love him to death, but i don't know if i'll ever be able to tell him that to his face. he's 63, used to be a fat buddahead and says he liked lsd back in the day. anyways, growing up it was like he never really heard what we were saying, just heard what he wanted to. and when he was in a bad mood he would strait explode on the family, sometimes for no reason at all and we would just have to sit and take it. like onetime i got socked in the eye because i didn't want a soda he offered me(i was 8 or 9 at the time). anyways, growing up i've had alot of bitter feelings towards my dad. i mostly hated him for the way he treated my mom and the rest of my family.
he was very bipolar growing up. he would teach me and my brother a ton of shit about cars and mechanics along with how to be a man and good things like that. the thing is, as soon as we made 1 mistake he would blow his fucking top. even if it was our first time trying something he'd flip. and there wasn't anything we could say or do but keep our mouths closed to calm him down. if we spoke, it became an argument. he told me that he loved me and was proud of me 4 or 5 times that i can remember. 1 time when i was just starting to get decent at the guitar, another when i graduated high school, another when i got a decent job, and the last time i remeber is when i moved out of state.
anyways, to get to the point, im 21 now, living at home again while working full time. the only time i see my parents is when i leave for work, and if im still around the house when they get home from work(which is 30 mins maybe an hr). me and my mom have a decent relationship but i still feel like i don't know who either of them really are. like i know them on a surface level, but neither of us really know who the other is and why we are the way we are. and this has driven me crazy for as long as i can remember. now my dad has been diagnosed with a possible brain tumor and it gives me horrible anxiety everytime i think about it. the worst part is when i try to communicate these feelings towards him i freeze. it feelsl ike my body goes into defense mode when im around him. i immediately get into a quiet and bad mood. to top it off, he will ramble about whatever is on his mind even if i offer no response, and he'll continue to talk as i start to walk away. he doesn't really give me a chance to speak, nor does it seem like he cares to hear my response. he'll argue opinions like they are facts so i keep my opinions to myself, but i just want to tell him that i love him and thank him for all the shit he has taught me before its too late. how do i do this?? i feel like if i just say it he wont even hear me. i just want to be able to get along with my parents and feel comfortable around them and i have no idea how to go about it. i've been failing at this my entire life it seems...![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
he was very bipolar growing up. he would teach me and my brother a ton of shit about cars and mechanics along with how to be a man and good things like that. the thing is, as soon as we made 1 mistake he would blow his fucking top. even if it was our first time trying something he'd flip. and there wasn't anything we could say or do but keep our mouths closed to calm him down. if we spoke, it became an argument. he told me that he loved me and was proud of me 4 or 5 times that i can remember. 1 time when i was just starting to get decent at the guitar, another when i graduated high school, another when i got a decent job, and the last time i remeber is when i moved out of state.
anyways, to get to the point, im 21 now, living at home again while working full time. the only time i see my parents is when i leave for work, and if im still around the house when they get home from work(which is 30 mins maybe an hr). me and my mom have a decent relationship but i still feel like i don't know who either of them really are. like i know them on a surface level, but neither of us really know who the other is and why we are the way we are. and this has driven me crazy for as long as i can remember. now my dad has been diagnosed with a possible brain tumor and it gives me horrible anxiety everytime i think about it. the worst part is when i try to communicate these feelings towards him i freeze. it feelsl ike my body goes into defense mode when im around him. i immediately get into a quiet and bad mood. to top it off, he will ramble about whatever is on his mind even if i offer no response, and he'll continue to talk as i start to walk away. he doesn't really give me a chance to speak, nor does it seem like he cares to hear my response. he'll argue opinions like they are facts so i keep my opinions to myself, but i just want to tell him that i love him and thank him for all the shit he has taught me before its too late. how do i do this?? i feel like if i just say it he wont even hear me. i just want to be able to get along with my parents and feel comfortable around them and i have no idea how to go about it. i've been failing at this my entire life it seems...
