My heart is in fucking shambles, literally @ a loss of words

[Shady Kaity]

I actually have postedn theist about how I thought my boyfriend had a thing for this girl who I thought was a friend of mine. My bf and I are going on two years next month, at least I I hope we can make it, us, okay again.

Like I had previously posted, I did hook up with this girl friend of mine, out of spite because I had a gut feeling he liked her. It caused me so much emotional pain that he was so clearly and blatantly more attracted to her than to me, I wanted him to see how it felt to be hurt, so I got fucked up (bentos, dope, nuvigil, alcohol) and yes hooked up with her. But that same night I even made out with her in front of him and he was all about it. So I had honestly thought and will still put money on it that he's just mad he wasn't there to have a three some cuz I didn't want to fucking share him

Anyhow, I don't remember if I shared with you all that before I had hooked up with, the pain he was causing me was so bad that I eventually fucking lost it, and admitted was also not take g my meds, and was abusing Rxs benzos, that's weren't mine.
Once he met her (BTW my girl friend Serena, also happened to be dating his best friend at the time, so keep that in mind.) our we life stopped. I would beg him to even give him blow jobs, which he turned down. I'd beg for any affection and get nothing. I've always had no elf esteem, and now since she came around and hes all oh serena this Serena that, let's go see her, let's hang out with Serena, oh no...I'm not in the mood to have sex, nah I don't want a blow job, not oday, it was always tomorrow. We didn't have sex for MONTHS.

Then...it was funny, really. See, I'd try to send him sexy pics randomly while he was at work, trying to spice things up, anything to get us to work, but still no. And he'd never do that back, even before her, he was never the picture type. Thennnnn, out of no where. I got a dick picture. My heart sank into my fuckin stomach, even lower like I think I probably could have shat my own heart out, cause I just KNEW it was meant for her. And when he picked me up, and we were talks about it, he was telling me no of course not, I got randomly horny so I jerked off thinking of you I'd only think of you etf is wrong with you. I got all upset crying yelling jumped outta the car walking home, him chasing me with the car yelling at me at how ridiculous I'm being for not trusting him.

...I'm too nice...I got in the car, and gave him the benefit of th doubt.

Aywho...fast ford through a few more months of suspicion and fighting, and me just wanting to trust since he's the first guy I've ever ever let my guard down for, I just couldn't take it, went home crying having a mental breaking down about how he doesn't fuck me he doesn't love me, he wants to fick her and be with her, and I'm not good enough, and never will be, I slit from hip to hip a few times, on my thighs, and then pretty good gashes on my neck and then I heard my son cry and I just fainted, two days latex my psychiatrist admitted me to the psych ward.

Long story short, LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD I JUST HAPPENED TO FOND OUT THREE DAYS AGO RANDOMLY AND BY CHANCE THAT HE FUCKED HER THREE DAYS INTO ME BEING IN THE PSYCHWARD, THAT DICK PIC HAD BEEN FOR HER, AND DURING AN ARGUE JUST THIS OAST SEPT HE WENT TO GIVE HER A SUBOXONE AND GET FUCKING HEAD AS PAYMENT.
And it's so fucking funny, bc after I "cheated" I was sooo awful to him. He made me feel like a piece of shit. And we agreed to stop talkin to her, at least I wasn't allowed to, so I asked him not to since it made me uncomfortable as well, and he'd go " kaity- you were the one who cheated with her, your the one who is untrustworthy, I'm not doin anything, but I can't know that you won't cause you did"

Oh, btw I forgot to mention, while I was in the ward, and they were fucking, he'd still visit me everyday, and they had to fucking balls to come and visit me together saying how much they cared and missed me and were worried about me...lol yeah. He says he felt like suchhhhh shit about doing it,....I just...I don't get it. I really don't understand
Internally, it's beyond my comprehension, literally is not a capability of my brain how someone would be an
E to do that to someone they are in love with, to cheat like that in the first place.

He kept saying, kaity, you cheated on me too. And I'd be like omg joe, first of I told you the next day, and he was like on.t cuz she to,d my friend and he to,d me so you hada tell, and I was like no, not even that cuz I've cheated in past relationships on dudes I didn't care about and told them the following the day crying hysterically cuz I felt bad, and I didn't love them like I am IN LOVEwoth you, and secondly, I confessed right away no bs, no half truths and still tryna cover my ass like you did. Cuz he did, he told me at first that all they did was kiss one day, then make out the next but that was it. Hah.
And, when I did what I did I had to be very very fucked up cuz I didn't want to be in,t right mind. He was like pmg typical cheater excuse. I was omg? Really? YOUR JUDGEMENT WASN'T IMPAIRED WHATSOEVER. As soon as I'm gone for not even two or three days your fucking my friends while I'm in a hospital after I just slit my throat! Omfg to that.


BUT, I do still love him, I'm in love with him, and love him unconditionally... I'm very scared, and I have no idea if he really I'll be true and honest and good to me from now on...but i want to give a chance...I just have never been so terrified.
I've never been heart broken, never been in love, never been cheated on, and I can't believe he lied to me for a tear and a half out of our barely two year reLIEshiondhip. My minds a mess, and I'm a wreck, I've been trembling instantly, haven't eaten or slept since I found out, I have an undiagnosised autoimmune disease of some sort, and a joint condition, so I am in chronic pain all the time, and ironically, all these health problems started last year, go figure.
I gotta stop rambling now, or I won't stop. I sent my friend a 66 page text message this afternoon. No not a total over the coarse of the day, a nonstop continuous 66 page fucking message, and as you see my thoughts are jumbled in no type of logical order, I make no sense. I'll shut up now

Advice, thoughts, opinions, sympathy. Anything. Everything, and just getting it out over and over agin to as many people as possible keeps making me feel better bit by bit.

