Opioids Need a little support.

[WARDMAN3]

Sorry to post this here, if it needs to be moved, moderators, please do so!
I have been here for years and tonight I am feeling blue and just need some support.

I have had a moderate oxy/hydro habit on and off for 10 years. 40-80mgs a day. I had enough and went to a super detox at my local hospital at the end of December. I was placed on suboxone and I never needed more than 6mgs. I tapered down to 2 mgs after a few days. After being on it for 10 days I stopped and was fine until about a week later when I did experience some withdrawals. They were no were near as bad as oxy wds but I decided to go on them for maintenance purposes so I could really get my life back together.

So since then I have been avg about 1-2mgs a day and that does the job. It has enabled me to really focus on recovery and start taking care of myself. I really need to do alot more to better myself, and that is my fault, but the progress I made would not have been possible if I was still using the percocets or vicodin.

Last week I accidentally took a percocet for my back. That was no big deal, but I woke up the next day and was in more pain with my back. My disc was herniated, which thankfully does not happen so much anymore. Well, in a stupid weak moment I decided to fill a prescription for my 10mg percocets. I figured I could use them for a few days to a week and then I could go back to suboxone. Well I did just that and took more than I should have for the past week. I never really got a buzz from them and they casued me more anxiety because of the slip up.

Well I woke up today extremely depressed and anxiety filled as I had only one percocet left. I didn't want to wait for WDS to take the suboxone so I tool the last one at noon. It did nothing. I was so depressed, I decided to take a low dose of suboxone at 4. I took .50mgs and thankfully it didn't put me into precipated withdrawals. I took another .50 at 7pm and I was fine.

So basically right now, I am so depressed and full of anxiety about this slip. I hate the fact that I did what I did and I am having so much anxiety and depression trying to quit the past 9 months. I never had this much anxiety stopping before and it is really getting to me.

I was put on a low dose of xanax in August for this and I stopped this in January because I was terrified of withdrawals. I was taking ambien at the time so I suppose that masked the discomfort of stopping. I stopped the ambien on March 1 and I had electric zaps and twitching for like 3 weeks. That has finally stopped but was scary beacuse I thought I did damage to my nerve system.

So basically, I am terrified of taking any pills now. The thought that they are doing damage to my psyche and system outweights any therapeutic benefit. The suboxone even does this to me but I keep the dose low and I want to taper off which I plan to do right after I stabilize. I have plenty so I can take it real slow. I want all drugs out of my system. I so want a clean life but I am afraid that this nonstop undercurrent of anxiety I have had for 2 years now is never going to go away. Nighttimes are brutal for me. I suffer from insomnia too and when I have to be at work at 5am some days, it affects all aspects of my health.

I just want the anxiety and depression of the mess I put myself in will go away at some point. I deifinitely need to get more physical. In February I starte dwalking 3 miles every day for a week and I did feel better, but when the snowstorms came, I stopped.

Sorry this is so long, I think just writing it out may help me. Am I also safe from precipated withdrawals now since I have had no adverse reaction?? And if I taper off the suboxone will I eventually see the light and feel less anxiety and depression?? I am a dweller and I incessantly think about this so I know that is not helping at all. And of course, I am the classic closet drug abuser. I isolate and none of my friends have a clue.


Thank you all for listening (reading)

 

[barnstable84]

I really believe that you can't dwell on slipping up because everyone is human and everyone has weak moments..

You did a great thing by realising you had a problem and fixing it and staying off any drugs for 9 months, alot of us here may not have even gotten 9 days into going off our habits!

I think you should give yourself a bit of credit and really be proud of the fact you've stood up and shown you are accountable for your own actions and also strong enough to go the distance to turn that around.

Some of your dwelling would definately contribute to your depression so trying to be a little more positive might help you feel like you can do it and then your body will follow through. I'm not very clued in with sub and precipitated withdrawals but I just wanted to offer my support and some feedback from an outsider looking in.

If you need anyone to talk to, hit me up!

 

[soyburglar]

Piggybacking on what barnstable84 said, please remember that recovery is a process...a process which often, and unfortunately, includes slip-ups and relapse. Take from it what you can and learn how you can not do it again. You’re striving for a better life and most people in your situation don’t have the measure of hope that will take them the distance. Being human, at times, can render us vulnerable, weak and subject to failure. But we often overlook the power that we inherently have and what we’re truly capable of.

 

[WARDMAN3]

Thanks for the responses. I am feeling a bit better today. The one issue that I am having that is quite disturbing is a feeling of depersonalization at times. This is very evident after I am awaken. I feel as if I am losing control of my mind and senses and it takes me quite awhile to talk myself down from it. It is more prevalent at night and the fact that I am dwelling on it is not helping at all.

 

[starfarer]

This could be either a temporary thing or it could be evidence of an underlying illness. The best thing to do is to consult a trained professional. Depersonalisation can occur in benzodiazepine dependence (see wikipedia article on depersonalisation for links and info). These symptoms can also be induced in vulnerable individuals by stress, which you are experiencing at the moment. The fact that they are short lived is probably an indicator that they are being brought on by stress.
Hang in there mate and keep updating us on your progress!!

 

[barnstable84]

Being human, at times, can render us vulnerable, weak and subject to failure. But we often overlook the power that we inherently have and what we’re truly capable of.

I agree totally, thats so true. People are capable of some truly mindblowing things. I know its easier said than done, but what you are doing, reaching out and acknowledging your slip ups and asking for help is the first step. Some never realise that it's completely within their power to break the cycle and be free of addiction and depression.

I woke up one day and said to myself that I just didn't want to be so angry and hurt anymore. It was like a fog had been lifted and I realised what I had to do to get out of the rut I was in and did what I needed to do to make a better life for myself. I'm not saying that everyone will have the luxury of the sudden realisation and remedy of mental anguish, but it is something everyone is capable of rising above it all.

Asking for help and letting people support you will do wonders and don't beat yourself up too much if you take one step forward and two steps back. We can't all be strong all of the time so no one expects you to do so. I really hope you succeed in your goals xoxo