My life is a train wreck

[Ready to stop hurt]

Long story so here goes:

I have been tortured by Major depression for years now. Admitted twice for suicidal ideation. Been out of work for 4 months in disability caused by bad back. On 10 /325 4x a day perc. Could no longer afford health insurance so been off my citalopram 30mg for 2 wks. Those old feelings are back. My ex wife is during me for back alimony because I could not pay. My wife is angry at me, my kids really don't give a shit about me. Basically, I am too weak to keep fighting. I am ready. I want to take meds at the beach I got married on, drift away as the sun comes up. I know perc suppresses respiration and I have sleep apnea. I do not want to use my wife's meds but do not want to be the loser who cannot even kill himself right. Do you think at my level of perc that 20 will be enough.

Do not try the crap trying to talk me out of it. I have no more fight left. Let me pass as easy as possible. How many perc will do the job nicely?

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Sorry but no one here is going to advise you on how to kill yourself. I'm sorry you are struggling so. You are not alone. Life is difficult for most everyone.

 

[Cdkman]

Just a tip if u take all the tylenol u might not blissfully drop dead u could live and have liver failure which cant be pretty

 

[Moreaux]

Welcome to Bluelight @ready to stop hurting! I'm sorry you're having such difficulties, depression is truly debilitating and torturous. I recently quit smoking/nicotine and didn't realize how strong an antidepressant is is and so I have been an absolute mess...thoughts of death frequently creep into my mind and I have to push them back because I don't want to die. I can relate to much of what you are going through.

You say you can no longer afford health insurance; if you are uninsured you should be able to get mental health treatment through your county, which will include medications. I highly advise looking into that.

You may think you're kids don't care but I you are wrong - they really do and they probably are at a loss on how to help you or make it better...they may blame themselves - you never know. I'm also willing to wager that your wife cares as well but also is at a loss, she may also take it personally feeling that you are not happy with her. It's not uncommon for friends and family of somebody suffering from severe depression to withdraw because they don't know what else to do :/ If you commit suicide your kids will have to live with that pain for the rest of their lives. I highly suggest family counseling when it's possible so they can gain better insight into your depression and also have an opportunity to voice their opinions and concerns.

There are many new treatments for depression in the pipeline to be released in the near future. As unpleasant as living with depression is, don't give up yet as something may help you. There are also other things you can do to try to help mitigate it like healthy eating, good sleep, and exercise (whatever level you are capable of doing).

As for issues with your ex wife - screw her. Go to court and show you can't pay her because you're disabled. She is an adult woman and should be able to care for herself without your assistance. Submit your disability paperwork along with your financial info to show that you simply can't afford to pay back alimony right now, and also fight to have alimony reduced or eliminated altogether.

Regarding your plan it is not solid and you are liable to end up in a worse position that you are now. It's actually extremely difficult to kill yourself with medication and most attempts fail.

 

[rainyday107]

How are you? Have you considered filing for disability SSDI? You may want to consider it if you are treatment-resistant.

 

[TJ5]

No it won't work. Go to ER and get a 5250.

 

[jabone99]

The obvious - Long term solution to short term problem. That aside - I won't talk you out of anything. It is your life, your decision. There are places on the dark web for discussions like this. This forum is, in no way, the place to do it. I will give you one glimmer of hope. What the opiates are doing to your internal chemistry is the root of your problem. Dry out, if you can, and see if those feelings are still there. Get your hands on some Subs or Methadone and after 1 week of not being on the hunt - see how you feel. If you feel better - continue those medications. If you feel zero difference, see a licensed psychologist (no other variation). I wish you all the best - and hope I see you on here often.

Best Wishes,

J