 

[Shady Kaity]

Uh there's lots oh autocorrect not corrects, so I apologize for that as well, if you need clarifications just ask away

 

[Beachcat]

Wow. First off, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You do not deserve this.

Several things struck me as I read this...just from reading what you typed, this guy sounds like a manipulator. It looks like he manipulated the situation with you hooking up with your "friend" and then used it against you. You said he even watched and was into it. If he was there and did not put a stop to it, then it seems disingenuous of him to be such a dick about it.

The main thing that struck me, however, was your mention of your son. Kaity, I am a mother, too, and you know as well as I do that in a situation like this, your first priority is your little boy. I know that you may still love Joe, but you need to take a hard and maybe painful look at what your relationship with him is doing to your well being. Your son needs a mother who is well, who is happy, who is THERE. There is no substitute for a mom.

My advice to you is to distance yourself from your boyfriend and work on things on yourself for a little while. Lower your stress levels so your autoimmune problems have a chance to settle down. Spend time with your kid. Spend a lot of time thinking about what you want in life, and what kind of relationship you want to have.

Then, you can really evaluate if you want to be with this guy. I say kick him to the curb and find someone better, but you have to make the choice yourself. Definitely, however, ditch the "friend".... She is absolutely no real friend of yours at all.

 

[Lysis]

So, the last time you posted about him cheating or not having sex with you, you said breaking up is not an option. Is it an option now? or no?

 

[Shady Kaity]

Man, i dont remember the last time in my life I wasnt stressed...maybe when i was 10? I started cutting myself regularly at age 11, and never felt OKAY since.
I know what I want from life. I plan to become a Doctor of some sort and start attending community college part time last January, just finished my second semester, and am desperately awaiting my third to start on the 22nd so I can bury myself into work and not my own head. Hes graduating his electrical vocational program in about two weeks and had a full time job waiting for him.

I know its going to be a long road ahead, and a painful one, i doubt the memory of it even if and hopefully when we do work past this will ever stop being painful.

Lysis, it is most certainly an option now, but not the one I'm choosing at this point, and I really hope he doesnt prove me that im still being too fucking nice. If it happens again, I don't even care to hear about how or why with who, NOTHING; I will absolutely leave and with my head held high and never look back because i am trying now and would know i tried my hardest.

And i told him, I am so thankful my son is young enough that he doesnt know whats going on, and wont remember that this guy who he learned to call daddy, hurt his mommy, and basically ruined our family. thats what i consider us, we're not married, hes not my sons father, but hes been here for everything, been through so much, and we fight over stupid little things little old 80 year old married people fight about im not kidding lol...itd be heartbreaking if my son were old enough to think his family was broken by this bullshit.

and I really dont know how to relax, its so hard for me to do, i feel like maybe stressing so much over having such intense gut feelings he was doing me dirty contributed to the onset of my siudden symptoms, to be honest. I havent felt healthy in a long time, just generally well like i can function like a normal 21 year old girl should. I'm in PT three times a week for 40 mins a session, see a rheumatologist every 6 weeks, and take around 7-9 pills a day, everyday, not including the vitamins they want me to be taking, and not including the ones i dont need to really take but i do cuz i dont ever have enough energy to do anything or feel well enough so ill take energy supplements, diet pills, muscle relaxants, occasional opiate if really really bad pain, and sometimes a benadryl to help me be able to sleep. so wtf, 21 and i take sometime over 10 pills on a daily basis and god for bid if i get sick. ugh...its just starting to really and badly feel the physical effects, and am not just feeling tired but not able to sleep, i am beyond that, zombie state about to pass out exhausted..days no sleep, no food, and WAY to many cigarettes, i have been smoking two packs a day, whereas before this i had been going through a phase where i smoke very little maybe two or three tops of a pack to immediately this...talk about a body shock lol.
i think im going to go try and wind down.

 

[Pagey]

Break up with him, please. For your own sake. I know it feels like he's the only one out there for you and you'll never be able to love again but you really deserve better than this. You need to show him he can't do whatever he wants with you. He can't just use you and treat you as a convenience. You can and will find someone in the future more deserving of your love and attention. You're miserable with him, there's no reason to stay with him - please just make the move, end it now. I don't mean to guilt-trip you but think of your kid as well; how horrible it must be for him to see his mother in such a state. I'm sure you want to at least try to get out of that state, if not for your sake, then for your son's, right?
Honestly considering how (rightly) upset you are about this and your psychological priors do you think it would really be much worse if you broke it off with him? From your post I can only see it getting better. Please end it.

 

[Shady Kaity]

im so confused...im not sure if i can actually ever get over it or forgive him. ...idk what i want do to, i really, just, i dont even know...

 

[Lysis]

You've really got two choices: continue being a doormat or stop. He's treating you this way because you allow it. At this point it's you not him.