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Not sure how to take this.

K

-Kitten

Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2011
Messages
283
Location
France
My fiance and I have many issues sexually.
We fixed a few. I my self have one issue its only been with him but he accepts it. He him self has a wide range of issues. Can't stay hard, can not orgasm or cum or anything.
Sex has never been easy with him.

One day like in April or May I started giving him a hand job. I was talking and trying to create some sort of fantasy. I got him to imagine me and another girl ( no one specific just another woman ) with him and sayign what we would do to him. This set him off very fast and he got super hard. We had sex and he came ( which with every girl has never happened but 3 times ) After that one time he could cum with me not every time but 85-95 percent of times we have sex.

He has this obbsesion with three sums all his porno and etc is about that and if he talks sex it's only gonna be that. During sex since the moment I mentioned two girls. Now every time he will talk about me and another girl probably 98 percent of the time of any time of sex he will mention this. There was never a specific girl though. It kinda turned me on so I didn't care.

He moved from that to talking about my sister who is my twin and who he dated before me. It kinda put me like in the " what the fuck " mode but then my friend said " every guys dream is twins and its not cheating its a fantasy not real " so i let it go.
Not long ago I was on the phone talking with a friend of mine we were making like a million sex jokes and talking sex and D ( fiance ) heard after i got off the phone he had sex with me two or three times but always talking about her being with me. This made me super mad its my closest and best friend plus she is really young compared to him and i was just like fuck. After that he would always talk about her or my sister being with me and wanting me to scream out their names when i would moan or what not...i never did though.

Today i reallly got mad.

D is a close friend of my family for ages now I known him since I was 11. He knew my mum everyone in his family knows my mum. Shes.... well she was very attractive in her 20s-30s and she would show a lot of photos off and etc of her almost nude with her fucking perfect dream body. D rememebers the photos and began talking about them and he got hard this made me mad and then he had sex with me i kinda just layed there to be honest waiting for it to end and kinda in shock that he would fuck me with me not doing anything... it was obvious i did not want. He went to his fantasy land like he does every bloody fucking time and talked about her and only her and fucking her then he told me to scream her name. And i didnt after he had a intense as fuuck orgasm he looked at me and said " you do know you're more attractive than her "

I wannteed to die.
EVERY time we fuck. I realize it isnt about me. It's about having another girl like my fucking sister or my fucking bff or i guess now mum. It hurts a lot. I don't know maybe I'm that ugly i must be really unattractive for a man to do that.

Before D i had A LOT of....men and a few woman in my life I've done probably everything in the book but every guy i was with even the ones that i wasnt in a real relationship with, they would be with me during sex. Not their fantasy world with other people.

Is this even normal. I've grown to hate my self and body due to all our and his issues but after this... its a bit much.
 
How are the other parts of your relationship? Unless he is your dream man in all other respects (and maybe even if he is), I would get out now. As Dan Savage, a great sex columnist, would say, DTMFA! Which stands for Dump The Mother Fucker Already! (or fantasy Mother Fucker in his case) You're not married yet, and even though there is a ton of inertia in your relationship, it's not too late to call it off and move on. This is most likely always going to be an issue.
 
I know :/
I've posted int he past about other sexual issues and people already said to get the fuck out. I don't give up on love. I gave up everything for him i dont even talk to my mum or my family for him if i lose him and give up fighting for and to him i'll have no one and nothing left it would be like everything i did for him was for nothing.
 
Do not. I repeat. Do not let his sexual issues make you feel insignificant. A lot of men that have issues getting or staying hard have to really get inside their own heads and psyche themselves into it. I'm assuming he is probably mentioning those women bc they are the closest examples.If you had five sisters he would probably do that with all of them bc he is trying to envision actual women's faces to get "in the zone". I think the fact that your first really successful sexual experience with him was when you did your little fantasy threesome, he now knows that worked for him to get off so he has latched on to that. He obviously. hasn't had success with sec so when he did it was like finding the right tool for a job. Do not take it personally. If it bothers you, and rightfully so, talk to him about it. Set your boundaries on who is off limits. Maybe use a character from a porn or someone you guys make up together from pictures from a magazine. Men need guidance and limits.
 
You should start talking about another guy, and moan their name when you have sex. As soon as he goes soft (which I assume he will) you should throw him a towel and tell him it isn't working and you would like to remain friends. He sounds like a great potential best friend.
 
it's OK - in a couple of months she can start talking about me hahaha...

