need help on how to integrate this & continue living

[divinefeeling]

Please I'd really appreciate you reading this post. I apologize for going on tangents near the end as i was realizing stuff while writing it, I really am suffering a lot & would appreciate any loving honest help.

***This part is just a bunch of bullshit which you can skip if you want ****
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You know, for some people, you start life living in a magic world where there is a god above & your individual life is meaningful & matters & you enjoy the superficial stuff our culture & society has to offer. That there's an afterlife waiting for you after death & everything.
Then one day you realize it is completely absurd, you feel more aware of the superficiality of the matter & not controlled by what you were told about morality, you feel liberated & happy to arrive at all these life changing conclusions, for a while.
Then you realize it means any success you will have, whatever your goals are, have no real meaning & won't be played back on a big screen for you in heaven or something like that. You're here & then you're dead & everything is forgotten & lost, if not after a 100 years, then after a 1000 or a 10000, for sure. So why the heck bother? You feel depressed & unmotivated for a while, until you just say fuck it i don't even care then. But something is still off.. until (thanks to LSD, in my case) you realize that life is very spiritual, and about the current experience, & how you perceive the experience, what you make of the *now* (which is all that matters really). Love exists & you should strive to share, be kind, loving, empathetic towards other humans who are experiencing this life. Races & prejudices have no place at all & you are happy to feel peaceful understanding & freed from your ego. It's like the first part was only part of the key, & this is the other part that allows you to enjoy life again & fill you with bliss, freeing you from the "ignorance is a bliss, sometimes i wish i still thought god/santa existed" you were in before.
That was awesome, heaven can be on earth NOW & everything.. until i came to the realization that it is kind of a paradox, how you are thinking that it's all "how you see it" is actually just another "how you are seeing it" & really reality is non-existent. Just a trick your mind is playing on you to continue existing & functioning. That really you are just another roaming animal on a random planet whose mind has to do this in order to have a "playground" to function on & continue biological functions. And you are also in denial when you think that life is great & it's just how you view things. That really, the only absolute truth is that there is no real truth, it's just your mind inventing stuff that doesn't exist, in order to function. And when you do this, your mind is just releasing certain chemicals & you feel good about life again. Basically i feel like my mind just completely shut down & left the playground. And the feeling, or rather combination of chemicals which are making me feel this way, are making me feel like I'm in a constant state of extreme torture & would wish a thousand deaths just to make everything STOP.

I feel like i hit a dead end. Nowhere to go from here, if i go back to "it's just how you see things, so cheer up" i cant help but know deep inside that I'm only tricking myself into believing one of the possible realities my mind can manifest, which doesn't really exist outside of my mind.
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This part is important:
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I don't know if I'm just a bad person at my core & made this fucked up realization up just to get out of being loving & share the human experience, or if it is a deep seeded issue about concreteness. I've always needed to have absolutes. I was fine when my absolute was "there is no absolute, just perceptions" but then i realized this is just another perception & it freaked the hell out of me. To be honest i think it's the former though, i just reread what i wrote & it sounds like a lame ass excuse.
What are your thoughts ? I've always been good & compassionate to others etc. but my mom & sis died when i was an infant by a drunk driver & i was sent overseas by my dad to live with his family, & everybody here seems like a fucking two-faced hypocrite who doesn't really love others.. I'm the type of person who will let you win a game even though i can kick your ass easily & then will take your taunting no problem, cuz i sense your feeling bad when u lose & I'm extremely sensitive & don't ever say something that could even scratch your ego... but i realize what others are fronting right away & what their real intentions were, I've really not met a person who is as self-less as i know i am.. & i guess I've become bitter because of that & as a kid i used to secretly wish to nuke the whole fucking planet one day cuz my mom died.. but i was a kid back when i had these thoughts, you know ? I think i just realized my issue to be honest.. on one hand i feel most people i encounter are actually dishonest & with another agenda.. out to hurt others to feel good about themselves(i guess its cuz i had some bad experiences & became paranoid), then i think "this is just my perception of it, so that means I'm actually the bad person & not them" & act naive & shit to compensate .. so i'm either pissed at the world, or pissed at myself..act stupid & then pissed at the world again for taking advantage. & i cant reach a compromise. & im not able to function in either extreme..

Unless the whole fucking world changes & becomes really naive-acting & honest & stuff..
Any advise i could really use some loving help.. i'm so confused & feel so alone in this..

 

[divinefeeling]

now that i think of it more clearly, i think i have trust issues.. cuz this all started way back when i thought my friends were laughing at me & not with me... ill try to work through it best i can.. still any advise from somebody who's been here & got out of it.. i'd love to hear.
thanks everyone
peace

 

[divinefeeling]

oh & i just realized i feel like shit cuz i am good in my core.. & know something is off in the way im feeling & perceiving things around me... i wasnt raised like this..my childhood/teen years felt nothing like this, afterall a joke or taunt can be hurtful to the wrong ear.. & funny and light hearted to the right ear.
i feel very peaceful right now & in a different world, but i hope i can stay like this around others like i used to.. i hope to always remember this & so im writing my thoughts here just in case, for whoever reads this, & myself. Even if its just a perception, this is the perception i want to live my life in.
what u think, u feel.. always remember that.

