Lost Need help to recover from a one hell of a trip

[Korrit]

Hi guys
Help needed here.
I had an awfull trip nearly 2 years ago and since that I no longer can trip without having lot of unbearable anxiety during the whole duration of the trip.. or worse: panic attack and I find myself forced to kill the trip every time by using a benzo I've got this issue exclusively if I choose to trip with acid or 2cb.
Other psychedelics like Allad, 4ho-mipt, MDMA or eth-lad are fine for me if in standard doses.
Seems like that trip gives me some kind of PTSD. Or some kind of phobia from tripping hard... it is now easy for me to totally freak out if I feel that I'm "losing control"
Any idea on how to o overcome this? Maybe using low doses of acid and work my way slowly? I don't seek to be able to take 200 mic of acid.. just be able to appreciate a tab at 100 mic without freaking out. Any help would be much appreciated
Thank you.

Psst: if intrested I wrote a detailed TR about my traumatic trip: https://www.bluelight.org/xf/thread...ed-walking-through-hell.837224/#post-14679138

 

[Layered Onion]

So you have a list of psychedelics that you enjoy. You have a list of psychadelis tgat trigger your trauma and cause anxiety attacks. I dont want to have to point out the obvious, but don't you already have a blue print for safe tripping at hand?

 

[Mafioso]

I would lay off the psychoactives for a while, especially psychedelics, mdma/rave & party drugs, and cannabis as well. Spend some time sober to process what happened and gain a little perspective on your life, while allowing time for you body/mind to heal. Exercise and getting proper nutrition can really help with this process. Things like meditation, CBT, and group therapy can help with the psychological aspect.

I know it's already been 2 years, but if you've been constantly dosing since then and it induces extreme anxiety to the extent of panic attacks, it's only normal that you'd feel anxious even at the idea of dosing again. Then factor in the nature of psychedelics combined with a nervous or panicky mind, and it's probably not going to end well the majority of the time. If nothing else, I would suggest waiting until you feel confident with the idea that you'll have a good, panic-free trip. Maybe reflect on all the good times you had before the bad trip- and if that doesn't work, maybe consider listening to your body/mind and step away from the psychs for a while if not for good.

Personally, after abusing psychs myself, I have a similar reaction. After having experienced a psychotic break, tripping feels eerily similar, and it's something I find less and less interesting as of lately. Every now and again boredom spurs my curiosity and I'll try some again, but I won't touch them without benzos in arms reach for the same reason as you. Only thing that has really helped me get comfortable with them again is microdosing after a long break(and being in a healthy mindset). Even then, the good experiences I had aren't something I'm eager to repeat. I feel now it's not worth playing with my psyche for the sake of a good time, at least not on any sort of regular basis. I'm still open to the idea of tripping again at the "perfect opportunity", but I have no idea what that would really look like, I just now it'd have to start with me being 100% comfortable with the idea of tripping, and in a safe environment but also a somewhat special occasion.

 

[Korrit]

So you have a list of psychedelics that you enjoy. You have a list of psychadelis tgat trigger your trauma and cause anxiety attacks. I dont want to have to point out the obvious, but don't you already have a blue print for safe tripping at hand?

Obviously that's the easiest way , My goal is to achieve a full recovery from my experience.

I would lay off the psychoactives for a while, especially psychedelics, mdma/rave & party drugs, and cannabis as well. Spend some time sober to process what happened and gain a little perspective on your life, while allowing time for you body/mind to heal. Exercise and getting proper nutrition can really help with this process. Things like meditation, CBT, and group therapy can help with the psychological aspect.

I know it's already been 2 years, but if you've been constantly dosing since then and it induces extreme anxiety to the extent of panic attacks, it's only normal that you'd feel anxious even at the idea of dosing again. Then factor in the nature of psychedelics combined with a nervous or panicky mind, and it's probably not going to end well the majority of the time. If nothing else, I would suggest waiting until you feel confident with the idea that you'll have a good, panic-free trip. Maybe reflect on all the good times you had before the bad trip- and if that doesn't work, maybe consider listening to your body/mind and step away from the psychs for a while if not for good.

Personally, after abusing psychs myself, I have a similar reaction. After having experienced a psychotic break, tripping feels eerily similar, and it's something I find less and less interesting as of lately. Every now and again boredom spurs my curiosity and I'll try some again, but I won't touch them without benzos in arms reach for the same reason as you. Only thing that has really helped me get comfortable with them again is microdosing after a long break(and being in a healthy mindset). Even then, the good experiences I had aren't something I'm eager to repeat. I feel now it's not worth playing with my psyche for the sake of a good time, at least not on any sort of regular basis. I'm still open to the idea of tripping again at the "perfect opportunity", but I have no idea what that would really look like, I just now it'd have to start with me being 100% comfortable with the idea of tripping, and in a safe environment but also a somewhat special occasion.

