need advice about father in-law

[jennyjade]

Hello everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read this because honestly, I'm not sure where to turn for unbiased advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for almost 5 years. There has been a lot of thing and people in the middle of our relationship as well. We have never been able to have a home to ourselves and develop and have a relationship with just our family. His dad has lived with us (boyfriend owned his home) for about two years. Then his sister, her husband, and three kids moved in for a year. Well, finally steve (my boyfriend) was tired of supporting his father and agreed and claimed that we need our family time. He tried helping his dad look into places, but he just wouldn't do it. After financial issues, Steve let go of the house and bought a new one. Forced his father to rent a room close by being certain that he will not live with us. The room his dad rents is in a house and in order to use the kitchen, he would have to pay an extra 25 bucks a month, which i wouldnt mind paying. His only income is c SSDI, which isn't enough to live off of, but he could get a part time job and that would help him greatly. He has kidney failure and does dialysys 3 times a week. While I understand that takes A LOT out of a person, but he doesn't try to do anything, but live off of steve. And he knows steve will feel bad and help him. Now, getting to what I need advice on (sorry I just felt that was important to explain the background). We moved into the new place and his dad has been coming here everyday all day. From morning to late evening. Now I don't mind him being here to eat, because the man's got to eat, but to be here everyday all day is over barring and defeats the whole purpose of things being different and having just us time or to simply have no visitors. My boyfriend does have sister near by who could also help. A few months back we agreed that his dad didn't need to be here everyday. So I only asked that he not come 2 to 3 days a week. But if he needed food he could come but just leave afterwords. Steve talked to his dad. He's dad stopped talking to.him for a week. When he started coming around he was doing it everyday all day. Weeks went by, I mentioned it to steve, he said something to him. Once again, his dad didn't talk to.him for about a week. Then started coming around everyday all day again. The other day I mentioned it to steve and I noticed his dad here still everyday. So I knew steve hadn't talked to him. So I asked if he thought it was good to have another talk with him. He said yeah and went outside with him. Later on when he came in I noticed something wrong with steve and asked what it was. He said he doesn't mind him being here everyday all day and that he can be here and sit outside in his truck and not come in. That I could deal with it and accept it or that he and I were over. Mind you, this was all in front of his dad. Of course we got into an argument. His dad still had the nerve to not even leave. He sstayed till 10 at night. My boyfriend and I are now seperated because he says I'm childish and wrong about that. Am I wrong for asking his dad not to be here 2 to 3 days a week, but can come the rest?

 

[lambdavi]

Hi Jennyjade, this is Lambdavi. New to the Forum but not new to life, I'm 54.

Question: what if you and Steve were to move house again?
What if you two were to find a great job that paid well but had to relocate to an inconvenient distance, so that your Steve's Dad couldn't afford to come and go?
What if you moved OUT for a short time, just to make Steve weigh just how much he needs YOU as opposed to his being subjugated to his own father's personality?

Because... reading your post, and reading it again, and again, I have come to these conclusions :
- Steve is subjugated to his father's personality, and is afraid (yes, afraid) to face him and impose himself on him;
- Steve still has to understand YOU should be more important to him than his Dad; his Dad is his past, YOU are his future;
- your "sis-in-law" couldn't care less, and has found a way to keep "Dad" OUT.

My advice: plan ahead, well ahead, and one day tell him "it's either your Dad or me"; wait for his answer, if it doesn't come, ask again, but don't make a fuss, remember, Steve is afraid of his Dad.
But make sure he understands that either his Dad stops this "unwelcome guestroutine in Penelope's house" or you leave.
(read this short story, see what happened to the unwelcome visitors: http://www.mainlesson.com/display.php?author=baldwin&book=thirty&story=web )
If all your invitations don't work (remember, you planned well ahead) move out one day after Steve goes to work but before his Dad comes over.
Let them both find an empty house, let them miss you.
Make Steve realize how important you are in his life.

If it works, Steve's Dad moves out and you move back in, you win.
If it doesn't work, you moved out just in time before Steve's Dad moved in again, definitely evicting you.
You moved out in time, hence it was your initiative to defend your own self, you win.
It's a win-win situation, but you need one or two good and close friends you can count on.

And... it may hurt.

 

[jennyjade]

Thank you very much for the reply and advice. Steve already broke up with me because he says he's not fighting between his father and I (mind you I haven't made it that way, I simply tried to compromise. His dad is the one who continues to come everyday after steve talked to him). Steve originally was in agreement and understood. Upon getting back together, he assured me his father wouldn't be around all the time. Now he quickly changes everything we agreed on and breaks up with me over. Right then and there was him choosing his father over me. Sad part is, his father has always put me down and got in steves ear by saying negative things about me. Or what I should be doing. Bla bla bla. Since steve broke up with me, he has immediately started talking with females from before me and even visited a dating site. While we were together, he was talking with another girl as friends (one he's known since he was 12 and dated her for 2 years). Well he started getting on fb alllll day long chatting with her. I explained to him I didn't mind him being friends and chatting with her but that I didn't feel it should be every single day throughout the entire day. I feel as if his focus should be here with his family and i, not her day to day situation. He immediately calls me jealous and insecure and I'm wrong and all that. Now he is always home and doesn't go anywhere so it wasn't physical, but definitely emotional. Unfortunately with all this, I kinda think the dad situation, his mom and dad in his ear along with talking woth other women is simply a justification to break up wi th me. I feel it was something that had to be on his mind beforehand. Maybe he feels emotionally connected to someone else and thinks there is someone better. I don't know. But, he's made it clear we are over because I'm childish all that. That, and throwes in my face that we are not married, therefore he doesnt owe me any of that kind of commitment. So I'm just giving him what he asked for. He wants to move on then I'm letting him. We have been so off and on because he breaks up with me every single time I try talking g to him about things I get worried or concerned about which mean a lot to me (which isn't much, I've only asked for 3 to 4 things I. Our 5 year relationship that were important to me. 1. Respect me. Don't talk to women all day everyday. Because he really does. If he's doing that, then I get the impression there's something he's not getting out of us. But, I don't mind him chit chatting and having female friends. 2. Don't be on fb all day long. Which he is. From the time he gets up till well after midnight. It takes from us at home. 3. His dad not being here alllll the time so we can have our time together as a family and to simply just have nobody hear. And 4. Not break up with me Everytime there is a big issue at hand. To work through it. Yes those are big things but alse I've asked for in the past 5 years and he still doesn't respect that. So, I'm just letting him run woth it's my fault and moving on. yes it hurts very bad, but time will make it easier.