps and doing something i love really helps. Its the number 1 activity that helps me when im in withdrawls or getting better. So find something u love. And if u have something, do it more.

I have a good attitude. I love life andnsure its been rough as hell and i got ptsd to beat the band, but i wont allow that to let me be a hater. Having myself as a friend is crucial. Its going to save my confused ass in the end.

Looks to me like you have one of the most redeeming qualities, empathy. Life is just hard my friend. I suffer in many of the ways you do and IMO sharing your fears and worries is not complaining. It's an honest telling of your story in this moment. LIfe is hard. I'll say it again. Sometimes we don't want to go on. That's just what some of us feel. It's just so painful at times it pushes us to our limits. I try to remind myself of how little it all means ultimately. I'm just a passing spark in eternity. I think what's important as you mentioned is self love and respect. To really do that IMO we must accept ourselves as we are with all our fears and flaws. That's a tall order due mostly IMO to how we are raised up as children. Look you never asked to be born as far as we know. Therefore pardon yourself for all of this. No one really teaches us how to live and love it seems. They just teach work skills and our duties. I think you should be proud of the fact that you seem to have come through this so far as a compassionate and empathic person. That's a lot. But even with all this life is still hard at times. Best of luck.
 
I'm trying my best to stay positive today but it's hard. I do have a fear of failure. I have my plan for the future but the present is still filled with debt and struggles so I do odd jobs.

These next two weeks I got a small job cleaning (on my days off, working 7 days a week for now). I was sweeping out front and suddenly I imagine myself at 60, doing the same job, not having accomplished my hopes and dreams. This of course leads to anxiety and eventually depression which then makes me not even want to try.

Does anyone else experience anything similar? What helps you get through it?
 
Who doesn't at some time experience these things? Nothing helps me to get through it. I live with it. Well not nothing actually. Not taking anything about life seriously helps whenever I can manage it. I'm going to be dead and none if it well be important. That's the good part.
 
Not taking anything about life seriously helps

I wish my "don't care anymore" side wasn't so self destructive. I do sometimes lose all emotions (just want to be clear that that preceded my drug use, just because I know meth can seriously alter one's emotions). When I can't feel anything, I guess it's like I don't care, but I don't even care about not caring if that makes sense. I actually love when it happens because I'm so much more productive... it's like I turn into a Vulcan (also to be clear I am NOT a Trekkie lol though I do like TNG).
 
I'm sorry your feeling alone, I know the overwhelming feeling when it comes to me, it's like something in yourself saying what's the point. Remember when we were kids and things were so devestating but we got past it and learned from all that pain and disappointment, and came out better for it on the other side? I've been saying similar things, like if I didn't have a son I'd probably end it, I said it out loud and a family member had me arrested and taken to be evaluated, of course I talked my way out of being there and was released the next day with ANOTHER RX that probably will work for a bit then quit, you know the drill. It's hard having Bi-Polar disorder but it's much easier when you commit yourself to seeing the Drs. Getting the right Med. cocktail so you feel like you so you make good decisions instead of emotional reactions. It sounds to me like if I went through what you just went through I would be depressed and mad at the world, your in a type of mourning process right now. I hate it when people would suggest I'm only depressed because I won't leave my house or bedroom watching tv, I can't seem to drag my self, but there is a few people that care about me that have drug me out and I had a lot of fun. So... Just a suggestion, get a hobby, something you KNOW you would like, excersize, running, painting and share your passion with others, you could help others that feel like you, me and many others, help get the word out, we need peace, guidance , friendship and no freakn judgements!!! I'm going to pray for you, I'm not a bible thumper but I've turned to God in my weakest of moments and felt cleansed after a good cry :) my name is Nikki and you not alone ok. I will check on the forum Dailey to make sure and to see if your feeling better and if you took steps to demand from the Drs. To do their job and do it right with respect!! You deserved better anyways sweetie, he was a liar and a cheat, NOT your fault. Get a big smile on ( even if your forcing it ) and say Here I F****** come world, I'm ready To Live again. Nikki ( or my name on here is nicwinn ) Meds. Hobby. Self help time. Sorry so long I'm just worried for you. Also tell your friends and family how you feel about them and the way you feel your being treated, in a nice calm demeanor, family is blood, don't lose them ok. Oh and stay away from the hot bad boy losers while your rebounding because it just causes more problems. Ok goodnight &#55357;&#56904;&#55357;&#56905;&#55357;&#56906;&#55357;&#56469;
 
Nice to meet you Nikki! I'm David (not really lol but let's pretend).

I said it out loud and a family member had me arrested and taken to be evaluated

Family (usually) means well, they're just not always capable of making the best decisions for us. At least this is what I tell myself.

ANOTHER RX that probably will work for a bit then quit, you know the drill.

Exactly, I've never been on any prescription that stopped me from having episodes for more than a few months. And eventually you're taking 6 a day and you're not sure if they're all actually necessary.

Getting the right Med. cocktail so you feel like you so you make good decisions instead of emotional reactions.

This is me exactly. I make horrible decisions when I'm manic (usually involving spending my money or unsafe sex, luckily I'm still std free). Likewise when I'm depressed/mixed, I get extremely irritable and I take it out on people I love or I do very harmful things to myself.

you could help others that feel like you

I've spent so much time on this website since I originally posted this thread. Thinking about other's problems gives me a break from my own. Plus I love going through old posts and finding things that apply to my situation and that help me feel better.

if you took steps to demand from the Drs. To do their job and do it right with respect!!

So last week I actually went for an assessment (I havent been in a long time and the pdoc I was seeing isn't there anymore). I told him I manage my depression with meth but that I was ready to commit to regular medications again and would stop immediately. His response was that I should seek treatment first for my meth addiction and make an appointment in a few weeks to start medication. I almost never get visibly mad at people, but this is one time I failed. It's like he didn't hear anything. I told him I was having very intense suicidal thoughts (though not at that time), like I was visualizing exactly how I would do it. Even with this, no help was given.

I can't even go back because the next time I would see him would be during "group medicine management" which is 8 patients and the doctor. I don't like this arrangement anyway but since I haven't started any medications, we'll HAVE to talk about meth use and I'm NOT doing that in front of 7 other strangers. I'm not ashamed, but I know what people are thinking when you mention that you use meth.

You deserved better anyways sweetie, he was a liar and a cheat

Absolutely!!


I'm going to pray for you

I appreciate it. I'll admit I'm not religious (although I was raised as such). Music has a very spiritual effect on me. I'm not really an atheist, I'm just searching for answers like everyone else :)

Sorry so long I'm just worried for you.

I'm not really one who self harms for attention but I have to admit it's nice to know that someone is. I don't want my friends and family to see me as constantly needing to talk about my problems or always depressed, but if I go months without bringing up something, and then I bring it up because I need to talk about it, they'll say "I thought you already moved on from that... don't worry about it anymore." And then we change the subject without having addressed it.

Anyway I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'll definitely be looking out for your posts as well :D

Goodnight (though I'm not sleeping anytime soon lol)
 
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