need to get over drugs, dont think i ever will

[matisayu]

hi everyone. i have not used bluelight for a long time. i am young, probably one of the younger ones that use this sight. in fact, i am still in high school. over the past 1.5 years i have struggled with cocaine addiction as well as meth usage, molly, etc. through significant use i feel i have aged a lot. im sure a lot of people feel this way sometimes. college is coming pretty soon and with that i feel i should get over this shit. i want to work internationally someday and do successful things, but i know thats not possible if the center of my life continues to be getting high. with that said, im not over any of this shit. i want to party more and blow more lines and get higher, etc. i want to get fucked. i havent done heroin but ive been interested in that for a while too. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me to be honest. some people do drugs because of peer pressure, etc, but i dont have any excuses. (i am probably even causing peer pressure sometimes). anyway, you guys are probably a lot older than me and with that comes knowledge and shit so any advice would be great. thanks.

 

[Moreaux]

hi everyone. i have not used bluelight for a long time. i am young, probably one of the younger ones that use this sight. in fact, i am still in high school. over the past 1.5 years i have struggled with cocaine addiction as well as meth usage, molly, etc. through significant use i feel i have aged a lot. im sure a lot of people feel this way sometimes. college is coming pretty soon and with that i feel i should get over this shit. i want to work internationally someday and do successful things, but i know thats not possible if the center of my life continues to be getting high. with that said, im not over any of this shit. i want to party more and blow more lines and get higher, etc. i want to get fucked. i havent done heroin but ive been interested in that for a while too. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me to be honest. some people do drugs because of peer pressure, etc, but i dont have any excuses. (i am probably even causing peer pressure sometimes). anyway, you guys are probably a lot older than me and with that comes knowledge and shit so any advice would be great. thanks.

Sorry my reply is so late, I just saw this thread. My best advice to you is to quit now. Talk to your parents or a trusted adult and tell them what is going on, and have them help you see a therapist. You need to figure out what is driving you to use, and resolve those issues. You also need to learn valid stress coping mechanisms such as cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation. My use started in high school, and continued on well past university. I found it really difficult to do school, work, and party so I slacked off in school. I ended up changing majors to something useless just to accommodate my lifestyle. Originally I was pursuing an undergraduate in biology, but switch to philosophy because I didn't want to spend time studying, and now I have a useless degree.

I think it's great that you want to get healthy before university, and that you acknowledge that this is a problem. That increases your chance for success. If for some reason you can't quit before university, soberly consider postponing higher education until you can quit, so you don't rack up a lot of debt and possibly get a degree you really don't want. Good luck!

 

[Cdkman]

Don't do opiates If u are struggling with self medicating with other drugs..only advice I can give on the topic

 

[badfish45]

First off there is nothing wrong with you. Humans function in a state of disease, in whatever form that may come in, addiction is part of who we are, good or bad. You are who you are, and you made the decisions that you did for a reason, and the only way to look is forward.

Speaking from the standpoint of just recently starting college 2 years ago, it's a lot harder to function on drugs as an adult compared to youth when you might have considerably less responsibilities, though I can't speak for your situation. I think it's great you are trying to get clean but you need to understand that you have significantly altered your brain at a key point in its development and it will be harder to quit and makes you prone to relapse and moving on to other drugs. Like I said, I can't speak for your situation, but generally this is true.

I think you need help, in whatever form that may be. Are you open with your family about your drug use? From personal experience that is the best route to take if it is possible, as hopefully they will understand and try to help you. You owe it to yourself to keep yourself healthy, you're about to enter a pretty important part in your life and you shouldn't make it any harder than it has to be. You don't deserve to suffer from this. Whoever you feel like now you will not feel like in a few more years, later.

