Need advice. Please. I don't know whats going on anymore

[Nsquillace1]

What's up everyone I'm here posting this on here because I'm really confused on what's happening in my head and im really scared. About a little longer than a month ago I tripped on acid for the first time. Im gonna admit I was stupid and did it by myself but I was with 3 very close friends who trip sitted me. The first 5 hours of the trip I was having a great time then after that its been hell ever since, I have other posts about my experience since I was panicing and posting on here like everyday.

Anyway about a 3 weeks after my trip I was doing better. I was feeling like my old self again and I was able to reassure myself everything was going to be okay. Even tho I felt I was getting better I was also looking up alot of stuff on what could possibly be wrong with me mentally. For some reason ever since I came down from acid I've been so worried about something being wrong with me. All my life I always knew I was little different, shy, akward, somewhat anti social, and terrible with girls. But I was always able to keep it in the back of my head and go on with life.

So as I'm looking all this stuff up, somewhat diagnosing myself but not giving my self a 100% diagnosis I stumbled across sociopathy and phycopathy. Ever since i found out the true deffenition of a sociopath/phycopath I've completely lost it. I started panicing again and going crazy and so convinced that im one of these disorders because I keep looking back at all the asshole things ive done in my life and alot of the stuff I do/did is very similar to what a sociopath does and im just really scared. I've been able to calm down but I can't get my mind off it. All day and all night all i think about is how all my fucking life ive been a sociopath and I didn't even know it and I'm loosing my mind because I really don't want to be! Now I keep looking up all these different disorders like phycosis and mental issues and I can relate to alot of them and im just going crazy! Almost like I'm a little bit of everything and I mean everything! Like I just found out what phycosis is and now I think im phycotic and a sociopath because I have had crazy beliefs before like sometimes I'll say to myself that I'm a super hero or that im the "chosen one" or that in mentally stronger than I think but i always used it as a tool to get by difficult times in my life. they were all just things I would say to myself to make me feel "good" obviously I know Im not any of those things but I just keep questioning my self over and over again, saying things like have I just been lying to myself all my life?! Also I think about if there's a God and if there isn't what is there? And I think about aliens and stuff but again it's just stuff I liked thinking about never held it true to my heart. Ive always told myself it would be cool to get abducted by aliens and how I wish I can be but then again it's just all things I would say to myself.I Never meant it. Are these delusions?? Because if so ill stop fucking think about it right now! I really don't what to go down this path that I didn't even know I was going down.

I don't know what's going on anymore and Im just really scared. Could I have just been really stupid and careless all my life doing only what I want without knowing the consequences and my acid trip brought it out? Like I know I have feelings. I've cried before and even tho im a dick to my parents sometimes I do love them and I love my little sister and i love my friends. I've felt bad for people and living things before. I have 2 pet snaked and everytime I feed them live mice I feel bad!! So I know I have feelings maybe they r a little messed up but I know I have them. But it's like more i think about this shit the more I think i think i don't have feelings anymore and ugh I just feel like im going fucking insane! I can't stay in my room by myself anymore with out my mind thinking and thinking and thinking about wtf could possibly be wrong with me! I just recently oppened up to my mom about this and we cried together and she tells me there's nothing wrong with me so I keep saying that im head over and over because if I don't ill just start thinking again.

I'm sorry to drag this out but I've been going crazy for the past week and idk what to do anymore. I told my mom I want to see a psychiatrist or therapist but I don't want to take drugs. I want to live my normal happy life again

 

[Nsquillace1]

Someone respond to this please I need to know what I should do from here on.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

IMO you are hardly a socio/psychopath. You are just young and confused. Calm down if you can and let time take care of things. Wait to try psychedelics again until you feel completely stable. They can teach you a lot or they can scare and confuse you if you aren't ready. Best of luck.

 

[herbavore]

I think it would be good for you if you could see a therapist; don't jump right to psychiatrist--try therapy first. You are jumping to a lot of conclusions about yourself and I think it would be good to get some perspective. Try to breathe and remember that every human being on earth has the capacity to be callous or compassionate. The whole of life is getting to know how to embrace your own human emotions without overthinking them. Your moral compass is intact, you have a great imagination and you had the wherewithal to reach out and express yourself. Try to calm your mind and rest assured that you are just like the rest of us--asking questions, figuring it out as we go.

What kind of snakes do you have?