Thanks for the detailled answer.
I already tried to stop tripping in order to heal, i took breaks of 2 months 3 times, maybe I have to take longer break.. I will try that idea of dosing low, I'm only afraid that acid IS what create/exarcerbate anxiety on me... can it be?
And yes after such experiences tripping is no longer interesting like firsts times, it was a time when i was very excited about the idea of be able to trip to the point when i was not able to sleep the night before lol... now it's a different story.. the excitement is dead, but still I prefer to recover and be able to trip properly... I prefer to space my trip because I want to do so, not because I'm scared

 

[Mafioso]

afraid that acid IS what create/exarcerbate anxiety on me... can it be?

I think so, lsd is pretty anxiogenic, especially in people who are nervous or unsure.

now it's a different story.. the excitement is dead

2-3 months isn't really a very long break at all... imo, you should give yourself at least that much amount of time in between trips, just for the sake of your own mental health. If going 2-3 months without tripping is taking a break, then it sounds like it might be time for a 2-3 year long break. I'm not really sure low dose is going to make much of a difference without taking a long break and having a different mindset going in. If the excitement is dead and it's inducing panic attacks in you, why are you still so eager to use it?

 

[Korrit]

Like I said the main goal is to heal, maybe I'm pretty stubborn ...but I really want to resolve this and be able to trip correctly before deciding to have very long break or to stop once and for all. I want to exhaust all possible solutions and see if I will achieve this goal.
Now for sure I learned a new thing from you: at least I need to take a longer break !

 

[Jabberwocky]

If you are having problems with the way you think / feel causing you anxiety take a look at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness. They are techniques widely used for PTSD patients and helpful in giving you the ability to change your own thoughts and de-power negative thoughts. I use it to get through anxiety and depression after stim benders and have also used it to manage bad LSD experiences. In fact my tripping got way better after I learned to manage my mental state better to avoid negativities and anxieties.

 

[Mafioso]

I understand your goal is to heal and to be able to go back to enjoy tripping. What I don't understand is why you are in such a rush to continue tripping if, as described by you, the excitement is dead and it gives you panic attacks. If I had to guess, you are trying to repeat your first few good experiences with the drug, and for whatever reason, are blaming the negative effects of the drug on yourself rather than accepting the full range of potential effects of the drug.

To put it simply, I think a lot of what you are experiencing is likely from chronic use of psychedelics, and the only thing that will truly curb these side effects is abstaining from psychedelics for longer periods of time, allowing your body and mind to fully recover, and using less frequently once you have recovered.. Psychedelics are powerful drugs, and just because some, like LSD, have a very high LD50, that doesn't mean they are safe or without other risks. They can be very fun and enlightening, adding some spice to your life, but just like any spice, too much spoils the dish.

 

[Meth novice 79]

At 2 years in with the same issue I’d say give it up.

Could be you’ve just induced paranoia associated with that particular drug (I’ve done the same to myself with meth and it pisses me the fuck off)

But could be also that you’ve permanently altered the Chems in your brain with it, in which case there’s no going back

Be careful, stay safe x

 

[Korrit]

If you are having problems with the way you think / feel causing you anxiety take a look at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness. They are techniques widely used for PTSD patients and helpful in giving you the ability to change your own thoughts and de-power negative thoughts. I use it to get through anxiety and depression after stim benders and have also used it to manage bad LSD experiences. In fact my tripping got way better after I learned to manage my mental state better to avoid negativities and anxieties.

I already do mindfulness meditation.. CBT never heard of that, will take a look.

I understand your goal is to heal and to be able to go back to enjoy tripping. What I don't understand is why you are in such a rush to continue tripping if, as described by you, the excitement is dead and it gives you panic attacks. If I had to guess, you are trying to repeat your first few good experiences with the drug, and for whatever reason, are blaming the negative effects of the drug on yourself rather than accepting the full range of potential effects of the drug.

To put it simply, I think a lot of what you are experiencing is likely from chronic use of psychedelics, and the only thing that will truly curb these side effects is abstaining from psychedelics for longer periods of time, allowing your body and mind to fully recover, and using less frequently once you have recovered.. Psychedelics are powerful drugs, and just because some, like LSD, have a very high LD50, that doesn't mean they are safe or without other risks. They can be very fun and enlightening, adding some spice to your life, but just like any spice, too much spoils the dish.

I got your point now.. in fact the error that I had make is to consider that 2 months break was enough

But could be also that you’ve permanently altered the Chems in your brain with it, in which case there’s no going back

That's exactly what I'm afraid of !
Can you please give more details about your experience with meth?