You don't have to do drugs your whole life, I think you will find there are many other rewarding ways to spend your time...do you have any hobbies or dreams that drugs keep you away from? You should use those to motivate you and replace drugs. Long term gratification from creating art or succeeding in anything or playing a sport etc is more difficult to obtain but more rewarding than short term gratification from drugs, food, sex, etc. Not that those don't have a purpose, but when you let these vices consume you is when they are an issue because you don't make anything better out of your life with them! Drug addicts are wired towards short term pleasure so you will need to "exercise" your mind, if you will, towards being more productive, healthy and enjoyable things for your mind.

Also, exercise and meditation are great. Exercise naturally releases endorphins and can replace the "empty" feeling one might have when quitting due to a lack of chemical induced dopamine production. The poor health of an addict's body/mind is a great cause of suffering so you should do your best to take care of both and keep them healthy to aid in your recovery. Meditation is also a great practice for anyone, and I suggest you take it up as a more healthy coping mechanism, I think you will find a lot of benefit out of it. Remember, you're just human. The brain is a very...perplexing organ. We often have the illusion of control over it, but it really functions similar to other organs in your body, though quite different as well.

Anyway, all I'm trying to say is be patient with yourself and keep moving forward, work hard, and get help, open up to your loved ones and just know this will get better! I wish you the best of luck

 

[matisayu]

I wish you the best of luck

thank all three of you, i appreciate the replies. i was starting to think i was alone on this. well. when i think of my life, i dont think it will be long. or successful. i know i have the choice to make it anything it can be. but i feel that some people are just kind of destined to be a certain way. they're kinda wired like that. i will not tell any adult of my addictions. i forget if i mentioned it but i also sold coke and all for a long while but stopped, no one found out. my parents expect great things from me. to give you a feel of my life, i live in a big house with easy going parents and everything should be fine. i just binged benzos for four days straight and i think this is the saddest i have ever been. your comments helped though. like you said, drug addicts are wired to short term pleasure. i am exactly that. but is it really bad? cant some people just be that way? on one end im satisfied with letting myself go and eventually dying.. on the other hand people put responsibilities on me that i feel i must uphold. i don't know if college is even the way i want to go, but i don't see any other options. you guys seem to know so much more. i wonder how you do? is it just experience of being alive? i feel very lost.

i also realized i do not have any friends. all of my friends, of both genders, are kinda just unreliable. they do not see when i reach out, need help. this has really put me in a loop of sadness. i do meditate though. i love nature. trees and stuff. it does help a lot. oh yeah, and i smoke a lot of cigs. do you guys? do you recommend i stop? im kinda done with everything right now. sometimes you just gotta disappear.

 

[badfish45]

I'm no more knowledgeable than yourself I just have the benefit of looking into your life from the other side. Like I said, you are young and your mind won't always be this way and I find you will value your life in the end and thus shouldn't destroy it now.

And yes humans are wired towards short term pleasure. But I think those who truly get something out of life have to work hard to achieve those other goals such as running a business or learning an instrument or getting in shape. It's hard for your mind to see that as worthwhile but I can promise long term goals will pay off if you wish to put the work in to achieve them.

And again I strongly urge honesty with your parents. They understand you are young and will make mistakes, at least I hope. You have caught yourself at an ideal time by deciding to try to quit, but I think you need professional help, and beyond that an open and honest relationship. I know you don't think you have a lot of friends but I hope your parents if they love you have the best in mind for you and will understand that you're human and have made a mistake.

You don't have to be perfect man. I regret forcing myself into a lifestyle that has made me unhappy (school mainly for me). Really take some time easing into your adult life, choose what will make you happy (it's not money probably).

But I can't tell you what you can and can't do or shouldn't do. I think drugs and cigs and alcohol all hurt your body and mind and it seems like you know this is right too. Your strong desire to keep using drugs despite these consequences is because of how drugs changed your brain, so know quitting will help you. You have to be ready, and honest with yourself and if you are neither than it will be difficult to succeed.

