So I'm still kind of riled up/emotional about this situation, and I will fully admit that I may be in the wrong on this one, but I need perspective. Bit much tmi, but necessary
I got a vasectomy a while back, and I have to go get tested to see if it worked. I have to drop off a sample to the vasectomy clinic to be tested. My girlfriend and I were in the car, and we were joking about having to drop off a sample, and kind of how weird the whole thing is.
Here is my first mess up. We were discussing my tight time frame, as I was dropping her off for something, had an hour to drive back home, produce a sample, drive to the clinic, and drive to get her. It was an extremely tight time frame. I promise this was on my mind, and the only reason I said this, but I said "good thing I have my phone charged" This was said in regards to the time frame, as I was thinking of how much time I had, and how I can use my GPS to find out how much drive time there is between places. My phone was close to dying before we left.
This was taken to mean, "good thing I have my phone charged so I can look at porn". My statement got a short laugh, and a question of "how do you do that" aka look at porn.
Sensing nothing wrong, I explained it was just scrolling until you see something you like, and then you click on related things, and so on and so forth.
She then said her feelings were hurt. I was a bit confused, as everything had seemed ok, the mood was fine and I think I pick up on moods decently (apparently not). She said that what I had said maid her feel disrespected.
We drove home, because her appointment was actually later, and we talked. She said she had tried to clue me in she was hurt with her "how do you do that" statement.
I apologized and said I can see how my statements made he feel like I valued porn over her, and were crude and disrespectful. I do see that, not an issue there.
Where there is a bit of an issue for me, and where I need perspective, is that she said in our talk that I brought up charging my phone to watch porn, and that I feel it's ok to be disrespectful due to that. I promise I didn't say that in regards to porn, but I feel like not matter what, it doesn't matter what I intended.
It feels like, if she thinks that's why I said or did something, there is no convincing her otherwise, and trying to say that's not why I did or said something always makes it worse, it seems it feels like I'm trying to get out of trouble to here, or like I'm just fighting her over it.
I feel intent does matter, and what I said did hurt her feelings, and I acknowledge that, but I also feel it is very unfair to say I absolutely did something for a reason, when I did it for another reason, and then give me no room to explain why I did something. It feels very "you can't say otherwise or you are fighting me"
The second big thing is that I feel her saying she tried to clue me in by saying "how do you do that" is poor communication, and honestly a bit like revision to defend her feelings. Imo, in no way could anyone have taken that as a clue she was hurt by what she said, and from the laugh before, and the lack of tone in which she said it, I had no possibility of knowing she was feeling hurt. It just does not add up, and I'm usually pretty good at picking up tones and facial cues. It feels like it all went to "I'm hurt" out of nowhere.
And perhaps I did miss the tone, but I still feel trying to hint at something, especially by what she said, is poor communication, and without the tone that I apparently missed I still would have not picked up on any hurt feelings.
I did fail her because I should have known not to go into detail, because she has been sensitive to the porn topic before. I don't watch porn anymore because it was a boundary she set, and im fine with that. I guess I thought she was seriously asking, again because I didn't pick up on her cues, so that's why I went into slight detail.
This whole thing is a ridiculous scenario, which is why I'm asking for outside perspective. I know I could have said things with more tact, and been more aware of what I was saying, and also critically thought about her feelings about porn before I spoke. Imo, I am fault.
However, there are also parts of this that are outright ridiculous, and it feels that side of things I am sort of being forced to be ok with because otherwise it is perceived as just causing conflict.
Please help
I got a vasectomy a while back, and I have to go get tested to see if it worked. I have to drop off a sample to the vasectomy clinic to be tested. My girlfriend and I were in the car, and we were joking about having to drop off a sample, and kind of how weird the whole thing is.
Here is my first mess up. We were discussing my tight time frame, as I was dropping her off for something, had an hour to drive back home, produce a sample, drive to the clinic, and drive to get her. It was an extremely tight time frame. I promise this was on my mind, and the only reason I said this, but I said "good thing I have my phone charged" This was said in regards to the time frame, as I was thinking of how much time I had, and how I can use my GPS to find out how much drive time there is between places. My phone was close to dying before we left.
This was taken to mean, "good thing I have my phone charged so I can look at porn". My statement got a short laugh, and a question of "how do you do that" aka look at porn.
Sensing nothing wrong, I explained it was just scrolling until you see something you like, and then you click on related things, and so on and so forth.
She then said her feelings were hurt. I was a bit confused, as everything had seemed ok, the mood was fine and I think I pick up on moods decently (apparently not). She said that what I had said maid her feel disrespected.
We drove home, because her appointment was actually later, and we talked. She said she had tried to clue me in she was hurt with her "how do you do that" statement.
I apologized and said I can see how my statements made he feel like I valued porn over her, and were crude and disrespectful. I do see that, not an issue there.
Where there is a bit of an issue for me, and where I need perspective, is that she said in our talk that I brought up charging my phone to watch porn, and that I feel it's ok to be disrespectful due to that. I promise I didn't say that in regards to porn, but I feel like not matter what, it doesn't matter what I intended.
It feels like, if she thinks that's why I said or did something, there is no convincing her otherwise, and trying to say that's not why I did or said something always makes it worse, it seems it feels like I'm trying to get out of trouble to here, or like I'm just fighting her over it.
I feel intent does matter, and what I said did hurt her feelings, and I acknowledge that, but I also feel it is very unfair to say I absolutely did something for a reason, when I did it for another reason, and then give me no room to explain why I did something. It feels very "you can't say otherwise or you are fighting me"
The second big thing is that I feel her saying she tried to clue me in by saying "how do you do that" is poor communication, and honestly a bit like revision to defend her feelings. Imo, in no way could anyone have taken that as a clue she was hurt by what she said, and from the laugh before, and the lack of tone in which she said it, I had no possibility of knowing she was feeling hurt. It just does not add up, and I'm usually pretty good at picking up tones and facial cues. It feels like it all went to "I'm hurt" out of nowhere.
And perhaps I did miss the tone, but I still feel trying to hint at something, especially by what she said, is poor communication, and without the tone that I apparently missed I still would have not picked up on any hurt feelings.
I did fail her because I should have known not to go into detail, because she has been sensitive to the porn topic before. I don't watch porn anymore because it was a boundary she set, and im fine with that. I guess I thought she was seriously asking, again because I didn't pick up on her cues, so that's why I went into slight detail.
This whole thing is a ridiculous scenario, which is why I'm asking for outside perspective. I know I could have said things with more tact, and been more aware of what I was saying, and also critically thought about her feelings about porn before I spoke. Imo, I am fault.
However, there are also parts of this that are outright ridiculous, and it feels that side of things I am sort of being forced to be ok with because otherwise it is perceived as just causing conflict.
Please help
