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Nitrous and Consent

M

munki

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 30, 2000
Messages
625
Location
wa
So, the last few months I have been experimenting with nitrous and exploring the mental trips that come with it. For me, it is not a physical drug as it is more mental, emotional, philosophical, etc. For my boyfriend, it just seems to make him horny and all he wants to do on it if we do it together is grope me and try to have sex with me, which I find frustrating especially because it is such an incapacitating drug, albeit short-lived. I don't really like having sex when I am really high on substances because it is such a sensory overload and also because I was sexually assaulted almost 20 years ago while being incapacitated blackout drunk, so it is really important for me to feel safe and have my wits if I am going to be intimate.

He knows this and he knows that sometimes I get triggered, but he always takes it incredibly personally if he accidentally triggers me as to mean that I hate him and that I don't want to have sex with him again. Well, last night he went out for a bit, so I did nitrous for an hour by myself while listening to music, enjoying the trip, and he came home sooner than expected. He saw that I was doing nitrous and wanted to do some too. We did a couple whippets together with mild cuddling, and then right after I took a hit, while deep in the high he pulled my pants down. That triggered me and made me freak out. He never asked to take my pants down, nor had we even been making out so I was completely unprepared, especially because I had been deep in a nitrous vortex mentally.

He got really upset when I tried to tell him he had triggered me, and basically left the room without listening to me and was incredibly defensive and doing his usual "you hate me, you are repulsed by me" etc. tactics that he uses when we get in bad arguments. This is not the first time that consent has come up for us.

I think he is of the mindset that if you are bf/gf consent is always implied and that it can be a free-for-all when the other person is horny. I don't agree with this. There needs to be communication and a warmup (kisses, etc.) if intimacy is going to happen. I told him repeatedly last night to never pull my pants down right after I take a nitrous hit again, and I think he understands that. We did end up having sex later but I am feeling a bit of an emotional hangover today of feeling not completely understood nor respected about my feelings. His extreme defensiveness really makes it seem like he didn't hear me at all, and is just concerned about his perception that I rejected him.

Just am wondering if I am the irrational one here?
 
Nope, I feel you are completely justified with your reaction. If you have set boundaries and you feel that him stripping you off for sex without any 'warm up' and he ignores them he is in the wrong.

However, some guys like just getting straight down to it skipping the warm up so to speak. If he knows your history of abuse and knows that your more likely to have a triggering episode when high he should either stay sober or learn to control his urges until your down a bit and able to kiss and cuddle etc.

Have you tried using Nitros for sex? Have the kissing and cuddling and the really close intimacy, doing a hit, taking things slow again, doing a hit and taking things further? Could be a good learning experience for you being able to relax, get high and intimate with somebody who you can trust.
 
It's not him it's you. In any normal loving relationship there should be enough trust for your boyfriend to throw you onto the bed and make passionate love to you without checking off a list like he is an astronaut going to the moon. I'm not talking about forced rape, but the majority of normal people out there enjoy spontaneous on the couch sex without all the rules that you seem to require. He obviously feels that sex while under the influence should be fun and enjoyable and sometimes you need to consider what your partner may want to experience sexually not just what you want.

It's unfortunate that you have issues from previous incidents but it is totally understandable that your boyfriend gets upset with such a reaction. Relationships work best as a partnership and it appears you decide exactly how and when sex should occur. If I was your boyfriend I'd start to question whether you consider me as someone special enough to trust or if you are just lumping me in with all the other evil bastards that you seem to place other men. If he is special enough to be the one then surely he is special enough to make an exception for.
 
There are no rules regarding how you should act.

If something is not OK with you (such as him making a pass at you while you are high on nitrous) then you have 100% right to tell him that is not OK with you.
He can then counter by being upset, sulking etc...
You can then reaffirm that you aren't comfortable with that while high on nitrous, or you can give in to his reaction and change your guidelines.
Maybe you can find a happy medium, where once in a blue moon you abstain from nitrous while your partner gets to get high before or during a sex session ?


As far as consent being "always implied" outside of nitrous use, that's a completely different topic.
Again there are no rules, and you can set whatever guidelines you are comfortable with.
If spontaneous sex is always out of the question that may be a strain on the relationship.
 
One Thousand Words said:
He obviously feels that sex while under the influence should be fun and enjoyable and sometimes you need to consider what your partner may want to experience sexually not just what you want.

It's unfortunate that you have issues from previous incidents but it is totally understandable that your boyfriend gets upset with such a reaction. Relationships work best as a partnership and it appears you decide exactly how and when sex should occur. If I was your boyfriend I'd start to question whether you consider me as someone special enough to trust or if you are just lumping me in with all the other evil bastards that you seem to place other men. If he is special enough to be the one then surely he is special enough to make an exception for.
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Unfortunately, I don't have control if I am going to be triggered. I know I need to feel absolutely safe in order to be intimate. I do feel safe with him but then these damn issues come up. I went through years of counseling over that incident so one would think I would be over it, but shit tends to come up out of nowhere!