Kitten - serieusement?!

GRTMA sounds like the plan. You're getting more and more miserable, and cherie you should KNOW you are fucking hot as hell, you really are very cute...you shouldn't need others to tell you that - BUT it's OK it's temporary state of being -

He is disrespectful as hell to you sexually - if I was you I would have kicked him in the nuts many times in one session if he did the things you just told us - keep your chin high!

Step back now, before you cannot salvage a friendship - which would be a shame, as you said, you've known him a long time...family friend etc, but he's disrespecting the shit outta you - chauvanistic animal is all he is with you right now, which I'm sure turns you on a bit deep down but think about the shame you're experiencing - it's much greater than any positive feelings you hold towards him!

You remember what I told you the other day? That message that made you think things over - well it looks like it didn't work, because here you are still pondering instead of bouncing - if you think it's gonna be hard to get away it will be, but it's not impossible, you just need to ask people in authoritative positions for advice, and help getting your own place, or nearer your family with friends, or ANYTHING but with D.

Fuck...

You asked for it, even though you forgot question marks - it's not normal, il est un fice de pute for how he's treating you.
 
samsonite - i kinda thought that and i told him that if this fixs him its okay but he cant get the habit other wise its going to be like this with every girl and i said if he ever left me and had someone else and she was less "open" and had less " tolerence " for something like that then he will lose her. He tried this whole thing with one of his long time girlfriends before and bitch went crazy she was so mad a jealous. And he stopped. I deal with it because i care for his pleasure but now its starting to hurt. he is using my body but thinking its another girls body and like this at first shcoked me... he always said ( and i wont lie from the photos i saw its true ) that i was his most attractive girl he had and he is sooo proud to have me. Yet me alone cant make him cum or stay up...

Anyhow he knows it hurts me i told him and he says the same shit every time " I'm thinking of you when i cum i just say that thinking it will turn you on " when i say how i feel he will fuck me without doing it and it 95 percent chance its not gonna work out so he resorts back to his old ways...

Busty - I did that he didnt tocuh, kiss, have sex or fuck me for a week ( maybe even more idfk )
 
And James- You're 100 percent right you kinda always are but idk... maybe im young and naive or just a stupid bitch i think i just dont know how to let go. you know he is a great guy just for certain things he isnt so grea he doesnt know how to take care of a girl, instead of leaving him i was hoping to teach him to go down the right road. its failing i suppose.
 
Babe, it's not going to happen. Face facts, or die trying...coz it's not gonna happen any other way than you going anorexic or addicted to drugs/comfort eating/cutting yourself etc.

ARRETE S'IL TE PLAIT.

You say you tried that already - he didnt fuck you for about a week, lass I know you need sex but shit sex is not sex, it's still not giving you what you need - satisfaction not guaranteed, for either of you.
 
-Kitten said:
if i lose him and give up fighting for and to him i'll have no one and nothing left it would be like everything i did for him was for nothing.
Click to expand...

You can surmount the first one, and I think the second statement is just wrong thinking. The fear of being all alone if you abandon your long-term relationship that's not working is something everyone has to face, especially people who don't have a strong network of close friends to support them. But the thing is, you're not alone in fearing being all alone. Many people have walked this path before you, and if you take the leap out of a destructive relationship to being by yourself, you will find what so many others have found: you will be free, much happier, and the world will be your oyster. Around any corner could be someone who is so much better for you, and who will make you much happier than before.

But I wouldn't be in a hurry to find that person. Take some time off from relationships and just work on yourself. Join groups you are interested in, further your education, work out, travel - whatever floats your boat. When you are ready to date again, you will know it. And there will be a "one day at a time" period of dealing with painful loneliness at first. But this is the path to a happier life if your honest assessment is that your fiancee is not going to truly make you happy.

Your second statement, that everything you did for this relationship will be thrown out the window if you leave, will lead you to make a bad decision. There is an axiom in the business world, "Ignore sunk costs." That means when you are making a decision, ignore what you have invested in the past. Look at the current situation and the future, and that is all. That is the only way you can make the right decision. It's the same thing in relationships. The past is gone, and there's no sense walking around filled with regrets. It's easy to dwell on the past, especially when you're in a bad place. But that will not lead you to a happy life, ultimately. It will keep you stuck in the past like quicksand.

