Non-communication

[Magickduck]

So I am writing y'all about my fiance... first let me say that I am 100% comitted to her, and love her with my whole being. There is absolutely no chance of me leaving her.

We have been in a relationship for 5.5years and are getting married this summer actually.

What I need help with is getting her to communicate better.... she is diagnosed with bipolar but regardless of whether there are real trends in people, we don't nessicarily believe in the fact that its a disorder or needs medication. We are firm in this and medication is 100% not an option. She does have mood swings and will randomly get depressed and just mope around for days. She won't want to go out and see anybody, she says its fine if i stay home and hang out with her, and we have fun, but I want to see friends sometimes, and its like I have to choose between spending time with her, or them.

Alot of times she is not nessicarily depressed but struggles with self-consciousness. I am trying to tell her to just not give a fuck and forget what other people think - it does not matter and she wouldn't want judgemental people in her life anyway, but it doesn't seem to click. She is fine at music festivals and such but there are times we are at a friends house and she'll make me drive her home or she'll go out and wait in the car, etc... all this is fine but it happens alot lately...

Then on top of all that, she lives very on edge a lot of time... extreme anxiety about my driving, etc... she is doing better with this part... but yeah the main issue is her irritability. Something little will happen (example she'll drop something, or bump into something) and she will get extremely upset and yell or curse - its kind of unpleasant... then she stays in a weird mood for a WHILE after this little thing and kind of spirals out of control into negativity... and I end up getting the blunt end.

Then when I try to talk to her about how her irritability is effecting me and makes me feel, she doesn't want to talk about it right then and puts it off, but its never a good time... I even communicate this to her but she just says "I am sorry I do not know what to say I feel weird". I understand she may be more sensitive and unstable than others but can't any reasonable adult force themselves to hold themselves to a certain standard of communication (especially while in a relationship)... its sort of one of the parts of being IN a relationship.

She doesn't have a job as she is trying to get disability, but she is open to getting a job or doing something. She sits around the house all day watching movies or not really having anything to do. We live in a very boring area and here she isn't happy (im not either really but we're stuck here atm). I don't know if she is stir crazy and its making this stuff worse or what.

There are other times where she is fine and happy and not irritable.

When we are alone, we are in bliss in each others arms and its beauitiful and i love her.. its just lately she lives her life guided by fear and anxiety and its like she never wants to have fun or can't.

I love this girl and want to work through this with her, I just need some advice on how.

 

[double ewe]

she is diagnosed with bipolar but regardless of whether there are real trends in people, we don't nessicarily believe in the fact that its a disorder or needs medication.

if you're not going to take the advice of medical professionals, why do you care what anonymous drug enthusiasts on the internet think?

bipolar is real shit. don't be an idiot.

 

[Magickduck]

if you're not going to take the advice of medical professionals, why do you care what anonymous drug enthusiasts on the internet think?

bipolar is real shit. don't be an idiot.

it may be, but it doesn't nessicarily require medication, nor does that usually help very much.

 

[llama112]

Why doesn't she do anything? Most people would be moody and unhappy living in that situation. Not working, and just watching movies all day sounds terrible!! I mean, when I was just working part time and I had a couple weekdays off where I didn't have anything to do, I would be excited to go back to work. I think that is a big part of the issue.

Perhaps try to fix that - can't she get a job or volunteer somewhere? I mean, it doesn't have to be like a full time thing. Just having her out of the house!! Doing something!! She could go to school? I don't know what your/her financial situation is like but the three of those things seem like good options to me.

 

[double ewe]

it may be, but it doesn't nessicarily require medication, nor does that usually help very much.

medication is not necessarily the answer, and certainly not the only answer. is she receiving any treatment at all?

 

[bunnymunro]

it may be, but it doesn't necessarily require medication, nor does that usually help very much.

If you think that bipolar will fix itself without treatment, you are sadly mistaken, and you are in for a lifetime of trouble, or as long you stick around anyway. What you need to do is research the disorder, get on some forums with bipolar people, not listen to her, as she will convince you that her medication makes her feel, dumb, numb and not let her live to her potential. What she says may have some truth to it, but the aim of the meds is to keep her at a level that precludes her from spiking/troughing to levels that may become dangerous to herself or others.
If you plan to spend the rest of your life with this lady, you really need to learn about bipolar,... the good the bad, the warts and all. When I was with a BP lady, I was a member of a forum called BPSO (significant other) which was a closed forum, but allowed the SOs to have a place to discuss our partners.
With no disrespect to anyone suffering BP, it is something that affects the spouse and family equally as much as the BP person.

