Lightning-Nl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2012
- Messages
- 1,245
I never put much though into it until just now. I feel incredibly safe in my bathroom.
For years, my hiding spot whenever I feel afraid has been to go hide in my bathroom. Sit on the toilet, then the floor, and just....do nothing. Literally, I just sit here and do nothing - let my thoughts flow free, good or bad. But either way, I decide. What ever I'm feeling, I can let myself feel in my bathroom. Why is this? Well I think I know why.
My bathroom is totally private. There is a lock on the door. No one can get in but me, but I can let myself out if I want to...when I'm ready. In here it's just me - Zeke. No one else, just Zeke. There's no one to criticize me, no one to hold a grudge against me - there's no expectations in here. Only I'm here - it feels very safe. I don't have to look over my shoulder, I can see everything around me. Nothing is here but me. It's like a form of dissociation. Except, I'm literally removing myself from the world - not only mentally, but physically too.
It's kind of like Ativan, but in a literal sense. The lock and the key are both very important. The door is locked, so nothing can get in - but I have the key, so I can let myself out at anytime. I guess, maybe it's a sense of safety (the lock) and the key is a sense of control? I can control what happens and when I need a break from the world - I have the lock. When I need a break from myself, I have the key. The Ativan helps in a very similar way. But it's like cheating this situation. I can feel in control, while not inside my bathroom. Wait that's it! When I don't feel in control, I go to my bathroom - I dissociate from the world because I'm scared. When I let myself out is when is when I feel scared of myself. The dissociation is the lock, the Ativan is the key to that lock. Well what does ativan represent? Hmm.....
You know what's even more strange? I feel safer if I'm naked. Weird right? I know you automatically probably think I'm jacking off while in here (which I do sometimes, but that's beside the point) but no, I don't. I just sit here totally naked. It's like the bathroom is totally safe, and removing my cloths removes all the truamatizing expectations of the world. There's no external fear in here, no external shame or anger - it's all me. When I do this, my emotions "fill up" the room. It's like "breathing room". Just personal space. A moment that is totally mine, where I can be myself. There's no lie in here because I can't lie to myself. There's no need to lie to myself! There's no expectations to meet! Because I can be totally honest with myself, I can make very important insights about myself. I'm also pretty sure it's increased my intelligence as well.
I kinda lost my train of thought on the rest of this. Lemme come back to this later.
For years, my hiding spot whenever I feel afraid has been to go hide in my bathroom. Sit on the toilet, then the floor, and just....do nothing. Literally, I just sit here and do nothing - let my thoughts flow free, good or bad. But either way, I decide. What ever I'm feeling, I can let myself feel in my bathroom. Why is this? Well I think I know why.
My bathroom is totally private. There is a lock on the door. No one can get in but me, but I can let myself out if I want to...when I'm ready. In here it's just me - Zeke. No one else, just Zeke. There's no one to criticize me, no one to hold a grudge against me - there's no expectations in here. Only I'm here - it feels very safe. I don't have to look over my shoulder, I can see everything around me. Nothing is here but me. It's like a form of dissociation. Except, I'm literally removing myself from the world - not only mentally, but physically too.
It's kind of like Ativan, but in a literal sense. The lock and the key are both very important. The door is locked, so nothing can get in - but I have the key, so I can let myself out at anytime. I guess, maybe it's a sense of safety (the lock) and the key is a sense of control? I can control what happens and when I need a break from the world - I have the lock. When I need a break from myself, I have the key. The Ativan helps in a very similar way. But it's like cheating this situation. I can feel in control, while not inside my bathroom. Wait that's it! When I don't feel in control, I go to my bathroom - I dissociate from the world because I'm scared. When I let myself out is when is when I feel scared of myself. The dissociation is the lock, the Ativan is the key to that lock. Well what does ativan represent? Hmm.....
You know what's even more strange? I feel safer if I'm naked. Weird right? I know you automatically probably think I'm jacking off while in here (which I do sometimes, but that's beside the point) but no, I don't. I just sit here totally naked. It's like the bathroom is totally safe, and removing my cloths removes all the truamatizing expectations of the world. There's no external fear in here, no external shame or anger - it's all me. When I do this, my emotions "fill up" the room. It's like "breathing room". Just personal space. A moment that is totally mine, where I can be myself. There's no lie in here because I can't lie to myself. There's no need to lie to myself! There's no expectations to meet! Because I can be totally honest with myself, I can make very important insights about myself. I'm also pretty sure it's increased my intelligence as well.
I kinda lost my train of thought on the rest of this. Lemme come back to this later.
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