anonymous_mouse
Bluelighter
This is a note I actually wrote on facebook, but I thought perhaps I could post it here because Bluelighters tend to give very intelligent advice. Panic and anxiety is something I've been struggling with for years, but I have come to a crossroads where it is the worst that it's ever been, medications have been little help and psychedelics have made it even worse recently.
--
The FEAR is a very interesting thing. It doesn't come from any source. There's nothing to blame in on, nothing to scapegoat. The FEAR just exists. It's just there. On Friday night I could have hypothetically taken a trip on DMT, which will be my last one for quite a while. The FEAR was so overpowering, so terrifying, so dominating that there are no words to describe it. I felt it very physically, a disgusting sensation of needles slamming into my body in the form of energy. I had an instant realization that I fear nothing but FEAR itself, as its own separate entity, yet also such a part of me that all I could think was I AM FEAR. And a strong sensation of loss and despair.
I tried to reprogram my mind by saying mantras like I AM LOVE. But all I managed to do was channel all the fear into my own body. About an hour after I first started the journey, the FEAR finally dissipated. I took some anti-anxiety medication of mine so that I could go to sleep. But sleep did not happen. Immediately after I thought the trip was over, I noticed my heart beginning to pound faster... and faster.. and faster. The palpitations did not let up all night long, palpitations for eleven hours straight. At some point in the night - after trying all my anti-anxiety medication, plus herbs, and an ice pack, and breathing slowly and deeply.... I called 911. The ambulance and fire truck came, they did an EKG, and my heart readings seemed to be just fine. I finally fell into a fitful sleep, waking up two hours later to discover that my heart was still pounding away fast and irregularly. Friday night was four days ago. And the palpitations are still there, on and off, sometimes severely enough that I have to put an ice pack over my heart.
Today I went to the doctor, having made the appointment a month beforehand for the same problem - I've been having heart palpitations and pain for about a year and a half, and some times are more severe than other times - this has definitely been the worst in the past few days, though. The doctor and staff ran some tests - EKG, chest x-ray, blood tests - and they showed that my heart seems fine (the blood tests are for things like calcium and electrolyte levels, they come back in a couple days).
But I'm not fine. I'm having very physical panic attacks several times a day, with all the classic symptoms of trouble breathing, palpitations, pain, shaking, nausea, vision changes... I am just plain SICK with fear most of the time. Classic anxiety, not paranoia or delusions or hallucinations. There's no source that I can pinpoint at all. I am completely confused because there is no reason that it should be there. Things in my life are going well, but I still worry and I'm still afraid of every little thing. I feel like it's more like a foreign sickness or demon that has transported itself into me. I have this idea that if I perfect the art of rebalancing myself holistically, that the FEAR will automatically dissolve because it will have nothing to hold on to.
I just don't know exactly how to do that rebalancing of myself. I know that it needs to be holistic - probably a combination of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healing - but I'm honestly at a loss as to what techniques I should incorporate. I guess this is that time where I really need to let myself receive ideas and energy from my friends and family. I can't afford professional counseling, which is something I could really use, but the type of counselor I need would cost a fortune. You get what you pay for! Sometimes I have been tempted to put myself into a psychiatric ward, but then I remember horrible stories from other people about those incompetent fuckers. I've already been sedated with anti-psychotics in the past - seroquel, zyprexa - and that invasive method of symptom controlling does way more harm than good.
This is what I want. I refuse to believe that I am FEAR. If I really was something so completely evil, I wouldn't be doing as much good in the world as I am doing. I wouldn't have people who believed in me. In this exercise of creating my own reality, I want to create the reality that I am LOVE. All evidence points to this, and so I see FEAR as an illness or a demonic entity. I either need "surgery" or an "exorcism". So now I ask, how, in my inexperience at either one of these, do I pull this off and make it safely into the dawning of our new era of peace love and light?
--
The FEAR is a very interesting thing. It doesn't come from any source. There's nothing to blame in on, nothing to scapegoat. The FEAR just exists. It's just there. On Friday night I could have hypothetically taken a trip on DMT, which will be my last one for quite a while. The FEAR was so overpowering, so terrifying, so dominating that there are no words to describe it. I felt it very physically, a disgusting sensation of needles slamming into my body in the form of energy. I had an instant realization that I fear nothing but FEAR itself, as its own separate entity, yet also such a part of me that all I could think was I AM FEAR. And a strong sensation of loss and despair.
I tried to reprogram my mind by saying mantras like I AM LOVE. But all I managed to do was channel all the fear into my own body. About an hour after I first started the journey, the FEAR finally dissipated. I took some anti-anxiety medication of mine so that I could go to sleep. But sleep did not happen. Immediately after I thought the trip was over, I noticed my heart beginning to pound faster... and faster.. and faster. The palpitations did not let up all night long, palpitations for eleven hours straight. At some point in the night - after trying all my anti-anxiety medication, plus herbs, and an ice pack, and breathing slowly and deeply.... I called 911. The ambulance and fire truck came, they did an EKG, and my heart readings seemed to be just fine. I finally fell into a fitful sleep, waking up two hours later to discover that my heart was still pounding away fast and irregularly. Friday night was four days ago. And the palpitations are still there, on and off, sometimes severely enough that I have to put an ice pack over my heart.
Today I went to the doctor, having made the appointment a month beforehand for the same problem - I've been having heart palpitations and pain for about a year and a half, and some times are more severe than other times - this has definitely been the worst in the past few days, though. The doctor and staff ran some tests - EKG, chest x-ray, blood tests - and they showed that my heart seems fine (the blood tests are for things like calcium and electrolyte levels, they come back in a couple days).
But I'm not fine. I'm having very physical panic attacks several times a day, with all the classic symptoms of trouble breathing, palpitations, pain, shaking, nausea, vision changes... I am just plain SICK with fear most of the time. Classic anxiety, not paranoia or delusions or hallucinations. There's no source that I can pinpoint at all. I am completely confused because there is no reason that it should be there. Things in my life are going well, but I still worry and I'm still afraid of every little thing. I feel like it's more like a foreign sickness or demon that has transported itself into me. I have this idea that if I perfect the art of rebalancing myself holistically, that the FEAR will automatically dissolve because it will have nothing to hold on to.
I just don't know exactly how to do that rebalancing of myself. I know that it needs to be holistic - probably a combination of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healing - but I'm honestly at a loss as to what techniques I should incorporate. I guess this is that time where I really need to let myself receive ideas and energy from my friends and family. I can't afford professional counseling, which is something I could really use, but the type of counselor I need would cost a fortune. You get what you pay for! Sometimes I have been tempted to put myself into a psychiatric ward, but then I remember horrible stories from other people about those incompetent fuckers. I've already been sedated with anti-psychotics in the past - seroquel, zyprexa - and that invasive method of symptom controlling does way more harm than good.
This is what I want. I refuse to believe that I am FEAR. If I really was something so completely evil, I wouldn't be doing as much good in the world as I am doing. I wouldn't have people who believed in me. In this exercise of creating my own reality, I want to create the reality that I am LOVE. All evidence points to this, and so I see FEAR as an illness or a demonic entity. I either need "surgery" or an "exorcism". So now I ask, how, in my inexperience at either one of these, do I pull this off and make it safely into the dawning of our new era of peace love and light?
I will look into the meditation. But PIP, I don't understand, how is love deceitful? Perhaps you mean romance/lust? True love that is unconditional is pure, there's no way it could deceive.
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