He does feel like I am lumping him in with all those "evil guys" which is why his feelings and ego were really bruised. He can be overly sensitive though, especially in regards to sex, etc.

I don't agree that I should make an exception for something if it doesn't feel right to me though irregardless of what he wants. We have a pretty open and adventurous sex life without the need to bone while high on nitrous. I did start giving him a blow job after he had taken a hit that night, so maybe in the future I will just do that since he seems to like the extra sensations.
 
Corazon said:
As far as consent being "always implied" outside of nitrous use, that's a completely different topic.
Again there are no rules, and you can set whatever guidelines you are comfortable with.
If spontaneous sex is always out of the question that may be a strain on the relationship.
Click to expand...

Spontaneous sex is a bit more difficult because I have a five year old so that does decrease the amount of availability for sex to happen. He complained to me recently about this, about how sex seems to be "scheduled" on just the one night a week when I don't have my son and my off weekends. I think my bf has a higher libido than me so if we aren't doing it at least 3 or 4 times a week he starts to be act like he is in a state of deprivation, which is also annoying to me. I have been trying to be accommodating to his needs lately though so he seems happier. I also am not doing nitrous that often…maybe for an hour or so every few weeks.
 
One Thousand Words said:
It's not him it's you. In any normal loving relationship there should be enough trust for your boyfriend to throw you onto the bed and make passionate love to you without checking off a list like he is an astronaut going to the moon. I'm not talking about forced rape, but the majority of normal people out there enjoy spontaneous on the couch sex without all the rules that you seem to require. He obviously feels that sex while under the influence should be fun and enjoyable and sometimes you need to consider what your partner may want to experience sexually not just what you want.

It's unfortunate that you have issues from previous incidents but it is totally understandable that your boyfriend gets upset with such a reaction. Relationships work best as a partnership and it appears you decide exactly how and when sex should occur. If I was your boyfriend I'd start to question whether you consider me as someone special enough to trust or if you are just lumping me in with all the other evil bastards that you seem to place other men. If he is special enough to be the one then surely he is special enough to make an exception for.
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This is wrong. You act like there shouldn't be a connection at all times, to make one further like this. She is saying that she is not connected like that at the time, and her boyfriend does this anyways. Sure... Throw your woman on the bed, bend her over and fuck her, but make sure she knows what the fuck is happening.

It is NOT HER. Perhaps she needs a more thoughtful, and in control guy. Dude is being a bitch (The word douche came to mind). He needs to fucking control himself. In being in this relationship with her, he needs to accept certain preconditions, for his modulating of his behaviors. If he doesn't want to accept those, he should go somewhere else.
 
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One Thousand Words said:
It's not him it's you. In any normal loving relationship there should be enough trust for your boyfriend to throw you onto the bed and make passionate love to you without checking off a list like he is an astronaut going to the moon. I'm not talking about forced rape, but the majority of normal people out there enjoy spontaneous on the couch sex without all the rules that you seem to require. He obviously feels that sex while under the influence should be fun and enjoyable and sometimes you need to consider what your partner may want to experience sexually not just what you want.

It's unfortunate that you have issues from previous incidents but it is totally understandable that your boyfriend gets upset with such a reaction. Relationships work best as a partnership and it appears you decide exactly how and when sex should occur. If I was your boyfriend I'd start to question whether you consider me as someone special enough to trust or if you are just lumping me in with all the other evil bastards that you seem to place other men. If he is special enough to be the one then surely he is special enough to make an exception for.
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You are talking forced rape though? The OP is not talking about 'Normal' or 'on the couch' sex - they are talking about being high and being taken advantage of. Something they do not like, something they have expressed causes them distress.
 
No means no. It doesn't matter if it's the first date, or the 20th wedding anniversary.

Talk things through sure. But don't get all gropey if the partner isn't in the mood.
 
Bearlove said:
You are talking forced rape though? The OP is not talking about 'Normal' or 'on the couch' sex - they are talking about being high and being taken advantage of. Something they do not like, something they have expressed causes them distress.
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No I'm talking about a relationship which is very much one sided. Her boyfriend has every right to feel hurt and rejected for doing something that for the majority of couples in normal healthy relationships have no problems with. If you are close enough to experiment with drugs together then it is not unreasonable to want to to sexually explore each other while high. The original poster has her own reasons for feeling uncomfortable and she has the right to decide what she feels comfortable which is fine, but at the same time her boyfriend doesn't have to be made to feel that what he is doing is in any way abnormal or extreme. He is not the odd one out and wanting to feel up your long term girlfriend as the two of you are messing about with drugs doesn't make you a potential rapist.
 
