New low, need advice

[Mafioso]

chronic benzo relapser and decade long heavy stoner. in my 30's living with family, no legit income except trading shitcoins which isn't a career just a temporary means of income. My skills center around construction, particularly management and the business side as I left the trades to pursue my own business ventures. I'm most marketable as a skilled tradesman at the time being, as I suck at marketing myself and have drug issues that arent as easily overlooked in the field.

Things with family are not good. They are all passive aggressive gossipers on the one side of my family that i actually have contact with. Relationship with dad is abusive, as hes a narcissist and deteriorating with age. Relationship with mom is good on a superficial level but it's come to my attention she speaks poorly behind my back, ruining my business reputation which has destroyed my sales as it was all word of mouth and word spreads quick. To my face she is positive and enouraging, but unwilling to face any of the real issues and only brings up happy distractions to avoid coming to a resolution. To be fair, some of this is justified as i have taken longer to deliver on my promises.

Regardless, I've come to realize the situation i'm in isn't changing for the better and hasn't been for a while. I'm treated like a child so my adult responsibilities i'm given I put off like a child since decision making isn't my job. Living with family has it's benefits, but it is socially very isolating at my age. I see peers buying houses and doing similar type of work, while reaping the reward for their future. Where as I am expected to do the same work minus the reward. Well, ultimately a tiny fraction of that reward. I've reached a point of frustration and unhappiness that I'd rather pay rent than trade work- but of course they are getting the better deal as is so there is no going back on that.

Anyways, to the point, whether stated or not, I've overstayed my welcome with family and it is time to get out on my own. There is not amount of money or work I can do that will restore my reputation in their eyes. THey are judgmental, all the men have left the family and none of the cousins speak if that says anything. I think we both went in with good intentions but as the tale as old as time says where that leads.

So I've got to get my own place and steady work, which is an up hill battle for me with my criminal and work history. I can't just live for others, I need to start building my own life.

I guess I'm just looking for encouragement and suggestions as I relapsed yet again due to all the stress and passive aggresive lies- well, lets be honest, because this is how I know how to cope with emotionally challenging situations. I know I'll be faced with them wherever I go, but most jobs I have I'm treated quite the opposite of at home. I know I have a problem, but I happen to be a functional still and will need to remain so while I find a better spot to recovery.

I'm honestly so lost at this point not sure where to turn.. God isn't for me. I just want to get my own space, away from all the fake fucking lies and smiles and bullshit. I'm considering going off grid while I have the resources to do it if I cna't find a soulless job working long hours out of town. I don't know what other options I have right now. I don't know here my hope went, but I wake up fighting tears and dark thoughts and its not getting better despite how hard i fight.

 

[Robi]

sounds as if youre on the right path to independence and self care, i know how difficult family can be and treasured as well, dont be too hard on yourself, self sabotaging, living with dark thoughts myself and want to use every day, but i wish i could say its gonna be alright, because sometimes its not, but it will get better if yah put the F`n gosh dang hard work into staying cleaner, when i relapsed after internal promises not to buy more drugs,id beat self up and then say f it and get more, learning that how some addicts operate , be good to yourself best you can , try to get stronger cuz you got lots of work to do, and this goes for me as well, struggling hard but i sure feel better and i want this for you, youre having a hard time and your support system sounds harsh

 

[neversickanymore]

What about trying the fellowship idea of always doing the next best thing. Big or little, make the best choice for you. Might take a minute, but by doing this you could reestablish trust and your reputation.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah I need to do something, as much as I dislike about NA, there is a lot I like. I need positive peer pressure to do better, and to not keep giving up. This past week hasn't been good, and all my good/positive friends have already moved on with their life or are equally toxic. I'm not in a terrible spot if I could get my head together and take advantage of the opportunities.

But then I get text like "praying for you", and it's only because I opened up to someone who struggled with similar issues I thought I could trust. What does a text like that even mean.... like I don't hope the best for my family as do pretty much all of us...