 

[kickme2go]

Hey man, I can certainly relate to some of the things that you said. Of course life has dealt me a very different set of cards, but I think most people think the same things you do from time to time.

The whole trust thing struck a chord with me. I really have trouble letting new people get close to me. I've had sooooo many "friends" show me who they really were that I have a general mistrust of people, especially if I don't know them. This is kinda awkward at at a party or something, as I typically find myself analyzing the people around me, rather than socializng. I always seem to be asking the question "What do they really want?"

But I think you gotta admit, most people aren't thinking that far ahead, are they? Their heads are stuck in the here and now. It's not like you meet some one for the first time, and they are thinking how can I take advantage of you? Well, not most people....

And I don't think most people are really bad at heart either. You mention that you seem to find it hard to believe that people can be as selfless as you. But think about this statement. Are you really that selfless, and are most people really that selfish? I don't think so. The example of how you'll let some one win a game. That is a gooooood quality to have. Most people can't do that. But you gotta realize that people will roll right over you if you let them. So why let it?

Sure, people look out for themselves, but is there really anything wrong with that? If anything it's a good thing or else how the fuck would anything get done in this world?

I'm tryin to think of a good way to tell you how to overcome this kind of thought pattern, but I can't. You mention that this isn't how you always think and feel, correct? If so, that's good. Then take this brief moment in life and learn from it. Because it's just that, one brief moment in your life.

Do you have any friends that you can talk this kinda shit over with. I know I only have two that I could even remotely touch base with at this kinda level.

You always throw perception in to the mix. But once you do that, it gets real real uncontrollably.... cluttered..... The only advice I can give is that it simply is. You don't have to perceive the world to realize it is there. What does the way you perceive it even matter any way? Does that stop it from going on, stop it from rolling over you? No it doesn't stop anything, all your doing is adding another layer to something that is all ready complicated enough. And I think your just adding more and more layers on, and your really not seeing what it is underneath. And just to let you know, I'm not sure what's underneath it all either. Probably never will either.

It is what it is.

Sooooo.... I don't know if you can relate to what I said or not. I'll check this out later and see if you have anything to say.

 

[divinefeeling]

I got what you're saying man. You're right that this is the real world & people are people, & i'm just over-analyzing everything.

About my close friends, it came up a couple times, but i never said any specifics. They basically asked wtf was wrong with me - closing in on myself,etc. Even around them I'm awkward & retreated. Especially if we smoke weed.. I'll have panic attacks.. I said I think I'm fucked in the head. They said no u used to have everything, was normal, had opinions, made jokes, liked to do stuff, etc. but it's like you're scared of something, & they have no idea of what. Their advise was to travel abroad & start a new life. Dunno, seems like a huge step. I can barely go out to buy smokes right now cuz i feel so insecure & stuff, so much that it's like my brain/psyche doesn't wanna cooperate with me anymore.. just shattered & broken from all the anxiety/depersonalization. Need to get a grip of things & chill out.

 

[EoTorv]

Do the trust issues get better when you are less anxious? Or have had enough alone time?

In cognitive therapy, one of the main cognitive distortions that causes depression & other problems is called "mind reading" Most of the things that people read into other peoples behavior and statements are faulty. It can be hard to do but decreasing speculation about uncertain future events and conclusions about other people's thoughts & emotions can really help with some emotional problems, depression, anxiety, etc

 

[Counterintuitive]

i cant reach a compromise. & im not able to function in either extreme...

There is obviously a lot of content to review in your post, but this^^ certainly protrudes. Perhaps you are manic, in which case finding a balance in your life is going to be difficult and not completely realistic without the help of a physician. I see that someone mentioned cognitive behavioural therapy. From what all you've said, it would seem like a reasonable place to start doing some research.

Regardless of rather you have a severe or mild psychological condition, a balanced life - in all that you do - is definitely healthier than violently swaying from top to bottom. You can start your own therapy by adopting this simple, but difficult, principle.

 

[divinefeeling]

Counterintuitive, ill integrate the balance method. Just thought of it and it relieves me of a shit load of dilemmas causing bad thoughts, just like kickme2go's advise about people not good or bad strictly & stuff

EoTorv,d. Come to think of it, no at first when i spoke to my friends online on IM i could be normal, make jokes, etc it was as if normal, but when we got together i'd feel my heart racing before we met & the shit would hit the fan later. But now it's been a constant all the time.. & i don't even feel my heart racing before we meet cuz its just the norm now.

Btw i edited this post because i noticed i've been going on describing it & just describing it, you know ? Like fuck it i don't want to have anything to do with it why am i gong on & on about it in the first place..
Also to be perfectly honest, i hear myself think the most fucked up thoughts all the time.. & that's the problem really. Bad fucking thoughts & they kept taking over.. & it's just me! Not fighting some bullshit disease, it's me! wow..