nights

[drea]

all those nights i still remember
you held me, so tight
whispered to me
everything
i thought i was there
the pinnacle of life
this exstacy that no one had yet tasted
no bitter sweet upon thier tongues
i had it all
no euphoria so sweet
no dream deemed similar
i had it all
we used to love until morning came
random "i love you"s interrupting sleep
i dont think i can feel that again
or do i want to?
for now i have to act, portray
im not upset
of course not
what silly fool would pine over the demise of the only love she'd ever felt
not me...
i make up these excuses
reasons to interrupt the separation
i found your sweater,rumpled in a ball on my bedroom floor
left over from one of those random loving nights...
it doesnt feel real, all of this.
how can you not be here?
love is love, right?
you told me you loved me, that this was for good
my young mind believed you
i was ready to say that you were it for me
i wasnt asking for anything
i wasnt begging for anything
the one thing i longed for was you
and i had you
i was content
but you are afraid
afraid you will miss something
..or maybe im just not good enough
maybe i did something horrid i dont remember
all i remember doing is loving you
giving you everything i had
air, blood ,water, trust
everything
i had so many questions
i cannot put into words...
you didnt want to hurt me you said....
what mindset do you actually think im in right now?
do you actually think this has been a relief to me?
do you not realize the nights i spend with myself
holding myself
imagining you
imagining what you would have said at that moment
realizing the impossibility for me to feel this again
i dont want to love anymore
i dont want to feel anymore
i want to erase, take it back,
feel it again
i dont want to lose you....
but i know i already did
------------------
::heaven holds a sense of wonder/and i wanted to believe/that id get caught up when the rage in me subsides::

 

[Mellabopper]

drea -
hang in there sweetie. its a beautiful peice of work, and your heartache definitely shines right through it. any of us who have felt like that before (i'm sure most people have at one point in time) know exactly what you mean... you feel hurt, confused, lonely, and very humbled... i know its so easy to turn things onto yourself and ask yourself if it was your fault... but obviously you had only love for whoever broke your heart. it takes time, and hopefully you can heal quickly. keep your head up and dont stop smiling. and dont let something like this keep you from loving in the future because there IS someone out there for you, and maybe you dont even know them yet... everything will fall into place sooner or later.

sorry for the long response, but when i read the poem i pretty much felt like those were my thoughts at one point in time
Mellabopper
------------------
~*~*~ meat is no treat for those you eat ~*~*~
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"
[This message has been edited by Mellabopper (edited 12 December 2000).]

 

[drea]

mella:
thank you so much for your response...
writing things like this make me feel a bit better in way...getting everything out at once...
its nice to know im not alone

drea

 

[Crystalized]

You are soooooo not alone. I have never been in love, I thought I was at the time, but I realized I wasn't. That was a few years ago. Just about three months ago, I met this guy, I wanted a relationship, but I wasn't really looking. He seemed very interested in me, sent me flowers, we talked about love, kids, and the future. He told me how easily it would be to fall in love with me, we saw each other almost every day. He then got a second job, so he works non stop, so I started seeing him once a week about a month ago. He would say how much he missed me, and ask what we were going to do if we fall in love. Then this weekend I didn't hear from him. I called him yesterday at work, he told me a bunch of shit about how he can't make a woman happy if he's not happy with himself. It's not right for you to only see me once a week. I asked if he was finished with me, he said he still wanted to talk to me. He says- how can we work on a relationship without spending time together. Blah, blah, blah...
But I understand what he's going through, and I told him. But I just wonder if he's sincere or just trying to be nice about not wanting to be with me. I don't know, what does anyone else think?
I wasn't searching for a boyfriend, I just ended up meeting this really great guy I could trust with my heart, I'm not in love, but my heart is definitely broke.
I just needed to vent.