Not feeling like yourself and not being able to function

marsmellow

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jun 30, 2008
Messages
2,942
I have a problem...

I don't feel like myself. I don't feel right. It seems like I'm living in a mental haze. I can't connect to other people. Everything seems fake.

I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I can't recognize what's happening. I can't see how it's going to end up. I don't know what I need to do to fix things.

Unless... unless I'm on my favorite drugs. Then, everything is clear.

Something happened. Everything went bad. I don't even know what it was. Probably a lot of different things. I don't really care anymore. I just want it to end.

I just want to know... how do you feel right without depending on drugs? How do you start caring about, and enjoying life again? How do you do it? Does anyone know?
 
Hey mars, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling dude. How long has this been going on for?

The problem with using drugs to feel "normal" is that we forget how to be normal without them. I'm sure you've tried to function normally without substances but it sounds like it's less than favourable so you end up going back to them. Is that how it usually happens? That's like with me and alcohol.

You need to remember that it can take a while for your body and brain to re-adjust to being sober. I'm not sure of your exact drug history so I'm not sure what that period of time is likely to be. But if you withstand the sober period long enough, you will start to feel more normal as time progresses.

Are you socially active? Do you parttake in regular exercise? How's your diet? All of these things could contribute to your mental health as well.

I'm only a PM away if you want to talk one-on-one okay? <3
 
Hey mars, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling dude. How long has this been going on for?
Far too long.
The problem with using drugs to feel "normal" is that we forget how to be normal without them. I'm sure you've tried to function normally without substances but it sounds like it's less than favourable so you end up going back to them. Is that how it usually happens? That's like with me and alcohol.
Yes. And alcohol, that's the problem. It is the main thing that makes me feel happy. I don't know how to talk, or think clearly without it. The ONLY way to make my brain work like normal is to drink. I just wish I knew how to do that sober. Most other people seem to be able to do it. Why can't I?
You need to remember that it can take a while for your body and brain to re-adjust to being sober.
See, this is the worst part. I'm not, and I never really have been addicted to it. I hadn't drank for over 2 months before I did tonight. I should know how to deal with life without its help. But I just don't.
Are you socially active?
No, not really. I've been trying to push all my friends away for some reason. There's some subconscious reason why, but I can't tell exactly what it is. Like I said, I don't think clearly when I'm sober. I just do things. That's why I said I feel like I'm living in a mental haze. Doing without thinking.

That's probably the main problem though. When I'm with other people, I usually feel better.... I think you've given me my answer. Thanks for your post. :)

I just need to stop pushing everyone away and trying to increase my own misery. As long as I keep doing this, it will just get worse. The problem is that I never can force myself to try and make my life better.

When I get advice like this, I'll think "that's a good idea". But then a few days later I'll get back into the same habits and never do anything about it. Not enough motivation. I don't care enough. Too apathetic. :\
 
I have quit all drugs a couple of times before, for me I use a lot of codeine and other opioids, alcohol and psychedelics, taking a break has helped clear my mind a lot though I still suffer from other mental disorders but it cleared up a lot of haze for me.
 
I know when I was trying to break my dependence on opiates, there were days that I would look outside and see people driving in the morning. I would lay there and watch in bewilderment as people went on with their daily routines and I would ask myself "how the hell do they do that?!" It was such a mystery to me how people could just, well, function. How did they force themselves to get-up-and-go?! It took me nearly six months of opiate sobriety to even begin to feel normal and feel as though I could "go on" with life in a typical fashion. I promise that it will come to you as well, but it's a tough journey and takes so much to get there...but it's possible. I hope that helps... :\
 
man, i hear ya buddy. what you just explained is pretty much how i've felt for the majority of my adult life. not feeling connected, or like you said, everything seems fake. i've always used the analogy that everything looks like a movie and i'm on the outside looking in from afar.

i know i don't have to tell you that alcohol is a depressant and is especially harmful for people like us. trust me, it's made me feel better more times than i care to count. i did take a 2 month hiatus from drinking all together recently. to be honest, it was a bit disheartening because i still felt that disconnection, however i started to feel my emotions and recoginize them. i told my wife, that i actually felt a feeling and it felt good. she got a good laugh out of that.