 

[simco]

OP, with total respect, there's one thing you wrote that I'd recommend thinking about a little more. In your last post above, you wrote drug addicts are wired to short term pleasure.

Don't sell yourself short! A lot of recovery folks will tell you stuff like this... once an addict always an addict is what you often hear.

But in my experience, people use drugs as a prop, a way to cope with issues in their lives that are hard to address directly, rather than due to some moral deficiency. Addicts don't get better by willing themselves away from their native moral shortcomings. We get better by learning what's driving us to use and figuring out how to handle that stuff in less damaging ways.

What all this boils down to is what several other folks have already suggested: I'd try to find a *good* psychotherapist who you trust and who will really listen to you.

Best luck!

 

[matisayu]

hey guys. your comments have made me do a lot of thinking that i guess i was avoiding for a while. i think im just really indecisive. in the position im in right now, i can't speak to a therapist without revealing lots of things that need to be kept secret. my dealing is kind of on and off and i could still get in trouble if i revealed certain things to my parents. they are the type to get the cops involved. i really need some help here and you guys are the only ones i can turn to.

so i might be like bipolar as fuck or something because ive got a lot of different sides that i want to do. i've always wanted to go into international studies and eventually work for the government or something along those lines. on the other hand i've been looking into the military for quite some time, and i think that would straighten myself out. i think of these opportunities as something positive but then there's another side of me that just says why the fuck does any of it matter? like everyone is saying coke is bad, etc. well why? no one cares if i end my life doing this shit. sure, they'll act like they care, but down the road they'll forget. everyone forgets. i can't find a balance between doing this shit long term (decades) and living life normally.

i've felt stuck out of the loop for a while. the loop of "hey kid, youre gonna go do this and make ok money, live a happy life. have tons of friends. etc" but i dont feel like thats me. i feel like im the kind to just load up on drugs and disappear someday. or maybe go to a foreign country and just disappear. im kinda high so i cant sort out my thoughts. do you guys even get me at all or am i crazy to you? do you get this whole loop thing im talking about? i dont feel like its for me. are some people just wired to be a certain way no matter what? theres no hope?... thanks for helping me out so far though. i probably seem like a self centered teenager that needs to get over himself (lol), but really guys. i feel fucked.

 

[Erikmen]

First off there is nothing wrong with you. Humans function in a state of disease, in whatever form that may come in, addiction is part of who we are, good or bad. You are who you are, and you made the decisions that you did for a reason, and the only way to look is forward.

Speaking from the standpoint of just recently starting college 2 years ago, it's a lot harder to function on drugs as an adult compared to youth when you might have considerably less responsibilities, though I can't speak for your situation. I think it's great you are trying to get clean but you need to understand that you have significantly altered your brain at a key point in its development and it will be harder to quit and makes you prone to relapse and moving on to other drugs. Like I said, I can't speak for your situation, but generally this is true.

I think you need help, in whatever form that may be. Are you open with your family about your drug use? From personal experience that is the best route to take if it is possible, as hopefully they will understand and try to help you. You owe it to yourself to keep yourself healthy, you're about to enter a pretty important part in your life and you shouldn't make it any harder than it has to be. You don't deserve to suffer from this. Whoever you feel like now you will not feel like in a few more years, later.

You don't have to do drugs your whole life, I think you will find there are many other rewarding ways to spend your time...do you have any hobbies or dreams that drugs keep you away from? You should use those to motivate you and replace drugs. Long term gratification from creating art or succeeding in anything or playing a sport etc is more difficult to obtain but more rewarding than short term gratification from drugs, food, sex, etc. Not that those don't have a purpose, but when you let these vices consume you is when they are an issue because you don't make anything better out of your life with them! Drug addicts are wired towards short term pleasure so you will need to "exercise" your mind, if you will, towards being more productive, healthy and enjoyable things for your mind.

