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My new addiction

user name1

user name1

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2013
Messages
107
Location
Edge of the abyss
so i've became addicted to bluelight..
this is not a joke.
i really feel the need to visit the site all the time -
mainly to read posts and replies and sometimes to post and massage ppl.

maybe its because i dont have facebook since 2010? probably.

it gives me no pleasure to roam around those threads and posts,
it makes me feel even more lonely at times.

i also take a lot more subutex than i'm prescribed,
but nothing changed in my life -
i work the same, have no ambitions or hope the same.
everything the same. amorphic.

i wish i could connect with ppl and that's a new one for me i think.
through writing i discover stuff but its not cheerful and happy - its depressing..

looking in all the wrong places.
like when you want something but can't figure out what -
looking in the fridge, walking aimlessly back and forth in my small room.

i think it's pointless. everything. life and shit.
i wish i could cry or ask for help but i'm just stuck in a loop.
a loop that spiraling down - like the old spiral notebook.

i have so much emotion stuck inside me with no outlet,
full of static electricity.

never again shall i feel comfortable in my own skin?

i remember the first time i did H with two friends ,
both of them puked reall hard and went like "never again" and shit -
but not me, i felt like i got home for the first time in my life.
i was content and now like an old prick feeling nostalgic which i hate..

i'll probably will never use again in this life time and i'm sad.
i lost the only friend i ever had.
although i stopped years ago i miss my treacherous friend.
i miss feeling at home,
so many years just living in a house surrounded by strange things.
i am a stranger to myself.

the second i pressed submit massage tears came to my eyes and a relief, a release, i feel less terrible :)
 
Last edited:
Hello username 1

I have to tell you your writing is just lovely, even though you are sad. I don't want you to be sad anymore. You're a sweetheart

Please don't feel like you're alone, you're not, maybe you just haven't met the right supportive people. I am one of those people. You can come here and talk to me anytime or pm or whatever.

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ashley.


user name1 said:
so i've became addicted to bluelight..
this is not a joke.
i really feel the need to visit the site all the time -
mainly to read posts and replies and sometimes to post and massage ppl.

maybe its because i dont have facebook since 2010? probably.

it gives me no pleasure to roam around those threads and posts,
it makes me feel even more lonely at times.

i also take a lot more subutex than i'm prescribed,
but nothing changed in my life -
i work the same, have no ambitions or hope the same.
everything the same. amorphic.

i wish i could connect with ppl and that's a new one for me i think.
through writing i discover stuff but its not cheerful and happy - its depressing..

looking in all the wrong places.
like when you want something but can't figure out what -
looking in the fridge, walking aimlessly back and forth in my small room.

i think it's pointless. everything. life and shit.
i wish i could cry or ask for help but i'm just stuck in a loop.
a loop that spiraling down - like the old spiral notebook.

i have so much emotion stuck inside me with no outlet,
full of static electricity.

never again shall i feel comfortable in my own skin?

i remember the first time i did H with two friends ,
both of them puked reall hard and went like "never again" and shit -
but not me, i felt like i got home for the first time in my life.
i was content and now like an old prick feeling nostalgic which i hate..

i'll probably will never use again in this life time and i'm sad.
i lost the only friend i ever had.
although i stopped years ago i miss my treacherous friend.
i miss feeling at home,
so many years just living in a house surrounded by strange things.
i am a stranger to myself.

the second i pressed submit massage tears came to my eyes and a relief, a release, i feel less terrible :)
Click to expand...
 
Hi Ashley,
thank you so much for your kind words!
your reply makes me feel a little better :)
i would love to talk sometimes if its ok with you.
i cant PM you anytime soon but would very much like to..

a few simple words from you means a lot to me <3

p.s
i think we have a common friend :)
 
Makes sense, when when I stopped heroin I developed some kind of obssession for anime and gaming. It's something about as wanting the pseudo-feeling of human presense, but with out the shame and anxienty real socialization can give as.
In my opinion it's fine...what ever can keep our brain busy during our dificult days is a good thing, and in bluelight you often get some good advice or u get to help someone instead so it's a good place to spent some time :)
 
Hey man, sorry you feel so alone, but Bluelight can be a great place to find a community, even if it doesn't quite substitute for in-person relationships. When I joined Bluelight, I was in a place where I felt very alone, I had no one to talk about the experiences I was having in my life. I ended up making some really good friends, and eventually ended up living in the same town as some of them and they're family to me to this day. And many more people who I care about very much, who I haven't ever met, but who are a part of my life. Sharing feels good, so keep on sharing, especially when you feel down. :)

And hell yeah, Atari, Game Boy and NES, that was my shit. =D
 
Hey user name1,

A lot of people here feel the same way about Bluelight as you do (myself included). I'd say that posting here has the same therapeutic effect as writing down thoughts (like keeping a journal), just without a pen and paper. For me Bluelight has allowed me to somewhat connect with the community, friends, and support that I do not have access to in my everyday life.

We can all relate to one another in some way. We are one big family, one big group of people with hurting hearts, all mortal, made of the same flesh and bone. Perhaps by gathering together we can chase this ethereal race of life as a team. Fuck, I'm getting all poetic now lol.

Love and good vibes sent your way
 
Hi any and everyone,

For some reason i can't even converse properly with ppl on BL.
i start a conversation (by mail or posts) and for some time people engage but after a short while -
it's seems i scare them off or bore them idk really. i do try though..
i do want to find people to talk about stuff with.

Maybe because i had so much shit and stuff that i went through over the years -
it seems not genuine or exaggerated in someway..
i've been arrested multiple times, hospitalized 3 times (psychiatrically),
got the shit beat out of me within an inch of my life,
threatened with cold weapons and was stalked by a psycho. that's just the iceberg..
i do try my best to be open and honest. i am completely and brutally honest.

Where can i find people to talk to?

Anyone?

Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,
Jona
 
Have you tried keeping it very simple asking one specific question. Then only giving just information about that question. Im more likely to respond to a clear question then a really long post with many questions and like a novel. Its overwhelming.
 
Yeah most people think private messages as some kind of chatbox instead of them being letters with a lots of reading and stuff to answer.

Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. I am from GMT +3 timezone so I might not answer quite fast but I'll still do it.
 
Don't feel that way brother!! You gotta remember that we are ALL human!! Sometimes things come up in life were we can't /Don't want necessarily to be on bluelight for that time frame!! I have 4 kids and a wife so when I feel like shit I have to fake it till I make it all day around them and then when I do get some free time I don't really want to spend it on bluelight as I need that alone time sometimes!! If you can relate to what i mean :)
 
thank you for your input guys, much obliged. (especially you monkey, what pearls of wisdom to keep close to the heart)

i guess i'm an old school kind a guy.
i write dear xyz at the beginning and best regards at the end :)

only 37 but old as a mummy.
maybe i should understand its PM and not mail.

i always said i'm a bit POSTAL.

will keep it short and sweet on the PM and the novels to the threads..

cheers,
jona
 
^
Yeah I've been taught to do the same as you do and I do it all the time even though I am few years younger than you.

It seems to annoy some (err. most) of the people but atleast most of the mods still do the same.

There is nothing wrong being postal unless you have trunk full of guns :)

-

Oh and Monkey, what about using drugs and computer at the same time so you can double waste your time?
 
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