i've since gone back to drinking, but limit myself to a few drinks a couple of times a week at most. hangovers are the devil for people like us and i do my best to avoid them like the plague. also, i exercise daily. it helps me stay in touch with my body which makes me feel more connected to the world around me. if that makes sense.

but most importantly, i try not to take myself so seriously. i've learned to joke about my depression and laugh at myself. in a lot of ways i'm thankful for the way my mind works, i've learned a lot through self reflection in the darkest of times and in the end, always come out on top. i think this has a lot to do with forcing myself to think positive and forcing myself to get outside of my comfort zone. i truely believe that the mind is so powerful we can either choose to think positive or choose to think negative. i know it doesn't feel like that, trust me i do. today i feel great, tomorrow i might not. but if i'm feeling down i always try to remain positive and take comfort in the fact that "this too shall pass".

i don't know, i'm rambling - but your post seemed all to familiar to myself. i guess my best advice would be to lighten up, don't take yourself so seriously and surround yourself with as much positivity as possible.

good luck on your journey brother.
 
and......

Far too long.
The problem is that I never can force myself to try and make my life better.

YES YOU CAN! it only takes a few times of forcing it and then it will come natural. BUT, you do have to force it in the beginning. is it worth the effort? i guess that depends on whether or not you really want to be happy, or at least semi happy.
 
mars, you're the liberal version of me. Creepy, huh? ;)

I've been doing what you're talking about for most of my life - pushing people away, using maladaptive methods to feel better, all of it. It's a VERY hard habit to get out of. Right now, I have a wonderful boyfriend that I keep thinking I should break up with, only to remember that I'm not unhappy with him, I'm unhappy with ME. So that would be a pretty stupid reason to break up, right? It doesn't help anyone, but it's in my head all the time. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm pretty much not worth anyone's time. It's so much easier to just push a boyfriend away than to deal with my own insecurities. Do you get those feelings a lot? I'd wager you do. Or if you don't that you shove them so far down that you barely know they're there, and that's the root of the issue... I repressed all my negative emotions toward myself for a long time, and it manifested exactly as you describe.

Getting all dissociated and disengaged from life is easy to do, and hard to fix. It's just like how it's easy to gain weight and hard to lose it - it's easy to gain a psychological burden and hard to get rid of it. When you feel worthless, it's hard to make any effort to try to improve your life. It's not worth your time, right? It's too hard. You're too tired and too bored to try to get awake and excited. And even if you could, you're not worth it. It's not worth it. It's an endless cycle. And even when you try to get out of it, it's really easy to lose motivation. It's easier to just take a drink/pill/drug of choice. Right now, I'm relying on weed to keep me functional. When I'm high, I feel so happy with my boyfriend, animated, excited, engaged, ready to get going with life; when I'm sober, I just don't feel anything at all.

I know you know about all the things you're supposed to do - eat right, exercise, take vitamins, get therapy, all of that. You know that I know it too. So the question is how do we get ourselves to do it... I can't say I've been entirely successful, but every time I try, it gets easier, and I stay in a good place for longer. I'm hoping that one of these days I might get it right for good. But there's no secret. There's no trick. You just have to get up and do it. I find that making appointments for things like that helps me the most. Won't exercise? Get a personal trainer (even if it's a friend doing it for free, get someone to force you to show up X days a week and work out!). Won't eat right? Only put healthy foods in your fridge! Won't take vitamins? Get a pill box so you can lay them all out and make it easy to remember to take them by sticking the box next to your toothbrush or coffee cup or whatever.

It's not that you can't do it. It's that it *is* REALLY hard. So for lack of a better way to put it, just do it. :) It snowballs in a good way, so just start out slow and easy, and you'll get there. Just try to be, I dunno a good word... "zen" about it - remember that a lot of times it's going to feel awkward and awful and that's not a reason to get upset, it's a reason to keep moving forward. :)
 
and......



