My life, and what opiates have done to it..

[HerbConnoisseur]

Hello, I'm new here, took me awhile to figure out how to post, but here I am.

I've been a reader for a very long time, just never signed up until today. To start things off, I'm 23 years old, and I have been addicted to painkillers for about 2 years now. I have ran out of friends or family to talk to, I truly don't have anyone to talk to about my problem. I'm sure you guys hear this over and over again, and I apologize for that. I came here to talk to others like me, maybe learn a few things, meet others who have battled and conquered this evil. So, let me break this down for you who are reading, to get a better idea of where I am now. I am an industrial pipefitter for a living, about 2-2 1/2 years ago I injured myself at work, I tore my rotator cuff, and have bulging disks in my lower back. I was given a prescription for 90 10mg norcos, and from there, it all went down hill. I used to be able to take half of 1 pill twice a day, and I would be totally happy. 2 years later...here I am, 15 pills a day... the occasional oxycodone to add.. I am still prescribed to the same amount and type of medication. but it only lasts me a week, if that... Which leaves me to turn to the black market... This route is incredibly expensive as I'm sure a lot of you folks know all too well.. Having the occupation I have I make very decent money, yet I have so much debt due to my stupid addiction.. 10-15 pills a day at 5-7$ each, really starts to eat away at your bank account... I am an expert at hiding my problem from loved ones, including my fiance, so basically only a few family members know, as well as a few friends.. I am truly sick of living this way, and pouring my money down the drain...No matter how hard I try to take less, or quit all together, it seems almost impossible to me... I've beat a severe drinking problem I had for 2-3 years, I quit smoking cigarettes when I smoked 2 1/2 packs a day, I quit a severe cocaine habit.. I've quit a lot of things. Opiates however... those are something else.. I've never had to deal with something so powerful, it seems there's almost no life after opiates... like I'll always be addicted to them, and that's just the way its gonna be... I'm known to be a very uplifting person most of the time, I'm the guy people come to, to talk about their problems, I'm usually always happy...But lately, I've never been so depressed in my whole existence, it's actually quite terrifying.. I've never actually contemplated suicide until very recently. Feeling trapped with no way out, I'm a slave to a bottle of pills, and I just waste my hard earned money on them. This was the first year I wasn't able to buy Christmas gifts for my family. I was laid off work at the time, but I had plenty of cash saved up for such a thing, and guess what... I spent damn near all of it on hydrocodone... I just want out, I want my life back, I wanna be happy and pain free without having to take handfuls of pills every single day of my life. Any reply would be great.. at this point i just want someone to talk to, someone that knows how I feel and where I'm at..

I'm sorry for dragging this on and on, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Thank you to those who took the time out of your day to read my story.

-Herb

 

[w0w0mg]

Herb, I know exactly what you mean and how you're feeling.
Overcoming any addiction is tough, and those opiates are no joke.
I am still struggling with the mental aspect and still some physical symptoms.
It gets better over time. You seem to want to make a change and that's really good.
Just keep trying your best to get off those nasty pain killers.
Keep us up to date mate.
I'm willing to be that shoulder to cry on, or that ear to listen.
PM me anytime, or reply on here.
I will be sure to check up on you to make sure you're okay.
Cheers, mate.

 

[Fatjosh]

Hey buddy we can all relate here on the dark side, I am still battling with opiates myself. You are right about a lot of this. Nothing grabs u by the balls like opiates do, and once you r addicted I truly believe u will always be an addict, I had 1 year and 1 day clean and had some traumatic shit happen and I told myself that I would just use them that one night to quiet my mind so I could sleep....and bam addicted all over cause as addicts we rationalize shit and talk ourselves into "one more time".

The good news is that as long as u r still breathing there is hope. First thing is that ya gotta try to keep a positive outlook, I know it's hard but it's crucial. Second is going to be letting the cat out of the bag so to speak, which is probably going to b the hardest part. I can hear u thinking this right now "if I tell my wife she will leave me,take my kid and I'll lose everything". The truth is if u wont tell her than u already have because nobody can beat this addiction alone, trust me iv tried. Keeping it a secret makes the addiction and self loathing that much worse. Tell her before she finds out herself and it will b even worse.

As for getting clean this is my opinion. Find a week supply of methadone or suboxone. I have found that using either of these two can disrupt the cycle of getting high enough to help me with the mental part of the addiction. You have a week of not getting high but without withdrawls to get a grip on yourself mentally and it makes getting sober seem possible. This gives u hope when u r used to getting high all the time and hope is what everyone needs. Hydro w/d is short so after that week of methadone your w/d symptoms will b substantially less severe add in some immodium and it shouldn't be too bad. I hope this helps a little if u need anything els I'll b keeping an eye on this thread. Stay strong brother, josh.

 

[Hmgrwngd]

I want you to know I mean every word.

