Opioids Nearly 6 months clean

[mobius streak]

Notes

Opiate addict for 5 years using Opium Buprenorphine and Dihydrocodeine
Have asperger's OCD and Anxiety/Depression
Am currently on Effexor 300mg daily

Over 5 years I have lived through absolute hell. My depression was so severe that it became a sort of derangement, I had an existential crisis and became convinced that I was in fact a tortured being in hell forced to live through torment after torment.

I got to the stage where I hated opiates. I mean hated them. They helped me to fuck myself over while I depended on them for comfort. It was an abusive relationship essentially and I realised this.

I kicked over Easter using 2-4mg Loperamide and effexor. The reason I post this is that while the kick was not exactly unpleasant it was far from being horrifically painful. I left the clnic in around February and from then till Easter was using Dihydrocodeine in doses which only just held me. In the evenings several meals would sustain me with an added booster dose. I attribute this the use of ULD Naltrexone (found on this site!) and Loperamide to be crucial in how well it all went.


Effexor has also been something else entirely. I probably should have been on SSRI's in the first place. The PAWS period of withdrawal was far from being a period of mourning. I felt emotion returning, desire returning, I started exploring and leaving the house. I started thinking about the future and making plans. I didnt feel as if I was withdrawing I felt as if I was going through a divinely inspired learning experience. A Divine intervention if you will haha. There were times when I was very distressed. My asperger's sensory sensitivities are much much worse than they ever were and my reliance on routine and structure is greater, but I know that I have to pay in some way and im more than glad to suffer extra sensitivity for my freedom!!

Other than that meditation has been crucial. I mean CRUCIAL. I have had cravings to get high which have been stronger than the opiate cravings I very rarely get. Meditation is a way for me to access a state far deeper and more meaningful than the opiated one or any other.

As for cravings I probably dont sound convincing when I say this but I havent had any significant cravings since I kicked. I just wouldnt want to give up everything ive gained through the last 6 months for a drug which will drain my accounts my long term sense of wellbeing and have me chasing a dragon im never going to catch.

Anyway I just felt that I should share my story here because even though the various elements are very specific to me and my biology someone may read this try the same exercise and get clean.... and stay clean.

The most crucial aspect to all this is finding something to replace the high. NOT a drug. I dont do any drugs any more other than nicotine and caffeine. Meditation replaces my need to get high but if you dont have the patience to meditate try exercise or any number of activities that will excite your pulse or that you can get absorbed in.

Eating healthily is obviously crucial as is exercise... lots of fruit and veg, lots of water,plenty of sleep, consistent meals (Eating makes me feel amazing. If I havent eaten I feel absolutely awful groggy and depressed)

Venlafaxine (effexor) was useful for me for whatever reason but people do have difficult times on it (and getting off it).

P.S. I used tiny micro doses of naltrexone while I was on the codeine which helped alot. I also used proglumetacin (protaxon forte) which is related to proglumide.

 

[rhun]

I may be wrong, but because you don't have a specific question I think this is going to be better suited to Sober Living. And you'll probably get more responses there too.

Congrats on getting clean and getting into a more healthy lifestyle. Sounds like you're doing well. I usually suggest some kind of recovery program (whether it's counseling, 12 step, group therapy, etc) for opiate addicts but because you're not having cravings, and you were using opioids that are on the milder side of the spectrum, you may be okay as long as you continue to make progress.

 

[mobius streak]

Thanks :-D im guessing there isn't a big red button around here somewhere I can push to signal the mods? XD

I appreciate too that I was using reasonably mild opiates. Opium is up there however. Ive heard it compared to higher opiates and even placed above them as far as oral dosing goes. I think that money was another factor. I never had enough money to buy opiates so I was miserable and craving most of the time when I wasnt on bupe or Opium. For the months leading up to the kick I had some hellish times. In fact that period was WORSE than the kick period due to it being winter/early spring due to university commitments and due to social issues. I planned my kick so that I only had a few more pieces of coursework and a performance left. I managed to get it all done!

Life is so much better now I actually cried when I saw that Flying Lotus' album Until the quiet comes is on spotify XD then there's coronus the terminator. Cant waaaaaaaait for You're dead.


Its been tough and ive had strong suicidal urges I have urges to self harm which are far more pronounced than any of my drug cravings and I feel listless and exhausted alot of the time. The awesome thing however is that every day I make new non drug related memories. With every new positive sober association I make I get further and further from my addiction. The hardest nut to crack is those associations. I thought i'd never be able to listen to my favourite songs again but with time and new songs ive been able to tentatively return to them.

 

[rhun]

^ You can actually press the little triangle at the bottom left corner of your post. It's the Report button but you won't get in trouble and you can include a message asking them to move it. It's not red but close right?

I can definitely relate to your post as some of it reminds me of shit I went through before I became an IV user and was using primarily oxycodone and morphine (very high dosage tho).

I remember when I first got physically dependent we moved into this big house out in the woods in the dead of winter and there was no heat for two weeks. I honestly think I might have maybe quit if I wasn't so miserably cold and hadn't just gotten promoted.

I have some pretty gnarly cutting and burning scars, most of them from detox and early recovery. Something about opiate withdrawal does that to me. Someone told me cutting releases endorphins which would make a lot of sense... all of us opiate addicts are endorphin deficient when we quit.