Also, exercise and meditation are great. Exercise naturally releases endorphins and can replace the "empty" feeling one might have when quitting due to a lack of chemical induced dopamine production. The poor health of an addict's body/mind is a great cause of suffering so you should do your best to take care of both and keep them healthy to aid in your recovery. Meditation is also a great practice for anyone, and I suggest you take it up as a more healthy coping mechanism, I think you will find a lot of benefit out of it. Remember, you're just human. The brain is a very...perplexing organ. We often have the illusion of control over it, but it really functions similar to other organs in your body, though quite different as well.

Anyway, all I'm trying to say is be patient with yourself and keep moving forward, work hard, and get help, open up to your loved ones and just know this will get better! I wish you the best of luck

I think this is perfect. I have nothing to add other than reinforce that you need to open up with you family and get help the soonest possible. Being an young adult and even older and use drugs sucks. It ruined my life in so many ways and I kept restarting.

My best therapy was towards getting myself as busy as I could possibly be. And that aligned to therapy can work.
Do it now!

 

[Erikmen]

Don't sell yourself short! A lot of recovery folks will tell you stuff like this... once an addict always an addict is what you often hear.

But in my experience, people use drugs as a prop, a way to cope with issues in their lives that are hard to address directly, rather than due to some moral deficiency. Addicts don't get better by willing themselves away from their native moral shortcomings. We get better by learning what's driving us to use and figuring out how to handle that stuff in less damaging ways.

What all this boils down to is what several other folks have already suggested: I'd try to find a *good* psychotherapist who you trust and who will really listen to you.

Best luck!

Right own.
I missed this thread so I hope you are doing alright @matisayu.
How are you now?

 

[AnnaBanana333]

Hey man,

I totally understand. My parents are and will always be square. They had super high expectations for me, and yelled at me when I got mugged studying in a law library.

I also understand the not fitting in to a set mold. Here is the thing I loved about my high school: we had all different types, jocks, nerds, drama people, etc, but in my particular year, all the kids were a mix of things, so people didn't get labeled, or stuck into a category. I know this is an anomaly; the other grades were not like us. We ALL hung out together, liked and respected each other, over 300 of us. When I went to college (didn't want to; couldn't picture myself there, thought military was for me, and I'm female; or thought maybe business school), I had the opportunity to define myself.

The thing is, as we grow up, we can have all different aspects of ourselves.

My my advice to you is to find counseling that is aimed at teenagers, someone who understands you are making critical decisions in your life and how a teenage brain works, that is private. I used to volunteer at such a place. It was sponsored by our town. If you think your parents could handle "I would like to talk to someone about the stress I'm under", that would be awesome, but my parents don't believe in therapy. My brother told them that he was an addict (cocaine), and they told him they would pray it away...

Hang in there, dude.

 

[cj]

You sound so much like me towards the end of high school. I strongly advise you to quit using serotonin dumping drugs like MDMA, LSD, Shrooms. Over user use of those drugs have caused me life long depression. The fact that you are thinking of trying heroin is a really big red flag to me that you are not just using drugs to "party". You are self medicating. Your best chance is to see a therapist and talk openly about whatever happened to you that is driving you to self medicate.

I was sexually abused as a kid which led to my self medicating. I got addicted to coke but told myself I was just partying. Quitting the coke was easy I just started doing Molly and tripping all the time. Throw in weed everyday and some benzos occasionally and I was self medicated pretty well. That worked for awhile I made it to college but the tripping and rolling took its toll and I was so depressed the first time I tried heroin I was off to the races. That was 7 years ago and I am just now putting the shattered pieces of my life back together. It was bad and ill just leave it at that. Oh and the best part the heroin stopped helping my depression shortly after I became physically addicted.

But anyway now that my hypocritical anti- heroin rant is over. I am not saying you never can use drugs again. I am just warning you that using drugs to self medicate depression or anxiety any mental health issue really. Start seeing a therapist and try to figure out what is driving that need to be constantly altered by drugs. you can still turn this around before it gets ugly and still have your fun in the process. Its win win.

