my idea of fun

[xxxyyy]

i've been depressed since i can remember, although booze seems to bring out the worst in it (me). i have tried various things in life - be they jobs, educations, relationships - and they all usually fail and burn so spactacularly that it amazes me that i even try. i've been drinking heavily, since the last year or so on-and-off instead off round the clock and... i have nowhere to retreat to, nowhere to go.
although i'm usually very inclined to feel sorry for myself i will try not to for the time being.
but it seems like i reallly do have nothing to offer to anyone. there's nothing but hunger and fear and loneliness and i have no idea how to deal with it anymore.

 

[lars90]

Hmm have you tried anti depresants yet?

 

[badfish45]

Life gets better. You cannot let the past set your standard for the future. Maybe your next relationship won't crash and burn. Maybe your next job you'll end up really enjoying. Life will surprise you in many many ways. I suggest that you go to see a psychologist, maybe they can help you out with your depression. I went to one and it sure helped me Depression is a tough thing to handle but alcohol I promise you will not help it, it will further dig a hole deeper and deeper. I was using marijuana when I was depressed, not even as a coping mechanism, still recreational, but I discovered that I made no progress until I finally decided to quit and handle my depression first before I ever went back to using. Even so, I can tell when I use heavily that it takes a toll on my depression. So just keep that in mind, and I wish you the best of luck life is tough, but you'll find out your reason to make it worth living.

 

[xxxyyy]

while i appreciate the sentiment it's not how things have happened. or will happen. i've been on eight different antidepressants and even though the ones i'm on now have given me a modicum of relief (selegiline + mirtazapine) it's sucha far cry from feeling alive. and there's just something that keeps demanding more no matter what. i don't know
the only things that unconditionally help are either benzos or strong opioids and well... we all know what happens then-

 

[badfish45]

it's not how things have happened. or will happen.

That first part I believe is true. The second one, well you and me have no idea. The future holds so much that will blow you away...I never expected my life to turn out the way that it did, but it sure as hell did, good and bad. Depression is something that is not set in stone, in fact almost nothing in life is. You have the ability to change things, and life will change things whether you asked for it or not, whether it be for the better or worse.

 

[xxxyyy]

hey sorry to resurrect this old thread, i was bukowski-style drunk when i started it and in my alcoholic pessimism i didn't like your replies much but now reading them in a much different mindset i just wanted to thank you all. i'm trying to turn my life around, all the standard treatments for my depression have failed, i've take all classes of antidepressants, a shitload of off-label stuff, was five years in psychotherapy... nothing really helped. but i finally realized that if i don't turn my life around very soon i might as well take the razor and cut my throat. death from alcoholism is certainly not pretty.
again, thanks for your kind words and sorry i was in such a misanthropic state that i couldn't appreciate them.

 

[herbavore]

It makes sense that you were not receptive--that's what depression does--the worst part about it is that it robs you of any hope and optimism so that any changes that might actually help seem futile. It's good that you are in a better place and you are so right about dying from alcoholism--it is a terrible way to go. My sister has suffered from chronic depression all her teen and adult life and she has been on one antidepressant after another, none really helping all that much. For years doctors and other people have been telling her that it is a physiological problem that can be treated with drugs. But those drugs have done as much harm as good. Whether depression is biologically based or not, practicing mindfulness techniques and using the philosophy of accepting, feeling and then letting go of emotions as they arise can be transformational.

When I hear people say that nothing in their lives engages them or makes them happy or has any meaning that is when I know that the problem is within. Every one of us has the capacity to feel joy, boredom, happiness, cynical detachment, euphoria; sure, some people are more hardwired to see things more pessimistically or more optimistically, but overall we all have the same capacity. I am old enough to have lived through intense emotional states and come through the other side many times. What has that taught me? That old cliche that it is all attitude and perspective is indeed the only reality. If the therapy that you have tried, and the SSRI's that you have tried, the people that you have connected with and the work/activities that you have tried all fail to engage you then you need to make a huge change. Quitting alcohol will probably go a long way towards improving your depression.

I know that the road to recovery is not an easy one and that your energy and efforts will be taken up initially just dealing with detox and quitting strategies. Once you have gotten some solid footing though, you might try to think completely outside your comfort zone in terms of connecting with life in a way that sustains you. It could be helping others, or it could be getting away from everyone and learning to live with solitude. Whatever you envision and then that voice comes in to say, "that's not realistic"---do that.

 

[sconnie420]

i've been depressed since i can remember, although booze seems to bring out the worst in it (me). i have tried various things in life - be they jobs, educations, relationships - and they all usually fail and burn so spactacularly that it amazes me that i even try. i've been drinking heavily, since the last year or so on-and-off instead off round the clock and... i have nowhere to retreat to, nowhere to go.
although i'm usually very inclined to feel sorry for myself i will try not to for the time being.
but it seems like i reallly do have nothing to offer to anyone. there's nothing but hunger and fear and loneliness and i have no idea how to deal with it anymore.

