Yo bro I took your advice. Thank you so much the both of you. I came to my senses. I can't do this to myself man. I can't. I've already had therapy in the works for a long while, I'm just waiting for my appointment. I will be honest about everything, at least I hope I will. I came so far. It has been months of quitting this shit. Dude... I got high as fuck and I thought about how I was throwing all my progress away for a hit. I just broke out in tears and I'm getting right back on track. If anything, I am going to quit even faster, but I am going to take it easy this week. It's going to be a rough one, but that's okay. It's not worth it.
I saw a spirit tonight. It was a sign. I'm not sure why, but I was resting in bed and I opened my eyes and there was a tall, thin, clothed, dark-haired woman dressed in red and black staring right at me. When she noticed my eyes were ever so slightly open and I could see her, she quickly turned around and vanished into thin air. Like she was afraid to be seen by me. It was really creepy, and I had a dream that my place had been ransacked by someone who found all my pills and psychs and everything was exposed, I was worried who had found out about my habit in my dream. I could be going crazy. I am probably a prime candidate for schizophrenia at this point, although there is no family history of anything apart from panic attacks. But I took it as a sign; someway; somehow. It blew my mind regarding the mysteries of life, and somehow I found the strength very quickly after having this vision. I don't know how the hell that could be considered a wakeup call, but it was. It's not too late. It has been 2 days, I'm sure I will suffer but not like before. I will continue to fall and pick myself back up again. She looked exactly like my friend Laura, who talks to me the most about my problems. She is always saying that she is with me in spirit, and today was the first day since I started to quit that we didn't talk. It was just weird man... normally when I see spirits they are transparent and ethereal (when I was a kid mainly) but this entity did NOT like to be seen.
I am getting right back on track before it's too late. And I'm watching my benzo use too. It has been completely out of control the past week or two. I'm just glad I somehow found the strength, even if it's from finding meaning in some swisscheese-brain-fried perceptual experience. I had been drinking several cups of chamomile, and taking immense quantities of Valerian. It's really not worth it at all at this point to continue using, and I am going to carry on like this shit didn't happen. However, I will probably slip up a bit more first, just NOT with dope. Until a few days from now when I have my comfort meds under control. It was just a really weird experience and I don't mean to look for too much meaning in it, but I found the resolve to quit and made the decision within 5 minutes of this vision of her.
It's going to be tough to get back on track but at least there is no more dope. Just hope. I took some extra percs this morning, and it's going to take me a few days. I need to come up with a better taper schedule than dosing every 12 hours. It is going to be more frequent, lower doses. I'll write back once I'm on a good and solid schedule again - it is still in my mind to beat this. I can't have my life end up this way, pain or no pain, loneliness or no loneliness. No matter what, it's not worth it being a drug addict.
I fucking need psychedelics NOW. I am going to dose ibogaine again soon - but first, I want a traditional psychedelic trip. I am going to clean out my dabbing rig to make sure there is no THC (would give me panic attacks at this point), and I am going to dab some DMT off my slightly cooled from red hot domeless nail with my scoop dabber load up with dmt. I've never had a bad experience before with DMT (uncomfortable sure, but not negative), even in tough times. I may as well, since I am slipping up with oxy anyway. I'm not touching my oxy habit until I get my benzo use and muscle relaxer abuse under control. Comfort meds were supposed to be for acute wd's only but I was using more and more during PAWS. Next time, I will be sticking exclusively to my 2mg klonopin daily. That is what is most important to me right now, and I've been really anxious keeping it to 1mg every 12 hours, even with oxy right now. Just know that I completely turned my state of mind around. I'm still fighting, even if I am losing some progress. I'll never give up! And no more dope... don't know what the fuck I was thinking. That stuff could have killed me with this low a tolerance. I'm a fool, after fool's gold. No more. Thanks to everyone who talked to me because I don't think I would have made the decision without that advice, and this thread in general and the other tapering one I posted in. My videos I made helped a lot too (and my list of reasons).