 

[Meth novice 79]

I already do mindfulness meditation.. CBT never heard of that, will take a look.

I got your point now.. in fact the error that I had make is to consider that 2 months break was enough



That's exactly what I'm afraid of !
Can you please give more details about your experience with meth?

I had a couple bad experiences with IV use and anaphylactic reactions that scared the living daylights out of me.

To this day if I use, and there’s any kind of physical change on my body (which is the norm really.) I freak out and spend the entire high examining myself for bad reactions that mean I should go to hospital ASAP.
Fkn wastes a good high and happens far too often to make it worth it for me

 

[Jabberwocky]

This sounds exactly like something that happened to me. I needed to give myself plenty of time to heal and come back into myself!!

 

[Korrit]

This sounds exactly like something that happened to me. I needed to give myself plenty of time to heal and come back into myself!!

Interesting, were you able to trip "correctly " after that? How much time passed before complet heal?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Interesting, were you able to trip "correctly " after that? How much time passed before complet heal?

It took me about 3 years to heal entirely. I have never touched any psychedelic again, haven’t even smoked weed, since so I cannot say. I tried smoking once a few weeks after and flashed back hard. So I’ve been stone cold sober since, basically. I’m really sensitive to psychedelics though so your mileage may vary!!

 

[LordFran]

Happened to me for a couple of days last week after high dose mescaline and 5-10mg of a speed pill (meth/amph/caffeine)

I got back to normal after three days, especifically on the third night aftet watching two movied about Jesus. Going to the gym and eating well helps. I thought I would have to learn to live with crippling anxiety and hppd but nope, got back to being ok, just needed detox.

After that I took weed edibles and tripped seeing dmt like visuals very breakthrough level like. Was beautiful

Now im very sensitive. Im smoking weed and cigs but am gonna quit, and not in the mood fot psychedelics after that scare.

But life is long and things have stages in life and they are re ocurring.

Hope you get better! Its totally possible. Every day take 10mins of the day to conciously adress the source of the trauma; of the anxiety. And just look at it, at the feeling and their cause.

Just keep on breathing

 

[Korrit]

Happened to me for a couple of days last week after high dose mescaline and 5-10mg of a speed pill (meth/amph/caffeine)

I got back to normal after three days, especifically on the third night aftet watching two movied about Jesus. Going to the gym and eating well helps. I thought I would have to learn to live with crippling anxiety and hppd but nope, got back to being ok, just needed detox.

After that I took weed edibles and tripped seeing dmt like visuals very breakthrough level like. Was beautiful

Now im very sensitive. Im smoking weed and cigs but am gonna quit, and not in the mood fot psychedelics after that scare.

But life is long and things have stages in life and they are re ocurring.

Hope you get better! Its totally possible. Every day take 10mins of the day to conciously adress the source of the trauma; of the anxiety. And just look at it, at the feeling and their cause.

Just keep on breathing

I think your experience is basically different than mine.
For me I was traumatized only during the trip.. 8 hours after dosing I was fine.. but every time I tried to trip with acid I had to face hell.

 

[Korrit]

It took me about 3 years to heal entirely. I have never touched any psychedelic again, haven’t even smoked weed, since so I cannot say. I tried smoking once a few weeks after and flashed back hard. So I’ve been stone cold sober since, basically. I’m really sensitive to psychedelics though so your mileage may vary!!

3 years !!!

 

[Deleted member 521610]

I still get flashs of some of the most psychotic trips i have had over the years its something that scars you deep psychologically. You need to adress the root issue and get to a intermediate level of meditation practice before tripping again. A one year break minimum from psychedelics and weed is needed maybe more years depending on how shaken you still feel about the trip to hell. I will rarely mix cannabis these days into my trips since my mind is to open and put me almost into a form of psychosis its jsut all stucture breaking down and reality disappearing. LSD is dark by nature every few trips i encounter the darkside of LSD but meditation has helped me overcome it. Control of your mind is important to deal with instsruive chaotic rabbit hole thoughts on acid. I also spend some time in trips reflecting on my most challenging trips over 15 years to revist them with the information i have now and reassess the perspective and come to terms with what caused such a turn in them.

 

[Korrit]

You need to adress the root issue...

How? Can you please give more details about your experience?
In my case when I think about what really scared the shit out of me is I felt that I'm slowly disappearing !!... maybe it was ego dissolution I really don't know...I know it can sound strange or incomprehensible but I don't know how to describe it otherwise

 

[Deleted member 521610]

How? Can you please give more details about your experience?
In my case when I think about what really scared the shit out of me is I felt that I'm slowly disappearing !!... maybe it was ego dissolution I really don't know...I know it can sound strange or incomprehensible but I don't know how to describe it otherwise

Observe your thoughts daily meditation is key to tripping so you can control your thoughts or let them go easier. My experience was with acid the darkest it ever got for me was this.

