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Need Advice on Long Distance Relationship and Kids

nuttynutskin

nuttynutskin

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Joined
May 15, 2011
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I'm gonna try to make this as brief as possible for now but will try to elaborate if need be later.

Just some background first... Basically I'm in a long distance relationship that has been going on for about 3 years now. She lives across country and my plan is to move there for multiple reasons, her being there of course the main one. We've had some significant ups and downs, but things are good now despite our differences, but we both aren't quite in the position to make it happen yet. The last time I saw her was about 6 months ago and I won't lie, the waiting is pretty hard.

But either way, I sort of have two options that I'm torn about, especially lately. Basically I would either have the option of moving into my own trailer which would be hard but not impossible, or into her own trailer which would seem like the obvious choice, but the thing is she lives in the country and I would have basically no transportation plus she visits her kids regularly and there would be no privacy. If I lived on my own I could be close enough at least to stores that I could get there my self and I would obviously be able to see her kids when I wanted, or do my own thing if I wasn't feeling up to it. But of course that would be a lot pricier.

The real thing I guess I'm torn about is that I have lately been talking to her kids more, although it's mostly her daughter since her son's younger and they've taken a liking to me asking when I'm gong to visit and such. The only real reason this sounds like it would be something someone would be torn over I guess is because I've never been a kid person because of what I can only guess has to do with my anxiety problems and just feeling like sensory overload when being around young kids for much longer than 5 minutes. Part of me says I should just bite the bullet and move in when things aren't so up in the air (she recently lost her job), but I feel like as someone who's been basically an antisocial loner for the better part of their life that I would be throwing myself into too much all at once and it wouldn't work. I think her kids are although intense and loud, precious and she knows that and knows that it's only because of my mental problems that would keep me from not living in the same trailer, but what is a guy to do? Is it possible to get used to being/living around little kids?

And yeah, that kind of turned into a story.
 
Sounds like you should try to ease urself into it with your own place instead of just starting to live with kids when ur worried about it
 
so she visits her kids regularly? how many hours a week is she with the kids?

you made it sound like she doesn't live with them, so it can't be a huge length of time.

u can do 3 years of a LDR, but being around kids who like you, for intermittent periods (where you have the option of A) not seeing the kids with her, or B) seeing the kids with her but creating some space for yourself by just sitting outside reading or something) is too difficult?

i can dig kids being loud and stuff, but there are pros to being around kids as well, they have so much less cynicism and baggage than adults!
 
You're prone to sensory overload, so I don't think moving into a confined space with small, loud children and a mother who has ups and downs is going to be good for your sanity.
 
socko said:
You're prone to sensory overload, so I don't think moving into a confined space with small, loud children and a mother who has ups and downs is going to be good for your sanity.
Click to expand...

Yeah it's rough because I could pretty much move there right now more or less if I wanted to move in with her, but realistically I don't think it would work and I don't want to fuck this up because she's basically the love of my life. Like I said I'm torn especially since I do LIKE her kids, I'm just not good at dealing with small children. I've wondered at times if I had mild autism due to the whole sensory overload thing I experience in certain situations but I think it's more related to my anxiety disorder and ocd than anything else since I don't lack empathy and if anything am more emotional than a lot of people. I also was a shy only child growing up so that could maybe have something to do with it. I just wish there was a way I could rewire my brain because most women my age are going to have baggage and children and obviously want a guy who likes to be around them, (not that I'm looking for anyone else).
 
Well man, I would really suggest the former alternative... getting your own place. I say this for many reasons.

First, you guys haven't really been in close proximity for 3 years. That's a long time for you and her to develop a lifestyle independent of one another. Just jumping into a scenario where you two co-habitate seems like imminent sabotage. You can't really be certain of yours and hers idiosyncrasies and how they are compatible or not.


Also, you will need a place to escape. When the kids are "overloading your senses" or you and her have a little tiff, you will psychologically need to know that you can go to a place that is your own. Having your own place will allow you to ease into the transition of co-habitating with her and her little ones. I totally respect and appreciate that you have developed a relationship with her children; but the reality is that you need to solidify your life in this new place before you can begin to support their lives.

Lastly, there will be so many unknown stresses when you move out there. You won't know anyone, and you will be dependent upon her for any kind of social interaction until you meet people. You won't have a job, so finances will most likely be difficult until you find one. No transportation, so you will essentially be "stuck" in those 4 walls regardless your desire to leave. Your environment will be unfamiliar, so you won't know how to relate to your surroundings effectively. So many things that will create a brand new psyche for you, and a stressful one at that. I think it's super important that you have your own space to give yourself the ability to figure all this out. Otherwise, your stress could very well turn into lashing out at her and her little ones.

Overall, I think the much more healthy approach is to get your own place and transition into a life with her family slowly.
 
mribas did a good job of explaining the situation.

I wanted to add that there isn't anything abnormal about being susceptible to sensory overload. It doesn't mean you're autistic. You just need a certain amount of space that's quiet and where you can live by your own rules. I think in marriages and cohabitation, the man usually needs a man-cave, office, workshop, or something. For the most part, women don't have any need for that, but men do.
 
Thanks for the great replies mribas and socko. They pretty much confirmed what I thought would be best if I want it to work in the long run. I actually talked to her today about most of the things and we're pretty much in agreement it seems. The waiting sucks (it's been about 6 months since I visited there), but she said things will work themselves out and that she's hopeful for the relationship to work so that's something that I can live with. I just gotta be patient.
 
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