We are fortunate that there are a multitude of treatments available now, and it may take many tries to find the right combo of meds to make life as close to pleasant as possible for both of you

In a non manic stage, you may not find that the meds do much, and thats when she is more than likely to tell you that the meds are doing nothing, and stop taking them. This is where the fun begins (or not). IME it takes a dedicated BP to see the big picture and really want to keep on the meds. Even so, they will have lapses from time to time, which may end badly. But don't fool yourself that you are able to reason with her when she is manic. Reason is not a reason, there will be no justification. Its not that she is shallow, or not caring for your feelings, its not about you at all. If she chooses to remain unmedicated, run for the hills, don't look back. If she becomes proactive in managing her disorder, maybe stick around, but keep a bagpacked.
Sorry if I sound so negative, but depending on the extent of the disorder, its a dicey situation, and you don't want to be going into it with rose coloured glasses

 

[Magickduck]

If you think that bipolar will fix itself without treatment, you are sadly mistaken, and you are in for a lifetime of trouble, or as long you stick around anyway. What you need to do is research the disorder, get on some forums with bipolar people, not listen to her, as she will convince you that her medication makes her feel, dumb, numb and not let her live to her potential. What she says may have some truth to it, but the aim of the meds is to keep her at a level that precludes her from spiking/troughing to levels that may become dangerous to herself or others.
If you plan to spend the rest of your life with this lady, you really need to learn about bipolar,... the good the bad, the warts and all. When I was with a BP lady, I was a member of a forum called BPSO (significant other) which was a closed forum, but allowed the SOs to have a place to discuss our partners.
With no disrespect to anyone suffering BP, it is something that affects the spouse and family equally as much as the BP person.

We are fortunate that there are a multitude of treatments available now, and it may take many tries to find the right combo of meds to make life as close to pleasant as possible for both of you

In a non manic stage, you may not find that the meds do much, and thats when she is more than likely to tell you that the meds are doing nothing, and stop taking them. This is where the fun begins (or not). IME it takes a dedicated BP to see the big picture and really want to keep on the meds. Even so, they will have lapses from time to time, which may end badly. But don't fool yourself that you are able to reason with her when she is manic. Reason is not a reason, there will be no justification. Its not that she is shallow, or not caring for your feelings, its not about you at all. If she chooses to remain unmedicated, run for the hills, don't look back. If she becomes proactive in managing her disorder, maybe stick around, but keep a bagpacked.
Sorry if I sound so negative, but depending on the extent of the disorder, its a dicey situation, and you don't want to be going into it with rose coloured glasses

snip... 'if she chooses to remain unmedicated, run for the hills, don't look back. if she becomes proactive in managing her disorder, maybe stick around, but keep a bag packed'... are you fucking kidding me? no wonder your relationship didn't work out.

she is never "dangerous to herself or others" at the worst she is slightly irritable or sad... and this is not all the time.... Western medicine is nonsense and hogwash and I am sorry to say but you are kind of brainwashed.

I do not know if your ex was someone who was dangerous, but she is certainly not. she can handle herself juts fine without having to dope herself out and not be able to enjoy life....

anyway my intent was not to argue about this as I knew would inevitably happen, hence why i put we are 100% on her not using medication. neither of us feel it is a good idea.

What I asked for is life advice on how to talk to her, or on what to suggest. Like only 1 poster has respected and given valuable advice.

 

[blode]

* 'if she chooses to remain unmedicated, run for the hills, don't look back. if she becomes proactive in managing her disorder, maybe stick around, but keep a bag packed'... are you fucking kidding me? no wonder your relationship didn't work out.

she is never "dangerous to herself or others" at the worst she is slightly irritable or sad... and this is not all the time.... Western medicine is nonsense and hogwash and I am sorry to say but you are kind of brainwashed.

I do not know if your ex was someone who was dangerous, but she is certainly not. she can handle herself juts fine without having to dope herself out and not be able to enjoy life....

anyway my intent was not to argue about this as I knew would inevitably happen, hence why i put we are 100% on her not using medication. neither of us feel it is a good idea.

What I asked for is life advice on how to talk to her, or on what to suggest. Like only 1 poster has respected and given valuable advice.

He gave you his honest opinion and talked about his experiences and you call him an asshole?
Bi-Polar is a real disease and eastern medicines are about prevention while western medicines are about curing or suppressing disease.
Both have good points and rather than telling supporters of Western medicine that they're brainwashed perhaps you should look into a bit more?
Have her see a psychologist or a psychiatrist and let them make an assessment.
It sounds like you really love her and want it to work which is great, just explore all the avenues of helping her rather than enforcing some rule based off of your opinions.

 

[bunnymunro]

* 'if she chooses to remain unmedicated, run for the hills, don't look back. if she becomes proactive in managing her disorder, maybe stick around, but keep a bag packed'... are you fucking kidding me? no wonder your relationship didn't work out.

she is never "dangerous to herself or others" at the worst she is slightly irritable or sad... and this is not all the time.... Western medicine is nonsense and hogwash and I am sorry to say but you are kind of brainwashed.

I do not know if your ex was someone who was dangerous, but she is certainly not. she can handle herself juts fine without having to dope herself out and not be able to enjoy life....

anyway my intent was not to argue about this as I knew would inevitably happen, hence why i put we are 100% on her not using medication. neither of us feel it is a good idea.

What I asked for is life advice on how to talk to her, or on what to suggest. Like only 1 poster has respected and given valuable advice.