If there is a chance you can survive with as little medicine as possible, try it.
And trust me; if you keep saying to yourself "I'm still doing fine" while your health is deteriorating, it's the perfect way to that "rock bottom".
Don't let pills rule your life,
let your heart rule your life!

Listen to your heart first,
try to make peace in your mind,
but please please please,
at your young age,

seek help,
be honest with friends, family, doctors ...
But don't get hooked.
Get hooked, and you might not even get to the 27-club!

Please, get help,
health
willpower
3 things that will save your life!

 

[HerbConnoisseur]

Hey buddy we can all relate here on the dark side, I am still battling with opiates myself. You are right about a lot of this. Nothing grabs u by the balls like opiates do, and once you r addicted I truly believe u will always be an addict, I had 1 year and 1 day clean and had some traumatic shit happen and I told myself that I would just use them that one night to quiet my mind so I could sleep....and bam addicted all over cause as addicts we rationalize shit and talk ourselves into "one more time".

The good news is that as long as u r still breathing there is hope. First thing is that ya gotta try to keep a positive outlook, I know it's hard but it's crucial. Second is going to be letting the cat out of the bag so to speak, which is probably going to b the hardest part. I can hear u thinking this right now "if I tell my wife she will leave me,take my kid and I'll lose everything". The truth is if u wont tell her than u already have because nobody can beat this addiction alone, trust me iv tried. Keeping it a secret makes the addiction and self loathing that much worse. Tell her before she finds out herself and it will b even worse.

As for getting clean this is my opinion. Find a week supply of methadone or suboxone. I have found that using either of these two can disrupt the cycle of getting high enough to help me with the mental part of the addiction. You have a week of not getting high but without withdrawls to get a grip on yourself mentally and it makes getting sober seem possible. This gives u hope when u r used to getting high all the time and hope is what everyone needs. Hydro w/d is short so after that week of methadone your w/d symptoms will b substantially less severe add in some immodium and it shouldn't be too bad. I hope this helps a little if u need anything els I'll b keeping an eye on this thread. Stay strong brother, josh.

Thank you for your input, you are very right about the "one more time" aspect of it... I catch myself doing that shit a couple times a week... My old lady has a brief idea, but not to the extent that it is, she knows that I'm prescribed too hydros, but she thinks I take the 3 a day that I'm supposed too... nope...more like 3-4 pills every 4 hours like clock work, from the time I open my eyes, til the time I close them.. Its truly sad, that my whole entire schedule is based around what time is my next dose, from the time it kicks in, I'm already staring at the clock waiting for that 4 hour mark... So tired of it... I have access to suboxone strips, not sure how many, but I was reading about a taper method using the strips, I'm starting to think that's probably my best bet. I've also read a lot about people have good results with immodium & neurontin(gabapentin). But I think subs and immodium might do it for me. I've also been told that hydro withdrawal is much less miserable that oxy, I hope that's true, because I only take oxy when thats all I'm able to get my hands on, or I'm trying to take a small break from all the APAP going into my body. Thanks again for your concern, Like I said, it's great to know there is still good people out in this world, like yourself.

 

[HerbConnoisseur]

I want you to know I mean every word.

If there is a chance you can survive with as little medicine as possible, try it.
And trust me; if you keep saying to yourself "I'm still doing fine" while your health is deteriorating, it's the perfect way to that "rock bottom".
Don't let pills rule your life,
let your heart rule your life!

Listen to your heart first,
try to make peace in your mind,
but please please please,
at your young age,

seek help,
be honest with friends, family, doctors ...
But don't get hooked.
Get hooked, and you might not even get to the 27-club!

Please, get help,
health
willpower
3 things that will save your life!

Thank you for your words of concern, I do appreciate it. I am gonna try and do everything in my power. Some of my family has a slight idea how much I take, but not entirely. It's just so embarrassing to me, to admit this to people who think very highly of me, who look up to me, people who come to me for life advice, and help...Just for me to tell them, oh yeah, and one more thing, I am severely addicted to painkillers... I finished school, I got my degree, I have a nice house, nice car, beautiful woman who loves me, and I have a great career, its awful to know such a minuscule thing or so I thought.. has interfered with all of that in such a negative manner.. one being the most important, my health and happiness..It just sucks y'know. But I've been through some terrible stuff in my short life, I think I can do this if I take the correct route. Thanks again.

 

[HerbConnoisseur]

Herb, I know exactly what you mean and how you're feeling.
Overcoming any addiction is tough, and those opiates are no joke.
I am still struggling with the mental aspect and still some physical symptoms.
It gets better over time. You seem to want to make a change and that's really good.
Just keep trying your best to get off those nasty pain killers.
Keep us up to date mate.
I'm willing to be that shoulder to cry on, or that ear to listen.
PM me anytime, or reply on here.
I will be sure to check up on you to make sure you're okay.
Cheers, mate.

