TDS Need help and advice - norco/hydrocodone addiction

[needalifeline]

Hi Everyone, I am new here this is my first post. I have never told my story to ANYONE and I want to quit taking pills so I feel I need to get this all off my chest.

I started taking for fun Vicodin when I was 15. The first time I took it I loved the way it made me feel. I felt cool and confident. I am normally a shy and relaxed person, but being high on vicodin I felt like a new improved person I could walk into a room and feel confident. Form ages 15-23 I would take vicodin, percocet or norco every once and a while. I never bought it off the street because I didnt even know you could. Sometimes I would exaggerate an injury to my doctor but since it was not an everyday thing I never thought of it as a problem.

In 2011 I was 23. I had a 2 year old son with my boyfriend, who also took vicodin every once in a while. Well he started a trade school and met someone who could get vicodin or norco whenever we wanted. So slowly but surly I went from taking a half of a pill every once in a while to taking 4 pills (10/325 hydro) a day. I know compared to some people on this board my addiction is a joke, but nonetheless it is still an addiction and I cannot go a day without taking the pills.

The pills that used to give me a burst of energy no longer work. I cant even make dinner or clean my house without taking a pill. My boyfriend has lost control and is taking up to 15-20+ a day I dont even ask him anymore because I dont want to know. My friends mother who is an addict said it took her many many years to get to where he is at and the short amount of time he did it really scares me. We fight constantly because he spends ALL of his money on pills, he steals money from me and pawns and sells all of our things. I feel like a hypocrite yelling at him for taking them when I take them myself. I just don't want to lose control like so many people do. I figure I might as well stop now because at this point I am not even getting high anymore I am just taking them to function. I have taken them every single day since July 2011 and I am so tired of it. I look back over the last 2 years and I cant even remember so much of it. so much time was wasted thinking about pills, buying pills. I dont even want to think about how much money was spent between my boyfriend an I. He doesnt pay any rent or bills anymore, he borrows money from everyone and never pays it back. I am just sick of living like this. I want out.

Its now 1:30pm on friday and I havent taken a pill since 6pm last night. I feel okay just tired with a headache. By this time I have usually took 10mg of hydrocodone. I only have 2 10/325 pills at home. I purposely left them at home so I wouldnt be tempted to take them at work. Should I take a half of a pill when I get home? should I flush them? What should I do to feel okay? I have to work monday-friday I get weekends off so I am hoping by monday I'll feel ok. I'm scared about the depression because my mother just passed away less then 2 months ago (cirrhosis of the liver; opiates and alcohol). Anytime I have felt sad about her death I take a pill to block the pain. I just dont want to prolong the inevitable anymore. I need to grieve her death. I want to stop pills, I don't want to go the way she did it was horrible and painful. I feel ashamed even being addicted after I see what she went though. No one knows I take pills everyday, not even my boyfriend. I don't have much family so I don't plan on telling anyone. I just want to be a good mom to my son and these pills will not help me do that.

Again, I dont want to disrespect anyone on this board. I know many of you have much worse problems than me. I just needed an outlet to speak.

If anyone has any words or advice for me please help. I could use anything you have to say. I just don't know what to expect as of right now, I want to go home and take half of a pill just to get some grocery shopping done but I dont know if I should or not.

 

[theseeker]

I know compared to some people on this board my addiction is a joke, but nonetheless it is still an addiction and I cannot go a day without taking the pills.

Your addiction is no joke. While it is indeed true that there are people here on BL who may take much more or IV heroin, etc., that by no means you and your problem don't deserve serious consideration. The fact is we all experience opiate w/d a little differently. I can tell you I was addicted to oxy at similar levels as you for only like 8 months. It took me a while to feel better after coming off that habit. So it's no joke. It can fuck with you mentally, put you into a pretty bad depression, give you nights of terrible insomnia accompanied by the dreaded restless leg syndrome, fucking shitty times. Having a child to deal with on top of that will make it even tougher. The thing is- the longer you let this go on, the worse it gets- the hole gets deeper even if you never increase your dose. Get out now.

You have some choices as to how to proceed:
1) Cold turkey- the advantage of this is that you get this over with. In a months time- you'll be as right as rain. Hell, even 2 weeks from now you'll start to feel OK. The disadvantage is that the full shit-force of the withdrawals descends on you all at once. People say that clonodine and lyrica have helped them through these periods. Your Dr. can prescribe those. If you can get some benzo's for the night time, that can help a little.

2) Taper- the advantage here is that you gradually reduce the dose and don't get the full shit-storm of insomia, restless legs, diarrhea, etc all at once. Vicodin might not be the best drug to taper with b/c of it's short half-life. I found low doses of tramadol can help as it lasts a long time and at your dose level, it's possible you could taper down with 100mg in the AM and 100mg in the evening. The idea here is that you'll cut a quarter pill per week until the AM dose is gone, then cut the PM dose in roughly the same manner. The disadvantage is that even while tapering, you'll feel a little shitty and it will drag on for a bit longer. It's not pain free. Also, you can get addicted to tramadol (I am). If you're taking more than four pills a day to taper- don't bother. You're just digging yourself a tramadol hole at that point with your present habit. The idea here is that at least you'll get some sleep and be able to function during the day.

I'm sure someone will chime in with some good/better advice.

I have quit a habit such as yours (just didn't stay quit). If I can do it- so can you.