I think you should make an honest assessment, and if he is not the one for you, take the leap into being single. Don't get into another relationship right away, because it could too easily be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Just work on getting your own two feet onto solid ground. It will be worth it. <3
 
It's your body honey and he needs to respect it just as much as you need to retain self respect. This is obviously unhealthy and damaging to your own sexual experience. You need to be straight with him. Not, "This hurts my feelings and makes me feel less attractive". More like, "I'm fine with you having fantasies involving other women, but do not bring up my family or friends again, or you can keep your dick in your pants". There are plenty of women that are unobtainable, therefore less threatening, to fantasize about having threesomes with. If he does it again, push him off of you. You aren't a sex toy. We all want to please the people we love but you cannot be some kind of sexual sacrificial lamb.
 
There is nothing wrong with the fantasy roleplay IF IT TURNS YOU ON TOO - but it obviously doesn't, he obviously has serious issues, and he doesn't appear to respect you or treat you as you should be treated. I would dump him yesterday.....

Good luck....
 
Now, assuming a crossdresser can be classified as a fag hag, I think you've got what it takes to be Miss Fag Hag 2012. I'm sorry Kitten, it's just the way things have panned out...
 
Do you ever have an urge to fuck another guy? Would this make your fiance's dick hard? If you are interested, PM Creepy Stalker Guy. I'd love to have a fling with you while your fiance masterbates to it. He doesn't appreciate the greatness that is you.
 
I've had a partner before who could seldom orgasm.
Having been through that, I feel that they get off, in a way, by nor orgasming. It's like a power trip in a way.
I think perhaps your partner has this issue and hence why he can orgasm but just not for you. That's an even bigger power trip.

After huge amounts of effort I failed to help that girl change. I suspect their whole psyche is founded on this retentiveness, and prognosis is very poor.

However, pinch of salt, the above includes some unfair generalising and possibly a few sour grapes too.

I guess I'm trying to say his behaviour is possibly abusive in a way; and systemic. And he may actually prefer it to be that way.. Does he ever play the victom in other aspects of his life?
 
^^^^ some excellent points to consider

Kitten, I don't think you should marry this guy. You just can't sustain a marriage with a (rather) lousy, imbalanced sex life. Thankfully my engagement petered out before it got to marriage stage, 'cause there were a quagmire of issues, not the least of which was his complete and utter selfishness in bed. I could live with the erection business, but not the selfishness. No way.

Sexual incompatibility is just an obvious red flag that we women tend to overlook, in favour of adding greater weight to other aspects of compatibility. In the end though, it just won't work, and really once you start to accept this, you can begin to pour your energies into finding the right guy, not to almost-but-not-quite-right one...
 
my question is: how can you be in a relationship (much less married?) to a person that is totally not sexually compatible with you? this has been going on for how long??
 
I think if you really love/fancy him and want to make it work you've got one option left to try, it's called compromise.

My SO has some fetishes and turn-ons, so do I. We try to make sure we look after each other's sexual needs and communicate what we want. We're not 100% compatible all the time but as close as I've found so far. But sexual compatibility is complicated, and something you can work on. So a few things I'd suggest...

Group sex fantasy/role play (his kink) - limit how often. Perhaps you're happy to indulge him regularly, but when you want "just the two of us" sex he needs to give it to you even if he has to fantasise in his head. You need to communicate when you need this kind of sex. If it doesn't make him hard he can give you oral/pleasure you in other ways, but he needs to be willing to meet your needs too.

Put boundaries in place, a list of women you're not willing to involve in your sex life PERIOD. This can include your family, friends, whoever. It's really important to have this conversation when you're both calm and chilled and doing something non-sexual, not in the heat of the moment. If these people are then forced into the fantasy by him you IMMEDIATELY stop having sex. Calmly walk away, no scene. Avoid eye contact and don't accept pleading. Like training a dog. He HAS to respect your boundaries. At the same time you can suggest celebrities/other women who are safe to "bring" into the bedroom.

Ask for reassurance that he's attracted to you, not when you're anxious and sad but before you get stressed. Go for a cuddle and ask him to tell you how you turn him on, tell him you want him to make you feel desired and sexy.

Finally, I think you're an awesome lover for making the effort to find out your partner's hidden desires and being willing to indulge him. He should know how fucking lucky he is; there aren't many girls around who would do this. If he has any common sense he will work hard to keep you and stick to agreements you make. If he doesn't he's an idiot and its his loss. YOU are the premium property here sweetie, put your foot down xxx
 
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