New member, 72 Hours in to C/T

[LifeTimeAddict]

Hey guys what?s up! So little back story, was a hard IV drug user for about 8 years, after 2 prison bids (got high through pretty much one whole bid). I finally got completely clean. Lasted 3 years, then about a year of only drinking and occasional burning some herbs. I am currently at a high point in my life, even though I?m detoxing. Started my own business which quickly became successful, have a 3 year old, wonderful wife ect.

now here?s where it started to fall apart;
I had occasionally sold some things here n there while clean and it didn?t bother me, until I got ahold of some oxy about 3 months back. I experimented here n there never more than a couple in a night and really spaced out. Then i threw out my back, and hell broke loose. I was quickly snorting 300mg +/- oxy a day. Thank god never went back to IV. After about 3 weeks I knew I had come to far and jumped off cold turkey and was about 3-4 days of pretty rough w/d and right back to work. After about 8-10 days I was back on my game, and then dove face first into it again. Now after 6-7 weeks I weened myself very rapidly only taking 15mg when it was absolutely necessary for 3 days then went cold turkey.

It it hasn?t been terrible but I still feel like ass, no energy ect. Well at 72, actually more like 80 hours in now. I went and took my buddy to get his truck pulled out of the mud, telling him how I felt like shit blah blah blah. Well i get his truck out, and while I?m headed home he texts me saying he left a present in my cup holder. Now I have this blue bitch staring at me. I know in my heart I?m strong enough to take it and not run out looking for more to get high. And i know is feel so much better. But I just want to vent.

think it?ll throw me back to day one of w/d if i take it? I don?t know why I?m asking, cause i think my minds already made up. Just tired of this bullshit, looking forward to going back to work and getting physical and out of this fucking house!

 

[herbavore]

Throw it out the window and keep on track.

You know what's at stake. Pain is just pain--it's not going to kill you. Tylenol and a hit or two of pot works for pain as well as opiates for me.

Let people know you are trying to get clear (hate the word clean so that's my substitute) so they don't leave those kinds of "presents".

You've got a lot to hold onto--a three year old (my favorite age!!), a wife and a business. Stay focused and remind yourself every day what you value.

 

[LifeTimeAddict]

Thank you for the quick response. I do know what’s at stake. And I know it’s time to move on. I need to put all this shit in my rear view and do better for myself and my family. Which is why I told my wife this time. Because I needed some type of accountability you know? I’m blessed to have my daughter, because I get very emotional during withdrawals and tend to cry when i look at her too long. She asks me why I’m crying and I tell her because I feel so horrible that I have not been a good daddy. Her response is always the same. “You are a good daddy, my favorite daddy, and I love you this much” as she stretches her little arms as far as she can. She’s my little savior

 

[Mafioso]

in the long run, one more pill isn't a concern if it really is one more pill. I've been through some pretty rough withdrawals and in some pretty uncomfortable circumstances. To an extent, whatever gets you through is all that matters. I would never detox someone off of high levels of benzos and opiates alone in a jail cell cold turkey, but I made it and have made my life better because of it. Not all bad things have to lead to more bad things.

I've poured thousands in pills into the toilet. The uncomfortable truth is that there is a hell of a lot more where they came from, but those memories do stand out in the fog as defining moments. Even if I went back it was a statement to myself and whoever else cared to listen. It was at least something I could do to demonstrate the understanding of a problem and the need for change.

I have to remind myself daily that I am not the problem but I have a problem. I am not an addict, I have addiction, i have a substance use disorder. Perfection is a painfully impossible goal to strive for. It's hard to smile in the struggle, but learning to appreciate the struggle is half the struggle...

 

[LifeTimeAddict]

in the long run, one more pill isn't a concern if it really is one more pill. I've been through some pretty rough withdrawals and in some pretty uncomfortable circumstances. To an extent, whatever gets you through is all that matters. I would never detox someone off of high levels of benzos and opiates alone in a jail cell cold turkey, but I made it and have made my life better because of it. Not all bad things have to lead to more bad things.

I've poured thousands in pills into the toilet. The uncomfortable truth is that there is a hell of a lot more where they came from, but those memories do stand out in the fog as defining moments. Even if I went back it was a statement to myself and whoever else cared to listen. It was at least something I could do to demonstrate the understanding of a problem and the need for change.

I have to remind myself daily that I am not the problem but I have a problem. I am not an addict, I have addiction, i have a substance use disorder. Perfection is a painfully impossible goal to strive for. It's hard to smile in the struggle, but learning to appreciate the struggle is half the struggle...

Man did I need to hear that. I continue to tell myself I want to feel normal. But I don’t even know what normal is. Even when I was free from all drugs I still chased a high. Buying fast motorcycles , riding dangerously, cars, hookers, anything. I crave the excitement of doing things that tend to be illegal. And the scary part is now I have bond money..

ill give it it to myself I am much smarter, and more cautious than the old me. I have done things with my life that family laughed and talked down to me about when I brought them up. I have 12 felony convictions. Yet here I am in one of the richest cities in the US, handling art and antiques worth more than I’ll probably see in a lifetime. Some of my biggest clients have looked me up and told me they did. But continue to trust me in their homes and around their possessions.

The old me would have already stole a few of these pieces. But at this point I have worked to hard to obtain the position and trust I have now in my life. I almost feel as though my shortcomings with these damn pills is my subconscious playing games with myself, testing the waters. Seeing if I am still the idiot I used to be, and I’m glad to say at this point right now in my life, I am not.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah I was just thinking that myself.. would be nice just to be normal, but the truth is that this is normal. At least for today's society. I've heard that the study with rats and cocaine was repeated in an environment where they could run around with other rats and do "normal" rat things. Unlike in the study where the rats where alone in cages and overdosed, the rats in a community didn't seem to have the same preoccupation and wouldn't overdose.

I think it says a lot about the nature of substance use disorders. Abstinence is just the beginning of treatment. I'm not blaming society but today's fast pace and materialistic values can definitely set someone up for massive failure.

I don't think it's our shortcoming that make things like opioids appealing and addictive. Our brains are designed to reinforce behavior for survival through means of neurotransmitters. People don't often question why someone naturally craves food, sex, or community, but many are confused when people develop a habit of using a drug that stimulates the same areas of the brain. In a sense, it is what we are designed to do, to chase the high in a sense. Maybe not high, but chasing the stimulation. Why does sex feel good? For a lot of the same reasons that heroin does when you boil it down. Neurotransmitters.

Sounds like you have made a serious life change and have done some good for yourself. 3 years is no small feat.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

the truth is normal doesn't exist. There may be a spectrum of cultural norms that you fall somewhere in, but who is anyone to say what "normal" is. Other than proven things like path of least resistance, tend to seek pleasure over pain, and the one you and most of us are missing (or maybe not) is conformity.