He needs to make a connection at all times to make more of a connection. He is not.
She had told him not to in those circumstances. He sounds like a prick. If his feelings are hurt boo-hoo.

Maybe if you're wanting to stick with this guy/want to work things out, and if he really wants to mess around messed up, maybe let him get messed up and play with you, while you stay sober? Sounds like he hasn't earned the trust to be fucked up with like this, from what I can tell. He certainly doesn't sound like he is respecting you. Drug use isn't an excuse.
 
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basically some people like a no questions asked approach. to me its better to at least kiss them first before pulling their trousers down which i probably have done to people if i'm honest. BUT i will concede that if someone asks me if they can do things to me i find it a major turn off.

if the problem keeps cropping up then maybe you need someone who is going to take into account your past when they are trying to have sex with you.

it sounds like he has not the maturity or empathy to deal with your history.
 
One Thousand Words said:
No I'm talking about a relationship which is very much one sided. Her boyfriend has every right to feel hurt and rejected for doing something that for the majority of couples in normal healthy relationships have no problems with. If you are close enough to experiment with drugs together then it is not unreasonable to want to to sexually explore each other while high. The original poster has her own reasons for feeling uncomfortable and she has the right to decide what she feels comfortable which is fine, but at the same time her boyfriend doesn't have to be made to feel that what he is doing is in any way abnormal or extreme. He is not the odd one out and wanting to feel up your long term girlfriend as the two of you are messing about with drugs doesn't make you a potential rapist.
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Ah - so the Majority of couples would be ok with *insert sex act* = so should you be? You do drugs so you should be open and available for anything the person you doing drugs with fancies ?

The OP certainly does have 'her' reasons and that has been explained to her BF - IF the BF ignores that then its his fault.

IF you wish to explain to me what is normal in a relationship - please do.
 
Your boyfriend sounds manipulative. You don't want to have sex just then, so he acts "hurt." He knows about your past and he continues to act this way and play the victim when you call him out on it.
 
Only one answer to this. Boyfriend thinks nitrous is invitation for sex. For OP it's not. OP should not do nitrous in the presence of boyfriend.
OP has (understandable) problem about losing control when under the influence.
She'll have to dump boyfriend.
 
One Thousand Words said:
It's not him it's you. In any normal loving relationship there should be enough trust for your boyfriend to throw you onto the bed and make passionate love to you without checking off a list like he is an astronaut going to the moon. I'm not talking about forced rape, but the majority of normal people out there enjoy spontaneous on the couch sex without all the rules that you seem to require. He obviously feels that sex while under the influence should be fun and enjoyable and sometimes you need to consider what your partner may want to experience sexually not just what you want.

It's unfortunate that you have issues from previous incidents but it is totally understandable that your boyfriend gets upset with such a reaction. Relationships work best as a partnership and it appears you decide exactly how and when sex should occur. If I was your boyfriend I'd start to question whether you consider me as someone special enough to trust or if you are just lumping me in with all the other evil bastards that you seem to place other men. If he is special enough to be the one then surely he is special enough to make an exception for.
Click to expand...

I don't agree with this. In a LOVING relationship, the bloke doesn't just let his urges override the need to protect his partner's security and trust. In this scenario, there was no getting on the bed and mutually consenting. Just going up to someone and pulling their pants down whilst they are halfway incapacitated and without building any intimacy beforehand is downright crass in a relationship, especially with someone with past issues involving abuse while incapacitated.

The bloke is entirely in the wrong here and is taking things personally instead of examining his behaviour and the impact of it on the person he is supposed to love.
 
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Tude said:
Your boyfriend sounds manipulative. You don't want to have sex just then, so he acts "hurt." He knows about your past and he continues to act this way and play the victim when you call him out on it.
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Absolutely spot on. This is classic emotional manipulation, where the person that has actually been wronged, ends up being forced to be the one apologising and doing what they don't want to do right then, to appease the other person with the massive sulky, victim complex.

It's important to stand your ground and draw proper, firm boundaries, more so, when dealing with a manipulative, controlling male. Once you renege on your own boundaries, or do something you are not comfortable with, or start the appeasing routine when they are in the wrong not you, it sets a precedent and a pattern of behaviours that is not healthy or right. Many addicts have trouble drawing boundaries and being assertive over poor treatment from others, due to low self esteem.

Someone who behaves like this with no thought for YOUR feelings, is someone you should think carefully about a future with and you are right to say consent is NOT always implied in a relationship. The decades old mentality of men grabbing their wives and insisting on their "conjugal rights" at their command, when the woman doesn't consent, still constitutes rape. Being manipulated into having sex that you don't want while high and lacking full capacity and/or have only consented to under duress and out of fear of the consequences, is tantamount to rape. Don't be manipulated or made to feel you are in the wrong. No means No. Let him go storming off. He'll get over it.
 
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