MilzyWilzy
Bluelighter
Well, first off, let me introduce myself to you all. I am 30, female and from the United Kingdom.
I will start my story that begins back in February 2014. I was pregnant with a little baby girl, the pregnancy was going well until my 38th week. I had been told by my clinicians that I had to have my baby early via a cesarean section. This floored me but I knew it was the right option for the sake of my baby's life. The operation was truly frightening for me but I delivered a healthy baby girl and all was well - or so I thought.
I was as in love as any new mother is with her brand new, beautiful bundle of joy, then BAM, on day 3 post delivery I had the incredible urge to scream and anyone and anything. This was only the start.
A couple of weeks passed in this angry and agressive haze. I would not let my baby's father even go near her, let alone touch her. I had been prescribed Dihydrocodeine for after the birth but never took them before now. I started to take a couple each day, they made things seem a touch brighter but nothing to write home about. I realised that they were extended release tablets and after digging around on Google about how to cancel out the time release on them, I began the method of doing so. The amounts I was taking was more and more each day until I reached 300mg twice/three times daily (not a recommended dose, so please no one copy my delusional decisions.)
I loved my new little world and rituals surrounding my opiate use, everyday gave me a warm glow and a blanket of pleasure.
Soon after my thoughts became irrational, I had convinced myself that me and my baby had been sent to an alternate world and that we were being punished and that people were plotting to kill us.
I analysed everyone and everything in great detail, I saw a man repeatedly following me, I thought he must have been the one behind the plot to kill us so I went to my doctor and told him of my concerns. He then would not let me leave the surgery without an adult escort. I thought this was normal behaviour at the time.
Anyeah, weeks passed by. I continued on in this living hell, still addicted to Dihydrocodeine. It didn't do anything for me at this stage, my body just needed it.
Thoughts then started to emerge in my head that the government had created the Ebola virus to also try to kill me and baby. This sent me into a frenzy, I was telling everyone I knew that I knew what the gov were up to and I was on to them. People stared at me like I had completely lost the plot.
I was at this point prescribed Tramadol, what a godsend. My use quickly escalated to using 400+mg daily (very bad dosage decision.)
I quickly ran out of my supply so I began lying to doctors to get more Tramadol goodies. In time, I was completely off this planet and took an accidental overdose of the Tramadol. What a very horrible experience.
Still continuing on this path of terror and suspicion, my mental state was getting worse. I was hearing voices although they were more comforting than invasive.
I kept hearing my doorbell ringing and was thinking it was a calling from the 'real' world. I dashed out into the street telling people that I knew what was going on and they were blind that they couldn't see it. Plots and plans to kill me were everywhere, in everything I analysed.
I then started with the visual hallucinations, I could see demon faces within the patterns on my wallpaper. I was screaming at them to stop torturing me. The demon faces were everywhere, I was a nervous wreck. It was on this occasion that I made my first attempt on my life. I was hospitalised and placed on anti psych medication. I never took my meds a lot of the time as I thought the 'professionals' were trying to drug me and torture/kill me, so I had a few relapses.
Further on down the line was the point that I had discovered the world of research chemicals. I researched my days away and decided on trying Ethylphenidate.
I started using this a couple of times a week, then 3, then 4. Then when I hit a very unpleasant week, I took this every day for one week. One night I went too far, I consumed an extortionately high amount, I will not say on here in the manner of harm reduction. I overdosed on this stuff, I lay paralysed for 8 hours, I was delerious and in a very bad way physically. I was too afraid of everyone by now that I didn't even trust anyone to call an ambulance. I got over the overdose but it took me a few days.
A few weeks later I decide enough is enough, I had a spur of the moment decision to take my own life for the second time. I could not survive in this fake world any longer. I gathered up what was left of my Ethylphenidate and various tablets and consumed with alcohol. Shit. A brief moment of reality set in. I was scared, I was alone, I was out of control. I called an ambulance and everyone that I knew.
I was hospitalised for the night, I don't remember much about it other than being completely out of it and waking up in a psychiatric ward. I had to stay there for the best part of a week. I had to be put in an anti psych injection due to the inconsistency of taking my medication.
This was 17 months ago when my hell first started. I feel my life is in my control now, I am no longer having psychotic episodes and tendencies due to my illness being appropriately managed. I am feeling much stronger each day and I also kicked the opiate and Tramadol abuse, very hard but so very worth it.
Everyday that there is breath in my body I will fight for my children, my happiness, my absolution.
I just wanted to share my story on puperal psychosis (post natal psychosis) in the hope that someone may see my journey as beneficial to them.
Puperal psychosis is very real and very terrifying. I thought self medicating with various drugs and doing it all alone was what I had to do.
Please, if there is anyone suffering from psychosis and need any help or advice, feel free to contact me and I will do my best for you.
Please don't suffer alone. You have at least one person there for you - ME
I would also like to hear any success stories in battling with psychosis, I would love to hear people's stories.