YES YOU CAN! it only takes a few times of forcing it and then it will come natural. BUT, you do have to force it in the beginning. is it worth the effort? i guess that depends on whether or not you really want to be happy, or at least semi happy.

Just wanted to say this is fantastic advice, this was something I had to learn myself and I'm glad I did.
 
Not too long ago I was in your same position Mars. I know where you are coming from 110%. The only thing I can really say is that time will heal all.

As to connecting to other people, it's a hard thing to do. Being distant is a natural reaction to keeping yourself safe. Some over-do it. I can't really tell you how to connect with another person, or just people in general.

Just know you're not the only one going through this shit. Drugs help for a short while, but in the end, it's really not worth it. (This coming from a natural born druggie herself). Please don't become dependent on them to feel 'real'. It's not real. And eventually, reality becomes, as you called it, a mental haze.

Dear OP,
Time heals all. Don't give up.
Love,
dance

P.S. Feel free to PM me any time. I might be able to help with ...some... of the confusion.

<3 Look up.
 
I agree with all above posters. As someone who still dabbles in opiates, I can say that the emotional comedown is a bitch and makes life seem pointless and empty. Now, I'm on a few different meds that are supposed to combat my overwhelming anxiety and depression...but of course they won't do their job if you're going to party.

burntserkits couldn't have hit it the nail on the head more accurately. Days after abusing opiates, I'll do the same, people watch/overhear and think dear god, do they really care about that bs??

But like most have said, time is key. If I can get myself to stay clean for even just a few days, I can begin to feel positive about life and actually want to go out into that fucked up world out there.

And as far as being antisocial, nothing could be worse for depression. You have to find a friend and get yourself out there, do something fun. I had a clean day at the beach this weekend and felt like a kid again in the sea.

So, take your time to heal, but remember your friends and the outside world is waiting for you.
 
Thanks for the advice and encouragement everyone. Very helpful. :)
but most importantly, i try not to take myself so seriously. i've learned to joke about my depression and laugh at myself. in a lot of ways i'm thankful for the way my mind works, i've learned a lot through self reflection in the darkest of times and in the end, always come out on top. i think this has a lot to do with forcing myself to think positive and forcing myself to get outside of my comfort zone. i truely believe that the mind is so powerful we can either choose to think positive or choose to think negative. i know it doesn't feel like that, trust me i do. today i feel great, tomorrow i might not. but if i'm feeling down i always try to remain positive and take comfort in the fact that "this too shall pass".
Yeah, that's what I try to do. It's really good advice. I always try to look at the positive, because when I think negatively, I usually overestimate how bad things are. That's what happened when I started this thread. I started to focus my attention on negative things. And when that happens I just go nuts. It starts looking like there's no way out and no way to improve the situation.
mars, you're the liberal version of me. Creepy, huh? ;)

I've been doing what you're talking about for most of my life - pushing people away, using maladaptive methods to feel better, all of it. It's a VERY hard habit to get out of. Right now, I have a wonderful boyfriend that I keep thinking I should break up with, only to remember that I'm not unhappy with him, I'm unhappy with ME. So that would be a pretty stupid reason to break up, right? It doesn't help anyone, but it's in my head all the time. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm pretty much not worth anyone's time. It's so much easier to just push a boyfriend away than to deal with my own insecurities. Do you get those feelings a lot? I'd wager you do. Or if you don't that you shove them so far down that you barely know they're there, and that's the root of the issue... I repressed all my negative emotions toward myself for a long time, and it manifested exactly as you describe.

Getting all dissociated and disengaged from life is easy to do, and hard to fix. It's just like how it's easy to gain weight and hard to lose it - it's easy to gain a psychological burden and hard to get rid of it. When you feel worthless, it's hard to make any effort to try to improve your life. It's not worth your time, right? It's too hard. You're too tired and too bored to try to get awake and excited. And even if you could, you're not worth it. It's not worth it. It's an endless cycle. And even when you try to get out of it, it's really easy to lose motivation. It's easier to just take a drink/pill/drug of choice. Right now, I'm relying on weed to keep me functional. When I'm high, I feel so happy with my boyfriend, animated, excited, engaged, ready to get going with life; when I'm sober, I just don't feel anything at all.