God I hate benzos so much. I'm at the point where I'm just going to do what it takes to get whatever job and make sure to smile at christmas. Guess I should be grateful for people that still love and care but I'm not sure I can handle this controlling condecescion or if I'm just being a good junkie.

 

[December Flower]

I'm honestly so lost at this point not sure where to turn.

It sounds so damned clichéd, but the person you need to turn to is yourself. You are the locus of your reality, and all you are and do and think can make or break that reality.

I believe the root of your issue lies in your very moderate feeling of self-worth. I can't really speak for your specific problems, but I've spent a long time hating myself for being on the spectrum. Hated it all, the noise, the migraines, the social interactions, the ticks, you name it.

It was only when I started thanking myself for every step I made in the right direction, and for every bit of happiness I would grant myself, that I got better. Do things you know are good, even if it's just tiny things - for you, for anyone

 

[neversickanymore]

Yeah I need to do something, as much as I dislike about NA, there is a lot I like. I need positive peer pressure to do better, and to not keep giving up. This past week hasn't been good, and all my good/positive friends have already moved on with their life or are equally toxic. I'm not in a terrible spot if I could get my head together and take advantage of the opportunities.

But then I get text like "praying for you", and it's only because I opened up to someone who struggled with similar issues I thought I could trust. What does a text like that even mean.... like I don't hope the best for my family as do pretty much all of us...

God I hate benzos so much. I'm at the point where I'm just going to do what it takes to get whatever job and make sure to smile at christmas. Guess I should be grateful for people that still love and care but I'm not sure I can handle this controlling condecescion or if I'm just being a good junkie.

The praying text only means they are on your side and looking out for you. Just in their way and you don’t need to buy into their belief to see they care about you.

 

[Mafioso]

It sounds so damned clichéd, but the person you need to turn to is yourself. You are the locus of your reality, and all you are and do and think can make or break that reality.

I believe the root of your issue lies in your very moderate feeling of self-worth. I can't really speak for your specific problems, but I've spent a long time hating myself for being on the spectrum. Hated it all, the noise, the migraines, the social interactions, the ticks, you name it.

It was only when I started thanking myself for every step I made in the right direction, and for every bit of happiness I would grant myself, that I got better. Do things you know are good, even if it's just tiny things - for you, for anyone

It's the truth, the problem I guess is either I'm stuck feeling sorry for myself or debating whether it's all worth it. I see where my dad landed, and I unintionally followed in a lot of his footsteps.

I don't really feel much of a sense of self worth as my life has become a series of bearing as much discomfort as possible for work and hedonistic escapism. To the point where I don't even try to make friends or have fun anymore. It seems far riskier than delving into self destructive behaviors.

And I understand that someone saying they're praying for me is verbally expressing concern in a passive way, which is what bugs me. Just say it. say what you're concerned about and if you want to help offer it or don't. All I hear is "you look like a mess and I'm asking god to help". Yeah I'm a cynical bastard right now. I've gotten a lot of anger and sadness that I can't seem to process and I wonder every day if it's a burden worth carrying further. I pray god would give me an easy out so I wouldn't feel like a coward, but I suppose I will keep trying to progress and find healthier ways of procesing these emotions.

 

[negrogesic]

What role do benzos play in all of this, out of curiosity?

 

[xaddictx]

Do you have any pets? Cats & dogs can be quite comforting and I consider them to be a kind of therapy. They never judge you or talk shit behind your back. You'd have to be a real abusive asshole for them not to show you unconditional love and affection.

Also don't get one from a breeder. Always rescue!

You got that right. Only a heartless dickhead would not accept the love of a cat or dog. And God help you if I caught someone harming an animal.

 

[Mafioso]

What role do benzos play in all of this, out of curiosity?

Aside from the fact I relapsed on benzos, I guess you're guess is good as mine.