Brother/sister you have no idea how much I can relate to you!! So please know you ARE NOT alone..I struggle with depression as well and lately it has taken a firm hold on my life..for me I feel like, there will be no relief from the daily mental pain I'm in, I'd take/ do anythng for a moment of relief....I want it 2 stop so bad, and worse is I have zero support IRL..this thread is it.although I have done the anti depressents, I am currently unable to get them( and am in dire need)..ff 2 pm me if you ever wana chat, I don't wana go 2 deep in2 my stories here but pm me and we can get more in depth..((Hhhuuugggssss))..

 

[junkieman412]

It makes sense that you were not receptive--that's what depression does--the worst part about it is that it robs you of any hope and optimism so that any changes that might actually help seem futile. It's good that you are in a better place and you are so right about dying from alcoholism--it is a terrible way to go. My sister has suffered from chronic depression all her teen and adult life and she has been on one antidepressant after another, none really helping all that much. For years doctors and other people have been telling her that it is a physiological problem that can be treated with drugs. But those drugs have done as much harm as good. Whether depression is biologically based or not, practicing mindfulness techniques and using the philosophy of accepting, feeling and then letting go of emotions as they arise can be transformational.

When I hear people say that nothing in their lives engages them or makes them happy or has any meaning that is when I know that the problem is within. Every one of us has the capacity to feel joy, boredom, happiness, cynical detachment, euphoria; sure, some people are more hardwired to see things more pessimistically or more optimistically, but overall we all have the same capacity. I am old enough to have lived through intense emotional states and come through the other side many times. What has that taught me? That old cliche that it is all attitude and perspective is indeed the only reality. If the therapy that you have tried, and the SSRI's that you have tried, the people that you have connected with and the work/activities that you have tried all fail to engage you then you need to make a huge change. Quitting alcohol will probably go a long way towards improving your depression.

I know that the road to recovery is not an easy one and that your energy and efforts will be taken up initially just dealing with detox and quitting strategies. Once you have gotten some solid footing though, you might try to think completely outside your comfort zone in terms of connecting with life in a way that sustains you. It could be helping others, or it could be getting away from everyone and learning to live with solitude. Whatever you envision and then that voice comes in to say, "that's not realistic"---do that.

Your post reminds me of some conversations I've had with my mother and aunt. My whole family suffers from depression and talking to them has really gotten me through it.
My mother is real matter of fact about it. She's like i've been there i had to deal with your father drinking and had to raise you guys myself and i went to school. If i can d o it and make it through depression and anxiety without drugs you can too.
I had to throw that last bit in the because she's right. She gave it to me straight when i was about ready to hang it up. She's strong man to see me fuck up so many times, to see me in jail, or in the hospital and psych Ward without losing it herself... I feel terrible about it.

 

[xxxyyy]

i'm on day four dry now. and i feel horrible. but that was expected, and i can deal with it. i have benzos on hand for the worst, but i only take them when i absolutely cannot stand it anymore, when i'm sure i'm heading out to buy a bottle. because by fuck, replacing my alcohol addiction with a benzo addiction certainly is not my goal. i hope i finally get some pot tomorrow, in my experience it's a tremendous help to reduce the craving for alcohol.
anyway. i've been on 14 different antidepressants in my life and none of them did what their name implies: help my depression. they did a lot of other things, depending on substance, but none (with one exception that i won't count because no one prescribed me that) actually made me not depressed. i know now that the best i can do is try to lead a better life, and i don't know if i'll make it, but goddamn, i've spent the last seven years not even trying. i'm not even sure where i'll take the energy for all the changes i have to make, but seeing with what single-minded determination i drank, taking horrible hangovers and later withdrawal symptoms for a mindstate that very rarely felt good and almost always turned the quiet misery i was feeling sober into something a lot more deranged, self-pitying and dagerous. do i have a lot of reasons to be depressed at the moment? yes i do. but most of them are of my own doing, mostly by omission, but still.
funnily enough, venlafaxine, which was touted by my psychiatrist (who i'm now completely convinced is absolutely the pharma industry's bitch and also incompetent) as the answer to all my troubles, as some biblical panacea, did next to nothing. well, first 3-5 weeks a lot of side effects, then nothing. except that i couldn't get high on certain drugs anymore (that i wasn't taking anyway). so after a year of my depression staying exactly the fucking same, i decided, why do i pop two pills each morning when they help you sweet fuck all? so i stopped taking them. and then came the horror. first the withdrawals, then a depression so black, so all encompassing as i have never experienced it before. still some people greatly profit from antidepressants. i am just not one of those people. i'm not advocating against taking them, i'm just saying a lot of people put way too much hope in them. as i did once.

also, 'brother' would be correct.