 

[Nsquillace1]

Thanks im going to see a therapist soon. Idk what to tell her tho. Should I tell her that I did lsd and all of this came to realization ? The more I think about it the more this sociopath shit makes sence. I can write a novel on how I think I am one but Im not gonna do that and all I can look up is if I am one is it possible one can change to be normal and all I see Is that to teach a soci/phycopath feelings it's like teaching a fish how to ride a bike and I really hope that's not the case. And I have 2 ball pythons. The other thing is phycopaths and sociopaths are known to be reptilian like... I've always been into reptiles like wtf how is all this making so much sence my mind is being blown to oblivion

 

[herbavore]

Whoa there! Just because you like snakes doesn't mean anything about your mental health.

You can be frank with your therapist about the LSD but maybe not right away before feeling him/her out on the extent of his/her drug knowledge. I'm of the opinion that whatever you are going through was brought to the surface by drugs maybe but not necessarily caused by them (hope that makes sense). What you are dealing with is uncertainty--uncertainty about who you are and how you fit into the world and even what the nature of the world is. There is nothing to be scared of. Life is exploration, pure and simple. Maybe right now your emotions are overwhelming you and so there is some sort of comfort in seeing yourself as a person incapable of emotion? Getting comfortable and relaxed about your own emotions is not easy--especially the ones that are commonly considered "negative" like anger and sadness and fear. These emotions are the best teachers if you can learn to observe them rather than be ruled by them.

 

[Nsquillace1]

Thanks for your advice. I think it brang out some underlying anxiety but it's like really intense. I go through stages of telling myself "everything is gonna be okay your not a phycopath, you just need time to ride this out" to stages of me completely freaking out that I'm going crazy! It's so weird I've never felt like this before and I just can't seem to relax. I'm gonna try getting better on my own. Withing the next couple of weeks I'm gonna go see a therapist. But thanks for being so kind in giving me advice. Im sorry if it sounds like i might be making a big deal out of nothing but I've never felt anything like this before I used to be such a car free chill kid before acid now it's like every little thing bothers me, I cant even relax and watch TV anymore

 

[Nixiam]

Yeah.

Hey, dude, just by seeing you talk I know you aren't a psychopath.

You may have some underlying mental health issues, but psychopaths don't even question their normality.

I'm very honest about my drug use with my psychologist, and should be with my new psychiatrist. Feel them out first, make sure they're really personable and confidential.

Don't worry man. You can regain sanity, not that I think you're insane.

Glad you aren't romantisizing this.

 

[Cliffy78]

If u were a psychopath I don't think you'd care as much as you do that u were one if that makes any sense. If u smoke weed is chill on that for awhile at least, it can exacerbate matters. I really doubt u have anti social personality disorder, I think it's more probable, if u have anything, it would be social anxiety and maybe some other anxiety issues but I'm far from a dr. So don't listen to me. I've dealt with similar shut since I was kid and I'm 38 now and while it still sucks I've learned different ways of dealing with my issues that work for me and over time I'm sure you'll learn different ways to deal with your issues. Your just coming into your own now it seems and it's frightening but just know your not alone, not by far. Most of us on this board have a lot of similar issues. Therapy may do u some good, I'd definitely do that before jumping to a psychiatrist cuz they'll just write scripts, that's what they do and you want to try everything possible before you start introducing those mind numbing chemicals into your brain. The LSD just really made u take a good look at yourself and now that you can see your flaws you can start to work on yourself and improve upon what you feel you need to improve upon. We're all fucked up in our own ways so don't worry too much about it. This too shall pass. Take care brother and god bless!

 

[Man in the Dark]

First off stay off the internet for a diagnosis, I did the same thing and I was convinced I was going to die. You can look up any MH condition and you will have a symptom. I had to have a DR tell me this because I was in such a panic.

 

[Nsquillace1]

So just got home from work and I just wanted to say I'm deffenitly gonna go talk to a therapist about what's going on. I'm just so confused. You guys helped me calm down about the spciopath stuff but you guys don't know me as well as I do and it's just nagging at my brain over and over all morning and it's like my life is flashing through my mind bringing up all the "spciopathic" shit i did before and linking things together and its really pisses me off. im forcing my self to stop thinking about it. The only real emotion i feel is anger. I try to think about my future and I'll get this burst of happiness then I start having tears of joy because it reassures me that my emotions are there and im fighting really hard to get them back but idk. At work it was hard to focus, i kept messing up and was really slow and unorganized. I even drove away from dunkin donuts without getting my change because I'm just so stuck inside my head. On the way home from work I felt nothing. Like I could stare at a wall for the rest of my life. I'll think about my familly and I can't feel the love from them even my little sister who before all this shit I loved more than anyone else in this world.I feel ashamed of my self and lots of regret for doing lsd I just wanted to know if you guys know what this emptiness feeling is and why i keep messing up and not being able to focus at work or my future like I have no motivation at all anymore. This is gonna be my last post on here you guys helped alot and I thank you but I'm gonna have a therapist help me the rest of the way