 

[Robi]

Aside from the fact I relapsed on benzos, I guess you're guess is good as mine.

hey how you feeling right now, not so much curiosity, just true concern

 

[Mafioso]

Not very good. I catch myself causally planning the final details of my exit. I wake up thinking about it. I stroll through a few more pages of darkness in my head as the sun starts to come up. I try reading, working out, working. My mood gets better but soon I've slipped back into catastrophizing and i'm planning again. I feel less and less personable, less and less positive emotions. I struggle to laugh at things i normally find funny. I feel like i'm just holding on to hold on.

thanks for asking.

 

[All the tacos]

chronic benzo relapser and decade long heavy stoner. in my 30's living with family, no legit income except trading shitcoins which isn't a career just a temporary means of income. My skills center around construction, particularly management and the business side as I left the trades to pursue my own business ventures. I'm most marketable as a skilled tradesman at the time being, as I suck at marketing myself and have drug issues that arent as easily overlooked in the field.

Things with family are not good. They are all passive aggressive gossipers on the one side of my family that i actually have contact with. Relationship with dad is abusive, as hes a narcissist and deteriorating with age. Relationship with mom is good on a superficial level but it's come to my attention she speaks poorly behind my back, ruining my business reputation which has destroyed my sales as it was all word of mouth and word spreads quick. To my face she is positive and enouraging, but unwilling to face any of the real issues and only brings up happy distractions to avoid coming to a resolution. To be fair, some of this is justified as i have taken longer to deliver on my promises.

Regardless, I've come to realize the situation i'm in isn't changing for the better and hasn't been for a while. I'm treated like a child so my adult responsibilities i'm given I put off like a child since decision making isn't my job. Living with family has it's benefits, but it is socially very isolating at my age. I see peers buying houses and doing similar type of work, while reaping the reward for their future. Where as I am expected to do the same work minus the reward. Well, ultimately a tiny fraction of that reward. I've reached a point of frustration and unhappiness that I'd rather pay rent than trade work- but of course they are getting the better deal as is so there is no going back on that.

Anyways, to the point, whether stated or not, I've overstayed my welcome with family and it is time to get out on my own. There is not amount of money or work I can do that will restore my reputation in their eyes. THey are judgmental, all the men have left the family and none of the cousins speak if that says anything. I think we both went in with good intentions but as the tale as old as time says where that leads.

So I've got to get my own place and steady work, which is an up hill battle for me with my criminal and work history. I can't just live for others, I need to start building my own life.

I guess I'm just looking for encouragement and suggestions as I relapsed yet again due to all the stress and passive aggresive lies- well, lets be honest, because this is how I know how to cope with emotionally challenging situations. I know I'll be faced with them wherever I go, but most jobs I have I'm treated quite the opposite of at home. I know I have a problem, but I happen to be a functional still and will need to remain so while I find a better spot to recovery.

I'm honestly so lost at this point not sure where to turn.. God isn't for me. I just want to get my own space, away from all the fake fucking lies and smiles and bullshit. I'm considering going off grid while I have the resources to do it if I cna't find a soulless job working long hours out of town. I don't know what other options I have right now. I don't know here my hope went, but I wake up fighting tears and dark thoughts and its not getting better despite how hard i fight.

I feel for you. You just described what i was going through with my family while living in colorado before i came back to my home state.
Family is the hardest to deal with. They have seen our capabilities and our destruction. Most of the time all they remember is the destruction because thats where their pain lies. They are hardest on us because they have also seen our capabilities and cant understand why we keep going back to the old destructive ways. Like you using is the only way i knew how to cope ever since i was introduced to meth. It would make all the anxiety go away and i didnt have to think about all the pain i caused others. Until i came down and the guilt would chase me back into using and the cycle continues.
My suggestion is surrounded yourself with positive things as much as possible. Positive music. Angery or sad music will only keep you sad or angery. Do little things like making sure to hold the door open for the next person walking into a store. Once you train your brain to accept those positive things it becomes easier and you will eventually start feeling better about yourself. Dont beat yourself up when having a bad day and understand that there will more than likely be fuckups. Take the loss and keep moving foward.