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My neverending struggle with recovery from Opiate addiciton

FatBellyWhipSlay

FatBellyWhipSlay

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
144
Hi Bluelighters!

Not sure why I am posting on here, maybe I need some support from others who have been in the same boat as me as I have messed up all other support i would get from my friends and family.

I've been abusing codeine, tramadol, oxycodene for years now. I used to get them prescribed my my GP but they cut me off so started buying them online. I hid all of this from my Wife, Family and friends. About 12 months ago my wife caught me and I confessed all. We went to the docs who refused to help me so I had to go to a drug clinic. Had to wait ages to see them but when I did they basically were useless as they are so overwhelmed and simply don't have the resources to see my quickly. So i went cold turkey with my wifes support and agreed to do weekly opiate urine drug tests to prove i was clean.

It was hell but I did stick to it for about 3 weeks. Then one day I learned about Loperamide, So stupidly I started taking about 36mg a day and it took all the WD's away. I was then hooked on loperamide and was happy cos it didnt show up in an opiates drug test. I did this for about 3 months and then decided to quit the lope. The WD's were worse than the real opiates ! By this time my wife had stopped testing me, thinking I was clean so I stupidly bought a batch of codeine online and it turned up in 3 days and I banged 300mg immediately. I was in heaven again.

My wife instantly knew cos f the state of my eyes so she did a test and yep, positive. Massive massive argument, I was nearly thrown out of my home, This was back and forth for a while with me lying and finding a way to cheat the test so I secretly remained on the codeine.

Couple of weeks ago my wife found my stash of 'fake urine' sachets and made me do a test in front of her. Positive.

Once again another huge argument and her giving me the final ultimatum , pack in or after Xmas you go for good. I will lose everything, my family, my home, my beautiful 2 year baby boy, everything.

Deciding the the thought of losing my boy was unbearable (i think me and my wife are done though, its unrepairable, but we will see) I decided enoughs enough and quit the codeine again.

I'm on day 7 and had a small relapse on day 3 where I took 120mg but not taken any since. Luckily enough my wife has ran out of tests and cant get any for a few days. I wont go into the WD symptoms as sick of talking about them and you all know what I am going through. I was in hell yesterday and went to see my doc who actually was really nice this time and gave me some Bacflonec for the aches and pains and RLS and some Amitryptiline for the insomnia which worked as last night i got some sleep. Not much but some.

I am only taking these 2 meds for 7 days as sick of being dependant of stuff, so sick of it. I am even giving up the booze as after a few beers I got terrible opiate cravings.

Just hoping I start to feel better soon as on 23rd December I go to Spain for 7 days with the family and dont want to ruin it for everyone by being in WD's.

Anyway thats me done, sorry for the long read! just wanted to get it off my chest and didnt know where to turn! hope you have a good Christmas!!
 
well done for getting this far man.

unfortunately addiction can be stronger than any attachment you might have, as you have learned. don't let it ruin your relationship with your son.

there is a reason you've been using, its not lack of willpower or hedonism or whatever bollocks people who don't get it spout. drugs do something for you, and you need some psychological help to find out what that is and how to replace the hole they'll leave if you want a good chance of maintaining being clean. can you get some therapy? what about mutual support meetings like NA or SMART?

good luck.
 
chinup said:
well done for getting this far man.

unfortunately addiction can be stronger than any attachment you might have, as you have learned. don't let it ruin your relationship with your son.

there is a reason you've been using, its not lack of willpower or hedonism or whatever bollocks people who don't get it spout. drugs do something for you, and you need some psychological help to find out what that is and how to replace the hole they'll leave if you want a good chance of maintaining being clean. can you get some therapy? what about mutual support meetings like NA or SMART?

good luck.
Click to expand...

Thanks mate,

When I tried to beat this originally 12 months ago, I attended the local CGL 12 step plan meetings. It didnt really tackle my problem and did not benefit from it for some reason, maybe I just didn't try enough.

I think I need to open up to someone about why I do it, I simply just like getting high!

I used to a lot of pills(E's), speed , coke and weed from 14 years old till i was about 35 (i am 45 now) so I think ive always been someone who just enjoys getting high, I was heavily involved in the rave scene from about 1989 till about 2005 and used to take something everyday over that period. Nearly got into H a few times but managed to avoid that rabbit hole... in a way i suppose, I am now addicted to an opiate you can buy from your local legal drug dealer, the chemist ! Used to get bottles and bottles of codeine linctus and at the time it was £1.99 a bottle which used to last a day. I have about 10 chemists near me and all of them sold it. But over the past 2 years they have stopped selling it. Plus I am banned from buying any opiate products from them all now anyway. Used to do CWE from OTC co-codamol when I couldnt get a script from my GP. The local pharmacies never batted any eyelid at me until my GP emailed them all and said dont sell to this chap! Not sure how they knew it was me but they all started turning me away empty handed...

I was at one time about 7 years ago totally drug free but then I needed some major emergenecy dental work and I got a pack of DHC from my GP, thats how my love with opiates started.

but your right, i need to find out why if im going to beat this properly. Its like I cant enjoy the normal things that people enjoy without being under the influence of something. thats the root I think
 
FatBellyWhipSlay said:
but your right, i need to find out why if im going to beat this properly. Its like I cant enjoy the normal things that people enjoy without being under the influence of something. thats the root I think
Click to expand...

How is your mental health? Do you suffer from depression or anything?
 
nuttynutskin said:
How is your mental health? Do you suffer from depression or anything?
Click to expand...

Mental health is fine (i think?) never had a problem with depression before, but I have been on opiates for along time, so I hope the quitting doesnt unroot something deep inside
 
LucidSDreamr said:
thats some of the worst advice i've ever seen given to a drug addict. the part about doing mdma.
Click to expand...

Why is that then? MDMA doesn't cause dependence, provides a high far better than any opiate ever could, can actually be therapeutic if not abused and scratches that neverending itch for taking drugs.
 
well I'm back! and its been a right royal fvck up since my last post.

whilst I was away for Xmas in Spain I relapsed, got drunk one day and stumbled past a farmacia, my eyes lit up and walked straight in and asked the nice lady for some co-codamol, she asked me prescription ? and i said yes but only in UK and I have ran out of my medication, she immediately gave me a box of 30/500, then I asked for 2 boxes and she complied. both boxes cost 5 euro, what a bargain!

Cos I couldnt CWE i just banged 5 immediately and 30 mins later was in a right mess, i continued taking 5 a day until i got back to uk and started CWE, when i ran out i just went through my normal routine of driving around various chemists buying OTC co-codamol and nurofen plus, codeine cough linctus.

anyway my wife noticed i was "back on it" and we had a massive row and she said this is the final straw and chucked me out, i went and stayed at a mates for one night and she rang me the next day and said i could go back but i need to go back to CGL and contact my drug worker, which I did and I am going to see their doctor on the 28th and they want to put me on a Esprinol program (bupe)

i am not sure if i want to do this, has anyone been one this ?

im weak and a pussy and in a dark place at the moment so Im considering it as I just cant stay off the codeine
 
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