I was peaking hard on acid 500 ug when i smoked the fattest joint of some very strong hybrid weed while outside under the moonlight near a forest where i was living. Anyway i finished the joint and had my eyes closed trying to achieve total enlightenment by walking through doors in my mind thats when the universe exploded right infront of my eyes when i walked through this door in my mind it was more real than fucking real i lost control of my body everything had disappeared i was now in hyperspace on par with DMT this creature in this geometric dimesion created out of hyper fractals swam up to my point of awareness and welcomed me exactly by sayin this "welcome to hyperspace your on drugs!" this was the time before i went further on acid with 1500 ug and 1000 ug. I was still new to tripping and had around 20 acid trips under my belt at the time. Anyways with zero connection to my body or physical reality while in this hyper space it was soo fucking surreal and the craziest night of my life at this point thats when my body in real life had taken off on its own running down the path physical moment and new stimulation had the physical world reappear for a short time but i literally saw the universe explode and explode and rearrange at the atomic level in some mega hyper dimension this shit was beyond explaining i was sure i was dead cause no fucking way could this acutally be happening but the universe and all of reality rearranged into guess what? literally fucking satan a galaxy sized motherfucker infinite satan fractal all with the red classic cartoon look this shit was radiating pure fucking evil beyond any measure pure existential terror flooded every atom of my soul body and existence there was no physical world anymore cause every atom had blown apart in the most surreal shit that anybody could witness i literally thought that the past two years was a dream and that i was still stuck in a trip from my first acid trip and that everything was the trip all the memories experinces etc reality was a cruel fucking joke i was dead and in hell and the truth of reality was that satan was acutally the true god of it all? reality was pure fucking rotten dark evil to the core infinite suffering at this point heavy shit started flashing me into toher dimesions like images of 15 dimesional cannabis universe sized buds of it flashing all different colours that did not fucking exist in our baseline dimension then was the flashing letters LSD then i looked around and behind me was a galaxy sized shiva in meditation stance sitting there and i felt the most profound peace to ever hit me the light the truth path the only path to true enlightment hit me at the moment was that meditation was the only way and drugs including LSD were creations of the satanic duality to trap people.


"lucifer appeared to those who saw him as a angel of light" during this moment i truly felt that LSD was not just a drug it was the final quest of human kind to take it and awaken to the true nature of it all. We tend to think of LSD as the light but during that moment i knew LSD was not of the light but created by satan. I would of killed myself if i knew i wasent acutally dead to stop the trip at this point this shit was hella fucking crazy. i was thrown back into previous timelines forced to watch every way i fucked up my life in each parallel timeline all the things i did and things in the future i will do it showed me my karma and why i was going to hell for mistreating people etc etc I realized i had been dead for millions of years and every now and then the devil will pull back the curtain on reality and show me the horrifying truth of "reality" the greatest trick ever played on humanity he conviced everybody he doesnt exist he is not real but hell truly does exist because i lived it i am forced to live this life on a endless loop and once in a while the devil will pop out of the litreal thin air and every atom rearrange of the world into it. At this point in the real world is when other humans encountered me and started yelling at me to calm down. apparently i was screaming in pure terror at the top of my lungs that the entire fucking neighborhood came out to see this human contact bought me back to my senses and by some mircale i managed to brush it off to them and somebody i knew was there took me back home and said i was screaming for a few minutes one been just satan on loop and the other child hood tramua events? once inside the trip kicked back into full swing i was blasted right back to hell but now i was inside in a safe place now i was quiet just endless satanic fractals from about what i was told i got back 2 am til i when i came back to normal reality and no more visuals around 11 am i had dropped 8 pm the previous night. But the time i was back i just wanted to kill myself cause the shit i had experienced was terrifying it left me feeling fucked up for over a year and left me scars in my psychedelic trips that sill pop up to this day. But i have revisited the night on many trips trying to come to terms with the experience and integrate it. I had been consumed by all my untreated tramua all at once my brain lit up every connection manifesting in our cultural fears "the devil" it was also a very short psychotic break but i managed to come back with external human connection. In all i dont call it a bad trip because its the trip that showed me the highest states of LSD can rival DMT. In that few minute time gap of screaming reality breaking stuff i experienced millions and millions of years within that time period. Psychedelics are not just drugs they are something spirtual and can take us to any dimesion in infinity.


I was caught between ego death and physical reality i did not let go instead i held on my ego fighting every inch and volia i got dragged to hell for it.