I know you know about all the things you're supposed to do - eat right, exercise, take vitamins, get therapy, all of that. You know that I know it too. So the question is how do we get ourselves to do it... I can't say I've been entirely successful, but every time I try, it gets easier, and I stay in a good place for longer. I'm hoping that one of these days I might get it right for good. But there's no secret. There's no trick. You just have to get up and do it. I find that making appointments for things like that helps me the most. Won't exercise? Get a personal trainer (even if it's a friend doing it for free, get someone to force you to show up X days a week and work out!). Won't eat right? Only put healthy foods in your fridge! Won't take vitamins? Get a pill box so you can lay them all out and make it easy to remember to take them by sticking the box next to your toothbrush or coffee cup or whatever.

It's not that you can't do it. It's that it *is* REALLY hard. So for lack of a better way to put it, just do it. :) It snowballs in a good way, so just start out slow and easy, and you'll get there. Just try to be, I dunno a good word... "zen" about it - remember that a lot of times it's going to feel awkward and awful and that's not a reason to get upset, it's a reason to keep moving forward. :)
Yes, you're right. I keep choosing the easiest option and I keep trying to drink and smoke the problems away. I just have to force myself to find different, more permanent ways of dealing with them. The problem is that it's uncomfortable at first. I guess that's the only way to learn though...
 
I think I remember that you mentioned having a difficult upbringing. To all this great advice I just wanted to add that you might want to look into CBT. It's a really great form of therapy which will help you look at all the things from your past that are holding you back. It helps with depression and anxiety and helps you uncover any hidden reasons for doing the things you do. It will put healthier thoughts into your head. Find a good psychologist and go twice a week for as long as you need. I bet that in a few months you will be in a much better place.
 
Yes, you're right. I keep choosing the easiest option and I keep trying to drink and smoke the problems away. I just have to force myself to find different, more permanent ways of dealing with them. The problem is that it's uncomfortable at first. I guess that's the only way to learn though...
Depression works a lot like drug problems, and the worst part is you're dealing with both. It's easy to relapse, no matter how hard you're trying. So just remember to hold yourself accountable but do NOT ever get down on yourself for making mistakes. You're going to have a hard time. You're gonna crave drugs and "crave" depression and you WILL relapse, hopefully not too bad and not too much, but you will. You will slip and take a pill or slip and start hating on yourself. It happens. So come to terms with that first. Never tell yourself that you have completely failed if you make a mistake. You know full well how that cycle goes with getting down on yourself. As I said before, just be "zen" about it and remember that the goal is totally worth the work. If you can approach the situation intellectually instead of emotionally, it will be a lot easier.

And re-reading your posts, it seems to me that you have one of the same problems as I had and didn't realize I had: anxiety. I'm the same way with alcohol - I make twice as much money at work when I drink because I'm more talkative and outgoing. When I'm sober, I just kinda sit there and worry about people hating me or thinking that everything that comes out of my mouth is lame or embarrassing or whatever. Even if I'm not actively thinking it, it's going on in the background - and when I drink, that shit goes away. What really helps is to pay attention to the kind of things you do and say when you're drunk and then try to do/say those things when you're sober. It's a gradual process. You'll have to start with baby steps, try it out once a week, then twice a week, then every day, and over time it gets easier and easier. You will definitely realize that you're not doing anything special when you're drunk/on drugs, you simply have more courage. If you can build some of that up to use when you're sober, you'll be well on your way. :)
 
I make twice as much money at work when I drink because I'm more talkative and outgoing. When I'm sober, I just kinda sit there and worry about people hating me or thinking that everything that comes out of my mouth is lame or embarrassing or whatever. Even if I'm not actively thinking it, it's going on in the background - and when I drink, that shit goes away.

are you a stripper? not judging, just asking.

you give solid advice and i enjoy your posts.
 
Well just add me to the list of people who feel like you. I'm quitting opiates again and I think it's getting a little better, but it still sucks, and now I don't have opiates to make it not suck.
 
are you a stripper? not judging, just asking.

you give solid advice and i enjoy your posts.
Haha, yes I am.