 

[Jabberwocky]

But in my experience, people use drugs as a prop, a way to cope with issues in their lives that are hard to address directly, rather than due to some moral deficiency. Addicts don't get better by willing themselves away from their native moral shortcomings. We get better by learning what's driving us to use and figuring out how to handle that stuff in less damaging ways.

This^^

 

[BluInTheHorizon]

I hate to break it to you, but if you're talking like that you aren't going to get over it... and its just going to be worse... especially since you said you're thinking about trying heroin...

I think you're still in this party phase... and it will fade out, but unfortunately unless you have some really strong will-power, and awesome things that will distract you and would be to hard to do drugs..the phase will come back..

I was living like I was 21 when I was 16..why? I don't fucking know, I just wanted some fun and a new cool crowd to hang with, I just got deeper as the years went on...

But shockingly a couple years after I graduated I stopped doing all the hard stuff and club drugs, just weed. That was three years ago..

Then recently I enrolled in college, first sem. went okay then I started to get stressed and picked up adderall, started free-basing coke after I took up an extra class...
now I ruined my 2 year streak from meth and smoked that a few times...

it sucks, and it bites...that it comes back but you'll get through it, just say to yourself, drugs are always going to be around...they aren't going anywhere.
Just focus on your priorities and live it up on the weekends...cuz thats what a responsible drug user does

if you quit cold turkey...be prepared for the dope dreams. When I say dope in this context I mean anything.. it will happen.


*sorry for the lack of grammar and words like these. I'm speeding.

 

[Cdkman]

How are u doing? And u are not crazy I am 28 and I was just like u in my late teens..I would go from knowing what I wanted,doubting myself and what I want to do,then get high because I felt so lost..rinse repeat..the loop

 

[Erikmen]

I hate to break it to you, but if you're talking like that you aren't going to get over it... and its just going to be worse... especially since you said you're thinking about trying heroin...

I think you're still in this party phase... and it will fade out, but unfortunately unless you have some really strong will-power, and awesome things that will distract you and would be to hard to do drugs..the phase will come back..

I was living like I was 21 when I was 16..why? I don't fucking know, I just wanted some fun and a new cool crowd to hang with, I just got deeper as the years went on...

Just focus on your priorities and live it up on the weekends...cuz thats what a responsible drug user does.

I don't think that at this point you can simply leave drugs for the weekends. That won't solve the problem at all imo.
It will just prolong it. And that's not being responsible at all. I'll disagree with you on that one because most people who is now living through hell trying to quit drugs has started like this.

Besides, when you have it in mind that using at weekends is okay that will soon make you start using on Fridays and on holidays. Maybe one exception here other there.

That can work for a short period of time but eventually it will drive you to be an everyday drug user the sooner than you expect. I tell this from my experience and from watching people falling for that all the time.

 

[Moreaux]

thank all three of you, i appreciate the replies. i was starting to think i was alone on this. well. when i think of my life, i dont think it will be long. or successful. i know i have the choice to make it anything it can be. but i feel that some people are just kind of destined to be a certain way. they're kinda wired like that. i will not tell any adult of my addictions. i forget if i mentioned it but i also sold coke and all for a long while but stopped, no one found out. my parents expect great things from me. to give you a feel of my life, i live in a big house with easy going parents and everything should be fine. i just binged benzos for four days straight and i think this is the saddest i have ever been. your comments helped though. like you said, drug addicts are wired to short term pleasure. i am exactly that. but is it really bad? cant some people just be that way? on one end im satisfied with letting myself go and eventually dying.. on the other hand people put responsibilities on me that i feel i must uphold. i don't know if college is even the way i want to go, but i don't see any other options. you guys seem to know so much more. i wonder how you do? is it just experience of being alive? i feel very lost.

i also realized i do not have any friends. all of my friends, of both genders, are kinda just unreliable. they do not see when i reach out, need help. this has really put me in a loop of sadness. i do meditate though. i love nature. trees and stuff. it does help a lot. oh yeah, and i smoke a lot of cigs. do you guys? do you recommend i stop? im kinda done with everything right now. sometimes you just gotta disappear.