Magickduck, your angry response is one that I would expect from someone who asks for advice and then gets angry as its not what you want to hear.
I really hope that you and she are able to deal with this illness without help from the big pharmas.
I sincerely hope you don't have to deal with being in your house scared to say or do the wrong thing unless it starts off a screaming match.
I hope you don't need to deal with senseless arguements that defy all logic or reason, because no matter how right you are, you will never win them.
I certainly do not wish upon you sleepless nights when you cannot let her leave your sight for more than five minutes because you know she is going to harm herself.
or worse.
I hope you never come home to a strangely quiet house with a terrible surprise for you in the bathroom.

If your lady was diabetic, would you also not take treatment for that? It means nothing to me how you both manage your lives, you asked on a public forum for comments, I gave you mine.
I hope that your future continues to blossom fruitfully

 

[pofacedhoe]

If your lady was diabetic, would you also not take treatment for that?

OP dont respond aggressively to people when they are just giving their opinion- you dont have to listen to it if you dont want to

bipolar is NOT like diabetes (which can be measured as a physical disorder by blood glucose testing) and has a huge genetic and social component to it. the stressors in your life can trigger episodes but its also possible to get out of the cycling long enough to escape it. i have been diagnosed and i know that real mania is a serious problem, BUT i am not on any meds for it at all and i have been free of episodes for 4 years.

also if you think they are going to kill themselves then they need to be sectioned. that much is obvious because meds alone can be used for suicide

it is possible to go from cycling for years to not experiencing any sort of mood problems. the problem at this point is adjusting to the boring reality of real life rather than crazy joke filled joyous fantasy delusions/euphoria

so dont throw around the whole "bipolar people will have to be medicated forever" shtick, have you ever heard of rebound psychosis from antipsychotics? neuroleptic malignant death syndrome? irreversible tarditive dyskinesia (you'll find it real easy to get a job with that shit going on)

my point is that not everyone with bipolar is going to experience it forever. its is by definition episodic which means that episodes have a begging and an end

it is heavily genetic moreso than any other mental illness based upon twin studies and genes can be switched on and off in response to signals the body gets from its environment.

if you have bipolar one word of advice- avoid caffeine/excess sugar like the plague

if i started drinking coffee today i would have problems sleeping/anxiety and when you cant sleep well thats how it gets triggered for me at least

also i dont eat any food with hydrogenated fat (unlike the mountains i consumed as a teenager) and i dont smoke tobacco with its harmala alkaloid maois present (hey kids- can anyone think why maoi's would exacerbate bipolar???)

what i do for my personal mental health is eat a fair bit of fish with omega 3 avoid mcdonalds take a b vitamin complex (with lots of b6). for me when i combine all these life changes and i was able to hold down a stable job my mental health improved hugely.

this girlfriend of yours is sitting on her ass all day doing jack shit with too much time on her hands to think about all the crap in her head. if i had nothing to do i would be self conscious because other people tend to judge layabouts.

her behaviour may be that of a depressive but i have held down jobs when depressed. get her lazy ass out of bed and get her looking for a job. waiting for disability? stephen fry doesn't sit on his ass waiting for disability and he's a very high profile bipolar loon

bipolar or not- some people work in life and some people are lazy. i used to work with lots of visibly depressed people (we hated our job) but they still showed up to get their dollar.

 

[kytnism]

op, does she use drugs recreationally or habitually that perhaps could be adding to her feeling social anxiety?

...kytnism...

 

[Magickduck]

no, she is sober nearly 100% of the time except the very rare occasional she will take a very small ammount of mushrooms and smoke cannabis very rarely as well, usually at home alone or with just me

 

[iliketoast]

I can relate to a resistance to being on medication. But at the same time, my own experience with psychiatric meds has ultimately been beneficial to me. It takes time.

I think the most important aspect has been helping to balance out my moods, and with balance/more control over my emotions & reactions comes a "kickstart" - motivation to improve how I spend my time, being conscious of what I eat, etc. ... several responses have already gone into these things.

Her communication issues remind me of myself. I still struggle...but improvement only happens when I am open to it and willing to put in work.

I think the best thing you can do is be patient and loving. I definitely second bunnymunro regarding educating yourself. Maybe your lady should too. Sitting at home moping is just feeding the sickness. If she isnt ready to work on herself, are you ready to be around that shit for the rest of your life? You shouldn't have to be a caretaker or serve as the absorber of her anxiety and negativity. Not good for either of you.

 

[Magickduck]

yes and I think she has been taking steps... we have been talking and communicating more for the past week or so, i think due to going out to some festivals. when her mind is stimulated, she is happy, and thus can communicate better.

 

[Peekaboosound]

Wow, this sounds difficult. If you are thinking of marrying her I would definitely give it some more time. You don't want to be stuck with someone who is depressed, no energy and then if kids come down the line you'll be in a more heavily burdened situation. Give her an ultimatum! Either she makes the effort to change (even if it involves taking medication) or you can't go on living this way. For a relationship to really work I think that it is the job of individuals to lift up, inspire, motivate and drive the other.

I hope it works out for you! Stay strong and listen to your needs as well!