New user in need of advice - antidepressants stopped working.

[Avernus]

Hey guys, I'm going to try not make this topic too gushy and fragmented so I can get the most advice possible without boring you all. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in around four days. I am from the UK.

My mother has been in and out of hospital for as long as I can remember. One of my best friends overdosed on Oxycontin a month ago and my mum has yet another operation due at christmas and is in permanent care. My dad died when I was 12. I am an only child (adopted at 6 months).
I'm in the second year of university and have been prescribed Fluoxetine (40mg p/d), Mirtazapine (30mg p/d) and Quetiapine (50mg morning & night). This combination has been half-helping me for a year and I no longer feel like I want to die. My girlfriend split up with me around two months ago too, mainly because this combination has turned me into an unmotivated zombie capable of sleeping 14 hours a day. I was happy sleeping last year away... now not so much.

These medications helped for awhile in regards to my depression but have done nothing for my anxiety/paranoia. I link things to myself constantly and my psychiatrist knows I have a history of using recreational drugs, although I have stopped usage of everything including weed for over a year and a half. I have been on this medication for a year now.

Basically, I feel like I'm back to where I was a year ago whilst taking all this medication, except for the fact I don't suffer from insomnia on this combination. What frightens me is what I'd be like without these medications. I don't suffer from suicidal idealization anymore.

I'm not ignorant when it comes to substances and am no-longer functioning adequately (socially withdrawn and non-attending), the depression has taken hold of me again. I have to go to lectures this year and my anxiety levels will be through the roof because of this. I've been diagnosed with major depression, although I believe i'm slightly more messed up than that.

I need something that will work with absolute certainty. I have been down the counselling path before and they just tell me that my reasons for feeling depressed/anxious are legitimized. I have a biological predisposition for paranoid schizophrenia, my biological mother was a schizophrenic. Two years ago I was smoking an ounce a week through a bong. I'm not proud of this, but know weed is a big trigger for this illness. I think I'm a schizophrenic without any positive symptoms....my self awareness prevails over hallucinations and delusions, although they're constantly there dragging me down.

I'm really clueless on what to say and if to be up front with the psychiatrist in regards to my drug knowledge. I'm at my wits end and need urgent help, the depression is causing me physical pain and internal frustration again and I feel like i'm going to throw my academic life away without some form of immediate treatment. With me being on anti-psychotics for a year without being psychotic I feel like I might have more prescription options open to me than most do.

Thank you bluelight, I haven't had an account but you have helped me with a lot of things over the years.

 

[Bearlove]

Welcome to the site,

I have moved your post over to our section 'The Dark Side' as people in this section will be able to offer advice and support for what your going through. In the mean time if you fancy a chat we have a European section that you can find here and a social section that you can find here.

 

[Avernus]

Welcome to the site,

I have moved your post over to our section 'The Dark Side' as people in this section will be able to offer advice and support for what your going through. In the mean time if you fancy a chat we have a European section that you can find here and a social section that you can find here.

Thank you.

 

[Moreaux]

Hey Avernus! I think when you see you're psychiatrist you should tell him what you told us. It seems that you need your medication adjusted. I think you should also consider counseling again as you can benefit from discussing your issues and there are also exercises you can learn that will help you manage stress and anxiety without being totally reliant on medication to help them. Even if your stress and anxiety is "legitimate" and situational, you can still benefit from some management techniques so you can manage it better when you do experience it. Are you planning on discussing the suspected schizophrenia during your next appointment?

 

[Avernus]

Hey Avernus! I think when you see you're psychiatrist you should tell him what you told us. It seems that you need your medication adjusted. I think you should also consider counseling again as you can benefit from discussing your issues and there are also exercises you can learn that will help you manage stress and anxiety without being totally reliant on medication to help them. Even if your stress and anxiety is "legitimate" and situational, you can still benefit from some management techniques so you can manage it better when you do experience it. Are you planning on discussing the suspected schizophrenia during your next appointment?

I was thinking about it but most often when I am with my psychiatrist I am a well presented, polite dude. I don't suffer social anxiety when seeing him, it's a situational thing (peers, lecturers, anyone new) and I really struggle to describe the nature of my paranoia (isolated examples). I don't even trust my best friends half of the time and sometimes assume they're playing songs with the intention of directing the lyrics toward me negatively. I am planning on discussing it with him but it is an incredibly stigmatized disorder...

I just sit here most of the day unable to set myself onto doing the tasks required of me. This is like my last shot at university after resitting a year and I doubt I'm going to see any improvements via therapy in time to meet my already extended deadlines.

I've been waiting a month for this simple appointment. I find counselors to be quite condescending sometimes and that agitates me. I'm hoping the adjustments aren't simply just alternative SSRI's as changing those has proven to be really problematic for me in the past. Citalopram turned me into a demon.

I'm guessing if i was diagnosed with a disorder "greater" than depression I'd receive more support, but mental health support in the UK as a whole I have found to be lacking in my experiences so far. Another one of my friends was institutionalized with psychosis due to spice and I looked upon his follow up "support" (after discharge) as nothing more than patronising.

Benzos for instance are something i'm considering....but the mentioning of such a drug to my psychiatrist and unveiling my knowledge of them is something that might raise red flags for him. It seems when being a mental health patient that drug ignorance is bliss, as far as discussions with specialists are concerned. My self-awareness seems to irritate the majority of counselors i've had and I end up rendering them speechless with my depressive counter-arguments, such self-awareness also makes them think I'm just an anxious, psychological hypochondriac....

Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

Thanks for your response.

 

[cduggles]

Hi Avernus, First of all, you're besieged from all sides right now and believe it or not your brain tells you to stay secluded. It's safe. I hope you take comfort that some of your reactions are normal. However, they are reactions to highly stressful situations and that's where psych meds are neuroprotective.
Benzodiazepines are good as a short- or mid- term solution for anxiety. It sounds like a longer acting one will get you through until learning coping strategies seems feasible.
This might be too much for you right now but there is a phenomenon known as masking. Several of your comments strongly suggest it.
This is from Wiki but it's a good layperson definition.
"Masking is a process in which an individual changes or "masks" their natural personality to conform to social pressures, abuse, and/or harassment. Some examples of masking are a single overly dominant temperament, or humor, two incongruent temperaments, or displaying three of the four main temperaments within the same individual. Masking can be strongly influenced by environmental factors such as authoritarian parents, rejection, and emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. An individual may not even know he or she is wearing a mask because it is a behavior that can take many forms. Masking should not be confused with masking behavior which is to mentally block feelings of suffering as a survival mechanism."
I'm not going to diagnose anything from a post, and masking/masking behavior is complex and not mutually exclusive. But you're description rang some loud bells.
You had a rough start (foundational) and are experiencing a rough time (situational with long-term stressors extra). Tricky.
You really need to break through your presentation to get the help you need (caveat: with the right clinician).
It's so hard but if you don't express the anxiety you feel in other situations (imagine yourself in them or just do what I did and explain you have feelings that scare you but you don't feel them in this environment and work through it that way). If you don't express them they aren't going away. You've likely been groomed your whole life to mask. Unfortunately the feelings you don't express still exist.
Upshot: benzodiazepines for now at least, add coping strategies as you can and stay clean. Pharmaceuticals are far more targeted and clean than illegal drugs. And think about masking/masking behavior. Best of luck.