It's good to know there is still good people in this world like yourself. I appreciate what you had to say. I will do my best to log my journey to recovery, its gonna take awhile, but I'm gonna do what I'm physically able to do. I recently got called back to work from my layoff, which makes things a bit tricky when it comes to going through withdrawals, especially at work. If I was smarter, I would've done my detox while I was laid off... But of course I didn't... One of these days I'll stop making stupid decisions, and get my life back, It was good without the opiates... I don't know how I ever let it get so out of control... But thank you again for your input, feels good knowing at least somebody cares..

 

[Dellpoker]

Herb I'm currently in a similar situation, I just posted in basic drug thread asking about vivitrol. It's a blocker u get a shot once a month and basically u can't get high from opiates while on it.... I'm considering going that route but I wanna see what some of our peers on here think. It's hard also cause u gotta go cold turkey for about a week before starting. Anyway I'm right there with you trying to get off this garbage... Good luck!!

 

[Fatjosh]

Herb,

Immodium is great for when u go to completely detox but I wouldn't take it while on the subs as the subs will just rip the loperimide off your stomach receptors. Imho using subs for a week or so then switching to immodium can make the physical part of withdrawl so much more bearable. Now you said that hydro withdrawl isn't as bad as oxy.... this is how I see it. There is a price we have to pay when it comes to withdrawl. With hydro it's over in 3-5 days whereas oxy is more like 7-10 ime. The thing is its the same "price" I feel that hydro withdrawl is more intense (just my opinion) and u r paying the price faster where as oxy is less intense (still horrible) but lasts longer. I wish u all the luck in the world brother keep trying it ain't over till u stop wanting to get clean or u die so just stay the course .

 

[Mrskores]

You're not alone. I, too, am in a similar situation... only female . I just tapered myself and I've been only taking 5mg of oxy for 10 days now just to take the edge off my back pain. I tapered myself fast... 3/day for 3 days, 2/day for 2 days, 1.5/day for 2 days, 1/day for 2 days, now im 1/2 per day for 10 days. Just know, you're not alone!!!

 

[w0w0mg]

​i love you all and what you all to heal from this horrible addiction. xooxxoxoo

 

[closeau]

Hey. I agree with a lot of what Fatjosh says. As youve found out, youre not alone. Im bout to run out of my Dilaudids and cant get um filled til 22nd. I hate it. Im getting off. If i gotta do Sub for awhile, whatever. The progression happened same to me. Mines gotten really serious. Ive overcome alcohol too and live a clean life eccept for the opiates. They cause my brain to shut down and not think straight. Kill testosterone and all other things. I cant get off st but know prices. I cant afford that shit. Ill be so glad to put this behind me. Seems like im not allowed to live. Beat alcohol then went in for medical issues and now i have a shit bag and a dilaudid habit. So youre in a good place Herb. You hang in there man and try to get the hell of of these things. Good luck to you!!

 

[LakersFan88]

You can do it Herb!

I am on day 8 of being free from opiates.

Telling my close friends and girlfriend (who do not use) was probably one the hardest yet most relieving part of the process.

I no longer have to hide from it, I can face it head on and know that there is people who have my back. It's not easy, never is, but if you want better, you will do better.

My motto throughout this has been:
I know better.
I deserve better.
So I'm doing better.

Feel free to PM me if you ever have any questions. Stay strong and continue to think of all the benefits of quitting! Trust me there is more than enough

 

[eye dew Things]

Great Job LakersFan!!! and your boy Louise Williams has been making me dough on FanDuel...He went to high school in my town. Dude's a beast, was sad to see the Hawks let him go.

 

[eye dew Things]

But to Herb
We ALL understand.. I've never had an addiction to pain pills, but have had my share of binges for weeks at a time. Although I currently am dependent on Kratom. My true mistress of pleasure and pain are Benzos. Hey, I'm sure industrial pipefitting is a pretty physical job. I build rotary cutting dies, standing on my feet all day 10-12 hrs a day. The appeal for a pick me up after a long day is very appealing...when you get home and have to be super dad to my son.
The part about Christmas gifts hit home to me...I've been there a few times, I'm 39 btw. I've also gotten a nice fat paycheck on Friday, and after paying for my pills and weed...wake up on Saturday basically broke...It's so distressing. Then the phone starts ringing off the hook, bill collecters calling hat you avoid. Bill's that could of been paid easily, Yet I would rather have 100 Xanax bars. That ended in 2013, and I went CT...it was hell but worth it. Now my problem is etizolam. It never ends.

But enough about me...Over the next week if possible slow down your intake. I know it's hard. see how you feel. Relax and realize you are young and have time to make this right. Take things day by day, baby steps my friend. Milligram by milligram we will get thru this.

 

[LakersFan88]

@eye dew things Thank you!! I appreciate any positive reinforcement!

Born Lakers fan, sad to sight this year for us, but it's been bittersweet watching Kobe in his last season (actually got see him in Denver against the Nuggets a few weeks back), but you're right, Sweet Lou has been going off lately! He's a great acquirement for the Lakers.

NBA and music have definitely keep my mind off using!