The benefit is that I meet a lot of people that have all the same problems as people around here (and a lot of people JUST like the OP), so it's given me a ton of insight on all kinds of people problems.

And for the record, mars and everyone else around here, you're not the only ones with the problems you have. Whatever little consolation it may provide, you're not alone, and it's not easy for anyone... You'd be surprised how many men go to strip clubs just for the company.
 
i wasn't trying to point it out or anything. i was just thinking, what kind of job can you drink openly in, and thought stripper.

not that anyone would ever want to watch me strip, but if i did - i would most certainly need a cocktail, or 6.
 
Hi mars,

I totally feel you... I have the same problems. I have absolutely no energy, ambition or motivation. I'm talking to the level of even personal grooming or eating. Too depressed to eat or take a shower for days... or a lot longer, it's embarrassing but it's true. And feeling like the world is not real - god, I am in that all the time. For me it's a dissociative symptom, and I have PTSD and a dissociative disorder (from trauma), so it makes sense - but I think many people feel this way and aren't really smart or perceptive enough to realize it. Check it out on wiki - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization. That may not be what you're experiencing, but it may be.

Sometimes I can examine myself and see that I must have the energy somewhere. I got up and out to buy drugs today, right? Maybe in my case I just don't see the reward right away for "normal" activities, and thus I do nothing. Fear is also a big factor - I'm not so much afraid of the outside world, more that I'm afraid of failure AND success, so I stay stagnant. Just throwing out some ideas based on my own experience that may apply to you.

I also can remember that it hasn't always been this way. I forced myself to go to school, because I thought I had to go (also I wanted to get away from my abusive household). I'm talking primary school, I tried college last year and fell flat on my ass, even though I had A's in every class I took. I'm so used to just having to survive, that now that I could do more than that and thrive, I won't do it. And it really is a won't, as much as I can say I "can't". I feel so empty and apathetic that I kind of just don't care. If I wasn't on opiates right now, no way could I write or read all of this. My concentration level is close to zero, usually.

I don't have the answer of how to get out of it. I know why I'm in it, I know what I have to do to (theoretically) get out of it, but I don't know how to get myself to really want it. I'm 25 years old, live with my 88 year old grandmother, and she does more (going out, cleaning, etc) than I do. Half the time my phone is off because I just can't deal with hearing it ring and knowing somebody is trying to reach me, and not wanting to talk to them. It makes me feel ashamed and worthless. It's a seemingly endless cycle that I have to break by just giving two shits and doing something, anything... I haven't even played my guitar in more than a year, something I know I'm good at and I know will bring me pleasure.

I'm really not trying to go on a rant about me, I just want you to know you're not alone. There's a method to the madness, even if I/you/we don't know what it is. I really think Z Y G G Y's suggestion of CBT is a good one. I've done it/am doing it, and if nothing else I have a clearer grasp at why I do things. Most of the time the actual logic is good, but the premise is self defeating or distorted in some way or another.

Once in a while I get spurts where I actually have some energy and do stuff. Not a lot of stuff - I'm talking do all my laundry and going to the store in one day! Who would have thought. ;) That may sound silly but it's the reality of the situation. These spurts last for about two weeks at the most. If I could somehow not sabotage myself and keep it going, everything would be much better. I hope some of this made sense and you don't just think I'm going on about myself to derail the thread. I also think setting goals is a good idea. Even if they are small goals - take a walk, pay a bill, take a shower, get a haircut, whatever it may be. Be accountable for these goals and maybe you can feel some pride and see your improvement. You can do it. :)
 
teh OP sounds like how i feel after doing speed. yet i go back to the d-amp...fuck it, attempting to quit again..but ive tried a lot and havent managed moar than 3 weeks since october without abusing the piss outta dexedrine. 60+mg doses (moar than that over the course of a day, at least 100mg a day when id do that, maybe 2-3 times a week? if that, at least once a week, but never on the weekends. fuck. off topic bros, sorry).
 
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