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TDS my spouse ust discovered my secret life as a drug addict, how do I make it better

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walterdini

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Joined
Aug 28, 2012
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I met my spouse while I was on Bupe, I was 2 years clean @ the time, they knew about the bupe and were ok with it. We had kids, asked me to get off the bupe, I tried, but relapsed, although never let anyone know. As far as my spouse knew I was sober off bupe and everything, but in reality I was using, and when that got too hard to keep secret b/c of the money and shadyness req'd to keep that life under wraps, I. Secretly went on methadone. Then secretly tappered and got off the done.

Well they juust discovered I was on mmt b/c I left a paper from the clinic in my clothing accidentally. I came clean about it all, but destroyed the trust. My trust w/ them was destroyed already, and I was building it back up--the mmt allowed me to do that. But now I destroyed it again.

What do I do? How do I rebuild that trust? What do I say to explain ? Hasanyone else been in this situation before, on my side or the other side.? Is there anything you would want to hear or know to help mend the relationship if you were in this position? Any help , advise, thoughs, experiences, w/e are all appreciated. This person is the love of my life and I hate that I've ruined our relationship...

Thanks,
 
Above all I think you need to be understanding of your partner and accepting of their disappointment/anger. You were dishonest, and there are going to be consequences. It was that way w/ my family - and that trust took a long time to start recovering.

I would avoid minimizing in any way - ie "I was just on mmt - not heroin!"
 
I would forgive you. But im a junkie and understand. IMO, I don't think you did anything wrong personally, besides not being honest. Opioid dependence is a real medical condition and most people cannot just stop. The brain's functioning has changed and it needs to be treated and takes time to get back to a somewhat sort of normal.
 
^ i agree with moe that not minimizing what this experience is for your family is very important. Beyond that, I feel like it would be good for the secrecy and the judgments that underlie the secrecy to be put to rest. You have an addiction and you are taking care of it. It isn't always straightforward. One thing that isn't clear from your post is where you are now? Are you on anything? Because if the big secret is that you got off heroin, then got off bupe, relapsed, went on methadone and now have tapered off methadone then that would seem to call for celebration, not panic. I understand that the crux of the matter for your spouse is the lying (and she has every right to feel that way) but understanding why there is so much lying around addiction is important. There are two facets: one is the lying that you do to yourself and others to stay with the drug. The other facet is the stigma associated with drug addiction. Those are two very different things because one you and only you have control over (lying to yourself and others) but the second one that stems from the stigma is one that both you and your wife have to confront. Your wife has a responsibility to create a safe space for honesty. Believe me, as the mother of someone that had an addiction I know this territory well. When they say that addiction is a family illness they are right. So much shame and secrecy and dishonesty grows up around addiction. That is why I am so passionate about destroying the stigma--that IMO is the ultimate harm reduction.

Have you considered counseling? If you do go, I would make sure it is someone familiar with addiction counseling as well--maybe even a person in longtime recovery. Bottom line is that you need to be honest now, accept that the trust was broken and that it will take time to repair, resist the urge to use over this hard hurdle in your life and relationship and try to be both gentle and respectful of yourself as well as your spouse.<3
 
So are you completely clean now? That is a plus. Counseling and Therapy would be good as well and eventually the family should be included (provided the provider thinks its a good idea). Basically action and time are the major allies you have right now.

Be easy on yourself and others. Do not use. Best of luck.
 
herbavore said:
That is why I am so passionate about destroying the stigma--that IMO is the ultimate harm reduction.
Click to expand...

When people become more comfortable w/ their humanity, and thus their faults, the world will be a much more healthy and harmonious place.

walterdini, even though everyone here is telling you it is a good thing if you are off of dope and only relapsed via mmt (and it is ;)), you should still prepare for your partner and loved ones to not see it this way. As I said, take time to understand their anger. Confront that; don't run form it.
 
I've been in a very similar situation except I came out clean before she found out.

I was also in the deepest part of my active addiction. This was 40ish days ago. Needless to say it has not been a fun 40 days.. haha..but it has been a clean 40 days.

Her faith and trust in me has been shattered. The only thing you really can do is listen, accept all the blame, admit your faults, apologize, and perhaps go to counseling. Come clean about everything. It will make you feel better and will lead to a better relationship in the end.

I agree with confronting the anger, not hiding from it.
 
In your post you say that your wife wanted you to get off of the Bupe, so you did. Was that what you wanted to do? I am not trying to suggest that this is all your wife's fault, but while you are working to repair the relationship, I hope you will also focus on what you need to do to keep clean. I know that many people believe that you aren't clean if you are on Bupe, but I would hope that you get to decide what your recovery looks like. As for how to repair your relationship, I can only suggest honesty.
 
What was the reason they wanted you to get off of bupe to begin with? It sounds like you may have not been ready to get off of it. How long after you stopped using bupe until you had relapsed?
 
Yes, there is no shame in being on Bupe. I took it myself for close to two years and I sometimes wonder if I got off it a half a year too early.
 
I would apologize for being dishonest and initiate a discussion to end the root of this problem.. I think you and your wife and family should discuss the maintenance therapy and the benefits, which are great.. and the possible down falls, of which there are some for you, but seem to be little for your wife or family as you have been able to be on the medication without them knowing for a long time and the ability to be happy and a good husband and father while also not having to get high on opiates is the real goal isn't it.. please quit the shame game and bring this out in the open with your wife.. a good way to explain addiction to someone who isn't familiar with it is to say the same place in the brain that creates hunger (the overwhelming drive to eat food) also creates the drug addiction (the overwhelming drive to use a drug), so to explain addiction to anon addict tell them to not eat for ten days so then they will understand the drive at the end of those ten days look at them and smile and gently say now that you know the power of addiction put it into my perspective and what you went through in these ten days is what you are asking me to go through for the rest of my life.... sometimes the best way to gain the trust of another is to stop losing it because you do not trust them...
 
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