Take care and stay safe everyone x
I will start my story that begins back in February 2014. I was pregnant with a little baby girl, the pregnancy was going well until my 38th week. I had been told by my clinicians that I had to have my baby early via a cesarean section. This floored me but I knew it was the right option for the sake of my baby's life. The operation was truly frightening for me but I delivered a healthy baby girl and all was well - or so I thought.
I was as in love as any new mother is with her brand new, beautiful bundle of joy, then BAM, on day 3 post delivery I had the incredible urge to scream and anyone and anything. This was only the start.
A couple of weeks passed in this angry and agressive haze. I would not let my baby's father even go near her, let alone touch her. I had been prescribed Dihydrocodeine for after the birth but never took them before now. I started to take a couple each day, they made things seem a touch brighter but nothing to write home about. I realised that they were extended release tablets and after digging around on Google about how to cancel out the time release on them, I began the method of doing so. The amounts I was taking was more and more each day until I reached 300mg twice/three times daily (not a recommended dose, so please no one copy my delusional decisions.)
I loved my new little world and rituals surrounding my opiate use, everyday gave me a warm glow and a blanket of pleasure.
Soon after my thoughts became irrational, I had convinced myself that me and my baby had been sent to an alternate world and that we were being punished and that people were plotting to kill us.
I analysed everyone and everything in great detail, I saw a man repeatedly following me, I thought he must have been the one behind the plot to kill us so I went to my doctor and told him of my concerns. He then would not let me leave the surgery without an adult escort. I thought this was normal behaviour at the time.
Anyeah, weeks passed by. I continued on in this living hell, still addicted to Dihydrocodeine. It didn't do anything for me at this stage, my body just needed it.
Thoughts then started to emerge in my head that the government had created the Ebola virus to also try to kill me and baby. This sent me into a frenzy, I was telling everyone I knew that I knew what the gov were up to and I was on to them. People stared at me like I had completely lost the plot.
I was at this point prescribed Tramadol, what a godsend. My use quickly escalated to using 400+mg daily (very bad dosage decision.)
I quickly ran out of my supply so I began lying to doctors to get more Tramadol goodies. In time, I was completely off this planet and took an accidental overdose of the Tramadol. What a very horrible experience.
Still continuing on this path of terror and suspicion, my mental state was getting worse. I was hearing voices although they were more comforting than invasive.
I kept hearing my doorbell ringing and was thinking it was a calling from the 'real' world. I dashed out into the street telling people that I knew what was going on and they were blind that they couldn't see it. Plots and plans to kill me were everywhere, in everything I analysed.
I then started with the visual hallucinations, I could see demon faces within the patterns on my wallpaper. I was screaming at them to stop torturing me. The demon faces were everywhere, I was a nervous wreck. It was on this occasion that I made my first attempt on my life. I was hospitalised and placed on anti psych medication. I never took my meds a lot of the time as I thought the 'professionals' were trying to drug me and torture/kill me, so I had a few relapses.
Further on down the line was the point that I had discovered the world of research chemicals. I researched my days away and decided on trying Ethylphenidate.
I started using this a couple of times a week, then 3, then 4. Then when I hit a very unpleasant week, I took this every day for one week. One night I went too far, I consumed an extortionately high amount, I will not say on here in the manner of harm reduction. I overdosed on this stuff, I lay paralysed for 8 hours, I was delerious and in a very bad way physically. I was too afraid of everyone by now that I didn't even trust anyone to call an ambulance. I got over the overdose but it took me a few days.
A few weeks later I decide enough is enough, I had a spur of the moment decision to take my own life for the second time. I could not survive in this fake world any longer. I gathered up what was left of my Ethylphenidate and various tablets and consumed with alcohol. Shit. A brief moment of reality set in. I was scared, I was alone, I was out of control. I called an ambulance and everyone that I knew.
I was hospitalised for the night, I don't remember much about it other than being completely out of it and waking up in a psychiatric ward. I had to stay there for the best part of a week. I had to be put in an anti psych injection due to the inconsistency of taking my medication.
This was 17 months ago when my hell first started. I feel my life is in my control now, I am no longer having psychotic episodes and tendencies due to my illness being appropriately managed. I am feeling much stronger each day and I also kicked the opiate and Tramadol abuse, very hard but so very worth it.
Everyday that there is breath in my body I will fight for my children, my happiness, my absolution.
I just wanted to share my story on puperal psychosis (post natal psychosis) in the hope that someone may see my journey as beneficial to them.
Puperal psychosis is very real and very terrifying. I thought self medicating with various drugs and doing it all alone was what I had to do.
Please, if there is anyone suffering from psychosis and need any help or advice, feel free to contact me and I will do my best for you.
Please don't suffer alone. You have at least one person there for you - ME
I would also like to hear any success stories in battling with psychosis, I would love to hear people's stories.
Take care and stay safe everyone x
