We were a dynamic duo. She was kicked out of her home in another state due to her iv oxy use and came to new york. I met her at a halloween party, gorgeous girl. We were rolling.
It was the night we were getting the rolls for that night, she said she couldn't find an OC connect here so she was just going to get H. I had been an IV cocaine user and wanted to try H, so I said why not. He wasn't available. Tomorrow would be the day we get it. The next day I met her around a local community college and Mr. Brownstone.
And down the rabbit hole we go. Together we went into the bathroom of mcdonalds - our first date. On the menu, a girl of another sort. I put too much water in the cooker and wasted half a bag because I didn't realize how much I was soon to value that substance and tossed it in the toilet. I shot the other half of the bag.
It was a feeling difficult to describe, not the opiate sedation I was familiar with from vicodin or percocet. I was in a dream like state.
My date forgot her manners and blacked out in the restroom. I hid the syringe which she managed to cap before slipping into unconsciousness. I told the staff she was anemic when they proceeded to open the door and noticed that she had passed out. She awoke shortly after and we left.
Life seemed pretty simple after that. Score, bang our stuff together, rinse, repeat. Fastforward six months. I blackout in my high school's bathroom. So I'm sent to detox, I relapse. I manage to graduate high school. Sweet. And I got into an okay school, it isn't ivyleague but hey, I'm no elitist.
Well she moves to some other state, and I move upstate to begin college. And oh I've been doing fantastic. I've gained 30 pounds, muscle mass, I haven't been this in shape in my life, ever!
Although when I first got here I was going to nyc every weekend to score, that's over though and I've been done for over a month, from all substances. (Minus the occasional joint on weekends. Hey it's college!)
She still smokes daily, and now she tells me she's going to her hometown and plans on scoring when she's there, even though she's been clean from dope and oxy for a while (despite still using everything else). She recites the junkie verbatim, "I'm allowed to have fun every once in a while."
It hurts. Why? I care about her.
I feel moral frailty will be the downfall of us all. My weakness being passion towards someone inferior (a slave to their vices, I feel one who is a slave to their vices shall remain inferior on the bottom of the social ladder. One who is a slave to themselves is a slave to all). I am no longer a slave, but rather someone in control of their life and a clear vision of what's important to them, yet I find myself asking, once more?
She obviously isn't helping me. But she's beautiful. Maybe not inside, but I ask this question as well -
Do I abandon those who I can help? My girlfriend has not abandoned me, she has never used a drug before and has been there to help me through my addiction. I didn't want help, I got it, and eventually I used it and came to the realization that things could be better.
But in the process I'm sure I've scarred my girlfriends life, scarred with pain she may not have been exposed to, I've made her less pure.
Trying to save another will drag you down. It really will. I don't want to be part of the vicious race(As "animal collective" so poetically puts it), but I've been so behind for the last four years due to my own moral frailty, I think I should worry about myself just so I can be a normal member of society, with a chance at happiness.
Sometimes I feel like using. Sometimes I feel like saying why not? I know it won't make me happy longterm, but it's a familiar feeling that I associate with this person who I had been infatuated with, sort of like that psych experiment with Pavlov's dogs. Can I not experience sedated bliss once in a while?
She sickens me now, should I feel this way? I don't want to abandon her, I don't want to be a bad friend. This is the best she's been doing in years, and this is also the best I've been doing as well, and to know that she has made the decision to use before she even gets to her hometown makes me kinda sad.
Off topic
I've noticed a trend of people responding with TL;DR. Seriously? If it's too long then don't post or even attempt to give advice, it won't be good advice due to your lack of understanding of the situation and may have even been answered had you read the post in its entirety. In my opinion, this should be discouraged ESPECIALLY in TDS(Or anything harm reduction related for the matter), where bad advice can be the difference between life and death.
It was the night we were getting the rolls for that night, she said she couldn't find an OC connect here so she was just going to get H. I had been an IV cocaine user and wanted to try H, so I said why not. He wasn't available. Tomorrow would be the day we get it. The next day I met her around a local community college and Mr. Brownstone.
And down the rabbit hole we go. Together we went into the bathroom of mcdonalds - our first date. On the menu, a girl of another sort. I put too much water in the cooker and wasted half a bag because I didn't realize how much I was soon to value that substance and tossed it in the toilet. I shot the other half of the bag.
It was a feeling difficult to describe, not the opiate sedation I was familiar with from vicodin or percocet. I was in a dream like state.
My date forgot her manners and blacked out in the restroom. I hid the syringe which she managed to cap before slipping into unconsciousness. I told the staff she was anemic when they proceeded to open the door and noticed that she had passed out. She awoke shortly after and we left.
Life seemed pretty simple after that. Score, bang our stuff together, rinse, repeat. Fastforward six months. I blackout in my high school's bathroom. So I'm sent to detox, I relapse. I manage to graduate high school. Sweet. And I got into an okay school, it isn't ivyleague but hey, I'm no elitist.
Well she moves to some other state, and I move upstate to begin college. And oh I've been doing fantastic. I've gained 30 pounds, muscle mass, I haven't been this in shape in my life, ever!
Although when I first got here I was going to nyc every weekend to score, that's over though and I've been done for over a month, from all substances. (Minus the occasional joint on weekends. Hey it's college!)
She still smokes daily, and now she tells me she's going to her hometown and plans on scoring when she's there, even though she's been clean from dope and oxy for a while (despite still using everything else). She recites the junkie verbatim, "I'm allowed to have fun every once in a while."
It hurts. Why? I care about her.
I feel moral frailty will be the downfall of us all. My weakness being passion towards someone inferior (a slave to their vices, I feel one who is a slave to their vices shall remain inferior on the bottom of the social ladder. One who is a slave to themselves is a slave to all). I am no longer a slave, but rather someone in control of their life and a clear vision of what's important to them, yet I find myself asking, once more?
She obviously isn't helping me. But she's beautiful. Maybe not inside, but I ask this question as well -
Do I abandon those who I can help? My girlfriend has not abandoned me, she has never used a drug before and has been there to help me through my addiction. I didn't want help, I got it, and eventually I used it and came to the realization that things could be better.
But in the process I'm sure I've scarred my girlfriends life, scarred with pain she may not have been exposed to, I've made her less pure.
Trying to save another will drag you down. It really will. I don't want to be part of the vicious race(As "animal collective" so poetically puts it), but I've been so behind for the last four years due to my own moral frailty, I think I should worry about myself just so I can be a normal member of society, with a chance at happiness.
Sometimes I feel like using. Sometimes I feel like saying why not? I know it won't make me happy longterm, but it's a familiar feeling that I associate with this person who I had been infatuated with, sort of like that psych experiment with Pavlov's dogs. Can I not experience sedated bliss once in a while?
She sickens me now, should I feel this way? I don't want to abandon her, I don't want to be a bad friend. This is the best she's been doing in years, and this is also the best I've been doing as well, and to know that she has made the decision to use before she even gets to her hometown makes me kinda sad.
Off topic
I've noticed a trend of people responding with TL;DR. Seriously? If it's too long then don't post or even attempt to give advice, it won't be good advice due to your lack of understanding of the situation and may have even been answered had you read the post in its entirety. In my opinion, this should be discouraged ESPECIALLY in TDS(Or anything harm reduction related for the matter), where bad advice can be the difference between life and death.
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