TDS My whole reality is based on a lie - letter to my therapist

[Lightning-Nl]

This is a letter I just sent off to my therapist, but I thought it may be worth while to post here. I'm not sure what to make of it. Input would be greatly appreciated, thanks guys.

I was asked just a second ago by my mother how our last meeting went. I told her horrible, and I’m sure you agree. I didn’t understand during the session why both you and my dad were giving me dirty looks when I felt like I was being very honest, but I fully understand why now, because of the conversation I had with my dad on the way home from that session.

He was quite angry because he felt like I had lied about him. He has every right to be angry, so I’ll go into that. He told me that I would never make any progress if I lied. I got really angry at him because I thought he was the one that was lying. But then he brought up some really good points. These points made me start questioning my own recall of events which made me have an epiphany.

I’m remembering things that didn’t actually happen, based on things that did happen. In the case of this, I believe what happened was; my need to make sense out of events led to me “filling in the blanks” (so to speak). I believe this happened because I know what the effect is, but I don’t know the cause. Because of this, I took what I already knew and in a sense, repackaged it and delivered it to myself. I think I’ve been doing this for years, but I didn’t realize it till just now. When all of these blanks are “filled” with the most logical answer I can come up with, I start obsessing over it. This obsession turns into a false realization and recollection of memories that didn’t actually happen.

For years I’ve been doing this, but I didn’t realize it till just now. That’s why I feel like this was one of our most important sessions. It made me realize what’s happening.
More importantly, however, I started wondering why I was doing this and after thinking about it – I had another epiphany. I’m doing this because it’s a distraction. It’s all an illusion to keep me from remembering what actually happened.

When I realized this, I felt very embarrassed because I also realized that I knew it wasn’t true, but I hid that fact from myself (for lack of a better explanation). I desperately wanted what I said about my father to be true because whatever actually is traumatizing me is so painful that I desperately don’t want to remember it.
This was actually something that was difficult to admit to myself because of how embarrassing it is. When things like this have happened to me in the past, I completely avoid whoever it was that this happened with. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s probably where a ton of my social anxiety comes from.

Anyways, I could tell you were angry after that, which I don’t blame you. I angry at myself to be honest. But what’s so odd is the fact that I didn’t realize I was lying until I was proven wrong. Somehow, I lied to myself. While what I said was true, I believe what was fabricated was the frequency at which such events with my dad occurred.

I also believe that’s why when I was trying to pull things from my memory, I couldn’t because nothing was actually there.

Anyways, I’m not sure how to feel about this, so I can’t imagine how someone else would feel. Also, I should say that I’m not even sure if this is true. I realized that even I can’t trust what I’m saying which is very confusing, disturbing, and anxiety-inducing. I’m literally questioning my whole world at the moment. But I guess that makes sense. If my whole perception of reality is based on a lie, I guess that’s what anyone else’s normal reaction to the situation would be.

Something else I should mention is the fact that I’m not certain if this entire letter is a lie. I can’t say for certain. But this is what makes the most sense to me. Knowing how I’ve reacted in the past, I may change my mind later. But due to the amount of anxiety these realizations have caused, I think I’m on the right track.

 

[T. Calderone]

I think it's good that you're making progress in therapy and hope your dad isn't still angry. It's a big milestone now that you are able to recall that the memories of certain events are not real at all. It's wild what a person's mind chooses to remember or completely forget. I did this too and certain family members reminded me what actually happened years later. I would say self-preservation kicks in especially with childhood trauma. You can only go forward from here, don't be scared because you're doing the right thing.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I think it's good that you're making progress in therapy and hope your dad isn't still angry. It's a big milestone now that you are able to recall that the memories of certain events are not real at all. It's wild what a person's mind chooses to remember or completely forget. I did this too and certain family members reminded me what actually happened years later. I would say self-preservation kicks in especially with childhood trauma. You can only go forward from here, don't be scared because you're doing the right thing.

Can you give me some insight on how you got past this? Because at the moment - I'm dissociating really badly. Hallucinations are very prominent at the moment, and my anxiety is so high that all I'm able to do is stare at my wall dissociated. Also, how did you proceed from here? Because, I thought for sure that I had everything figured out, but realizing that everything I thought was real was a lie is one of the most discouraging things I've ever experienced...

 

[Pleh]

Try looking at it from the angle that you are correct.
Everyone makes mistakes. You made some mistakes. It could have been because you subconsciously filtered or forgot portions of your memories. Maybe as you constantly tried to recreate these experiences you altered them. These alterations could produce detrimental thought patterns because of all the paranoia, anxiety and hopelessness that can result from being depressed about what happened to you. Even if what actually happened was a common bearable experience. This could mean it was your own mind that allowed you to spiral into this enclosed cycle. Regardless of this, you know to treat your family well and have been in therapy. You need to relax. You are not hurting others, and more then likely those around you do not want to cause you any harm

You just have to be courageous enough to embrace what happened and let it be in the past. Don't replay scenarios in your head philosophically or stair blankly into objects on purpose. Doing stuff like this can produce unsettling effects even in the most sane individual. Since the goal is to feel better you cannot dwell on previous ideas of what is real/false but just need to spend your time in a pleasurable and hopefully not harmful manner.

 

[Zerrr]

I would try to focus your mind on some kind of activity.

A good run is always rejuvenating..

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I got a job. That is helping immensely. I feel the most "normal" I've ever felt when I'm at work. It really helps keep my mind off of things and while I'm there, I have no hallucinations, very little anxiety (for some reason) and after almost two years of very little social interaction outside of my family. But the second I get home, my anxiety comes back with a vengeance. I hate being at home and being alone more than ever!

Can anyone input on that?