The irony of life, when you're young you have all the answers, as you age you feel like you have no answers, but more wisdom. Don't rule anything out yet, you have youth on your side. I'm not a stereotype addict - growing up my father was a very successful high ranking military officer. We always had a big house, nice cars, a large boat, etc. when we vacationed we had a driver and a police escort. My parents imposed few rules, however, it was expected that I be a success. I always had that pressure, I still do and I'm almost 40, and my parents went through my addiction and recovery with me. I'm sure most people would consider me successful - I have a nice new house on a golf course at the beach, more cars than people living in my house, etc. I feel as though I'm failing because my career is stagnant- drugs rendered me stupid so I have to relearn my trade (software developer), however, I do have a stress free job in a gorgeous building in the downtown district on the water. I think growing up with luxury desensitized me to luxury, so I am not satisfied with normal. Having a very successful parent raised the bar by which I define success. In short, I think my standards and the the standards I measure myself against are unrealistic to the average person, but since that ha always been my lifestyle, anything less is failure, and I sense you are in a similar situation. One thing I have learned is that at some point, you have to quit riding yourself so hard. Your parent's aspirations for your life are just that - THIER aspirations, not necessarily yours. You have to determine your own definition for success, and what that means to YOU. Ultimately, success should be measured by happiness and satisfaction. Figure out what would bring meaning and fullfilment to your life and create a plan to obtain it. The deeper you get into drugs, the less satisfying and fulfilling life will be, and the lower your self confidence will go. Drugs are a bandaid for a hurt in your soul. Find out what ails you, and determine a solution, and drugs will no longer preoccupy you. I think deep down you know what you need to do, you just need to find the courage and motivation to take those first few steps. I have faith that you will do this, and I see bright things in your future. Don't be afraid to be your own person.

 

[Erikmen]

^^ "Drugs are a bandaid for a hurt in your soul. Find out what ails you, and determine a solution, and drugs will no longer preoccupy you. I think deep down you know what you need to do, you just need to find the courage and motivation to take those first few steps. I have faith that you will do this, and I see bright things in your future. Don't be afraid to be your own person."


​You are certainly right about that.

 

[MrRoot]

I hope this young fella is ok (well atleast in a level any addict can be while using). Please chime in if you are still reading this forum. I truly hope you can get help instead of trying to cope with your issues on your own.

For me it sounds like you are going through huge pressures and can't stand with them on your shoulders and you rely on drugs to be able to stand with those pressures.

Using drugs isn't mandatory. We all decide to use drug or not. It isn't mandatory either to try to live on how your parents think.

I read behind the lines that your parents want you to go to university, get good grades and behave in a way they do or how they find ideal to live. I had to deal woth those kind of issues too and decided that I have to build my own life instead of trying to live how my parents expected me to live.

I skipped university and went to army (it is mandatory here) and stayed as an instructor for six month after doing my normal serving time in army and them decided I could help others by serving as peace keeper. Did that for few years in Afghanistan but that ended because we gor hit by an improvised explosive device while patrolling woth our cars. Got a spinal injury and had to stop serving which lead "some" problems with painkillers.

Luckily I am now pain free because the last surgery which fixed my back and now I am tapering off from 140mg daily use of oxycodone and some recreational use.

Heck I am even studying in the university after this "different" route in my live Atleast I don't have to pay for going to university as it is free here and I get veteran salary too...

 

[Erikmen]

Drugs are never going to be the solution. It's a temporary solution to a permanent problem IMO.
All the best to everyone! Keep in mind to always stay away from opiates, unless you are in pain and have it prescribed by a doctor.
Which will never be the case for H.